Helping someone out....

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LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/23/2008 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey, my name is Jake and my Girlfriend has Chrones. Shes lived with it for a long time and everything. The thing I need help with is that shes going in thursday to get a port feeding tube put into her stomach and I'm trying to be here for her while not freaking out myself worrying about her. My problem is if i let her see how worried I am it will only make her worse? so how do I calm her down and show her my support while trying to calm myself?

I do care for her so much and i love her and support her and I am very proud that shes so strong to go through this but Its also hard for me to see her go through this i just need some help on how to calm myself, while calming her.

any advice is very appreciated, thanks,
Jake

belleenstein
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1010
   Posted 9/23/2008 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jake:

First of all, by your very presence you will reassure her. Trust me, on this. Try not to let this intervention take on more importance than it should. She is not the feeding tube, She is still the same girl that you love. The feeding tube is just a servant that will enable her to get the rest from eating that she so obviously needs right now. No different than a bulky woolen sweater. It might obscure her figure, but it keeps her warm.

it is difficult not to express fear when a loved one is sick. But here's the thing, try to keep your worry focussed on her comfort and her well being. Sometimes because we don't think about it, we can express our fears selfishly. No one who is sick needs to hear that their loved one can't live without them or variations on that theme. When someone is sick they need to keep all their energy focused on themselves. They really shouldn't be wasting precious energy trying to reassure their loved ones. She needs to know that you are going to be ok, regardless. That you are strong and that when she leans on you, if she needs to, that you will support her.

If you can possibly stay focussed on her and encourage her to express her fears and worries in an open and accepting manner, she will be more likely to give herself permission.

And about calming her, maybe she doesn't need calming, maybe she needs permission to lose it. To be fearful, to be angry, to be sad. If we are those things, papering over them with a false calm facade sometimes intensifies the dark emotions. It can be cathartic to acknowledge the dark emotions. It's almost as though, by acknowledging them, we steal their power to continue hurting us.

Just thoughts, Jake. In the end, you will be most supportive of your girlfriend if you remain rooted in the reality of the moment as it unfolds. Stay alert and conscious and ready to respond with authenticity to her cues. If you allow yourself to be guided by her reactions, it will all work out.

Sometimes when people are sick and fearful they can lash out at the nearest available target, usually the persons they love most in life. If this happens, can you stand aside from the impact of the hurt and recognize that in a wierd way she is paying you the compliment of trust?

I suspect things will go very smoothly and you will both be able to breathe a big sigh of relief and secretly laugh at all your worries, but regardless what is ahead in the next few days, you will get through it. And these tough times will create even stronger bonds between the two of you, if you allow yourself to grow through the experience.

With much compassion ...
Belleenstein:

30+ years living with Crohn's.


LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/23/2008 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much, thats a little reassuring.

Thanks for the ideas of not calming her but letting her let it loose. I think i might have to try that, and I'll have to keep strong myself for anytime that she needs to just let it go and be there for her. I think that this will also help us grow together but your probably right, maybe I'm making to much of a deal out of this and just let her let herself get out all her emtions. I'm deffinently not letting her know that I'm almost as worried as she is, I'm keeping that to myself, but maybe we'll laugh about it after it's all done.

Thanks so much for the advice, its greatly appreciated :-)

mj8dokken
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 149
   Posted 9/23/2008 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Also, don't try to down play the situation, because I know I get mad/frustrated when people try to make it seem like it's not a big deal. Then it's like they think your making something out of nothing.

From your message, I don't think you'll have a problem. It sounds like you already understand what it means to be there for her. :)


Bad flare May '06 resulted in CD diagnosis-symptoms for 10 yrs prior.
Asacol: 2400 mg/day
6mp: 100mg/day
Prednisone: 10 mg/day
Entocort: 9mg/day


LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/23/2008 1:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, ill keep that in mind =)

gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 9/23/2008 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Seems this is a good thing for her as her body needs the nourishment and bowel rest. To her it's probably a little scarry so just think of it as another thing to get threw . So glad she has someone to be with her and we draw our strength when called on to get threw things. Hope this brings her some good health down the road . Keep us updated on how things are going. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,and still alive.lol gail


LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/23/2008 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks everyone for your advice, I appreciate it all, ill let you know how the surgery goes after its over =)

LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 9/23/2008 6:42 PM (GMT -7)   
One thing I appreciate a lot about my fiance taking care of me(aside from simply taking care of me) is all of the small things in general. Days get so stressful that even the smallest thing like getting up to fill a glass of water will put me out because I am exhausted and just want to sit and rehydrate. I can't express how much it helps out for him to help with those things instead of doing that horrible thing where a person will say something like "i can get it for you if you want. are you sure? because i can get it." All the while simply sitting there.
Taking up the slack for things like that greatly reduces stress and it shows how much you care. I think so anyway.

Bellenstein basically hit the bullseye though. It's okay to worry, but don't let it turn into her having to comfort you.. Both of you should be able to express yourselves but never to the point where one has to go out of their way to ease the emotional strain. It's hard enough as it is coping with the consequences of this disease without having to help someone (who says THEY are there for YOU) cope. Just remember to let her lose it...one thing that's helped me is catharsis in the form of simply crying--and I have cried HARD.

Anyway, it sounds like she's extremely lucky to have you. You're really, really sweet for taking the time to do this kind of research. I know plenty of people will do the medical side of research but don't even think about how to deal with it psychologically and therapeutically. You're a great guy it sounds like :)
20 years old, Diagnosed with severe Crohn's and colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone, pentasa, alinia, bentyl, prilosec, tandem plus, and the occasional ultracet
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy(very possibly due to Crohn's inflammation) in July of 2008.
Due to start Imuran September 17 depending on blood results.


survivor49
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 9/23/2008 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
She is really lucky to have someone like you

LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/23/2008 6:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks a bunch everyone. Yea i've been researching about the medical aspect of Chron's since before we started dating but it was when I went to the hospital with her for the first time when she got her remicade that i realized that i really have to be there for her. And I'm continuing being there for her to the best of my ability.

br4d
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 9/24/2008 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
best thing to do IMO is just physically be there for her. let her know she's not in this alone.

it helps me to know i've got people on my side of this battle.
.:brad:. 23 year old male from PA.

diagnosed with crohn's disease in april 2002 during surgery for obstruction
meds: 10mg prednisone, tapering. starting remicade july 30th. no more 6MP.


LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/25/2008 2:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all the advice, I actually just spent the day yesterday with her and I told her that if she needed to cry she could just unload. I was seriously expecting her too all day and she didnt, then finally right before i had to leave she just started bawling. It was hard to see her like that but i just kept holding her telling her that im here and its going to be okay. I know, not much, but the best i could do.

So, today is her surgery, and I'm hoping she'll be okay, I'll let you guys know, who wanted to know, how it goes.

thanks for being so helpful and caring =)

lil-momma
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 132
   Posted 9/25/2008 5:04 AM (GMT -7)   
My heart goes out to both of you! It sounds like you will do fine and you are both fortunate to have one another. Just do what you normally do, it must be working =) You both will be in my thoughts & prayers! I hope everything goes well! Much love & laughter to both of you!
Dx w/UC in 2001 - controlled by diet.
Mother to 15 yr old daughter dx w/CD 9/07-  she had surgery for abcesses 11/07.  She is taking multi-vit, iron for anemia, bentyl prn, prilosec 20mg-x2, pentasa  500mg-x5, prednisone 10mg-x6, 6 mp 50mg-x3, Flagyl 250mg-x3


LoveThyBass
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 9/25/2008 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone. My girlfriend is out of surgery and shes doing okay. They gave her morphine but her body reacted to it and she became very very ill, and she vomited, but they took her off, and shes still on no pain killers but thier going to put her on something else that starts with a D i cant think of what its called but yea. But her surgery is okay. It took an hour longer than expected but shes okay. Her recovery may require more than a die, but im just happy that it was a success.

Thanks for all your support and caring so much =)

(btw, i thought some of you might think its interesting that shes the youth ambassedor for her local chapter of CCFA for 2008, her name is Rebecca, if youve heard of her)

but yea, thanks so much,
Jake

Post Edited By Moderator (Ides) : 9/25/2008 8:01:15 PM (GMT-6)


Ides
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 7077
   Posted 9/25/2008 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Jake,
I think the support you are showing your girlfriend is awesome! I checked the CCFA chapter you listed and they have not posted her name online. Things posted online can live forever and she might not want her story so widely distributed. Later in life if she is going for a job interview, the personnel worker might google her name and learn of her disease here. That could work against her. That's why I removed the chapter name and her last name. I hope you inderstand my rationale.
Ides
Moderator Crohn's Disease Forum
CD, Ankylosing Spondylitis, lupus, small fiber peripheral neuropathy, avascular necrosis, peripheral artery disease, degenerative disc disease, and a host of other medical problems.
 


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 9/26/2008 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jake So glad to hear that the surgery went alright and I hope her recovery is good. Wishing you both the best. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,and still alive.lol gail

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