Great Joke! Enjoy.....

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jeanneac
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1812
   Posted 3/16/2010 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I hope this isn't a repeat here. Someone sent this to me today and I got a big laugh out of it

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. If you ever had a
colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!
about THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.



Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.




Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because
my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much
confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to
a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would
have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of
an internal organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'




And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'
diagnosed 1/09 with "diverticular colitis" ?? location: sigmoid colon
localized scleroderma, IBS, asthma/allergies, prediabetes, high BP, fibromyalgia, GERD
low thyroid,claritin, singulair, diovan, progesterone, VSL#3 probiotic, Vit. D, colazal
pexeva, rolaids, pepsid (as needed)


Blood test positive for Crohn's via prometheus ibd serology panel


Susiebuddy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 3/16/2010 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
HAHAHAHA!!! That was awesome!!! Everyone with IBD should read that... HAHAHAHA!!!
 Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis January 31st, 2005, Testing for Crohn's 3/10
 Prior Meds:
Canasa, Rowasa, Lialda, Apriso, Prednisone, 1 infusion of Remicade.. none of those worked for too long... Had neurological complications from the Remicade...
 Current Meds:
Pentasa 2000mg 2x a day, Entocort 9mg daily, Nexium 40mg once a day, Wellbutrin 150mg once a day. Culturelle 2x a day, Xanax as needed and Ambien at night for sleep..  
       http://www.myspace.com/77016897  


debilitated
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 448
   Posted 3/16/2010 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
# 13. I like that.

Ashworthml
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 222
   Posted 3/16/2010 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   
very good! something to make us laugh for sure!
Michelle 40 years old
Diagnosed with CD 2004 (undiagnosed correctly +- 3 years, wrongly diagnosed with IBS)
Bowel resection 2005
medication: pentasa 500mg , Co-codomol 500mg/32mg codeine
loperamide 2mg (prn - take as many as 10-20 a day)
calcium tablets, multivitamin tablets, Omega 3
Ferrous sulphate(anaemia)
levothyroxine (thyroid)
questran light (3 sachets/day), 3 monthly B12 Injections


jeanneac
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1812
   Posted 3/17/2010 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Yea, #13 was like the icing on the cake, even if I am a woman!! LOL....
diagnosed 1/09 with "diverticular colitis" ?? location: sigmoid colon
localized scleroderma, IBS, asthma/allergies, prediabetes, high BP, fibromyalgia, GERD
low thyroid,claritin, singulair, diovan, progesterone, VSL#3 probiotic, Vit. D, colazal
pexeva, rolaids, pepsid (as needed)


Blood test positive for Crohn's via prometheus ibd serology panel


Grandpato2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 681
   Posted 3/17/2010 10:44 PM (GMT -7)   
excellent!
Male, 54 years old with Crohn's since 15 years old, diagnosed at age 46. Terminal ileum resected 2002. 5 months of remission. Crohn's has now been active since early 2003. Had a gall bladder removed Nov. of 2009. Currently on Remicade every 8 weeks, Nexium, Iron, B-12 injection every 4 weeks,5-asa Asacol, Morphine Sulfate as needed for pain. Cymbalta for long term pain control. 5-asa Salofalk, Entecort, Imuran and Prednisone in the past.


vixen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 794
   Posted 3/18/2010 1:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hilarious, lol.

When my son had his barium follow through, YMCA by Village People was playing on a continuous cycle, that would have been amusing if it had been played during his colonoscopy.
Or how about 'The Only way is up' by Yazz for those Brits that remember it lol.

NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 8581
   Posted 3/18/2010 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
's good. I enjoyed the colonoscopy journal - and #12 and 13.

Yeah, I remember The Only Way Is Up >_>

sickandlucky
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 253
   Posted 3/18/2010 4:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I read this awhile ago and had to show everyone in my family! I particularly like:
"at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet."

hahahaha
female 20, diagnosed crohns december 2008
entocort/pentasa previously, now prednisone(tapering) & 100 mg imuran, probiotics, calcium w/d3, biotin, folic acid, zinc, omega 3s, digestive enzymes & prenatal multivitamin


jeanneac
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1812
   Posted 3/18/2010 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   
He's over the top funny, isn't he?
diagnosed 1/09 with "diverticular colitis" ?? location: sigmoid colon
localized scleroderma, IBS, asthma/allergies, prediabetes, high BP, fibromyalgia, GERD
low thyroid,claritin, singulair, diovan, progesterone, VSL#3 probiotic, Vit. D, colazal
pexeva, rolaids, pepsid (as needed)


Blood test positive for Crohn's via prometheus ibd serology panel

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