Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 6/3/2010 7:03:20 PM (GMT-6)
What do you see?
When you look at me, what do you see?
Do you see strength? Purpose? Energy?
Or…nothing at all?
Do you see the guts to press on, when my body screams to stop?
When we talk, do you notice when a gas cramp courses through me?
Do you feel the lightening-strike shooters that may course down my right side?
Do you catch it when my eyes are exhausted, and I have nothing left to give.
Yet I give you everything I can.
Do you see me struggle for breath sometimes, simply because even breathing takes more energy than I have?
Are you there with me in the bathroom, when my bowels cramp up and I breathe as I did when I gave birth to two kids?
Do you see the relief on my face when it passes away after a few seconds?
Can you see the confusion in my face when I look around the kitchen and have no idea what I can eat?
I bet you don’t see these things.
I bet you don’t see the pain.
I bet you don’t see what’s going on, inside.
You can probably see the determination, if you look closely.
I’ve lived determined my whole life.
It’s what keeps me going.
It’s what keeps me upright.
It’s what puts one foot in front of the other.
It’s what puts a meal on the table for the family, even if I cannot eat any of it.
It’s what puts a smile on my face for my kids when they ask to play “just one more game.”
It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning.
That’s likely what you see.
Because I won’t let you see the rest of it.
I don't believe it, I was thinking about this issue in the morning. Of how tired I am being the strong one in the family, being the one who does everything around the house and taking care of everyone and everything. I'm ready to give up. i'm in a middle of a flare, having nausea and d everyday, feeling lousy, and no one understands. Today I just wanted to stay in bed forever, but instead I woke up at 6 in the morning, made breakfast, woke up the kids, drove them to school, fed the dog, made the beds, showered, and went to work. I'm the one that has to worry about the kids, dog, financial matters, paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, ironing, the list is endless. My husband goes to work every morning, then comes home, eats, sleeps, wakes up, makes his coffee, reads his book and finally watches TV. What an exhausting day!! Nobody asked if I wanted a cup of tea for my lousy stomach.......
Sorry for all this, just feel misearable the last couple of days. So to reply to you Nanners, I KNOW how you feel.