Husband thinks Crohn's is in my head

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ladybug0709
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 1/10/2009 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I am still new to this site but its been a big help to me already. My husband thinks I caused my recent flare with my "emotions." He thinks I work myself up and then I get a flare. Does anyone else go thru this? He thinks I have control over the disease. He even said that when we were dating I managed to get sick everytime we had something to do. I get so annoyed and have to vent. Does anyone have any good comebacks? I tried telling him there was not research to support his asssumptions. Thanks.
Crohns almost 17 years. No surgeries. Currently taking Imuran and Entocort. Also take multivitamin/mineral supplement, omega -3 oil, calcium and vitamin D. Eat lots of yogurt. Limit wheat and gluten as much as I can.


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 1/10/2009 7:53 PM (GMT -7)   
While stress and getting worked up do contribute to a flare, this does not mean that you have control over when it happens. Sometimes even when we are calm and extremely careful with diet this disease flares up anyway. There are too many factors in a flare up.
In the end, NO, we do not have control over this disease. We manage as best we can, but this does not guarantee any sort of immunity or most people would have found a way to prevent the horrible symptoms. Does he really think you would prefer spending weeks defecating your own blood and starving to death over going out to dinner with him? If so, then perhaps he is the one that needs to reconsider his though process and who is working themselves up or exaggerating things.
You could also show him the posts on this website so he can see what we have to deal with everyday. Maybe he'd like to be in your shoes for a day and worry that if he doesn't get to the bathroom in time the only thing he'll be looking forward to is cleaning up the mess he made from the INVOLUNTARY incontinence. Just a thought.
There are too many negative aspects to this disease to be able to justify having it in our head to accomplish...what exactly? Personally, I'd like to be able to go to work and school without having to worry about losing blood, fluids, or control of bowel movements.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 20 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 1/10/2009 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
And I would like add, how many people who don't have Crohn's disease actually have COMPLETE control over their stress levels and emotions? Anyone who claims to is in denial and/or a hypocrite.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 20 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


chocolate_stains
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/10/2009 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
two ways to let him know:

1) don't flush

2) poo your pants while out in public

chocolate_stains
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 1/10/2009 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   
sorry, you mean he thinks you cause your disease, not that you aren't sick. disregard the above. although those suggestions are good for proving to people that you are actually sick.

patientspiders
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 733
   Posted 1/10/2009 8:49 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand both sides to this argument, but LMills put it quite nicely.

My husband says similar things... that I get nervous when it's time to leave the house, and getting nervous makes things worse. In that sense, he's correct. But really... come on. Like LMills said, how many people do you know that are Jedi-freaking-knights that can talk themselves out of being nervous or scared? Does your hubby know what it's like to fear pooping in his pants every time he leaves the house? I think not.

As I said, I understand what your hubby is saying to a point, but ultimately he should be supportive and work with you to get through the rough spots. Not point a finger and say YOU HAVE CONTROL.
27f, dx'd CD July '05 after 6 fistula/abscess surgeries
(miscarried at 13 weeks, now waiting to heal before trying again)
Stopped Humira August 22nd, 2008.
Went Gluten-Free, noticing some definite improvement.
Started LDN October 27th, and already LOVING IT.

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 1/10/2009 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I struggle with that a lot myself - not my husband but my own head arguing with me. Why do I feel fine in the house but as soon as I get out I feel sick? Is part of that "in my head?" I think it is a viscious cycle. I have crohns which caused my anxiety and now when I feel anxious my crohns acts up.
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


pb4
Elite Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20576
   Posted 1/10/2009 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
It isn't easy for our loved ones, I'm sure they get frustrated with our disease as we do and I'm sure they feel hopeless at times with our disease as we do as well...he was probably just venting too...it's hard for people to get their head around the fact that we don't have total control over our bowels like healthy people do, even I struggled with that when I got sick, often I still do because for me it's one of the most frustrating aspects of having this disease...can't tell you how many times my hubby and other family members have had to stand around tons of times waiting for me to repeatedly keep doing my "business" just in one public outing, it can't be fun for them either. I learned a long time ago that this disease touches all aspects of our lives and that includes the people who are in our lives, co-workers, family, friends, hairdressers, dentists, kids teachers during P/T interviews ect.

:)
My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it! LOL :)


78SilvAnniv
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 1/10/2009 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Slip him a strong laxative every morning for a week. Just to let him know how it feels to live in fear of your uncontrollable bum. *evil grin*
Heidi
I have the ability of single-minded determination and accurate project focu....Hey, look, a cat!
 
Crohn's and UC are pretty darn crappy, but if you can't laugh at yourself, you'll cry. 
I'd much rather laugh.
2001 Dx'd with UC.  No remission.  5/2008 surgery, removal of 6" of left side colon.  Dx changed to Crohn's.  Remission for 8-9wks after surgery, symptoms returning after resuming 6MP.


Margie11
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 467
   Posted 1/11/2009 2:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Tell him that if Crohn's were all in your head your brains would leak out and you would be like him  wink   Just kidding- keep in mind that it makes me flare to smell crude oil or vasoline, so what would I know about controling or preventing flares.


              Never go faster than your guardian angel can fly!                  
     Be Patient And Tough, Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You 
 
 Crohn's for life, symptoms included terrible joint and soft tissue pain, just met first cousin who suffers from Reactive Arthritis-explains sooo much. Great control on SCD (when I'm good) and I get by with a lotta help from my friends!
                                                Margie11

Post Edited (Margie11) : 1/13/2009 5:45:51 PM (GMT-7)


ladybug0709
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 1/11/2009 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone. It's normal for me to flare around Christmas. Mostly I blame it on the holiday food. I did have some stress at work too (which my husband is blaming it on). But there have been plenty of times thru the years I have been perfectly happy and bamm! I have a flare.
Crohns almost 17 years. No surgeries. Currently taking Imuran and Entocort. Also take multivitamin/mineral supplement, omega -3 oil, calcium and vitamin D. Eat lots of yogurt. Limit wheat and gluten as much as I can.


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 1/11/2009 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
On a differeent note you could tell him it is in your head the mind does cause many responses to the bodies actions.Muscle reflexes ,,N,..perhaps just tell him sure it's in the head to,might be another thing for him to figure out and hoping his head can handle it after all it's his idea...lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,hemmies,and still alive.lol gail


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 1/11/2009 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
And then there is the fact that not nearly enough people pay credence to the fact that the mind affects the body much, much more than we realize. He might try reading up on the mind-body link. There isn't enough recognition of the interaction of the two. And if there is any at all it is incorrect in the assumption that the content of the mind precedes the action of the body in these cases.
Like patientspiders said: we're not "jedi-freaking-knights" :)
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 20 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 1/11/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I am going to go with Fitzy here. I have had Crohns for 33 years and developed anxiety related to the Crohns in the past two years. Took me awhile to realize that my anxiety was causing me to have multiple little flare like episodes that would usually knock me down for about 3-5 days. I am now able to recognize that anxiety and stop it in its tracks with the help of Xanax. I take the lowest dose available .25mg when I feel it starting to ramp up, and am able to stop within about an hour or two. Now I am not saying your husband is right, but anxiety with this disease is very common. I think many people think these times are flares, when its really just our fear of what if I go out with my husband and/or friends and I get sick, or what if I get sick and ruin a good time for my loved ones, what if, what if, what if.... Thats what I am talking about with this disease, it has so many unknowns. Its called anticipatory anxiety. My husband and I planned a trip last Feb to go down to Guadalajara to visit his eldest sister. As soon as I pushed the button to buy the tickets, I got violently ill. It took therapy and the help of the ocasional Xanax to help me learn to control and stop it. Once again I am not saying what your husband did was right, but I do agree that our anxiety and worries can cause us to have bowel problems. By the way my anxiety causes me instant D, nausea etc.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 1/11/2009 9:13 AM (GMT -7)   
And don't forget those people who don't have any autoimmune disorders but develop things like severe ulceration due to high stress levels anyway. Now, throw our disease into the mix and well, you get the picture.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 20 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


RightOutStraight02
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/11/2009 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello there, I have just skimmed over everyone else's responses so if I repeat a point already made please bare with me. I too suffer anxiety issues, as do a lot of us here, it's to be expected. And while I agree that your husband does have a point in that yes, elevated emotions and stress can and do bring about flare ups here and there, I think that perhaps the problem here is the way he went about presenting his point. Sounds to me like he brought it about in an accusatory way, making you feel as though he thinks you are doing this all on purpose, or that you could stop it if you REALLY wanted to, and that, I think, is very unfair. It is ridiculous to assume that any of us, or anybody at all for that matter, choose to have the anxious feelings, or choose to make ourselves sick. I'm sure he probably does not realize that he came off in this way, and as others have said here, it is quite probable that he is just experiencing frustrations because he does not truly understand what is going on. I know my boyfriend, who is almost always very understanding, sometimes gets frustrated because he says he feels "helpless", and that could play a big part of it as well. I'm not too sure what to suggest to remedy the problem, as everyone is different, but if it were me I would have a sit down discussion with him one on one and get some more answers as to why he is pointing fingers at you, and see where that goes.

Hope things get figured out, and don't feel bad about any of what's going on with you, I did that for a long time, and still do sometimes.
20 years old.
Dx'd with Crohn's at the age of 13.
Dx'd with Fibromyalgia at 15.
Currently taking 6mp and Flagyl.
10 inches of my small intestine removed October 2008.
When will remission come?!?!
 
Best regards to everyone here, bless you all.


ladybug0709
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 1/11/2009 6:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks to everyone again. It has been a rough week. Had a flare before Christmas and went on the Entocort. I felt better at first but slid backwards this week. This has never happened before, I have always felt better after starting steroids. To make it worse the fatigue set in this weekend. I am so happy I found this site. For the first time in 17 years I realized I am not alone. Thanks.
Crohns almost 17 years. No surgeries. Currently taking Imuran and Entocort. Also take multivitamin/mineral supplement, omega -3 oil, calcium and vitamin D. Eat lots of yogurt. Limit wheat and gluten as much as I can.


hspenser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 544
   Posted 1/12/2009 6:31 AM (GMT -7)   

I keep reading posts like this and really find it amazing.  Amazing that people really think we have mental control over the disease....and amazing that so many do not discuss or recognize the greater issue(s) that this represents.

If you are one of those people that faces this kind of issue on a regular basis then maybe it is time to take a different tact with how you approach it.  Has anyone asked themselves about how does this very close friend or family member think this...and what does it say about how they percieve me as a person if they think think this?  Is it because they don't understand the disease and in most cases of crohns they see no outward physical damage like they would if it were a lost limb, tumors, heart disease (lack of color and shortness of breath)....

Or is that they understand the disease but don't know how to deal with it...and maybe that is because dealing with it invloves dealing with a very personalaspect of your life...the big taboo of poo that no one likes to talk about.

Thirdly...is it possible that you have used the disease to your advantage?  Hidden behind it to avoid unpleasant things or to get attention?  Or do you make every conversation and every event come back around to you and your illness or illnesses?  Do you end each conversation with "YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW THIS DISEASE MAKES ME FEEL".....or "HURT"......or "MANY OTHER THINGS".

IMO the only way to really deal positively when this type of reaction occurs is to find out the root of problem and then deal with that.  It is a type of relationship dysfunction that probably has a cause that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your disease.  There could be guilt because there is so little that can be done by the people who love you.  There can be guilt at being so overcome by a disease that this person never thought would last so long or be so consuming.  Does a parent worry that they gave you the disease....does a sibling feel guilty that you got it and they didn't....does your child worry that they will inherit it???

I see complaints about family who don't believe you are sick, or don't believe you are unable to do more...my first question in all of this is to find out why someone doesn't believe me....and if it is a case where they think I bring it on myself then I want to find out why they think I would do such a thing....

Just thinking that this is a case of the other person being selfish or self centered is not going to change hearts or minds nor will it find a solution to the problem.....If someone I really love and respect can not find compassion and understanding for something as serious as this disease and how I have to deal with it then the problem is bigger than them just being a jerk (and if they are someone you really love and respect then it is very unlikely that it is something as simple as them being a jerk).....and if it matters to us then we owe it to uorselves to go find the answer.  Along the way we may solve more than one problem.

 


dx IBS 1999   UC 2000   CD 2001
Tested BIOGEN TYSABRI (gave me 2 years of remission)
tried Naltrexone Jan. 19, 2007 Stopped the Naltrexone July 28th...started Humira Aug 31st, 2007...current dose one shot every week. Also nightly dose of mesalamine.
Surgery Nov 4th, 2008 removed 30 inches of small bowel.
 Crohns is currently active and has been since April of 2005
52 yrs old


ladybug0709
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 1/12/2009 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
hspenser,

You have a lot of great points in your post. I do however find it hard to believe that anyone uses this disease to their "advantage" or to get attention. There is certaintly no "advantage" to this disease. I love going out with friends, vacations, restaurants, to the gym, work, shopping, etc. I would even choose a root canal than stay home with Crohn's problems. I am also a very vain person (lol) so I would much prefer attention concerning my smarts or how pretty I am rather than attention for having to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes. So, again......attention seeking behaviour and crohns's.......not really sure if it goes together. I also truely feel if people become a little "poor me" after so many years living with CD - so be it. Chronic disease that can't be cured can get you down. I also work in health care - so everyday I see people with terminal illness. So, everyday I am able to keep CD is prespective. I get to live and walk on two legs and have two working arms and breath without a machine.

Again, you have alot of great thoughts in your post. I will explore the problem more next time it presents itself.

Thanks.
Crohns almost 17 years. No surgeries. Currently taking Imuran and Entocort. Also take multivitamin/mineral supplement, omega -3 oil, calcium and vitamin D. Eat lots of yogurt. Limit wheat and gluten as much as I can.


hspenser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 544
   Posted 1/12/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Ladybug,

Thanks for the kind words....certainly most of us hate the extra attention this disease can bring because it means we must be really sick if someone is helping us....

but there are many of those who wallow in the extra attention illness can bring....heck there are even folks who make their children sick just to get attention (I think they call it munchousen disease..or something like that)

Good thing there are more of your type than their type.


dx IBS 1999   UC 2000   CD 2001
Tested BIOGEN TYSABRI (gave me 2 years of remission)
tried Naltrexone Jan. 19, 2007 Stopped the Naltrexone July 28th...started Humira Aug 31st, 2007...current dose one shot every week. Also nightly dose of mesalamine.
Surgery Nov 4th, 2008 removed 30 inches of small bowel.
 Crohns is currently active and has been since April of 2005
52 yrs old


pb4
Elite Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20576
   Posted 1/12/2009 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Actually, I think many use it to their advantage, I've read plenty of posts at various boards that if they don't feel like going to a function for example, they just use their IBD as the reason...and I'm sure there are some that use their disease for sympathy/attention seeking as well.

:)
My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it! LOL :)


MishBall2
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 1/13/2009 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree PB,  you can tell those people that tell their ailments to anyone and everyone even though no one asked.     I was at a party once and a woman was going on and on to my grandmother about her Crohn's.  My grandmother didnt care. . . I finally had to go save her by asking the woman about her ailments so she'd talk to me instead.  LOL
 
Back to original topic.   My husband was like that in the beginning (with first big flare).  It turns out he was lashing out because he was so helpless.   Our husbands like to think they can fix anything for us, and this is something he has no control over.   Unfortunately I think each wife, after realizing this, has to come up with the most effective way to handle it with her particular husband.   I recently had a flare and he was getting on me about being 'mopey'. . . I just said, "its not fair that you're upset with me because I feel sick".  He made one quick snap back, but after that I could see the change in his demeanor.   But, again, every husband is different and should be dealt with according to their personality.
 
I DO have to say that Margie's response was my favorite. tongue
33 years old. Diagnosed in 2002ish. 
Taking Asacol, Lomotil TID, and on Remicade since 2004. 
Lower Bowel area only, except for the short stint (about 2 weeks) that I had mouth sores.  Also have external/anal fistula and anal/vaginal fistula. 
 


hspenser
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 544
   Posted 1/13/2009 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   

issues occur regardless of the sex of the person...it happens with wives as often as it happens with husbands...I tend to feel that on this site we hear more of the female perspective because ...and this is only an opinion...there seems to be more women than men on here.  

I am blessed with a very understanding family, supportive friends and a wife that shows greater strenghth everyday.

Fact is that one of my greatest issues with my crohns is how it affects my wife....especially after the recent episodes of blockage and the resulting surgery....that really upset her.  She is not the type to dote on me or coddle me but she does worry and she does internalize that stress.....I/we (meaning you and me) know exactly how we feel....we know the depth of our pain...we know what we can do that day, what we have left in us.  We know if we can amke that dinner or do that extra chore.  We know if work that day really drained us or not.  BUT!!! Our spouse usually don't...they may have an idea but they don't really know...and since they don't really know they usually imagine the worst and it hurts them...it tears them up.  And that my fellow sufferers IMO is one of the main causes of our spousal issues...that stress has to manifest in some way and anger/misunderstanding is probably most common.


dx IBS 1999   UC 2000   CD 2001
Tested BIOGEN TYSABRI (gave me 2 years of remission)
tried Naltrexone Jan. 19, 2007 Stopped the Naltrexone July 28th...started Humira Aug 31st, 2007...current dose one shot every week. Also nightly dose of mesalamine.
Surgery Nov 4th, 2008 removed 30 inches of small bowel.
 Crohns is currently active and has been since April of 2005
52 yrs old


justjenjen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 518
   Posted 1/13/2009 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry if I'm repeating what someone else said already but the next time your husband gets the stomach flu perhaps you could suggest to him it's all in his head!!!

I'm sorry to hear the one who should support you the most is being like this.

randynoguts
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 6050
   Posted 1/15/2009 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
always had gotten sicker in the fall/holiday time, and in the spring.. /summer time, winter was fine, and mid to late summer was good....

Lbug, i never really had the problem with anyone doubting or questioning me, mainly because my needed surgeries have been numerous and often, with the drs explaing things to the family and friends in the hospitals that they got the idea fairly quickly... unfortunately since you havent had any surgeries , it may seem like its "not real" to him and others.. unfortunate, but all too true for lots of us.
randynoguts 



     http://www.geocities.com/randynogutsweb/

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