Man...it's like you took the words right out of my head! And I have a sneaking feeling I'm not the only one on here who can COMPLETELY relate to what you're saying.
I feel just like that A LOT. Particularly when I am so sick with my Crohn's that it limits me in what I can do and where I can go. I get very depressed about that because it makes me feel SO alone. Particularly because I don't have many friends. Not ones that can be "called on" in a time of real need.
I'm really bad about worrying about the future with this illness. Right now, my parents can care for me, take me to doctor's appointments, etc. when I cannot do that for myself. But one day they will be gone and I'm left with noone. No husband, no kids, no brothers or sisters. Extended family have their OWN issues to deal with. So depression really sets in. What will I do during those times my feet are so swollen I can't drive? What about recovery from surgeries or just someone to drive me home after a colonoscopy?!
I've been so sick this year. The worst yet I've had to deal with my Crohn's. It's been awful. Yet I know for a fact there are many Crohnies who'd take my symptoms in place of their own because they have it MUCH worse than me. I find myself crying uncontrollably over the pain when I'm in the bathroom. Then I find myself crying out to Jesus to stop the pain. Then I cry out to God to say I'm sorry for being so selfish when there are so many others in this world suffering greater pains than my own. How could I feel that way? What kind of person does that make me?
My dad has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. It was never talked about in our house until just within the past few years when I started to deal with it myself because of the Crohn's. Depression is a REAL ILLNESS. I get angry when people have the NERVE to say depression is all in someone's head. It's like someone saying they can understand what us Chronies go through because they have IBS. WHATEVER!!! The "blues" can be mentally worked out but true depression is an MEDICAL ILLNESS that CAN be managable.
I'm with you, though...I hate to take medication for depression, either. I haven't yet. I hate medication as it is. My depression is directly linked to my Crohn's. When I'm in a flare, I become very depressed, anxious and alone. When I'm not in a flare and feeling good, I don't seem to notice the depression as much. Everyone's different, though.
So having said ALL that, I just want you to know that I HEAR YOU. I UNDERSTAND and EMPATHIZE with you. Hang in there!
In His Grip
AlwaysRosie "We can't control the waves, but we can learn how to surf!!"
Co-Moderator - Lupus Forum
UCTD, Inflammatory Arthritis, Crohns, Diverticulosis, Sjogrens
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