OT - colonoscopy journal (humorous)

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CrazyHarry
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1034
   Posted 2/5/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days
later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded
thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S
GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had
was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first
I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because
I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment,
I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


about THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...

> > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
> the
> > exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that
> the
> > following are actual comments made by his patients
> > (predominately male) while he was performing their
> > colonoscopies:
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going
> where no
> > man has gone before!
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> there
> > yet?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally
> > married.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left
> hand
> > out...'
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
> >
> >
> >
> > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> >
> >
> >
> > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
> dignity.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,
> didn't
> > you?'
> >
> >
> >
> > 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
> >
> >
> >
> > And the best one of all.
> >
> >
> >
> > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying
> that my
> > head is not up there?'
Crazy Harry

---------------------------------------------
Crohn's since 1993 (17 yrs old then)
surgery in July '05 - removal of 2 inches at ileum and 8 inches of sigmoid colon (had fistula into bladder)
Nov '05 developed colonic inertia; July '06 told i needed ostomy surgery
began maker's diet in August '06 - now feeling the best ever with no symptoms of colonic inertia and i kept my colon
med free as of 10/31/07


snohare
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2088
   Posted 2/5/2009 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
PMSL ! turn Oh so true, so true ! yeah

randynoguts
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 6049
   Posted 2/6/2009 3:07 AM (GMT -7)   
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