OT: I am going to hell for being so mean to my grandmother

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Texan with Crohn's
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Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/19/2008 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
This is more so to get it off my chest, as here is my haven. Will try and be brief. Probably shouldn't post this to begin with.

I took my grandmother in when she almost burned down my parents house. She lived with me until she was required to go into a nursing home nearby. Now I do all of her errands and make sure she gets her Sunday paper. I love her, but darn it if she is not the most selfish and meanest person I know.

a) She cannot stand my mother. Didn't even go to her son's wedding 46 years ago. When my mother was on life support she said ugly stuff about her.
b) She was NEVER active in my life, birth, birthdays, never asked even once to keep me as a child. She doesn't even seem to care about my CD issues.
c) All she talks about and cares about is herself. And all she does is complain and make up aliments to get attention.

My father, her son, has an aortic aneurism that is .5 centimeter from the "burst point" at which time he can have surgery to repair it. This Sunday I was feeling so poorly that my daughter ran in her list of items and paper. Low and behold, I get a call from my father very upset because she went and made a big deal out of nothing (AGAIN) making up stuff like how I complain about paying for her stuff and how I tell her I want money and how I never come in but always send in my daughter.

Out of complete fear for my father's health, I just went up there to let her know how poor my father's health is right now and ended up completely unleashing an evil and never-ending wrath upon her. What started out as a, if you have a problem or need anything please please come to me not my father, turned into a complete extremely loud (she's about deaf) full blown argument about everything she's done wrong in life and how self-absorbed she is... so loud that two attendees came in the room to make sure everything was okay. To which I apologized to one and all.

I feel horrible. And I don't think she even got my point. I am surely going to hell for being so mean to my grandmother... mean old "female dog."

K. Done ranting. If you read this and want to tell me what a horrible person I am, fire away, I believe I deserve it. I am an adult and should have been more respectful of her, as I am with all my elders. :(

broomhilda
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1488
   Posted 11/19/2008 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Been there, done that, only it was my MOTHER...love ya' lots for what you're going through when I say this so don't take it the wrong way. She is in a nursing home for a reason. She hopefully has adequate care and yes, she doesn't give a rats &^% about your or your father's needs. Stop CHOOSING to be her victim! My mother was seriously mentally ill (no joke). My entire life I took her verbal & physical abuse. I finally figured out what was the "root" of my stress in my 30's and sought counseling. She died March 1, 2007. I have yet to shed a tear. That sounds horrid to some but I never knew the "real" person she could have been. My maternal lessons in life came from another source. I'm not angry anymore, I'm not self-inflicting guilt anymore and finally I can begin to address all the knots that I allowed her to put into my life. Put on your emotional sheild and view her as a human being who does not posess the knowledge or skills to nurture anyone and get on with your life.....YOUR health depends on it!
Dx'd Jan'06, 1st Resection 7/06, Humira, Imuran, B12 injections, Nexium, Lexapro, Nulev, Glucosamine, Multi-Vitamin, Calcium Citrate, Ultracet. Secondary conditions: Psorasis, Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, Lactose Intolerant, gallstones, kidney stones & peri-menopausal.


SydneyJo
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1354
   Posted 11/19/2008 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Leslie, lol, but dont you feel better having gotten all that off your chest by telling her?
If it's any consolation I would have ranted until I got her to see my point of view. Dont feel bad and dont think you are going to hell, God has already watched you be nice to this woman when you were'nt getting anything in return.
Sorry I thought this was funny, but at least once a year I blow up at my mother for some of the same reasons you mentioned and boy after the initial guilt I feel a whole lot better :)
Jo

justjenjen
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Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 518
   Posted 11/19/2008 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, it's a cliche but "hurt people, hurt people" I don't think anything you shoulda, coulda, woulda said will ever make a difference in her life. It sounds like you're a good person doing the best you can. Don't be so hard on yourself.

gemini kiwi
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1136
   Posted 11/19/2008 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey broomhilda, I think we must be long lost sisters, cause we certainly had the same mother.
Texan with Crohn's, she may be loosing her marbles, and if she's a fairly bitter woman they also tend to take their frustrations out on those family members who are nearest to them.
Take care you yourself and have short break from her if need be, sometimes it can be a really thankless job, especially if you get accused of all sorts like I did.
all the best.
Tess

Texan with Crohn's
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/19/2008 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, guys. Appreciate it. Yes, she did deserve it to some degree. I will take a beating directed towards myself, but if anyone beats (mentally or physically) on my family, I will smite. I sat and chilled in front of the TV for a while after dumping my guilt out here and now feel much better.

Guess it is a bit funny. Should have seen the daggers shooting outta her eyes.

-Leslie

78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 11/19/2008 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Texan with Crohn's said...
Guess it is a bit funny. Should have seen the daggers shooting outta her eyes.
-Leslie
Maybe she DID listen after all.  smilewinkgrin
Heidi
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
Crohn's and UC are pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.
2001 Dx'd with UC.  No remission.  5/2008 surgery, removal of 6" of left side colon.  Dx changed to Crohn's.  Remission for 8-9wks after surgery, symptoms returning after resuming 6MP.


Margie11
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 467
   Posted 11/19/2008 10:38 PM (GMT -7)   

(((((Texan))))),

tongue  I'm kinda glad she got a little something out of it. She probably has more guilt than you, but feels/appreciates it a good deal less. At the very least, she got a chance to even out a small fraction of the karma like "stuff" she has accumulated over the years. If she comprehended anything, at least she was able to put up a argument. It beats the heck out of sniping at her on life support. Sorry, now I'm ranting, but my family has experienced our fair share of mental health issues, and it is the most frustrating feeling in the world. I wish I could say I never blew a cork, but I always did my best, and I just can't hold onto the guilt. My perfection, would/could not have changed anything, or made my family members any more healthy. We will be in hell together, if we can land there for doing our best, or having a since of humor about all this, cuz... I find this funny too. As for myself, I believe this was created as a coping mechanism. With this DD, we CAN'T be beating ourselves up .

Why is when one edits oneself, one always misses something that just glares after one posts! wink


              Never go faster than your guardian angel can fly!                  
     Be Patient And Tough, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You 
 
 Crohn's for life, symptoms included terrible joint and soft tissue pain, just met first cousin who suffers from Reactive Arthritis-explains sooo much. Great control on SCD (when I'm good) and I get by with a lotta help from my friends!
                                                Margie11

Post Edited (Margie11) : 11/19/2008 10:44:45 PM (GMT-7)


donnaeil
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 1156
   Posted 11/19/2008 11:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Ya know, I had Broomhilda's mother also. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her and she was down right cruel and mean. I walked away from her one day, permanently. I too did not cry when she die.

What a waste of a mother child relationship and why would a grand parent choose to be mean?

Take care of yourself sweetie. You may need to leave her to the nursing home staff a bit more. Do not let her ruin your life.

Donnaeil

pb4
Elite Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20576
   Posted 11/19/2008 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Texan,

Far as I'm concerned she had it comming and deserved it and you're not going to hell (and I'm not just saying that from an athiests point of veiw either) and thirdly, just because she's old doesn't mean you or everyone eles in the world has to kiss her *** and finally, she's old enough to know better than to behave the way she has/does, be it towards you, your mom (of which I'm so sorry you lost) her son or anyone eles for that matter.

So do not feel guilty, what goes around comes around and it must have felt good to let her have it, sounds like it was long over due.

:)
My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it! LOL :)


Texan with Crohn's
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/20/2008 4:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Let me make one clarification - for which I am very blessed. My mother, by some miracle, lived. She was on life support for almost three months and was in a "rehabilitation" places (referred to as a cabbage patch by the ICU nurses). She was not making it and none of the doctors expected her to make it. Almost three months in I took my daughter up to see her, thinking she would be saying her goodbyes... when low and behold this brought my mother back and gave her the strength and will to not only live but she was on her feet and transferred back to a hospital within TWO weeks.

I count my blessings for each and every day that I have with her now. :) She holds no grudge against this mean old woman and goes out of her way to lavish love and attention on the old bat. Though I said nothing when I heard heartbreaking harsh words against her while she was on life support. Yesterday, I ripped GG (my daughter's name for my grandmother) a good one for this. I tell you all, I really laid into her good.

I have since called my mother to warn her so that GG does not upset my father during his next visit. Mother will be accompanying him to see to it and will report back to me if GG says one word.

NOTE: My mother is a remarkable woman which everyone who has ever met her loves her and never forgets her. She has never met a stranger nor left a person hungry. My goal in life is to be half the woman she is. She is nothing but positive and never has said ONE word of complaint with one lung and other serious ailments from her near death experience.

Didn't mean to write a book... just a few sentences. I don't look forward to facing GG, but I must. I am all she has. We all joke that she's going to outlive us all... and at, what... 95, 96, she may well.
Single mother of a wonderful daughter, care-giver to disabled sister and aging grandmother. Diagnosed with CD during second hospital stint in Jan of '07(??)
Tried: Asacol, Pentasa, Immurane, Entcort
Currently Taking: Prenisone (intermittently), Phenegren, Hydrocodone, Benetyl, Anti-panic medication, B12, acidolophilus, omga3 and multi-vitimin


Sniper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 11/20/2008 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
You know Tex, we cant change other peoples ways. Your doing your best and you shouldn't get down on yourself. Shes lucky to have you.
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


lamb61
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 1718
   Posted 11/20/2008 9:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Maybe someone should have given her that lecture years ago. You need to take care of yourself first others later, or you won't be any good to them. Don't be so down on yourself!
 


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 11/20/2008 10:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi I feel if you are so upset with your Grandmother and at her age you should delicate her care to others. Sorry but I cain't condon that. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,hemmies,and still alive.lol gail


Joie1
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 11/22/2008 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Tex, I know those women. My husband's grandmother HATES my mother in law who I swear must be the absolute kindest person I've ever known. And yet, the grandmother suffers from dementia, has some funny leg issues when her son is around or my husband is around but seems fine when its me or my MIL (mom in law). Can't vent at the women though, since I just am not allowed. Still, my own mother is very about herself. She has heart infection and COPD. When I was sick in the hospital five years ago, she'd only visit at night when my dad brought her, when she didn't have a fight with him beforehand. She came to visit maybe four times? in nine weeks at one hospital.

My dad gave me some GREAT advice at the time concerning my mom. EVERYTHING is about her. Instead of Her DAUGHTER is sick. It was HER daughter is sick.
27/f/CD. 4 CD related surgeries: 2 resections, 2 JP drains, 3 NG tubes, many absesses (including the one my most recent surgery scraped off my ovary) and fistulas.
Currently trying to figure out hip and knee joint pain.
Have lost in these surgeries: appendix, 8 in. intestine, R fallopian tube, gallbladder, 10 in. intestine
Dx'd: February 2007.
Pentasa (and much mental screaming)


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 11/22/2008 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not a strong believer in karma, but I do believe there is something to how you treat others and it coming back to you. I'm talking about your grandmother specifically of course and not you. You had every right to be angry when the fuss she was creating is a HAZARD to your father's health. Feel bad if you want to, but giving someone, even your grandmother, a piece of your mind isn't wrong when you have a legitimate reason.
I'll be speaking to my own grandmother soon about her accusing my little sister of stealing our aunt's drugs when I know very well she did not.

Family can be so wonderful sometimes :)
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone(down to 10 mg), pentasa, bentyl as needed, prilosec, tandem plus, humira, and good probiotics
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
http://weblog.xanga.com/harlequin_garret


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 11/22/2008 1:13 PM (GMT -7)   
You are not going hell. 
I do think there is age related brain death and one of the first things to go is emotional awareness.
In fact I think it is logical that some people just never develop it.
A word of advice, don't continue the cycle of abuse with yourself.
 



Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease
...I will find a way, or make one. -Philip Sidney 1554-1586
Make sure your suffering has meaning...
All suggestions/options/opinions are caveated with please consult with your local health care provider...

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 11/22/2008 1:19:53 PM (GMT-7)


Texan with Crohn's
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/23/2008 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey, all. Thanks for the input.
<too busy doing freakin' errands to log in for a while... this board stays pretty busy so it took me a while to read through the new and make it back to this post>


Humm... let's see. Not even sure if I posted that I went back up the next day and visited with her again - this time no yelling. Since then she has not said a word to my father, so I guess she got it... for a short while anyhow. Gotta go do her errands today and take her her stuff today. She doesn't like her new bedspread since being moved, so I'll run over to Tuesday Mornings and find her a nice inexpensive on today as well. She may be a mean old fart, but she's family, and where one go, we all go... so like it or not, I can suck it up and take care of her without further complaint.

Now, if only I could get my mentally/physically disabled and unstable sister to pull her finger out of her throat and quit making herself sick, I would be okay. Geez louise, every week she thinks she's got something. Since my last flare started she now believes she has crohn's (she doesn't - just mentally ill). Need to get out there and look at her. I think she's turning herself into a belemic (sp?) after talking to her on the phone for 30 minutes yesterday.

Her: I'm sick to my stomach. I can't hold food down.
Me: Are you putting your finger down your throat?
Her: No.
ME: Have you put your finger down your throat within the past 24 hours?
Her: Yes.
Me: STOP doing that! You are making yourself sick and fixating on it and making it worse.
Her: I don't wanna be sick.
Me. Then stop putting your finger down your throat.
Her: I'm not.
Me: You just told me you were.
**Get the picture what it's like talking to a mentally ill person?? This went on for half an hour. Think it's almost time for another visit to the stabilization hospital for yet another medication adjustment {{sigh}}**

This is the combination of stuff that led me to my vent post. Thanks all for listening. Like I said, I do NOT say a word of complaint other than here... 1) Nobody wants to hear it 2) This is my family, gotta help 'em through the bad.

You all are WONDERFUL! Thanks for allowing me to vent. Think I will step away for a couple of hours and treat my daughter to a movie and then go deal with my dysfunctional fam. :)

small town
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 11/23/2008 3:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Texas .... I'm also a Texas with Crohn's ... and I think my mother is kin to your grandmother.  The only nursing home in our small west Texas town closed and I had to move my mother to one 33 miles away.  Two sisters in the picture but one in North Carolina and the other in Fort Worth, so here I am... the one and only.  I carry guilt very well and have the shoulder pain to show for it. I finally told Mom that I was sick and still trying to work every day, but I would drive to see her every other Saturday ... take her out for a nice lunch ... and bring her the things she needed.  So far it has worked out great.  She even knows now how to use her speed dial on her phone, mine is the only one on it, to let me know when she needs her instant coffee, extra sugar, and what little make-up she needs.  She told me yesterday how much she had enjoyed our visit.  That has never happened before.  So hang in there, Miracles Do Happen.

Texan with Crohn's
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/24/2008 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey there, fellow Texan. :) whereabouts are you? I am in Carrollton. My next move will be up to the country, Sadler, Texas, where I spent all my youth summers.

Oh, welcome to healing well. :)

survivor49
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 11/24/2008 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
you know what the saddest thing is? you are feeling guilty and missing sleep over this and it probably hasn't phazed her. it needed to be said, she won't change, and you have gone above and beyond the call of duty. give yourself a break. the old bat is doing just fine and you are a good person (at least it sounds like it!)
happy thanksgiving

broomhilda
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1488
   Posted 11/24/2008 10:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Anyone ever wonder what it is like in 'Their" reality? Must be heaven on earth. Not that I'd want to be in their shoes!
Dx'd Jan'06, 1st Resection 7/06, Humira, Imuran, B12 injections, Nexium, Lexapro, Nulev, Glucosamine, Multi-Vitamin, Calcium Citrate, Ultracet. Secondary conditions: Psorasis, Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, Lactose Intolerant, gallstones, kidney stones & peri-menopausal.


Texan with Crohn's
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 11/25/2008 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Broomhilda -

I have, indeed... more times than I care to admit.

Thanks again, all. I am good. Just a weak moment, hence the rant here. Ya can't stay angry with the elderly who are not fully there... at least I cannot. There are more important things in life to occupy my thoughts... like getting my home's main pipe snaked!! Plumbing issues and CD = nightmare.


-Les

Margie11
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 467
   Posted 11/25/2008 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Les,

Being from/in Oklahoma, my prayers are with you on the plumbing thing. Thank God it is not July, that will be my Thanksgiving Prayer for you. Plumbing issues, CD and July in Tx or Ok=Virtual Hell :o)

I agree with Gail to a point, but feel a one time blowing off steam was in order. Having been care giver for many family members, if I thought I was building resentment, I would hand over the reins. I'd bet my flushable wipies that this will never happen again.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I pray the snaking goes well and does not get costly.
              Never go faster than your guardian angel can fly!                  
     Be Patient And Tough, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You 
 
 Crohn's for life, symptoms included terrible joint and soft tissue pain, just met first cousin who suffers from Reactive Arthritis-explains sooo much. Great control on SCD (when I'm good) and I get by with a lotta help from my friends!
                                                Margie11


Margie11
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 467
   Posted 11/27/2008 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Broom,       
  Having been so brain impaired ( crazy and slow thinking ) before my DX with Crohn's, I want no part of their reality. I used to wish I was a little less intelligent, so I could see the world through rose colored glasses, and I get where you're coming from. I had to exercise my right to change  my mind after having a brief glimpse of that reality. smilewinkgrin
              Never go faster than your guardian angel can fly!                  
     Be Patient And Tough, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You 
 
 Crohn's for life, symptoms included terrible joint and soft tissue pain, just met first cousin who suffers from Reactive Arthritis-explains sooo much. Great control on SCD (when I'm good) and I get by with a lotta help from my friends!
                                                Margie11

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