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sammies
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 493
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Anyone else experience incredible guilt, a sense of deprivation, and a depression over food? Anyone else try to analyze and justify everything s/he eats?

In college I recognized this attitude as a symptom of an eating disorder. I'm probably trying to control the disease by controlling everything I eat---thus the guilt and deprivation.

Yesterday at a cute fast food joint, I was thanking my lucky stars I could eat a tuna sandwich and some fries. But as ice cream cone after sundae after shake, cheeseburger, and chili dog went by me, I just got lower and lower and lower. I feel so deprived. How STUPID, right? I'm lucky I can eat anything after the weeks of chix broth and popsicles. Weeks that I might see again at anytime. Am I obsessed?

Anyone else have no real body image? I have no true idea of what I look like. Last year at this time, the crohn's was calm and I was heavy--138 lbs for my small frame of 5'2". Now, having been through quite a flare, I'm 110 lbs and feel guilty about EVERYTHING that goes in my mouth. Will I gain weight? Should I not eat this? Will I get sick?

Intellectually I know it's part of the disease to worry about the effects of what I eat. But I'm tired of approaching a restaurant menu with the view "what will do the least amount of damage" instead of "What will I enjoy?" If I do actually feel well enough to eat something "fun or yummy" I feel terribly guilty about it. And, for someone who loved gin and tonic, I feel so, so, so guilty even with a glass of wine.

I love to cook and I love to try new foods. Hand over the octopus, the tripe, the shark fin--I'd try anything. Beginning to get out of this flare, I can finally look at a cooking tv show or a magazine. For months, I could not. It just depressed me.

Sorry about the loaded rant that is loaded with issues. and thanks. Just a little bummed even though I have so much to be thankful for.
23 years with moderate Crohn's/colitis; fistulizing crohn's; pentasa, just started humira


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 7/31/2008 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I think many of us have some kind anxiety about something because of this DD. I have anticipatory anxiety. I worry about if I go here or there I could get sick and then ruin the trip for my husband or be somewhere I would have a hard time getting proper care, etc. I have had the disease for almost 33 years and just developed this anxiety in the past year or two. I now take Xanax for the anxious times and I also see a therapist regularly now too who is really helping. Don't beat yourself up about it, but I would looking into seeing a therapist who can help you maybe put things in perspective. Good luck!
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 7/31/2008 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I have issues with my body image as well. I got so used to being thin naturally (aka from Crohns) that I found I identified so much with... how do I put this, my attractiveness. Like no matter how crappy I felt, at least I looked good. Then, my doc switched my birth control and in addition to the hair loss I had from crohns I was getting pimples and gaining weight. I don't know how much of the weight gain was from remission and new foods and how much was from the birth control. But I was super bloated too so i think some was just water weight, bc and crohns. Anyway, I gained at least 11 pounds in 2 months and got so depressed. I didn't care that I wasn't "fat" I just hated my clothes not fitting, not being confident in a bathing suit, etc. I finally caved and have started working out some. But I just kept feeling like people were judging me. That my husband must obviously prefer me skinny etc. Like, I feel better, I should be happy to eat this, but it may cause me to gain weight. Etc. The biggest issue is I just don't have the money to go out and buy new clothes. So I want to stay at my crohns weight and just not have the crohns symptoms.

Do you ever go on post secret? Basically a guy writes books based on anonomous secrets people send in on postcards. He has a website where he posts new secrets every Sunday. There is a group that archives them on facebook. Anyway, if I ever send in a card it will read something like

"I have a chronic illness and am finally healthy but my vanity wants my sick body back because I feel more attractive skinny."
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


patientspiders
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 733
   Posted 7/31/2008 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Sammies, I totally know where you're coming from. I hate approaching menus with that "what will hurt the least" mentality! It can really get me down sometimes, even though - as you said- we have so much to be thankful for. I worked next to an icecream shop for the last 6 months or so, and I can honestly say that it made me a little depressed every night when I would see all those people porking down icecream cones the size of their heads.

And I agree with Nanners. I know I should be going through some kind of counseling... I probably should have started when I first got diagnosed... but then... it seems like an inherent crohnie characteristic to internalize everything... to try and smooth it all out and make the best of it. And, if you read my previous post today... sometimes that tactic backfires and you explode and throw a wild tantrum. Or at least, that's what I seem to do. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with this stupid disease.

And Fitzy - I am a Post Secret junkie! I always figured my secret would be something like this:

"I'm 26 and constantly scared that I'm going to poop my pants." with an image of a really long line at a public restroom.
26f, dx'd CD July '05 after 6 fistula/abscess surgeries
No current chronnie meds, but I've tried just about all of 'em!
Digestive enzymes, and probiotics only.

And, I'm pregnant with my first baby! Due around Valentine's Day. :-)

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."

~Marianne Williamson


yogaprof
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 1665
   Posted 7/31/2008 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
wow, good stuff here. I can now admit that I became anorexic after my dx. I was so scared by reading posts about pred, that I stopped eating while on pred! I am actually eating much better now that I stopped gluten, but still watch everything that goes into my mouth. and, yes, there are times it is really a drag to watch folks eat whatever they want. I, as always, just try to focus on symptoms and what makes me feel better. yp
49 y/o woman.  Diagnosed 4/06 after colonscopy, SBFT, CT-scan all showed crohns. 3 months later, after pred and remicade, all tests showed no crohns. December '06 had adhesions cut through a laparoscopy. Now taking Glycolax, Ultra Fiber Plus, Florastor, and DHEA. Have become gluten-free diet per naturopath's tests.


Keeper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1058
   Posted 7/31/2008 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know if this will help, but 11-12% of the total population show gluten antibodies in blood tests and about 29% show antibodies in stool samples. Those people walking by with all that lovely food are eating themselves sick and they don't know it yet.

Osprey101
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 227
   Posted 7/31/2008 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I got this way about 4-5 months before I was diagnosed. I knew everything that I ate would be coming back out in about two hours, in a most painful fashion, so- why bother eating it in the first place? I no longer fear starvation. I've been there, and it's not that bad.

I started the gluten-free diet, after thinking I had celiac disease. Things improved markedly- about 80% of my symptoms were gone, but the remaining 20% were enough to get me to go to the doctor. Endoscopy and biopsy indicated I had Crohn's disease. I've been on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet ever since, and the difference is remarkable. No bleeding since February. No stomach pains. No diarrhea. My blood numbers are back to normal. I've been off my meds since January.

In terms of the food you eat, I cannot recommend enough Michael Pollan's books, particularly "In defense of food." I would strongly recommend Elaine Gottschall's "Breaking the vicious cycle." Get a copy from the library if you don't care to buy it, or just Google for the title and read the wisdom on the web. The diet requires great discipline, but if it works- and it doesn't work for everybody- it's worth it.

irish63
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 242
   Posted 7/31/2008 12:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I was really glad to find this post, as I have many of the same issues with food. No matter how good I feel, I am always analyzing everything I put into my mouth; at times fearful of food.
My family members seem to be "watching" me as if they need to police what I eat. I especially hate the looks and comments of "you really need to eat more to fell better", or "your energy level would be much better if you would just eat". No matter how much information I pass along, read to, or inform them about this disease, the comments still find their way to my ears; I like to call them "DIGS". Balme it on ignorance I guess.
I go back and forth with myself on if I should go or need counseling. I have even made appointments a couple of times and chickened out and cancelled. WHY??? I have no idea!!!! Maybe, just maybe I'll make an appointment...
Dx: 10/04 Crohn's, GERD, IBS,Osteporosis, Depression, Hypokelemia, "Crohn's" Arthritis, Migranes,
Meds: Asacol, Protonix, Lexapro, Celebrex,Potassium, Remecaide,Entocort, B12 injections wkly, Magnesium, Calcium, Phosphorus 
 


aoccc
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 455
   Posted 7/31/2008 12:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Crohn's showed me how addicted I was to the thought of not being able to have certain foods. Once you train that addiction and get it out of your head, its all good.
SCD since 01, remission since 01, occasional Arby's breaks :)


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 7/31/2008 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Patient - that could be my secret too (I'm also 26) except since EVERYONE knows it, it really isn't much of a secret.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 7/31/2008 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Irish63 you really should try therapy. It has helped me soooo much. I was stressing about so many unimportant things and getting sick becuz of it, the therapy is helping me with that alot. Good luck!
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


irish63
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 242
   Posted 7/31/2008 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Nanners, I plan on calling in the morning to make an appointment, NO really I am! I have thought about it all afternoon and talked with my hubby and he even offered to go with me. What do I have to lose, right?
Thanks to everyone for your undying acceptance, understanding and support. I have gained more insight and courage from this site than from anywhere. It truly helps to have people who live the same, terrible "day to day" life. I am just sorry we have to.
Dx: 10/04 Crohn's, GERD, IBS,Osteporosis, Depression, Hypokelemia, "Crohn's" Arthritis, Migranes,
Meds: Asacol, Protonix, Lexapro, Celebrex,Potassium, Remecaide,Entocort, B12 injections wkly, Magnesium, Calcium, Phosphorus 
 


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 7/31/2008 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   
See... This is why I don't watch much TV....


Commercials? All the bad food.... Dairy Queen commercials are especially torturous. And chocolate? Chocolate is everywhere. Teasing me... tempting me... and I have to keep thinking, 'No, remember what happened last time... remember... remember...'

Right now, I'm having some food anxiety myself... 5 mg of prednisone... going to be completely off really soon... I've lost my appetite... I don't feel like eating anything at all a lot of times...

Sometimes, food scares me.
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi I lived with IBS for 27 years before being DX with CD. In that time I blamed a lot of foods for my pain. I now know that alot of the foods were giving me problems .I got threw those years and yes it does pay to pay attention to food. We also need to learn how to eat. Since my resection that let my system pass BM's in a much more comfortable way I don't have pain.I did stick to low roughage diet becauseIt allows me to not have to be thinking and worrying all the time. I seen a dietician which helped me deal with the foods that are easy to digest. Mind you if something cain't get out it will cause pain no matter what I eat but I do believe it caused less pain. Don't feel that your alone on this we all been threw it. Coping is something that we learn along the way after dealing with it for awhile. Hope your councelling helps you. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,and still alive.lol gail


crohnspatient13
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 128
   Posted 7/31/2008 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
this post finds me at a funny time, because all i can think is food and i are NOT friends. i used to go to counseling once i went into my first remission because at that point i was so trained into food being my enemy because of how everything made me so sick and in pain i couldnt bring myself to eat. the doc repaired my relationship with food and i went out of control. i ate everything and didnt think about any consequences. being in another flare for a year now i am back to my old ways where i hate food but crave everything. and just as gail just said we need to learn how to eat and that's my problem. i have a guilt associated with "bad" foods but at the same time sometimes i feel all foods are bad foods. i have no idea what i really should eat or shouldnt. fresh fruits and veggies are "healthy" for non-crohns, but obviously not good for us, and then there's the whole gluten thing which i'm intrigued by but too scared to give it all up. here's my huge problem. i'm ready to make a change because for example, today i didn't eat anything, was in teh bathroom maybe 23-25 times so far today and about 15 times in excrutiating pain, decided to try and eat some plain noodles (bad for gluten i suppose), 15 minutes later i was in teh bathroom screaming in pain, ended up throwing it all up, and now here i am craving a brownie! that's my problem, kill me cause i sometimes just crave a brownie around that time of the month :X....
18 years old
diagnosed with Crohns since 2004
Hospitalized often for colon rest and TPN
Have been on 6MP, flagyl, cipro, prednisone, remicade (3 1/2 years).
Now trying Humira every two weeks.


crohnspatient13
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 128
   Posted 7/31/2008 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
and btw back to the first part of the topic, that's my biggest hope but biggest fear at the same time. i've always been VERY underweight and am jealous of people who are just "normal skinny" and look pretty and healthy. my whole life it's always been, oh you're so pretty but you're sooo (sometimes "toooo") skinny. sometimes i feel like it's just as bad as telling someone they are too fat. it hurts both ways. so i've always wanted to gain some healthy weight but when i was on prednisone only my face got fat from water retention and BOY did it get FAT! i was a freshman in high school at the time, and now emotionally scarred for life, i never want to go on it again! and i see that my new drug, humira, people say they gain unwanted weight. i know i need to put on SOME weight, but i feel like i've become so vain that i'll hate myself even more if i start to get fat.... i know what you are going through!
diagnosed with Crohns since 2004
Hospitalized often for colon rest and TPN
Have been on 6MP, flagyl, cipro, prednisone, remicade (3 1/2 years).
Now trying Humira every two weeks.


SydneyJo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1354
   Posted 7/31/2008 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
"Food is thine enemy" is how I have felt for years. Im a slim Crohnie and I absolutely love to eat, having said that I do try to watch what I eat now, but when I was a young adult I used this disease to purge my body of the fattening foods I consumed. People would say how lucky I was that I could eat all day (not good food either) and still stay slim, little did they realise that the food would exit its way out as quick as I ate it. Looking back I wish now I had been more aware of what I was doing to my bowel and body and maybe I wouldnt be in the messes I have been in as a mid age adult now. Jo

ShaddyBaby
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 127
   Posted 7/31/2008 7:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I know what you mean about food being the enemy. I go for a while without eating anything. Then I decide to eat something and I might as well "do it up good" because it is going to make me sick anyway. Then there are times when I try to eat something and I can't eat much at all. I always get comments like, "aren't you going to eat?" or "is that all you are having?" The crazy thing I find is that sometimes I can eat something and I'm fine. The next day I can eat the exact same thing and it makes me sick. It is so unpredictable, and that is the part that frustrates me.

I can't seem to find anything that I can eat that never makes me sick. I'll have a few good days and I get comfortable with food and then, wham, it hits me and I'm in the bathroom again. Then there are the times that I get sick when I haven't eaten anything at all! I have NO appetite so I don't ever eat because I'm hungry.

Lots of people make comments about how skinny I am. I don't consider myself underweight but I did have a bit of weight loss when I first started getting sick. I am 5 ft. 9 1/2 in. and now I weigh 135. Before I got sick w/CD I was 170, which was about 6 years ago or so. I don't see that I'm getting skinny but everyone comments on it. I guess it is because I see myself every day.

I'm so sick of this. There are times when I wish I could just quit eating at all and there are days that I don't eat anything.
"Shoot for the moon.  Even is you miss you will land among the stars."
- Les Brown


crohnspatient13
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 128
   Posted 7/31/2008 7:34 PM (GMT -7)   
i know im in the same exact boat! people say i should try and find what agrees with me, LITERALLY NOTHING agrees with me. if i drink water im still on the toilet in pain, seriously. so yeah i hate food. and about the comments, i hate them too. just the other day i was out to eat with my boyfriend's family. i ordered, ate a few bites, and spent the rest of the two hours in a out of the bathroom every 15 minutes (embarrassing!). i ended up getting mad at my boyfriend because each time i would come back i would say something subtle like "i think we should go soon" or "think we could get ready to go" and finally i was just like "WE'RE LEAVING!" and then i get in the car with him just to hear that his family was making comments saying things like, how is she going to the bathroom so much, she barely took a bite or her food! ahh annoying haha
diagnosed with Crohns since 2004
Hospitalized often for colon rest and TPN
Have been on 6MP, flagyl, cipro, prednisone, remicade (3 1/2 years).
Now trying Humira every two weeks.


milead
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/31/2008 7:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm newly diagnosed, but have had symptoms since last Jun. I hate eating! I don't go out unless I know where the WC is. Restaurant food, well, too scary just yet. I too, crave things and eat them, and pay for it a couple hours later. Does it get easier?

crohnspatient13
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 128
   Posted 7/31/2008 8:00 PM (GMT -7)   
it will get easier if you seek the right treatment, trust me try adn get it under control before it gets worse, remicade and prednisone worked for me to get me out of my first flare
diagnosed with Crohns since 2004
Hospitalized often for colon rest and TPN
Have been on 6MP, flagyl, cipro, prednisone, remicade (3 1/2 years).
Now trying Humira every two weeks.


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/1/2008 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
When I am healthier I try to look at the added weight as sort of a security blanket. I know the minute I get sick, I am going to lose it again.

As a longtime Crohnie, I have learned to keep different sized clothes in my closet. I have always been on the thin side even before diagnosis. When I get sick the first thing to go is almost always food. I suffer with more nausea and D symptoms usually, so naturally if your nauseous food is the last thing you want, and if you have D you will do anything including not eating to stop it.

But now that I keep myself on a low residue diet, I am able to maintain my weight. I am 5'5" and my weight fluctuates between 135 and 140. And I am comfortable at this weight. But I always get the "man you eat like a bird" or I wish I could stay skinny like you." It doesn't take much to fill me up so I think I stay slimmer because I don't have a large appetite. I am no way annorexic, it just that my resections have changed how I digest my food, so I get full quicker than I use to and it digests differently.

What is strange is I come from a obese family. I am the only thin one in the family, and the only one with Crohns too:(
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


monkeychic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 8/1/2008 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   

wow! These post actually made me cry! This is all so new to me. I am so messed up with food and body image its unreal! I feel like a freak! I have always been overweight then when i started to get sick I lost 80 plus ponds in 4 months. Diagnosed this april and weight still coming off! I have lost to date 106 pounds. My body image is wacked out....everyone telling me wow you look so great, you are so thin...blah blah blah well of course I like to hear that but then there is the food depression ....of course I loved food that is how I was so over weight.

   Now I have no appetite it never came back! I am afraid of food! I have to be reminded by my family to eat regularly. I have sad feelings when there is so much I can not eat. I try to stay thankful for just being alive but it is such a hard adjustment. Food is totally my enemy no doubt about it. I hope that with time I will mentally adjust my relationship with food to stave off malnutrition and exhaustion. Many many times I just wish I could just quit eating. I love being thin but I don't want to be so sick and in pain!


sammies
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 493
   Posted 8/1/2008 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Like Nanners, I have always had a number of sizes in my closet and now there are even more. I also agree with keeping a few pounds on for flares but it's not an easy ego thing. And body image--I can wear a 4 and feel like I a size 20. I have no idea.

Monkeychic--have you tried therapy or a nutrionist? Your email is a little worriesome and I recognize your thoughts in me. Years ago, I wouldn't eat even eat crackers. I was watching a video on the symptoms of anorexia and realized I was headed there. My mom was the one who recognized it several times along the way. I hope you can get some assistance b/c you shouldn't be in such agony.

For me too, it has been difficult to answer those folks who say "you look great"--especially when I had been overweight. To those I knew well, I explained the situation and to some others I joked about it being liposuction or my twin sister. I found once I started being able to answer folks, I had more "power" and more control over my feelings.

Ensure and powerade have been my saves time and again. It is so difficult to "Enjoy being supermodel weight" yet have horrible muscle cramps, charlie horses, and no strength.

Please, monkeychic, consider getting some assistance.
23 years with moderate Crohn's/colitis; fistulizing crohn's; pentasa, just started humira

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