Crohn's and divorce/seprtation?

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CUBFAN26
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 4/30/2010 11:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I am just 29 yrs old my wife is 31 and we have a 21 month old daughter. Basically since about her second trimester I have been declining in health rapidly. Not to mention during this time I took a new job about 1.5 hours away and had to live 4 nights a week away from my pregnant wife with our first child feeling helpless and wanting to give her the world. We moved back togheher after the baby was born (and yes i was there for the birth...so awesome) My crohn's is at least 50% stress related so my body started to go down hill quick... our beautiful baby was born om May 26, 2008. My health continued to get worse until we all decided that surgery was the best option. Well during the surgery he clipped my colon and days later i went into septic shock due to the faulty surgery which ended up with me having to wear a colostomy bag. After going through that I have a new found respect for those people who have to do that everyday....wow. anyway it took me 9 months in and out of te hospital with various aliments from kidney failure to mass dehydration to major abscess before i was able to back to work. I went from about 205lbs to 126lbs in 3 months i was just bones and skin. It took 6 months till they reversed the bag before i started to gain weight again. My body could finally absorb some nutrients........oh yeah during the middle of all of this i went through a little bout of depression from having to watch my daughter grow up instead of being part of it.

ok ok ok enough back story present day: I am getting sick again and again having to go off of work. My wife and I are going to separate.. I know that she has been throug a lot and she her husband die on a table and then come back 3-4 times in more than any wife or husband should have to see, let alone raise a child while going through it and not go crazy. I was diagnosed 3 months before we got married about 5 years ago, i had never heard of it, never the less the damage it could do.

I guess my question is i now that we are not the only couple to go through something like this. I was just hoping for some advise for me or her or the both of us. I am already moving out next Thursday. It has been very cold and i have not felt loved in over7-8 months..Call me a softy but i like to hear i look good everyday just like a woman does and once to have been sick for 2 years it does a number on your self confidence. i just want to feel passion and love again, i forget what that feels like. i am trying to think positive and just really focus on getting healthy and focus on my 2 year old daughter.

Any comments, insight, pointing out what i am doing wrong, i can take it all and anything can and will help

god bless and may you all get off the toilet and go have fun outside this weekend!

Matthew
29 yrs old Male---Married 4.5 yrs-- 1 daughter 19 months old----JustvSeperated Moving out May 6th 2010
Crohn's since June 2005
Relapse/flare up since Oct. 2007
Been on Humira, Pentasa, Asocol. Prednisone, Entocort, Imuran, Protonix, various anxiety meds, painkillers

Surgery on March 6th 2009 and again on march 9th 2009 small bowel resection with added ostomey bag.

Surgery again on Oct. 13th 2009 to remove ostomey bag and part of colon. c
Current-no maitainance meds. Docs want me to start Methotrexate. I am afraid of fertility side effects being so young and I want a bigger family.
Cannot take Humira or Remicade or any type of that drug to do my contracting Histoplasmosis 2 years ago. I have painted my self in a nice corner,


vixen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 794
   Posted 5/1/2010 2:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Matthew,
My heart goes out to you ((hugs)) You appear to have a very balanced perspective on the situation. You have been through so much and to have this happen seems to be a right kick in the face.
If you disregard the Crohns for a minute-Pregnancy, child birth and adapting to a new baby in the family can be extremely difficult(as much as the baby was wanted/loved) The whole role of two people suddenly change, they are parents and are responsible for this new little person(partners are often 'forgot' about as their whole time is consumed with this new baby.I think that there are very few couples who can adapt without any problems along the way, it certainly takes time(for some more than a couple of months!) but they do get there.
Add in the Crohns..... You have obviously not been well and unable to help bring up your daughter, wife has double the stress-I totally understand how she feels/must of felt(and from how you write so do you) I do not believe that having this awful disease is the trigger factor here (although obviously it does have it's input;) )
You, your wife and child all have needs and appreciate being told you are loved, look nice etc-that is human nature but when baby comes along the only thing that matters is baby-why do we have them again lol. As for passion and love, that goes out the window until they have left home :-) I can't help you, all I am trying to say is what you are going through is pretty normal for new parents I just wish that you could hang in there and give it another go. It will not be easy but even little things like a nice comment to each other, not talking about the baby for once or your illness, having some time out on a 'date' will all help build bridges.
A relative of mine is going through a similar situation right now-four month old baby, dad has lost job and been diagnosed with Addisons Disease(can't help with baby cause keeps passing out) mum not getting support, blames dad who has enough problems of his own, dad then has complete nervous breakdown, they separate.
 
Perhaps you both having your own space for a while will improve relations (it can happen)
I hope everything turns out for the best, for all for you

Post Edited (vixen) : 5/1/2010 3:17:27 AM (GMT-6)


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 5/1/2010 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Well the good news, you can start MTX. It really is the only thing that has even remotely worked for me so far (the injections not the pills).
I know you are concerned about the fertility side effects (which are suppose to be out of you system within a few months and this is an old med, so that is fairly relible info), but I think being able to help care for the child you already fathered is more importanted right now then worrying about if you can father children in the future. I assure you the state will give priority to your "first" family. You got to get priorities straight man. It is more important to take care of the child you have now, then any worry about whether or not your can father children in the future (especially given how much damage your already have to your abdomen). Futhermore you might want to think about if you should really be fathering any more children if you cannot help care for them. I assure you are not alone in being worried about these issues. It is a concern for all of us, but I think the priority that the state usually takes is pretty clear that you take care fo the children you have in existance right now.

I think a seperation is a good idea in that it is difficult to care for her to care for both you and a child. She too only has so much life energy to give (because pregnancy needs recovery time too, and hers will be slowed by childcare and ill husband care) and who does that energy really need to go to? It is extrodinately difficult and hard to do both.

It sounds like you have some emotional needs not being met too, both within yourself and in your relationship. Being ill really does a number on your self esteem, confidence, it really does effect every part of your life. I think getting some professional help is a really good idea, because these are issues that effect your mind/body connection and all states of your well-being.

Good Luck and Take care of Yourself,
Navy
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 5/1/2010 7:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I have to agree with Navy here. You need to get yourself healthy first so that you can be a proper father to the child you have now. I think it hurts not only you, but your wife and child, when you refuse to treat your Crohns properly. So do get on those meds and get yourself back to good health. This is a chronic and incurable bowel disease that must be treated at all times. If you get yourself healthy you will be there for your little one and get to really enjoy being a Dad. Its an awesome gift.

As for your wife, I am so sorry your marriage is failing. I will tell you my first husband couldn't handle my Crohns, and I was in remission with him. Now my current husband is amazing and he has been with me the worst years that I have had Crohns. He really loves me unconditionally. I like you am affected by stress alot, and my adult daughters tend to cause me alot of stress lately. But he is always there holding my hair as I throw up or massaging my back to help me thru an IBS attack or whatever hits me. If for some reason you cannot find yourself back to eachother, I will pray that God brings you someone like my husband who will love you thru the good times and the bad.

Big Hugs
Gail*Nanners*
Gail*Nanners* Co-Moderator for Crohns Disease & Anxiety/Panic
Crohn's Disease for over 34 years. Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, Calcium, Vit D, and Xanax prn. Resections in 2002 & 2005. Also diagnosed w/ Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, & Anxiety. Currently my Crohns is in remission, but my joints are going crazy!
*Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith"*

MToronto2
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 232
   Posted 5/1/2010 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Matthew, my aren't you haaandsome! Really, you look maaavelous!

I too am sorry to hear this. It is one of the things that happens, even when your well, but heck blame the Crohn's, I would! You know that a diagnosis of CD has nothing to do with your being the best Dad you can be, even when it presents limitations. As Navy and Nanners have written, getting yourself healthy is the priority for you and so your daughter get's more of her Daddy

Not all relationships survive Crohn's, it's nothing personal (despite how it might feel), it's just that some people have certain visions of their lives that do not include illness. Those who only live beside it, such as your wife and Nanner's ex-husband, are of this kind. We may be too, only we can't get away from it -- that sucks!

I too am like Nanners, I married for the only time 20 months ago, but I had 2 long term common law relationships. I never felt loved or understood by either of those men, when push came to shove (when the last one finally got how sick I could be, he cried for himself-- trust me I asked) and hard as it was for me, I let them both go deciding it took a mighty fine man to be better than no man at all.

The mighty fine man literally walked to my door 5 years ago, and he was totally worth waiting for. He get's what I live with, he loves me and accepts my love even when I cannot express it as fully as I would like. In turn, I get what that his wife is sick and this effects him too. He does the heavy lifting and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate his care (sometimes I feel I cannot express that well enough, but he assures me I do).

Things that got me through my years of single hood: Friends (my family sucked). I hope you have people around you who will get you out and help you out. I make a new friend a year and I feel blessed with each and every one, even the one's that don't last...

As for love, of course this is one thing that nourishes us in the deepest way. But that love is always around us, it's not just what we get it's what we give, and this ties into taking care of yourself. However you want to be loved, make sure you give it to yourself first. I find the more I do that the more it comes to me from others.

Amusements, books, movies, music, writing, playing guitar and kids. That's my list anyway...

Did I say friends?? lol

You don't say if your on meds now, or if you can tolerate them.

You show a balanced view of what's going on and this is probably the best thing for your stress, though a break up is stressful.

I cannot say enough about the support of a good therapist, my rule is that they are like a close friend, though the relationship is pretty one sided. After making sure they understand chronic illness, is the connection factor. You'll know it when you feel it and if you don't have it with them, find some one you do find it with. This can help you become clear in yourself and will give you a place to freely express to some one who cares.

I would suggest that in the mean time, do what you can for your child and her mother. If your cooking for yourself, cook extra and take it over there. If your running errands, call and see what you can pick up and drop off for them (single mother hood is hard too, I imagine she's working so this kind of help, as best you can, is truly something that can be appreciated) Note, do not use this as an excuse to see them. Be willing to drop it off at the door, or some place safe, so she has it when she get's home. She's going to need her space too, the best way to stay connected as co-parents is to give her that space. She will appreciate it.

It's hard to make plans when your flaring, talk about that with your child's mom, and ask her for flexibility while you deal with your flare so that you can be a part of your childs life as often as you can.

The Crohn's can be a challenge at times, I would imagine being a parent is challenged by it too, but the worst times pass.


I hope you have supportive family and friends, and that you are gentle with yourself while this transition takes place.

Please keep in touch, cutie pie :)
CD 24 years. Multiple surgeries in past 10 yrs. 4 year Illeostomy. Mesh rejection. Too close to death, twice. Large inscisional hernia. Perpetually underweight. Short bowel syndrom. Have used a variety of complementary medical therapies. Highly recommend Bowen Therapy as the best body work. Take me vites. Started Low Dose Naltrexone March 27, 2010. Got married for the only time 2008. Survive because of the love of good friends, and because I can. Happy to be alive. IBD needs more awareness and more voices willing to speak up. BE well.


CUBFAN26
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 5/1/2010 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all! i just take it one second one breath at a time right now. I know things will work out for all of the us i the best way possible.
29 yrs old Male---Married 4.5 yrs-- 1 daughter 19 months old----JustvSeperated Moving out May 6th 2010
Crohn's since June 2005
Relapse/flare up since Oct. 2007
Been on Humira, Pentasa, Asocol. Prednisone, Entocort, Imuran, Protonix, various anxiety meds, painkillers

Surgery on March 6th 2009 and again on march 9th 2009 small bowel resection with added ostomey bag.

Surgery again on Oct. 13th 2009 to remove ostomey bag and part of colon. c
Current-no maitainance meds. Docs want me to start Methotrexate. I am afraid of fertility side effects being so young and I want a bigger family.
Cannot take Humira or Remicade or any type of that drug to do my contracting Histoplasmosis 2 years ago. I have painted my self in a nice corner,


hld4good
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 193
   Posted 5/1/2010 8:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Ditto for what Nanners said. I will pray for you and your family. You don't mention extended family so I'm thinking they don't live closeby. The people on this forum are always ready to give support. We have all been thru some pretty dark times and just that one word of caring can make all the difference. My husband and I had a severely handicapped son, he left and there I was with crohn's and the full responsibility of our son with special needs. But I swear, one huge smile from my son had more healing power than any medication. Your daughter will see the love in you and reflect it back to you.
Age 58, Crohn's since age 21
3 bowel resections, 1980,88,95
1 fistula repair, 2005
probiotic
digestive enzymes


MToronto2
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 232
   Posted 5/2/2010 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Just wait until hot Matthew get's a date and comes looking for a baby sitter!





ok, that's as funny as I have right now. I'll try to do betta :)
CD 24 years. Multiple surgeries in past 10 yrs. 4 year Illeostomy. Mesh rejection. Too close to death, twice. Large inscisional hernia. Perpetually underweight. Short bowel syndrom. Have used a variety of complementary medical therapies. Highly recommend Bowen Therapy as the best body work. Take me vites. Started Low Dose Naltrexone March 27, 2010. Got married for the only time 2008. Survive because of the love of good friends, and because I can. Happy to be alive. IBD needs more awareness and more voices willing to speak up. BE well.


jas
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 5/3/2010 10:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I was in a situation - that was not exactly the same - but still heartbreaking. The space gave me time to focus on my own health and with time comes healing...mentally and physically. This disease is so hard because there are so many setbacks and babysteps but you will get there. Hugs :)
JAS
 
Currently taking: Remicade


cleo35
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 430
   Posted 5/5/2010 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Matthew sounds like you have one of those complicated cases that would benefit from a consultation with a GI at a teaching hospital. Also, if the metho doesn't work for you I can tell you I'm having good luck with Cimzia. Best of luck!

LawnGuyChris
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2014
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/22/2015 11:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to bring this thread back to life. But to OP, I am going through something similar with my wife who is largely unsupportive and doesn't seem to want to understand... I feel like a burden to my family even though I am not. I was just wondering if you could give me your email or if you could email me at n3x@rogers.com and we could talk? Just wondering what your experiences have been going through this 5 years ago. Thanks if you see this.

Ides
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 7077
   Posted 8/22/2015 4:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I doubt he is going to see this. He was last here over 3 years ago. Sorry you are having difficulties at home.
Moderator Crohn's disease, Osteoarthritis and Irritable Bowel Forums

CD, Ankylosing Spondylitis, small fiber peripheral neuropathy, avascular necrosis, peripheral artery disease, pulmonary hypertension, degenerative disc disease, asthma, severe allergy and a host of other medical problems.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/23/2015 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
That being said about this being an older thread. It is a rare opportunity that you can go back and improve your advice. Statistically, it is rather common for couples to have issues when there are health issues. Indeed any large life transition can cause it, like finances, jobs, children, relational issues, etc. Please, please, please, maybe consider going to talk with a professional about this. After all, generally it is considered that relationship health, is an important aspect or a part of your overall health.
All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
_________________________________________________
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 8/23/2015 12:23:56 PM (GMT-6)

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