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Sniper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 2/21/2010 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
 Some of you know I lost a close friend last year who also had crohns. He had a great sense of humor and sent lots of off the wall things to me via e-mail.  Lately my e mails have sort of dried up and I dont get many anymore but I check most every morning. This morning when I looked and found nothing my mind gave me a real start. I found myself wondering why I have not received a joke or a funny story from my friend in such a long time. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. How insane must I be ? How could I have forgotten that he had passed away. Am I losing my mind ? I dont know if it was the loss of memory or the memory of this loss but I have been depressed all day . How could this happen ? Am I really having a mental breakdown or does this happen normally ? I am asking you guys because I have been through such a mental breakdown before and dont recall a great deal of what happened during my years in the war. I pray its not happening again. Any thoughts on the subject ? I could use some help guys ..
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


flowery
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 440
   Posted 2/21/2010 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Sniper,
 
I too have suffered from a mental breakdown.  I was not in any type of war...just the war of my abusive life. That time just kinda stood still. Real foggy like. Even after all the surgery's I've had ...I'd do them all again to not go through a breakdown with my mind!!!!
 
 I don't know if I think forgetting about a close friend that was part of your EVERY day a mental breakdown. Could just be age..and dealing with diseases! Not to worry.
I don't know about you but... with this Diabetes thing, my memory is awful especially when I'm low...forget everything! Sometimes my mind feels A.D.D! just all over the place.
I'm sorry about your friend. Especially since he made you laugh. Laughing is the key to all!
What did he pass away from? Almost afraid to ask...since you said he had Crohns.
 
Here's hoping you find more friends that make you laughtongue
Flowery
 "Get busy living or get busy dying"
Dx in 2005 with Crohns after a Hysterectomy. Re-section in 2006...came apart so got to do it again! Frequent Kidney stones and Shingles... a new present as of 08-09 Diabetes Type 2. Total of 12 surgerys.
Imran, Asacol, Colestid, Bentyl, Lamotil, Paxil, Nexium, Probiodicts, Vit D, Folic Acid, Lots of Potassium, Fish Oil, up to 6 Immodium a day. Oh, and one Giant Pill holder!
 
 
               
                        


heatmiser
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 1671
   Posted 2/21/2010 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((((Sniper))))))))))))

You always make me laugh on these forums so perhaps you are passing on that gift to others who need it too, and that would be an honor to your dear friend. I'm not funny, but sure do appreciate the humor of others, so I thank you for that. I hope that it helps to know you are cared for, even though we don't know each other. And clearly, you are loved by this group. I am inspired by the stories you share, the strength that you have in the face of the difficulties, the love for you wife and grateful for veterans like you who have served this country so bravely. Maybe we don't say the important things enough in this life, and that's really too bad. Sniper, you are wonderful, and I doubt you are having any kind of breakdown. Grieving can sneak up on us and be delayed, and the mind can play tricks on us. We are here for you, and if you don't mind, I will be praying for you.

Also, I'll add that when my mom died I found it helpful to join an online grief support group. It did help to talk to others who could relate to what I was going through, much like we do here. Do a search, there is a site that has specialized groups for just about any kind of loss.

Take care!
Dxd CD in 2003. Scope Aug/09 shows UC.
Meds: Colazal, prilosec, darvocet

Post Edited (heatmiser) : 2/21/2010 11:07:25 PM (GMT-7)


Sniper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 2/22/2010 6:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Flowery and heatmiser. Really needed the pic me up. My friend died from Rocky Mountain spotted fever that developed from a tick bite. The doctors said with the crohns and meds he just could not fight off the disease and by the time they determined what he had, it was too late. I did start a new med for diabetes last week and it may be a side effect of that or the diabetes itself but I just have not been feeling right . You may be on to something Heat, maybe its grief. Could also be the rash of health problems going on right now in my family. We lost a cousin only 30 years old a few weeks ago and one I call my big sister ,because we were raised together, and I have no sisters, had a stroke last month and is learning to talk all over again. When we went to see her last week it tore me up . To see such a bright and witty person that I love so , fight so hard to say the words she wants to say ,,well, just makes you feel helpless.
I have PTSD and suffer from flash backs . Lots of therapy has helped me to almost stop them but still every now and then , one slips up on me and I recall something I would rather not. Humor is my tool of choice for dealing with the bad things in life . After all , mostly , there is nothing we can do to change them , so why not look for the good things and enjoy as much as we can. I am so glad I bring a smile to you guys every once and a while. After thinking about this mind thing this morning ,I have come to the conclusion that I dont have too much more to lose anyway. Maybe I just slipped on one of the marbles I lost long ago...
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 2/22/2010 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sniper))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think those that we love walk with us everyday. I still pick up the phone to call my Mom and she has been gone for a little over a year now. You are going thru repeated traumas, it is unfortunately normal to have intrusive thoughts when you are feeling vernerable.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


dunny2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3200
   Posted 2/22/2010 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Navy. Also so many things are routine in our lives that it becomes habitual. Like quitting smoking,
you still reach for that pack, even though it's been gone awhile. I still have a habit of saying " I'll ask Mum", even though
she's been gone for 14 years. I think what happened to you this morning Sniper, is normal, although it's still a shock
when we do it.
I think it's paying your friend a huge compliment, by thinking of him everyday. he must have meant a lot to you!!

God Bless. x
Vicky

Too many years with CD
Two bowel resections, several obstructions.
Fibromyalgia and recently diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis and lupus.
B12 Shots bi-weekly

Laughter is the brush that sweeps the cobwebs from our hearts...


HabsHockeyFan
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 3130
   Posted 2/22/2010 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Sniper... still think about calling my Mom on Friday nights and she has been gone for several years now. I have even picked up the phone a few times. There is a comfort in knowing someone is always there. I think we crave that comfort sometimes and the mind goes to look for it not thinking about that loss.
Like Dunny said...I still talk to her. It is comforting to still have them here at least to listen. I swear that I can make a better decision if I ask her what she thinks. What a valued friend he must have been and what a good friend you must be in return to still have the connection. A little shock to think about the electronic process your body went to, but not a shock that you cared so much.
Dx'd '90 (emergency rupture), symptoms ignored long before that, '03 fistulas and bad flagyl reactions, B12 weekly, Pentasa [until I surrender to the bigger meds]
I'm riding on the escalator of life....


tsitodawg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 845
   Posted 2/22/2010 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Sniper, before I say anything else I would first like to tell you how grateful I am for your service and willingness to serve the U.S.. My grandfather was a bronze star earner for his service during WW2 and he still had PTSD till the day he passed. Despite his heroic acts that saved many people including some from the other side, he still suffered with flashbacks and the memories of the great friends that he lost. We did not even realize that he had received the bronze star until he passed and we saw his metals that he had hidden in a small frame box in his army footlocker. His second wife told us it was because it was just too painfull to bring up the memories. I bring this up not to brag about him but to let you know that you are not alone and should not feel bad if you have depression caused by the PTSD.
To have Crohn's disease is tough in and of itself, but when you couple on the rest of one's life experiences it can at times be almost unbearable. When I was in high school I lost my best friend in the whole world to a car accident. It was terrible and his poor father has still not recovered emtionally due to fact that he was following my friend's vehicle. He had to watch as his 3 sons rolled 6 times killing my friend and injuring his 2 younger brothers. Even though it has been 13 years now since this happened, I still catch myself wanted to call him to go hang out. There have been so many amazing life experiences and just regular everyday experiences that I wish that I could have shared with him and I know he would have loved. Since he can't be there in body, I make sure to always have his obituary in my wallet to make sure that he is still involved. When I served as a missionary for my faith, I knew that he had also shared the same dream that I had so he was with me everyday as I walked through the jungles of the Philippines and I swear there were times he was literally walking with me giving me support. When times have been rough I can almost still hear his voice telling me that I can make it through this disease and to believe in myself.
I honestly feel that the best thing that you could do is to continue coming on here and sharing your humor and stories in memory of your friend. It may sound cliche to let his memory live through you but I can not think of any better honor that one person can do for another. For you to suddenly come to the realization this morning that your friend has passed from this Earthly existense does not mean that you are having a mental breakdown, but quite the contrary. To me it means that you have progressed in the greaving process and are now on the start of accepting his death. It is not abnormal for a person to hit thise phaze months or even years down the road and it is part of healing. Everyone here has different beliefs and feelings about diety but let me just tell you that I believe that this life is just a bump in the road of the eternal spectrum. I honestly believe that one day you will have the chance to reunite with all of your loved ones and what an incredible day it will be when you have the chance to tell see your friend again. I know that I look forward to this day and it will be an amazing feeling to let him know that I did not let him memory die through me. I look forward to that family reunion in Heaven.

Sniper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 2/22/2010 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys sooooo much. Just at a low point and really needed the help. I didn't want to call my shrink. Its been a while sense I saw her and I like to think I can get by now. I'm glad to know you guys still pick up the phone to call someone thats gone or talk to loved ones. I use to call my mom and dad any time I traveled to let them know I had made the trip ok. I still feel the urge to call them when I travel even though they are long gone from this world. I guess the thing that hurt me most about my little laps is that I should have never forgotten his death.
tsitodawg , I think I know some of what your grandfather was thinking when he put his past in the footlocker. The things from my Army days that my wife kept me from burning ,during bad days ,are put away somewhere where she can find them. Theres a lot of guilt when you survive what so many did not. The young men I remember that died in the jungle ,,those are the heros. No amount of medals hung on me will bring them back or ease the pain .They lost the chance to grow older, have a family, to love and be loved ,, I didn't. I dont know why I am here and they are not , but I think they had a purpose, a lesson to teach are a mission. I have tried to live my life like I have earned it. Sometimes I feel that I do and other times , not so much. The only thing about that reunion you speak of is that it looks like every day another friend or family member goes over , but I'm still here. I've been ready to go over for a long time, but, I'm still here.....
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 2/22/2010 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Sniper,
I think we are still here for a reason, that there is still something we need to do, and I do not know what it is but it is just my philo. Plus I think Camilla will tazser your butt, if you even think about going over when she needs you. Because buddy she needs you. I want you around for a long time. You are a link for me with my own Dad. I called my parents whenever I went anywhere too. I still drive the car that I drove my parents around in. I can still imagine them there in the passenger seat and I talk to them. It is so funny, because I can just imagine my Mother telling me to clean my car. LOL!
Take Care,
Navy
P.S. Please do not hesitate to call your p-doc/therapist that is what they are there for. They are there to help. There is no embarrassment, just happy that you called when you need some help. OK!
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


WriterMum
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 166
   Posted 2/22/2010 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I absolutely should not worry about having that moment of memory lapse. I agree with tsitodawg that it is what is meant by time healing...not that you get over the loss of a loved one, but that you can put the memory away further in your head. It certainly shows no disrespect to your friend, nor should you be afraid to feel sadness on remembering his loss.

I cannot imagine the emotions that you deal with after all your experiences, but from everything I have read in your posts it would seem to me that you are incredibly well adjusted. You provide support and caring to so many here, and voice your own feelings so deeply, that I think you are clearly entitled to a bad day. If you didn't have days like that I would be amazed.

Hang in there and take care. turn
45 years old. Diagnosed with moderate to severe Crohn's in April 2005. Hiatus hernia diagnosed in 2008. Had Crohn's under control until March last year when I had a major flare up and ended up in hospital. Diagnosis is now CD and IBS. Getting it under control again.
Currently taking: Salofalk 2000 mg, Nexium, Calcium and Vitamin D, Matamucil, Yogurt for probiotics, Salofalk suppositories as needed.


Sniper
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 2/22/2010 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again guys. I find your thoughts on this very comforting. Your right MMMNavy, my wife needs me and would probably kick me in the a,,, well , in the pants if I should go away now. Not that I have my duffle packed or anything like that. Just ready if they call my name . I knew a guy that did not like being in a helicopter. The pilot said to him one day that he should not be worried. When they call your number he said, thats it no matter where you are. The guy told the pilot he was not worried about his own number being called it was what would happen if the pilots number was called while we were up there that worried him. Guess thats me in a nut shell. I dont want to have to pilot the darn chopper myself. I am much better as a passenger. Also a reason why I turned down promotions and stayed a noncom. I didn't want to be the one to pick the point man , I wanted to ,Be, the point man. He usually got it first, but was the first to know what the heck was coming too. Anyway, I feel a little better about my fuzzy memory and life in general so I guess I can return to my regular half witted self . Thanks again for the insite...By the way MMMNavy, my Dad was a carpenter and I learned a lot from him. A few weeks ago I needed some lumber for a project at home . When i got to the lumber yard I was looking through what they call grade A . I heard my dads voice say, " You couldn't build a dog house out of this crap." The message was very clear and correct. I went elsewhere and found better lumber. I still need my dads help now and then and its good to know he's there even if its not in person. Hes always in my heart and mind.
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


tsitodawg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 845
   Posted 2/22/2010 10:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Sniper, your words are touching and I can feel the sincerity and honesty as I read them. I feel that this life is a time to prepare ourselves to meet our maker and it sounds like you have been doing an incredible job throughout your life. I am not trying to push religion on anyone but I do gain strength and conviction from it in order to overcome my everyday trials with this disease and life in general. It is really easy to just see the burden of a trial when we are going through it and ask if you have the strength to carry on. One thing I have learned through my life is that instead of asking if I have the strength to overcome a trial, I remind myself that I was only given this trial because I am strong enough to overcome it and he believes in me enough to let me go through it. This is so hard at times to do but there is a reason for everything. There is a reason why you have survived some experiences that haunt people that are not here and your mission should be to find out who you were save for. It is normal to feel guilt about survival and why you were to one still here, but that is even more the reason to continue what you are doing in earning that second chance. Don't let yourself talk you into believing that you are not good enough or let the past dictate your happiness. You are a good person who has inspired many here through small posts with humor. Understand that 1 sentence can affect the lives of many and you have written many sentences here. Thank you for the good posts and continue to ENDURE TILL THE END.

flowery
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 440
   Posted 2/22/2010 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Sniper, after reading the  posts it made me think of something I wanted to share... I lost my Dad 12 yrs. ago and at his funeral the Pastor said something I'll never forgot.  He said, "To LIVE you must see DEATH."....this has always stuck with me! So simple, so true! The longer we are here...we are going to see it! We want to protect ourselves from it but... Death IS part of Life!
I wonder in this country if we don't under estimate the amount of time mourning really takes.  After loosing both of my Parents years ago I never really truly mourned. Took me years to finally FEEL it! I was busy raising my children and working to FEEL anything. Then... the flood gates opened and it hit hard! That's when I was diagnosed with PTSD and probably the beginning of my stomach issues if I think about it. Not only dealing with their deaths but remembering some of the abuse that I had buried for years.
When my anxiety is high...the PTSD comes back.  It can just be something as simple as a smell or a song that will give me a flashback. I get the sweats, heart racing, panic attacks, yada yada...really sucks! They are like tremors in my soul.  I have to put into action the many techniques I have learned from the Shrink over the years to help them go away. Kinda shakes you to your core.
 
But wanna say, Thank you for your service to this country! I don't think we have a clue to what you've been through.  I am glad your on this web-site because your the only one that talked to me after I was diagnosed with Diabetes with the Crohns. A scarey time for me. You made light of it and I thought ..if he can handle it so can I. I appreciated it! 
 
Anyway, I miss my loved ones that are gone in my family too. There are more and more on the "other" side now and I believe that have made a place for me to come when the time is right.
Just the other day I hit my answering machine and an old message from my Mom came on! (She died 15 years ago so this was sooo weird!) the message said.."Honey, I'll pick up some milk at the store and bring it over when I go by in a few hours." 
 I had a glass of milk with dinner that night :)
Flowery
 "Get busy living or get busy dying"
Dx in 2005 with Crohns after a Hysterectomy. Re-section in 2006...came apart so got to do it again! Frequent Kidney stones and Shingles... a new present as of 08-09 Diabetes Type 2. Total of 12 surgerys.
Imran, Asacol, Colestid, Bentyl, Lamotil, Paxil, Nexium, Probiodicts, Vit D, Folic Acid, Lots of Potassium, Fish Oil, up to 6 Immodium a day. Oh, and one Giant Pill holder!
 
 
               
                        


Grandpato2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 681
   Posted 2/22/2010 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Sniper I've only known you a short time here but muchly appreciate the humor you provide to break up a bad day. Your friends have the words that I don't. I'll instead offer you my prayers!
Male, 54 years old with Crohn's since 15 years old, diagnosed at age 46. Terminal ileum resected 2002. 5 months of remission. Crohn's has now been active since early 2003. Had a gall bladder removed Nov. of 2009. Currently on Remicade every 8 weeks, Nexium, Iron, B-12 injection every 4 weeks,5-asa Asacol, Morphine Sulfate as needed for pain. Cymbalta for long term pain control. 5-asa Salofalk, Entecort, Imuran and Prednisone in the past.


randynoguts
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 6049
   Posted 2/23/2010 3:01 AM (GMT -7)   
sniper, i dont know about a breakdown , but i know about loss. i lost a old USAF friend in january. (liver cancer) not that that matters, but i cant bring myself to take him out of my email book. how long ill let it go i dont know at this point but im sure it will be a long while. my dad passed a little over 3 years ago.. i feel guilty some times for not thinking about him every day. but then i realise its the quality of the thoughts, not the frequency. ill go quite a while and then all of a sudden a memeory will pop into my head. and it makes me smile. i think if it was everyday i would be sad. so in a way im glad its not everpresent and in time will be even less so. but when i do it will most likely be a happy thought. and of course as i age every time i shave a certain way i see my dads upper lip that disapeared in his 50's. only mine i going now in my 40's! so dont fret my friend, as long as you can find your way home from the lumber yard your doin' fine.
randynoguts 



     http://www.geocities.com/randynogutsweb/

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