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LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:02 PM (GMT -7)   
My fiance have been talking a lot lately about separating. I've tried a few times before but not because I didn't want to be with him. Rather, because I didn't want to ruin his life by allowing him to promise to be with an ill partner for the rest of his life. But he's brought it up himself lately...he says it's because he isn't happy and that he doesn't want either of us to wake up in ten years wondering why we didn't take more risks. Not that I can take any risks besides wandering away from the restroom while I'm flaring. I just don't know what to do...I love him so much, and he says he wants to give it another go, but how do you reconcile with yourself the fact that you are potentially ruining this person's life?
Which brings me to another problem that has been contributing to this, being, school. I've been trying to major in microbiology possibly with sights to go to med school, but it has taken so much time away from us. I've chosen to hit the books over spending time with him and I can't imagine how much that's hurt because I've done it so often. I wonder if this is the right path. I want to major in something where I have the power to change things and help people, but I don't want it if it means losing or hurting him.
Not only this, but prolonged use of prednisone is making me CRAZY. I've been making him feel guilty for going to see his friends or playing video games for no reason other than that it irritates me. I can't do this anymore I know...I realize it's mostly my fault with the way things are going, and I desperately want to fix them. We both agreed to keep trying for a little longer. I told him I would try harder to stop acting like such a shrew...he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He really is a saint for putting up with what he has. Most young men his age would be out partying and trying on girl after girl, but he spends his nights in a hospital tending to me or at home...tending to me.
Of course another problem now is that the added stress and new foods to my diet has made me start flaring again. It's only a small one right now, but my stomach does hurt badly enough to be debilitating sometimes and I am losing blood again. This just makes it harder to keep promises of doing more. I feel like the added stress of school and relationship troubles, illegal foods, and so on have made this all set to go to hell in a hand basket.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I just feel so lost...I can live without him, but I wouldn't want to. I couldn't be with anyone else but him anyway. I've never been a warm person so the fact that he was able to get me to mentally open up at all was something. I just don't want to lose the one good and stable thing I have, but I don't want to keep it if it means making him miserable.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Seems you are having a bit of a inner conflict with yourself and it is important to be able to share your thoughts with someone. If you think this is the man for you then try to make it work.. Haven't got much advice about your goals, life is always full of decisions ..I know how hard the pred is and try not to make major decisions about your future maybe while on it.. I was not myself to say the least on pred.. Do you think it is causing a bit of depression? Hang in there things will get better.. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,hemmies,and still alive.lol gail


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I think it is the cause for a good deal of depression. I get so paranoid and crazy too so I always am afraid he is going to leave me for someone 'better' so to speak. In other words, a girl who isn't sick. And that alone is enough to make me want to crawl under the covers and sleep for a year.
I just wonder if separating while we get our degrees is best or..I don't know...the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to be with him. I don't even look at other people anymore. It's as if he were the only one to exist sometimes. We both decided we want to try to make it work and have been trying to stay open and talk to each other about it, but I have a really bad habit of closing the whole world off and refusing to say anything. I know this definitely does not help things...
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


snohare
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2088
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   
shakehead I am the last person you want to be getting advice from. I have avoided getting into relationships just so that I wouldn't end up where you are now. I don't know that my way is any better, it can make for a pretty empty life. Better to have loved and lost, etc....eyes
You have my sympathy though. yeah
((Hugs))

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, LMills. What a dilemma.

I need some time to think about this one... but in the meantime, please know that I'm here and listening and caring.

Ivy.

ps. Just so we can have some extra background, what type of career is your fiance hoping for? Will his be a high-pressure job, or one where he's likely to have some control over his hours and workload?
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
He's majoring in biochemistry...so we've both chosen careers that don't guarantee much time for each other during or after school or after graduation...I guess I am choosing what I have too because I feel like I need to find some security as far as insurance goes.
Thank you guys for your quick responses by the way...I don't really have anyone who is sick that I can talk to about relationship troubles. I'm just really confused and afraid right now.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


FallColors
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1220
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Single is hard. Being in a relationship is hard. Which one is better? I really don't know. You are still quite young. You are probably rolling your eyes right now but it is true. College is such an artifical environment too. Life will be very different, just as you will be different, after you graduate. I know of few relatiosnhips that lasted after college anyway. Why don't you give him and yourself some time? Take a break and focus on your studies and let him focus on his. See what time brings. Take care.
Diagnosed with rectal Crohn's in early 2007.  Several peri-rectal abscesses and two fistulae with setons.  Allergic to Remicade and Humira.  Currently on 6MP, and vitamins D and B-12.


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 5:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Kasper and Fallcolors-I posted before yours registered on the page sorry. But I feel like even with true love you can learn to live without each other but you just won't be as happy if happy at all...And I know I can't forget about Crohn's. It plays a big part in my decisions. As I said, the only reason I ever thought about separating is because I didn't want him to 'have' Crohn's too so to speak. I feel like it's unfair to him sometimes.
And I know that we're both young...I realize that so many relationships end before college or even right after when two people realize that they've grown but not together. I'm willing to keep trying, but it's such a guilt trip sometimes. And not because of him but because of my own thoughts.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


FallColors
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1220
   Posted 2/28/2009 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
You can't make his decisions about living with CD. If he makes the decision to live with it, then you need to honor that. Of course we don't want to be responsible for anyone have unpleasant times. But if he goes in with his eyes open, then he has made an honest decision to accept it. This is very mature stuff. If he isn't there yet, and if you can't see how anyone would every choose a life like that, then you should wait for a while.
Diagnosed with rectal Crohn's in early 2007.  Several peri-rectal abscesses and two fistulae with setons.  Allergic to Remicade and Humira.  Currently on 6MP, and vitamins D and B-12.


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
It's easy to say so but not quite as much when you're in love with someone and don't want to hurt them. Neither of us could have had any idea about the kind of life this would give us. And while he's willing to stay and fight for it, who in their right mind would subject the one they love without thinking about that person's well being and happiness?..
I don't think anyone can go in with their eyes open on this unless they've had the disease themselves or been with someone with the same condition prior. I thought I was going in with my eyes open on the disease and I'm the one who has it.
And no, I really can't see how anyone would ever choose a life like this...but I know even so that some learn to live with it and some don't. My worry is that he'll learn to live with it and wake up when he's 30 wondering what on earth he did with his life.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


belleenstein
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1010
   Posted 2/28/2009 6:32 PM (GMT -7)   
LMIlls:

I am more than twice your age, have been married for 36 years and normally would not insert myself into this kind of discussion with a young woman who is 10 years younger than my youngest child. But this is the internet so here are some observations, for what they are worth ...

Is it possible that your concerns about "ruining his life" could be hiding a deeper fear? I'm wondering whether you are terrified that this wonderful partner of yours is going to wake up some day and decide that you are damaged goods ( which, if we're being honest might just be how you have been feeling about yourself since diagnosis) and just not worth fighting for anymore. And if this thought is at the root of your fears, is it possible that you are sabotaging your relationship -- being *****y and judgemental -- to force the issue. In so doing sort of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It might be that you need to reconcile your relationship with yourself and your disease and that might go a long ways towards solving the conflicts in your relationship with your partner.

You are worth loving. Your partner is demonstrating this every day. And trust me, although it may seem impossible to believe, there will come a point when you will see the gifts that this nasty disease will bring into your life, not just the trials. Don't know what form those gifts will take in you, just know they are there.

We do not get to choose a lot of what happens to us in life. We do get to choose how we reconcile life events into the fabric of our beings. We do get to choose. And in the choosing we define who we are.

You are a fighter. Yes, you have been dealt a cruel cruel blow, but it is early days in your disease -- you've been diagnosed for less than a year and that's not a long time to go through the grieving process that is a part of receiving this kind of diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. If you can't yet find it in your heart to love this disease version of you, then trust the perspective of your partner. He loves you, disease and all. The disease will not be what separates you.

about your career aspirations. I am troubled that you seem to think that when you work you feel like you are stealing time away from your fiance. I doubt whether your partner wants to be responsible for you turning your back on your dreams of being a micro-biologist and/or a physician. But, is your work also taking you away from health at the moment? I don't know. But you need to honestly ask yourself whether, at this point in your disease, your studies are helping you move towards wellness or are they hindering your efforts to be well. That is a very individual thing and only you can figure it out, but I do think that question has far more legitimacy than worrying about what it is taking away from your partner.

You are so young and my heart aches when I think of the turmoil going on in your young life. I can not pretend to know how you are feeling. I was married and expecting my third child when crohn's struck. But I have often pondered what would have happened had I been still single and fear that, given my personality, I probably would not have allowed anyone to get close.

Is it possible that one of the gifts that this dd could give you is the opportunity to let someone else's strength (your fiance's) carry you for a little while? I grew up believing I was "the strong one". Emotionally, mentally, physically, intellectually I could always manage. Even in my marriage and through many years with this disease I continued to relish that label. When I finally let go and allowed myself to be weak, I inadvertently gave my family an amazing gift. I had been so busy taking care of them all, I had never let them take care of me. Best gift they ever received. Sometimes it is a strength to surrender.

Hugs from the heart.
Belleenstein:

30+ years living with Crohn's.

Post Edited (belleenstein) : 3/1/2009 4:52:53 AM (GMT-7)


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
belleenstein said...
LMIlls:

Is it possible that your concerns about "ruining his life" could be hiding a deeper fear? I'm wondering whether you are terrified that this wonderful partner of yours is going to wake up some day and decide that you are damaged goods ( which, if we're being honest might just be how you have been feeling about yourself since diagnosis) and just not worth fighting for anymore. And if this thought is at the root of your fears, is it possible that you are sabotaging your relationship -- being *****y and judgemental -- to force the issue. In so doing sort of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.



I've been thinking this all too often as of late...I really think that this is a big part of it. You're absolutely right in that I feel like damaged goods, afraid that he'll see it this way someday and leave me for someone 'better.'

And I feel like my studies are taking time away from us because I literally will study for seven hours at a time, completely ignoring his requests to take a short break and just sit down with him. I'm a perfectionist, though all for nothing this semester as flaring and relationship troubles have caused my grades to drop much lower than I have ever had. Which just makes me study even more and spend even less time with him. I imagine he feels neglected at the moment..I haven't been physical with him either and I remember the few times he's been too tired to pay attention to me that way that I felt completely rejected.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


janicea
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 350
   Posted 2/28/2009 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe it's time to take things one day at a time. Have some fun. Let the future work itself out.
Sounds like he's a good guy and you're a great gal. Perhaps a break from trying to figure out the future would make the present more fun??

hugs!!

LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
janicea-I agree..I will definitely be trying more of that. Living for an uncertain future just doesn't cut it.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


patientspiders
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 733
   Posted 2/28/2009 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry you're going through this Mills... some great advice has been posted already, I just wanted to add two things.

One - While all the advice here is great - from my perspective - Belleenstein hit the proverbial nail on the head. YOU have to reconcile your life with YOURSELF.

That being said - you are WAY ahead of the game, so give yourself some credit. You are an intelligent, sensitive, and self-aware woman - you just need to tune into yourself and TRUST yourself (something next to impossible to do on a fundamental level when you don't "trust" your own body, I know). You know what you need to do to get back in touch with your "true" self, so to speak - not this crohnie-cramming-stressed Mills. Dig deep, girl. You know what to do - there's just so much "static" from the bull-doody of daily life that sometimes it's hard to hear ourselves.

Two - My hubby knew I had crohn's when we got married, so he was "theoretically" prepared for the bumpy ride. We were two years in and married before I had a wicked flare. I was sooooooo scared that he would regret marrying me, or that he would feel "defeated" or "resigned" and be with me just because he agreed to and he's not the type to run. But honestly - I thank the spirits EVERY single day that he is my husband, because he has been my sanity - and we have come through the horrors of the last year stronger, and with even more love for each other. Not every boy is made of that kind of metal, if you know what I mean.

I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
27f, dx'd CD July '05 after 6 fistula/abscess surgeries
Remicade '05 through '08, with no other maintenance meds
Noticing a real difference with a Gluten-Free diet.
Currently on:
Cimzia (loading doses 2-12-09)
Probiotics, Digestive Enzymes, and Prednisone


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 2/28/2009 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
patientspiders-Did you ever think about leaving your husband before and/or after you were married because you didn't want to hurt him?
It's comforting to know you two have made it through so much in one piece...
Sometimes I feel like if he would have been too weak to handle this he would have left already. We really have been through so much even in one year. The doctors were even surprised at how aggressive this disease is in my case. He's been so amazing..I just don't want to lose it.I would be a fool to throw it way. It's just hard to not want to hurt or lose someone since the two contradict each other many times.
Thanks by the way...
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


Rider Fan
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1445
   Posted 2/28/2009 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't know what I'd do without my wife.

Having said that, I urge you not to let fear of being alone play into your decision. Good luck!
32 y/o male. Dx'ed in 1999. No surgeries.

Current meds: 25mg Methotrexate. 25mg prednisone. Udo's Choice Probiotics (30 billion).

Tried SCD, didn't work, now avoiding gluten and dairy.


pb4
Elite Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20576
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:01 PM (GMT -7)   
People see things differently from one another, one persons perspective of an identical situation can be quite different from another persons...there are many of us here that have long and wonderful relationships with our partners regardless of our disease...like it says "in sickness and in health" and if anyone here has a partner that doesn't know to take their vows literally then they are probably with the wrong person.

:)
My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it! LOL :)


Bammer
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 381
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Just my thoughts but maybe you are overthinking this. You seem to have a lot on your plate now and being on medications probably doesn't help your thought process. As far as leaving someone because you don't want to hurt them, will leaving now not hurt him? Give him some say. Read what you just posted "He's has been so amazing...Ijust don't want to lose it. I would be a fool to throw it away." So hang on for now!
55 yr. old F dx. CD 07/07
Was on prednisone for three months but no medication for next 11 months.
Started weekly methotrexate injections 09/22/08.
Sigmoidectomy scheduled for May 11/2009


patientspiders
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 733
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I most definitely thought about ending our relationship before we got married... I felt guilty... Like I could read the fine print at the bottom of the pending marriage contract and my husband couldn't, so I felt like I was taking advantage of him or something. When he had to give me my Humira shots for the first time I even joked about it, like "I bet you wish you had read the fine print, eh?" He just laughs and rolls with the punches.

To be honest, Mills - the thought of "sparing him" the stupidity of this disease still pops in my head during the bad times - but the thought never stays there for long anymore. I think the strength of those doubts faded after what we went through with the miscarriage and flare last year. I don't mean to imply that getting through bad times together means anyone is destined to be together for the long haul, but it does go a LONG way in evaluating that person's role in your life. But you already know that.

My husband and I get through the bad times, and they make the good times all that much sweeter. It sounds so cheesy, I know, but it's true. I guess we just sort of figure, "We've been through one version of hell together already, so... chances are... it can only get better from here." And, regardless, we feel pretty confident that we can take whatever life throws at us.

Your post made me ponder as I've been cleaning the last couple hours, and I did want to add one caution... the man I was with before I met my husband... he was sort of "TOO" obsessed with me and my disease - almost TOO caring. He was convinced that if he just cooked me the right foods and researched the right meds that he could magically fix me I think. It was so sweet at first... to have someone tending to me, and researching and worrying. But when I got through the flare... as harsh as it sounds - we sort of realized that we really didn't make a good match. It was like the disease and the lack of time together and the whole scenario kept us from evaluating on a primal level if we were right for each other because we were always so busy clutching after the time and the "tomorrow" that was gonna be better than today. I guess that's the flip side of the coin... bad times can bond you together, or just distract you.

Don't forget to stop and smell the roses while you stew over such serious soul-business, woman. ;-) (((hugs)))
27f, dx'd CD July '05 after 6 fistula/abscess surgeries
Remicade '05 through '08, with no other maintenance meds
Noticing a real difference with a Gluten-Free diet.
Currently on:
Cimzia (loading doses 2-12-09)
Probiotics, Digestive Enzymes, and Prednisone


Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 2/28/2009 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
LMills, pretty much anything I could have said has already been said. I think you have a lot to think about, and you will come to the right decision if you come to it with thought and not just by fear.

As for stories about 36+ years of marriage, it gives me hope, and I really hope you can look at some of them and have hope that there are good people out there who are meant to be spouses of CD patients. I appreciate, Belleenstein, that you did decide to reply. Not only does your story and advice help the LMills, but it helps others like me also. There are times I have doubts about someone truly loving me and wanting to be a significant part of my life when I'm "damaged", and sometimes it's good to hear the questions that sometimes it's hard to ask yourself.

PB4-not just the "in sickness and in health", but the vast majority of vows are easily ignored or not taken literally by some, thus the divorce rate being so high. Isn't "for richer or poorer" another one that's not taken literally? People coping when financially stable, but breaking when there are money problems.... I hope that when I get married, it is to someone who takes them quite literally, as I plan on taking them literally myself.
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05
Currently on Humira, Prilosec, Effexor, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 2/28/2009 10:19 PM (GMT -7)   
One problem that modern women face is a social pressure to "have it all". Somehow we are supposed to be able to juggle a relationship, a fulfilling career and perhaps a family... and increasingly women are discovering that it is *not* possible to have it all, and that compromises have to be made if we are not to crash with exhaustion.

I wonder, LMills, if one of the reasons you are so troubled at the moment is because you are starting to see for yourself that the social expectation is in fact a facade, and that, in reality, it is incredibly difficult to juggle studies / career and relationships. This is a difficult realisation for any young woman, and it is understandable that you are feeling lost at the moment.

On top of that, you have to cope with the strong social expectation that women will sacrifice their career in order to preserve their relationships (just rewatch The Devil Wears Prada if you think that expectation is no longer current in mainstream society). So... even though you are looking deep inside yourself to help you make your decision, I think it is also important to look beyond yourself too, because, whether you realise it or not, there are social messages circulating in any society that may be influencing how you are thinking and feeling at the moment. Once you have identified those external pressures, it becomes easier to decide whether you want to conform or rebel against them.

Of course, all of this is more difficult for you. You, like many modern women, are trying to juggle studies / career and a relationship... but on top of that, you have your other "relationship", aka Crohn's. Livinig with a chronic illness is like being a mother to many children. Your energy is drained; your time is not your own; it is difficult, if not impossible, to plan ahead; you are constantly tied to restrooms ... I'm sure you can continue the list!

In other words, LMills, I think you are trying to have it all... but to make things more difficult, you have an extra burden that most other young women don't have to contend with. You are never going to be able to get rid of your Crohn's, unless someone discovers a cure, so I think that, somehow, you are going to have to find a way to squeeze your career and your fiance into your life... and if that's not possible, then you may need to start making compromises with one or the other.

"Compromises" does not mean abandoning one or the other! You may be able to change your study schedule by going part time... or you may need to lower your standards and accept Bs instead of As... or schedule one or two "date" nights a week while you are both in uni, and keep the other nights free from study... I'm sure that, between the two of you, you could come up with some other workable compromises, if that's the way you choose to proceed.

This is something you will need to decide between the two of you... but I would encourage you to reject the pressure to have it all... and decide what really matters to you and just focus on that.

Thinking of you,

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


spookyh
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1342
   Posted 2/28/2009 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
snohare said...
shakehead I am the last person you want to be getting advice from. I have avoided getting into relationships just so that I wouldn't end up where you are now. I don't know that my way is any better, it can make for a pretty empty life. Better to have loved and lost, etc....eyes
You have my sympathy though. yeah
((Hugs))


Me too. I've only been in one relationship, and it was with someone more damaged than me (more mental than physical though). I realize now that the only reason I was with such a loser was because I didn't think anyone else would have me. On the bright side, that relationship made me feel very appreciative to have such a nice normal family who treat each other with respect :-).

Illini
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 298
   Posted 2/28/2009 10:58 PM (GMT -7)   
A few thoughts...

I would urge you not to make any important, life-altering decisions while you are feeling depressed and/or under the influence of a drug that is affecting your mood.

Every relationship has ups and downs. Considering all that happened to you in 2008, it's not surprising this is a "down" time.

The line of thought that you want to spare your fiance the pain of going through a life taking care of you, due to the Crohn's, is really not about him. You can remove your fiance from the equation and replace him with "any man." If you validate this thinking by ending your current relationship, it doesn't end there. That thinking will prevent you from ever letting anyone commit to spend a lifetime with you, because you will forever see yourself as a limitation or form of punishment, rather than a person that deserves love.

Undergraduate years are a time we grow and change... and you two will either grow together, or grow apart. You should try to judge that objectively without bringing Crohn's into the picture. You are becoming adults, your priorities and values change, you mature, you decide in your mind on your future lifestyle, whether it will be high- or low-stress for you and/or your future spouse, where you will live, how many kids you will have. I find it interesting that you can imagine yourselves together in ten years...but you imagine that you are unhappy or unfulfilled. That may be an indication that you are growing apart, or it may simply reflect the rough year you've had.

Anyways, all that being said... You are very young. If this relationship does not work, you still have time to find someone new, if need be. But your Crohn's is a bad reason to give up on a relationship. Try to weather this storm and when the stress dies down and your mind clears (say, over the summer when you are not taking classes) re-evaluate how you feel about him. He sounds like a pretty good guy.

I know when I was in undergrad, if I wanted to spend time with my now-husband, it was by studying together in the library. He was always studying. And BTW, I was engaged at 21 and married at 22. That was in 2003. Not all college relationships end.
July 2007 Drug-Induced Liver Injury
January 2008 Crohn's Ileitis
Currently trying... Enteral Nutrition, Flax Oil, VSL#3, Folic Acid, Vitamin E

Post Edited (Illini) : 2/28/2009 11:05:14 PM (GMT-7)


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 3/1/2009 4:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi I say don't worry about hurting him because if you two weren't together ,he could go onto a relationship with someone who doesn't love him and who knows what could happen . So take a break as you said all the extra time isn't helping your brain needs a break from it sometimes.. discuss how much time is good for him and he must have studies too.. get at the real problems and stop tearing yourself up.. If you are on pred. you must not be feeling the greastest..being sick wears us down ...you"ll get threw this.. Life is chances and all relationships have there risk...throw that bad hooo dooo your feeling to the curb.. and let go off all that inner insecurities that just get us messed up...and tell your Dr. that pred. is causing you depression ,how much are you on and when can you lower..lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,hemmies,and still alive.lol gail

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