Nice Cup Of Tea

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80sChick
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1054
   Posted 6/29/2010 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi!
I just wanted to respond to your reply and didn't want to hijack that thread. Firstly, thank you for taking the time to reply to me! I am glad you know where I'm coming from. Trust me, I've tried to look at my behavior from his perspective and I do think he has a little bit of a point, but he is well known as a selfish guy, and not many people besides me will put up with him. I've asked my other friends if it's too much for them, and they say my attitude isn't bad. That said, I am being very aware of how I'm acting and what I'm saying. I think that he just misinterprets what I say. Like if I complain that I don't feel well, it's not for attention at all, it's just because I"m so frustrated and I just can't hold it in anymore.
 
I know what you mean, though, about people not being able to deal with too much depressing talk.  I've totally realized that throughout the years. People are willing to come to your aid once, when one sucky thing happens, but with each subsequent hospitalization/surgery/failed medication/etc, you get less support, I find. It just becomes commonplace for those around you... "oh, Stephanie's sick again..." but what they don't understand is that the more times I'm sick/have surgery/whatever, the more devastating this becomes because I feel like it really is neverending. I feel more and more alone each time, because people just start to expect you to deal with it. I'm guessing you'll know what I mean when I say this...it's just so frustrating!
Stephanie, 28 years old
Diagnosed with Crohn's Colitis March 2000
Possible diagnosis of IBS-D
Total Proctocolectomy and Permanent Ileostomy 3/18/10! :)
Blockage/Ileo revision 6/8/10 :/
 
Tried: Asacol, Remicade, 6mp, Humira, Xifaxan, Apriso, Imuran, Rowasa Enemas, Colocort Enemas, Psyllium Seed Powder... Tried Probiotics: Align (with no change except bloating) and VSL #3 DS (AWFUL diarrhea).
 
Currently taking: Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin B 12 Complex, Biotin, Vitamin D, Calcium, Flomax (for urinary retention). 


kazbern
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 8375
   Posted 6/29/2010 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hijacking back.

Some people, men especially, want to solve problems. Some problems are not solvable - for example, chronic illness. So it is frustrating for them. They need to learn the skill of active listening. Just hear your complaint, acknowledge your suffering, and move on.

I am a person who wants to fix everything (as an engineer it comes naturally). My husband is a good listener and also likes to complain about his various aches and pains. It is tough to work out our temperamental differences on this (I'll seldom complain, thus he thinks I have some kind of superhuman pain tolerance, when in fact I just find even my own complaints boring and pointless, LOL).

A good friend of mine has taught me some "active listening" skills. When I call her to talk about marital frustrations around this issue, she says "Play the tape!" The tape being:"oh, I'm sorry that you're feeling XXXX. That's too bad! I hope you feel better soon." The key issue for me is to stop at that period and not try to fix the problem.

Your boyfriend might benefit from some advice along these lines.

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 6/29/2010 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   
"People are willing to come to your aid once, when one sucky thing happens, but with each subsequent hospitalization/surgery/failed medication/etc, you get less support, I find. It just becomes commonplace for those around you... "oh, Stephanie's sick again..." but what they don't understand is that the more times I'm sick/have surgery/whatever, the more devastating this becomes because I feel like it really is neverending. I feel more and more alone each time, because people just start to expect you to deal with it. I'm guessing you'll know what I mean when I say this...it's just so frustrating!
"

I've experienced the same problem, and find it frustrating and hurtful too.

I think the general public are pretty clueless when it comes to our emotional needs. They can cope with acute incidents and short-term major illnesses, but not serious chronic ones.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


Grandpato2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 681
   Posted 6/30/2010 2:59 AM (GMT -7)   
You said "I know what you mean, though, about people not being able to deal with too much depressing talk.  I've totally realized that throughout the years. People are willing to come to your aid once, when one sucky thing happens, but with each subsequent hospitalization/surgery/failed medication/etc, you get less support, I find. It just becomes commonplace for those around you... "oh, Stephanie's sick again..." but what they don't understand is that the more times I'm sick/have surgery/whatever, the more devastating this becomes because I feel like it really is neverending. I feel more and more alone each time, because people just start to expect you to deal with it. I'm guessing you'll know what I mean when I say this...it's just so frustrating!"
 
There's alot of wisdom in what you said! I'm frustrated too, I know most people aren't going to change so I'll have to change my attitude I guess.
 
 
 
Male, 55 years old with Crohn's since 15 years old, diagnosed at age 46. Terminal ileum resected 2002. 5 months of remission. Crohn's has now been active since May, 2003. Had a gall bladder removed Nov. of 2009. Currently on Remicade every 8 weeks, Nexium, Iron, B-12 injection every 4 weeks, Morphine Sulfate as needed for pain. Cymbalta for long term pain control. In the past, 5-asa Salofalk, Asacol, Entocort,  Imuran and Prednisone.


NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 8581
   Posted 6/30/2010 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, please :p

Sorry, you're not actually offering to make a cup of tea... <_<

Slightly lame joking aside, you're welcome, 80s chick. I was a bit worried about upsetting or offending you and am glad to see that you didn't take it in that spirit. From the further info that you've given, it's beginning to sound like this guy is the one with the majority of the issues. You sound like a person who's aware of her friends and their feelings. In which case, my advice would be to not let this guy upset you too much. (Easier said than done, I know.) I can't really say much more than that because I don't know him. He may be a basically decent guy who lets his emotions get the better of him or he may be utterly selfish at heart and only ever thinking about himself. The fact that everybody else thinks he is selfish isn't a great sign to be honest, but he still may have worthwhile qualities as a person. However, if he habitually puts you down, then he is destructive and you should kick him to the kerb.

80sChick said...
I know what you mean, though, about people not being able to deal with too much depressing talk. I've totally realized that throughout the years. People are willing to come to your aid once, when one sucky thing happens, but with each subsequent hospitalization/surgery/failed medication/etc, you get less support, I find. It just becomes commonplace for those around you... "oh, Stephanie's sick again..." but what they don't understand is that the more times I'm sick/have surgery/whatever, the more devastating this becomes because I feel like it really is neverending. I feel more and more alone each time, because people just start to expect you to deal with it.


I do know what you mean. People can quite often be superb in a crisis, but simply are not geared up nearly so well for coping with day-in, day-out chronic illness. And if there are any unresolved tensions, resentments, etc., that just makes illness even harder to deal with. You have to have a lot of love and patience for dealing with an ill person, but love is incompatible with feelings such as fear, resentment, guilt, and so on. The more negative or conflicting emotions you feel, the harder it is to summon up the necessary reserves of love, patience and kindness for dealing with a chronically ill person.

I'm afraid I've learnt this from personal experience. I wish I could feel undiluted love, but I don't...

On top of that, I just think illness is difficult to face anyway. There's the awkward not knowing what to say or do to make things better ("fixing" the problem, in other words), the fear of saying the "wrong thing" and making the ill person feel even worse or snap at you, and even the fear of disease and mortality. Going back to kazbern's post, people just seem very very reluctant to accept that the simple act of listening helps. I've lost count of the number of times my mum has told me "I don't know what to do" and I've told her "you don't have to do anything, just listen". But she has never taken it on board. And I have learnt to keep how I feel to myself :-/

80sChick
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1054
   Posted 6/30/2010 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Well put, Nice Cup Of Tea. You've really thought things out and I agree with yhou. I hate that I feel like I have to keep everything in, but I definitely do, because people just don't know how to deal with it. (Which, in turn, makes me more frustrated...why should I have to deal with it then?!)
Stephanie, 28 years old
Diagnosed with Crohn's Colitis March 2000
Possible diagnosis of IBS-D
Total Proctocolectomy and Permanent Ileostomy 3/18/10! :)
Blockage/Ileo revision 6/8/10 :/
 
Tried: Asacol, Remicade, 6mp, Humira, Xifaxan, Apriso, Imuran, Rowasa Enemas, Colocort Enemas, Psyllium Seed Powder... Tried Probiotics: Align (with no change except bloating) and VSL #3 DS (AWFUL diarrhea).
 
Currently taking: Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin B 12 Complex, Biotin, Vitamin D, Calcium, Flomax (for urinary retention). 


NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 8581
   Posted 6/30/2010 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, 80sChick. I do try to think things through by and large, although right now I don't think I could think about another thing :-/

There's no easy answer, except to find friends who can deal with it, and that's a bit like finding a needle in a haystack tbh. You may just ultimately have to reduce your expectations, as frustrating and unfair as that may be. I don't know. I've noticed that people on HW will talk about amazingly supportive and wonderful spouses, but I rarely see anybody talk about amazingly supportive and wonderful friends. Without a close-knit bond such as marriage or family, people do definitely seem to have less empathy. And god only knows some spouses/family members have all the empathy and sensitivity of an old leather boot.
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