Another rant about relatives who don't get it

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LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/12/2009 1:48 PM (GMT -7)   
My dad has been a civilian flight instructor under contract with Westar over in Kirkuk, Iraq for the past year. This is actually how I got my insurance; it started about two months before I had to go the hospital amazingly.

Anyway, he came back for a short break a few days ago and drove down to Tennessee to visit my brother and I as well as meet my fiance. What bothers me is...okay, a lot.

First, he offered to pay for this house for the three of us with two bedroom and one bathroom which is generous, but all of you understand that when we need to go we need to GO NOW and one bathroom with three people really isn't feasible. I told him that and he said "well, you're just going to learn to have to live without some luxuries sometimes." Hm..I didn't realize not soiling yourself in your own home was a luxury in the modern western world.

Next, when he DID ask me about it, it went along the lines of 'so what is the deal with this Crohn's...is it temporary or are they going to cure you soon?' Yes, dad, I have gone through all of this crap in the past year when they had a cure sitting in the back this whole time. I just wanted to be sick and amass huge hospital bills for kicks.

Oh, he also commented snidely that he thought my bills would have been more. He is not helping to pay ANY of them by the way. I'm 20 years old and now have bills large enough that I will be paying and scraping by for a large portion of my life while he makes $300,000 a year...

I finally got fed up and mentioned that the only reason I seem fine and am able to walk around with him is because I had to increase my dose of steroids, am on painkillers yet again, and am taking a lot of immodium just so I don't have an accident while we're out.

I also mentioned I would have to get a job after that and he thought it was a good idea. Okay...I admit I want one but I just want some support from him. I want him to say he'll help me if I need it. And I want to know why AFTER AN ENTIRE YEAR HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT CROHN'S IS. Personally, if my child were diagnosed with something serious like this I would at least wikipedia it. Is that so much to ask?

As for my pregnancy, and we used protection(my fiance also had to have surgery which made him sterile), he told me 'you know, there is such thing as birth control.'
Really dad? Seriously? I had NO idea.

He didn't even ask me how I was doing....He completely ignored everything I tried to explain, and then had the nerve to talk about spending all of this money on my younger sister who is already able to go out on 400 dollars shopping sprees anyway...

I know I was never his favorite, I mean, he used to pull my hair and pinch me really hard to make me cry so he had something to laugh at, he used to buy my sister the things I put on my Christmas list, and he would be really cheap when we went down to see him together but then take her to see people like Mark Knopfler and the Rolling Stones calling to rub it in my face 'you know if you had come with your sister you could have done this too.'

I don't know...I am just really angry with him right now. I'm grateful that we have insurance through him, and I really grateful that he sends a 200 dollar child support stipend every month(nevermind he lied in court GROSSLY off about his actual income to pay less for his children), but I want support. I want him to acknowledge in the very least that I am sick and that maybe I need help every once in a while. My doctor is telling me to be careful and that if I even have to get a job that it better be part time and light, but I can't do that this summer because I have so many bills to pay...

Which brings me to my last point. He is offering to pay for my sister's car, but refused to help my brother, and is perfectly content not to offer anything of the sort to me. Am I being selfish? Is it wrong to ask for help? His parents payed for EVERYTHING for him: college, multiple houses, multiple cars, and anything else he asked for. So why is he so different? Why does want to be so cheap with me?..And why doesn't he even care that I have a disease that has almost killed me twice? He was going to be a grandfather for god's sake...
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, LMills.... *Hugs* I wish your father were more understanding...
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, LMills. *hug* No, I don't think you're selfish, and no, I don't think you're asking too much.

One thing I have learnt, however, is that you can't change someone's behaviour, so I suspect you're going to be wasting a lot of your emotional energy if you try to make him understand or help you. In short, I don't think he wants to see or understand... and until he does, I suspect this behaviour will continue.

I'd ask if you think that the time in Iraq has affected him and made him a bit unstable and irrational, but from what you say it sounds as if this has been going on for most of your life?

All I can say is that I'm sorry, LMills, and that I hope you know that you do have us to give you sympathy, hugs and support.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Sweetie,
I am so sorry he is treating you so badly. I think some people do not get it until they become sick. I do not know what it will take to have him validate you and I am not sure if he is even emotionally capable of doing that. I think it might be a good idea to send him your medical bills. I do not think it is wrong to ask for help from your family, but sometimes they fall far short of what they should be.
Huggers,
Navy


Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 3/12/2009 3:07:54 PM (GMT-6)


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:06 PM (GMT -7)   
No, I mean he has been away from any war or anything of the sort. He just trains young men how to fly. He's actually better than he used to be, but it just has been that he has never liked me as much as my other siblings. I was hoping that his being away and my illness would bring us closer...

My doctor seemed peeved by his behavior when I told him, wrote a letter specifically to my father, gave me brochures to give him, and said 'you know you can even tell him to call me if he actually has any questions.'

I agree that I probably will have to get over it...I wonder if we ever stop being bitter by our parents...

Thank you guys for your replies too...it's good to hear someone else say it.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Navy-I posted before I saw your reply, but that is a good idea and I may just do that...or leave it out just to let him see when he passes by or SOMETHING. Thank you for understanding...
I'm just a little lost on this subject right now because I don't want to be ungrateful.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 5 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and good probiotics.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Attempting a diet without refined sugars, high fat content, bleached or bromated flour, most dairy, red meat, and avoiding anything spicy like the plague. Also refuse to eat anything with trans fat or high fructose/corn syrup.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Huh... I thought parents weren't suppose to show any favoritism...

'Course, parents aren't suppose to do a lot of things... but some of them do, anyway... It sucks. :(
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


kimberlayn
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 239
   Posted 3/12/2009 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry for you're frustration. After 35 years I've finally learned that you can't make your parents any different than they are! I've got a brother who has been treated like gold no matter how bad he's screwed up, and I've been the good one who got no attention. Their loss now, as they have alienated two grandkids simply by not calling or showing any interest in them or their activities. If my brother ever has kids, I'm sure they will be given attention nonstop! I've given them the benefit of the doubt many times, and I used to make the effort to get them involved, but not anymore. But that's my situation, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone! Maybe your dad can be more involved with you. I'm not surprised that after a year halfway around the world he doesn't know anything about Crohn's: my husband, halfway across the same bed, doesn't know much either! He doesn't ask, doesn't look for info about it, doesn't read any info I give him, and I think anything I or my doc (he's only met him when I had surgery or after a colonoscopy) says about goes in one ear and right out the other! I used to get pretty upset about it, but now I realize that he doesn't want to know. Not the details anyway, just if I'm going to be ok, and what he can do to make me feel better and help me. Maybe your dad doesn't want to know either, or maybe he just hasn't concentrated on it enough! Can you print out some info about Crohn's, maybe highlight what you've dealt with, and tell him you just want him to understand? I hope you get some peace about this soon, however you have to do it.
diagnosed w/Crohn's 11/06. 35f with 2 boys and a wonderful husband. 150 mg Imuran, bentyl, entocort, vicodin as needed, Humira, metoprolol for orthostatic hypotension and heart palpitations. Bowel resection 9/07. Active disease back, darn it 8/08. 11 year old son with IBS-C, on Bentyl.


jmiller056
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 57
   Posted 3/12/2009 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
You are definitely not being selfish, I would be infuriated if put in that kind of a position. I hope that one day he will understand.
Dx Crohn's Disease in 2001 at age 14. Lost 3 inches of colon and 7 inches of ileum in 2004 bowel resection.

CD returns in October 2008 at age 22.

Current meds: Pentasa: 3000 mg; Fibercon: 2 pills 3x; Imodium: 2 pills 3x

Ineffective Drugs: Imuran, Entocort, Remicade


yellowfin43
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 305
   Posted 3/12/2009 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
This may not be a popular post but here's how I see it. It's obvious your father doesn't understand Crohn's disease and that's unfortunate for you. He may be old fashioned and simply not understand about chronic lifelong diseases like this. Hopefully he will come to understand at some poit. Now....My parents never gave me squat! No house...even one with one bathroom. They didnt even buy my school clothes after I started my paper route at 13. I learned to earn everything I've ever aquired. I would not know how to act if one of my parents ever offered me something as significant as a house. I have learned to work hard all my life and be very proud of what I have because of it. I have a 25 year old daughter that reminisces to her friends about how tough her life has been and I have to smile. I have bought her 2 cars and she has lived with me for the last year and a half for free. Her mother and I spoiled her rotten as she was growing up because we never wanted her to know what it was like to grow up like we did and now she is resentful because of her childhood? I'm sorry but sympathy is not the emotion I'm feeling here.
Crohns 30 years. Ileostomy for 15 years. Symptom free for 14 years until 6 months ago. Now on Remicade and iron. Feeling like a champ!
God Bless. Tony


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 3/12/2009 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi I too feel that life has been a struggle and I guess I would find him a book about crohn's and mail it to him if it were me....perhaps including some nice pictures of yourself .. and although things are what they are I am glad that you at least had some time to spend with him... perhaps any worries he has remain inside him where you will not get to find them.. lol gail
Hallarious woman over 50 ,CD ,IBS 27 years--resection,fistula's,obstructions,hemmies,and still alive.lol gail


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 3/12/2009 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   
LMills -

First, I think you have every right to try to have your dad understand your crohns. Maybe when you have cooled off some you can ask to sit down with him and explain it to him.

That said, I can understand why he got upset when you didn't accept his house offer. I think it is hard for someone without our problem to understand how hard it is to live with one bathroom. You could always have another bathroom put in later! Now is the house he offered to buy the house you are currently living in? Maybe that is why he didn't understand... he might be thinking "well you are making it work now."

I totally sympathize with you I just think it might take some explaining before he understands. And, if you live w/ two boys I doubt they take as much time in the bathroom as us girls do!
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Valerie3
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 529
   Posted 3/12/2009 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
^ Problem with living with guys, from my experience, is when most of them do go #2, they tend to sit in there for an hour reading the paper or something, even if they don't take as long getting ready in the morning.

I would go nuts with one bathroom, I start panicking if someone is even in the bathroom next to my room when I need to go, wondering if I can make it down the flight of stairs. :( It's bad enough dealing with that for me!

LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/12/2009 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys for your responses!!

I do have information to give him as well as my doctor's letter, and I do plan on sitting down with him and explaining what the deal is and that I would really appreciate his support.
As for his house offer, it's for a small one in a bad neighborhood...that he wanted to rent out anyway whether or not we wanted it. It was kind of like a 'oh well I GUESS if you guys need a place to stay you can stay there.' Don't get me wrong, this is really generous, but he's always dismissed anything we asked for thinking it was stupid, fully expressing that he thought it was stupid, and then went out and bought well...junk instead(he promised us each 400 for our 16th birthday to help with a car, followed through on my brother and younger sister, but bought me a used stereo from a garage sale with holes in it instead)...

Or, like when our house(our being with mom and stepdad, not dad) burned and my brother and I lost EVERYTHING but sister lost nothing he didn't offer to help us at all but was fine splurging on her. That's just kind of how he is I guess and I'll have to accept it eventually. So to yellowfin, I do appreciate your words definitely and am glad not to be given my every desire because it really does help me appreciate what I have gotten on my own, but right now I need his support on terms of my illness, something he obviously hasn't taken the time to understand...maybe I'm tired of being the one put on the back burner you know? But perhaps that is something I just have to learn to accept too..and will in time actually now that I think about it.

Ah well..off to apply for jobs. I need to grow up anyway. I just was kind of hoping he would be there to see it.
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 10 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and Align probiotics given to me by my GI.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Diet almost completely without refined sugars, wheat, flour, gluten, high lactose dairy, and/or junk food in general.
Learning how to live again.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/12/2009 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, and Valerie, you are totally right. I thought girls were bad for getting ready, but guys make up for it by catching up on their reading time in there hah...
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 10 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and Align probiotics given to me by my GI.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Diet almost completely without refined sugars, wheat, flour, gluten, high lactose dairy, and/or junk food in general.
Learning how to live again.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 3/12/2009 5:40 PM (GMT -7)   
(HUGS) that sounds awful to me. It almost reminds me of the child called IT book where the siblings were treated fine but he was abused. I know what you are talking about doesn't rise to the level of physical abuse but it is emotional abuse.
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


mintyamy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 3/12/2009 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I truly understand how you feel. Being young and also having a father that shows favoritism to my sister, I totally get what you are saying. When you don't feel well, and have pain constantly, it's easy for your emotions to overwhelm you. For my whole life I have tryied to analyze why my father gives me a hard time, and have always came to the same conclusion = I don't know. I will never know why. It's something I think I have come to terms with. I just ignore it now. I think of what I have and realize I don't need him to approve or to help me in my life, I'd rather do it on my own. I also have a wonderful fiance and carrer goals that I can focus my energy towards, which makes things much better when I'm having a "pity party" for myself. I know your medical bills feel like a huge burden right now, but take it one day at a time. There is help out there for those who can't afford them. Call the hospital/doctors that issued the bills and ask, you never know. I don't know if you are a religious person at all, but prayer has helped me a lot! I feel like the Lord is always listening and understands me. I wish you the absolute best of luck with everything!


Valerie3
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 529
   Posted 3/12/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I remember that book, I read that when I was in high school and I found it so sad that anyone could treat their child that way. But it is true that a lot of parents really can be emotionally abusive, my mom can be quite similar to LMills' father, she has always favored my sister and makes no effort to hide it...Luckily I'm extremely close with my father, who I usually get along with 100% (except when he gets stressed about me missing work...I work for him which caused a lot of tension when I was still getting diagnosed). It makes it that much harder to cope with an illness though when you feel like you can't even talk to certain members of your family. :(

LMills - Is your sister the youngest out of your siblings? I've heard that a lot of parents tend to spoil the youngest the most. I am the youngest between my sister and I, and my father has always spoiled me compared to what she gets and I feel a bit guilty about it. My mom doesn't follow this pattern though, so who knows.

yellowfin43
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 305
   Posted 3/13/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
LMills, I don't want you to think I was picking on you. I have this disease too and like most of us have been through alot. I guess I just think that each of us has to toughen up and look out for ourselves and if someone happens to cross our path and offer us something like your dad did, be thankful. It's obviously not the perfect scenario for you but you could add a room and bath with your own money and it's still alot cheaper than buying a home and then it will fit your needs. Since my daughter was born I've been told countless times what a good dad I am but to hear her tell it I'm an ogre. I guess because I am a dad and I'm older I can relate more to your dad's perspective. My guess is his feelings might be hurt because he thinks you don't appreciate his offer. You'll soon learn that being a parent can be a difficult job. As a parent Ive learned that giving too much to your children can prevent them from learning how to survive in a dog eat dog world. Sometimes you just have to watch your children struggle and know that they are learning how to live and that's really what a parents job is.....to teach our children how to survive on their own. When we are gone you won't have any choice.


Crohns 30 years. Ileostomy for 15 years. Symptom free for 14 years until 6 months ago. Now on Remicade and iron. Feeling like a champ!
God Bless. Tony

Post Edited (yellowfin43) : 3/13/2009 12:11:07 PM (GMT-6)


Celey
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1284
   Posted 3/13/2009 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Yellowfin, not all parents want what's best for their children... Some want what's best for themselves (My dad is in prison, and rightly so). And some are incapable of providing adequate care (My mother has severe schizophrenia).
I think I am being picked on by life, sometimes. But's that okay. Life and I are good buddies... I know life doesn't mean no harm. It just is the way it is. I can accept that.


caroline_r
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 3/13/2009 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
yellowfin43 said...
LMills, I don't want you to think I was picking on you. I have this disease too and like most of us have been through alot. I guess I just think that each of us has to toughen up and look out for ourselves and if someone happens to cross our path and offer us something like your dad did, be thankful. It's obviously not the perfect scenario for you but you could add a room and bath with your own money and it's still alot cheaper than buying a home and then it will fit your needs. Since my daughter was born I've been told countless times what a good dad I am but to hear her tell it I'm an ogre. I guess because I am a dad and I'm older I can relate more to your dad's perspective. My guess is his feelings might be hurt because he thinks you don't appreciate his offer. You'll soon learn that being a parent can be a difficult job. As a parent Ive learned that giving too much to your children can prevent them from learning how to survive in a dog eat dog world. Sometimes you just have to watch your children struggle and know that they are learning how to live and that's really what a parents job is.....to teach our children how to survive on their own. When we are gone you won't have any choice.


I get your point, I really do, but I also have to disagree on certain things. It seems to me that her dad hasn't been in her life all that much, so I don't see that being a dad was hard on him?!? And secondly, you don't really have a choice when you're not physically ok, and she's really not ok! She doesn't have the money to pay for her bills - the bills that she has because of her disease and not because she has two cars, a house and buys tons of make-up and God knows what. And now you're telling her that you as a parent think she shouldn't complain about it and that life is tough and that it's better for her to have to make it on her on, because she'd be lost after her parents were gone? I'm sorry but I am her age and I don't think it's fair to have to deal with medical bills and trying to work or study at the same time you find it hard to get out of bed every morning because your body just can't take it. Life is hard as it is! Paying for her medical bills and at least making sure his daughter can go to toilet relaxed is the least he could do!

LMills I am so sorry you have to go through all of this! I would be totally lost if I had medical bills right now when I'm at college and when most people our age start paying off their houses or cars or whatever. I'm lucky because in my country medical care is mostly free and my opinion is that medical care should be free for everybody anywhere in the world. I'm at college and I'm barely coping with having to study and my CD being active at the same time. This is a tough disease to deal with where you have no control, there is no cure but only meds that might but most often don't help you and where you really don't know what lies in the future for you. It's scary! And on top of all people that surround us mostly don't understand us. And I have to say this, I don't care who disagrees, but it's so much harder to be a woman with this disease.

I have had this disease since I was 16 and I got disappointed a lot of times in my family, so-called friends, teachers, professors, relatives... I've felt my parents weren't very supportive, I've had this disease for 5 years now and they still don't know some basic stuff about CD and sometimes the things they say hurt a lot. But I've learned it's the most they can give and what matters is that I know they would stand by me no matter what, buy me anything I need for my CD and stuff like that. So I feel lucky even though their actions can make me real sad sometimes. And hearing you say all of this I realize how happy I truly am. You've made me feel very humble today and I thank you for that. They might not be capable of dealing with my disease by learning more about it and by trying to understand how I feel but they'd get me anything I need and that's a lot!

The thing is that you're dad is the way he is and trust me you won't be able to change that. I think you need to find a way to get over it because he's hurting you and that's only making your CD worse. That's really bad!!! Don't let him do that to you! Don't let him make it worse for you. It's bad as it is. I know me saying this won't help you. Each one of us needs to learn this on their own. Heck, I'm still learning. But there you are increasing your steroid dose for him and taking stuff just not to have to go to the bathroom when you're with him. And I bet if an "accident" happened to you he'd insult you. And honestly I don't even think him getting the disease would give him compassion. It would be drama drama drama if something like that happened to him, he'd make such a big deal out of it and still ignore your pain. I'm really sorry if you're hating what I'm saying but I know his kind and I'm really sorry I sound so angry, I'm really not trying to play smart. I'm just really sad that all of this is happening to you and I almost started crying when I was reading your post. To heck with him!! You need to concentrate on you! You really really do! Your health is what's most important now, you getting on with your life, you finding your inner strength...

And please don't stress yourself out right now with having to get a job during summer. I know it's important and I know it's necessary and I know you'll give it your best to find one, but instead of worrying about it every single day you need to calm down, tell yourself it's all going to be ok, something's gonna come up and you still have like 2 months to solve this problem. Use these two months on searching for the job and thinking positive. Leave all the bad things behind for at least some time. You're going to be in big problems if you don't stop stressing out, if you do get a job in this condition cuz you'll end up in a hospital and won't be able to do anything at all...and that would be worse. So focus on you, and F everybody!! I mean it! Positive thinking is very important!

And yeah, parents who have favorites...it makes me sick. But it's his soul, his conscience...

It's unfair what you're going through, it's so unfair but please find a way to accept that he's the way he is and that he doesn't deserve you making your CD worse because of what he does do or doesn't do, because of what he says, or doesn't say, because of not having any understanding...Honestly, I feel sorry for him because he's missing out on knowing you, his own daughter, his missing the fact that you're such a strong person who deals with so much and is only 20 years old. You're brave, you're strong, you're independent, you're everything a person should look up to. And he's missing out on that. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. It's a sad life, don't you think? He's obviously so unhappy with himself that the only thing he can do is choose which one of his kids is going to be his favorite and do everything he can to make his other two kids suffer. Trust me, he'll never change and never understand you. But I bet that when he's old and helpless you're going to be there to help him, unlike your other sister. And that's ok. You know why? Because at least you'll know you tried really hard for everything you have and that you've found a way in your heart to forgive him for what he's doing, that you're the bigger person...

I hope you didn't get anything I said the wrong way...I just really wanted to tell you how much I admire you and that I wish you all the best and that you'll be in my prayers. Keep your chin up! You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of yourself! And never give up!
21 yr. old with crohn colitis. Diagnosed in March 2004. No surgeries so far.


Zanne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3763
   Posted 3/13/2009 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
My Dad plays favorites too, and I'm 44 and my sister is 46. My father doesn't get CD for the most part. Mother had it my whole life and he lived with her. He understands some of it, but not really. He doesn't get how much stress plays a part in this, so he is always just piling it on me. I'm the responsible daughter, so I get all the duties. My father is now retired and travels a lot. I have to take care of the house he lives in, a house he rents out, including finding new tenets for him, pay all his monthly bills, any repairs that the tenets need, and generally just worry every time my phone rings that some new crisis has arisen. But, my sister still lives in our childhood home, my Dad moved out and let her, her husband, her daughter and a bunch of boarders take over years ago. She has screwed up her life more times than I can count, including bankruptcy for no reason what so ever, stealing from me, losing her nursing license and each time, he just makes excuses for her. She pays no rent on a 6 bedroom house in a very affluent town, plus she rents out 2 bedrooms. The place is always filthy and is in disrepair, but she won't do any repair work because it isn't "her" house why should she have to do the repairs. On the plus side for me, my cell phone is on his plan. So my sister gets a house, and I get a cell phone. Sounds fair to me!

When my Mom was alive, they did help my Husband and I out a couple of times when we needed it, with some small loans. Nothing like what my sister has gotten, but still it was something. But, I'm also not facing the daunting medical bills that you are.

The point of all this is, I understand where you are in the family dynamic. I think I know why my father favors my sister. She is adopted and I'm not. He's spent all of our lives trying to show that it didn't matter, and he went to far the other way. But that's really not important. What's important is that its taken me years to really get over it, and if I'm being honest some times I'm not over it at all! Some days still want to just sit down and cry about it. But other days, I wouldn't trade my life for hers. So, I'll take my cell phone over her house.

I think asking for your fathers help with the medical bills is worth a shot. What's the worst that can happen, he'll say no. And chances are you are used to that, so really its a chance worth taking, because, he may help you out some. As for the favoritism, there isn't much you can do, except live with it. It stinks, but it really does reflect more on some deficit in your fathers make up than in yours. Especially since he's been playing at this since you were very small. For whatever reason, he doesn't have the capacity to treat you and your brother with the same decency that normal parents show to ALL of their children. I may have missed it in the post somewhere, but is your Mom in any position to intervene on your behalf. I saw that they were divorced, but is there any chance that they are amicable at all? That she might be able to talk to him and help get him to help you with some/part/all of the bills? Are there any relatives on his side of the family that might help to mediate for you? Basically anyone who could talk some sense into him and help get you out of the bill mess so that you can start fresh and not have to worry so much. Then you could just rest for a bit and heal. I think that is how I would put it. You need to not be working and stressing so that your body can heal, or else you are just going to get sicker and sicker and more in debt. Put that way, maybe he might be more inclined to help. Like I said the worst that can happen is he says no.

((((HUGS))))
Suzanne

CD 20 years officially, 30 unofficially. 3 resections '93, '95 '97
Managing with strict low residue diet, keeping symptoms to a minimum. All test show small amount of ulceration, still have occasional blockages. But still have a great time with my 2 daughters and husband!


Prednisone, 6MP,Prevacid, B12 shots, Bentyl, Xifaxan.....


survivor49
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 3/14/2009 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   
i am sorry- you have had a really rotten time lately. my computer is still of in computer world being fixed so i haven't been in touch. i lost both my parents and my cousins, the relatives that i have that are close to me geographically, basically think that i am just a hypochondriac. when i cannot attend something because i am in pain or feel bad, they roll their eyes. even when i was in the hospital they blew it off. their eldest daughter (of 6) is my goddaughter, and she understands- she is 21. they have a son that is 16 that i am certain has crohns and they won't take him to the gi to assess him because the father doesn't "believe in crohn's". and these are successful people with a college education. the mom stays at home, and the dad teached high school in an urban area, with a side fence building business that makes several hundred thousand a year. so there are no excuses for ignorance. the reason that i said all of that was that you cannot force someone to learn about something that for some reason or another they choose to believe does not exist. Perhaps he is scared of things that he cannot control. perhaps a little too out there, but who knows? You are in my thoughts and prayers. talk to you soon

LMills
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 3/14/2009 10:31 AM (GMT -7)   
yellowfin-I know you're not trying to pick on me. I realize what you are trying to do, but I am of the mind that family is the group of people you will have for the rest of your life so you should fight hard to be well with them. Not only this, but the offer on the house was just another offer..he has been this way years before anything of the sort arose. It's simply that I am his least favorite and doesn't understand that not soiling yourself in your own home isn't a luxury that you can learn to live without(if I can help it). If his feelings were hurt too he would show it believe you me...he has no scruples about expressing his ill mood. And while I definitely agree with you that they teach us to be independent I know that no one ever survives on their own 100%. We all need someone, and I believe family is there first..you and I were raised differently so it's natural we feel the way that we do. I was raised on high family values and closeness. Even on my father's side..but this was something he never could completely understand because he was the baby and well, you see how this has turned out.

Celey-I agree..he was not ready to be a father when the time came anyway so has been stuck in that 'me' stage for a very long time.

caroline-thank you for your kind words and the ones you feel were not. I appreciate them ALL. I know it's a demon I will have to fight for quite a long period, and I don't believe any of us ever really get over our bitterness towards our parents. I love him no matter what..all I wanted was some support. I don't think there is anything unrealistic with him being sympathetic, but perhaps he thinks because I am not a young Iraqi male being murdered after flight school I don't know what true appreciation of life is because my near experiences with death were too luxurious.

Zanne-my mother has tried. They are actually on pretty good terms but on very different wavelengths. I feel like we're in the same situation here because I am also the responsible daughter. I tried telling my dad that my younger sister needs some guidance and discipline(she is 16) instead of being able to go out of state with her 20 year old drug addict(not a petty insult but the truth) boyfriend to god knows where. He replied by saying that I need to read between the lines and that she was old enough to make her own decisions as an adult. Hm...

Survivor-I'm just glad to hear from you...I'm so sorry that that is happening though. Even with all of this it never ceases to amaze me at how ignorant people can be. In the end, I think most of them are in denial because it's easier to pretend that something like this doesn't exist rather than help us with support or..even some acknowledgement. I really hope that their son gets the treatment and support he needs when the time comes.

Ah, and to answer the question of who is oldest, my brother is the oldest male so has always received seniority and respect regardless of age, I am the middle and am generally ignored no matter what my achievements are e.g. my teachers have told me my work is some of the best writing they have seen in any of their classes but my dad could only say 'oh, well, stick to science.' No kidding...thinking I would throw a good career away on what might be a book..I just wanted a 'hey good job.' And then my sister is the youngest so you all know how that goes. She has ALWAYS received preferential treatment and appreciates none of it thinking that her life is miserable...I love her, but I did get just a little bit upset when she wouldn't clean up after herself or when she would complain with her friends on my couch right next me about two days after I got of the surgery to take out the baby that nearly killed me. Hm again...
20 years old, Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's and Colitis in May of 2008.
Currently taking:
Prednisone 10 mg, pentasa 2 pills 4x a day, bentyl as needed, omeprazole in the morning, prenatal multivitamin, humira every other week, and Align probiotics given to me by my GI.
Surgery for ectopic pregnancy most likely the result of severe Crohn's inflammation in July of 2008.
Diet almost completely without refined sugars, wheat, flour, gluten, high lactose dairy, and/or junk food in general.
Learning how to live again.
"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how."


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 3/14/2009 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Whats that old saying, you can pick your friends but not your family. Sorry you are having these trials.
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Anxiety/Panic Forum
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium and Xanax as needed. Resections in 2002 and 2005. Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis and Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission.
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*
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