I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was there at one time too. I was diagnosed when I was 24 years old and felt like I was on top of the world before being diagnosed. I had a great job, had graduated from one of the best schools in the country, and was a very competitive athlete.
Within a month my entire life changed. I had lost 15 lbs, was pooing blood 15-20 times a day, couldn't eat, etc. After being diagnosed my doctor put me on prednisone, and that is when the love/hate relationship began. I would go into remission on prednisone, gain weight, get the "moon face" and essentially have my life back (though I absolutely despised the weight gain and moon face). After tapering off steroids I would relapse...this vicious cycle repeated for two plus years. It was awful.
During my first year I got so desperate I tried everything. I followed the Makers Diet religiously, bought all the supplements, drank the detoxification clay etc. When that didn't work I tried the Guts and Glory Program, again bought all the supplements, and went through the full thing. That did not work for me either.
Absolutely convinced that I didn't need the meds and that I would heal "naturally" I saw this chiropractor/naturopath doctor that claimed that if I followed her shake mix/supplement mix/etc that she could "heal" me. After four days I collapsed.
I was in denial. I didn't want to take the meds. I especially didn't want to take prednisone because it made me nocturnal, cranky, gain weight, itchy, etc. But I came to the realization that if I was going to have any quality of life I needed to take my meds. I was depressed. I didn't think this should happen to me. I was no longer fast on the bike, my boss didn't really want me at work b/c he could see me withering away and felt like I needed to be at home resting. I wouldn't accept any of it.
It took me about
two and a half years to accept the fact that meds were going to be a part of my life. I now gladly get my Remicade Infusions b/c it has allowed me to live "normally" (though it didn't work for me the first year I was on it). I wish I could be in remission without the use of meds, but understand that it is what it is.
What you are feeling is normal. Denial is normal. For me, I needed a quality of life. I saw that the meds helped me ride my bike (though I wasn't as fast as I had once been), they helped me go into remission and not poo myself, they helped me get rid of my anemia, helped me digest food, and kept me from needing multiple surgeries. Ultimately Remicade helped me achieve full remission (it took me over two years to go into full remission without prednisone). I never, EVER fathomed that I would be in remission b/c I was so sick for over two years. But it happened. And it's because of my "normal" life now that I will continue to take my meds.
HUGS to you! You will be OK. It takes time to adjust! Just let it go and accept that you will be on meds. Easier said than done I know, but you will feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off your chest once you accept the fact that you will take the meds b/c that is your new normal. That is what is normal for you. And that is okay!