i'm so sick of family

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chocholic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 634
   Posted 7/26/2010 2:48 AM (GMT -7)   
i've just had to move back with my mum after being at uni. I've suspended my course cos my health is spiralling out of control and my GI is, at best, disinterested. This isn't the first time i've had to pull out on uni, and leave my whole life behind me. So yeah i'm pretty fed up of it. Mum is self employed and works hard. Fair duce to her. She's met a fella over the last 6/8 weeks and is totally wrapped up in him. Fine, so she goes to his every weekend. It started with her staying over friday nights then coming back saturday afternoon. then it crept to saturday night. then sunday morning now sunday afternoon. Fine, whatever. During the week, she starts early and finishes anytime from 5pm till 8pm. Now i know she works really hard, but now i'm living back at home i have zero social life. Like NOTHING. The rest of mum's family arent interested. As i put it, a bomb could go off whereever i was and they wouldnt bother to ring to see if i was ok. I have no friends up here. So i'm kinda reliant on mum for human contact, especially as i'm broke and live in the tiniest village ever. Mum gets home every night and i get a few sentances out of her, before she has to call her fella. an hour later she might get off the phone, then she texts him all night till she goes to bed at 9. If i speak to her, she isnt listening so i have to constantly repeat myself.

She has battled with depression, so she let the house get into a tip. like a proper tip. She wants her fella to come up to stay, so she's had to start mucking it out. My mate came up to visit two weeks ago, and i hoped mum would help me to get the house straight. Not a chance, she made minimum effort whilst i knocked lumps out of myself to get the place reasonable. even so i still embarassed when my mate came.

Last night, mum starts on at me asking why i dont speak to her. Now i have made effort to start conversations with her but gave up due to constantly repeating myself and being interrupted by her fella ringing/texting. So i'm really impatient and rude to her all the time and she's sick of it. I try toi explain how i feel and its all pushed aside so she cant rant on about how i take advantage of her. How i cant be bothered to help her clean up the house (despite that fact that i'm the only one who keeps up to the clean areas!) and how lucky i am that she buys me food i like and takes me to my appts. She says she doesnt bother saying much to me about my attitude cos she keeps in mind what i'm going through and how bad i must feel.

I try again to point out how lonely i get, seen as the very limited time i get with an ACTUAL human being (ie her) is consistantly interrupted by her fella. Could she not put him aside for ahile so me and her could spend some time together and, oh i dont know, get out of the sodding house once in a while???? I gave up in the end cos she just refused to listen to me. I dont know how i can make her get it. I dont want her to give up her fella, but i would like it if she could put him aside occasionally.

Am i asking too much?? I mean she leaves me jobs to do, which is fine. I do the best i can which means i dont always get it all done. Lately my symptoms are coming back despite the fact i'm still on pred. so instead of asking me to do light jobs in the house, i get asked to rake all the dead grass off teh front and back garden. I got the front yard done yesterday, any thanks for really hurting myself. nope, course not!!

I'm not perfect, i know that. i know i'm bad tempered at the moment. My life has just come crashing down around my ears and i seem to have lost all of my friends in one fell swoop. Is there any wonder i'm not very happy. I've even gone on anti-depressants to try to help myself. The highlight of my week is going to the hospital to have an iron infusion.
Dx - Crohn's (2006), Depression (2010)
Currently - Humira fornightly, iron infusion weekly, B12 3 monthly, prenatal vits+minerals, 15mg prednisolone, calcium supplement, mirtazapine
Tried - aza, pentasa, questran, infliximab
No crohns' surgeries to date, Episcleritis for 3 weeks x 2, pains in hands, wrists, hips, lower back, knees and ankles

Allergic to Infliximab
Was at uni, but have paused the course to try to figure out my health!


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 7/26/2010 3:01 AM (GMT -7)   
(((((Chocholic)))))

I can relate to so much of what you're feeling right now.

Let me sleep on it, ok? My feeling is that you probably both have valid concerns, but perhaps are not expressing them in the best way. I think during an argument or heated discussion is not the best time...? Plus, if you're both depressed neither of you is going to do a great job at relating to each other just now.

But yeah. It doesn't matter if you're over 18: you still need Mum time, and it's not nice feeling abandoned, or being made to feel like you're an imposter.

*hug*

Will try to have more / better / more coherent thoughts in the morning.

Ivy, soon to be asleep, I hope.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


tulipg17
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 7/26/2010 3:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you are asking too much, it doesn't sound like you want her life to revolve around you or that you are being too self centered. It sounds like you just want a little time together to talk and know that she cares. My only advice is to sit her down and have an honest heart to heart with her about your feelings because I bet she just doesn't realize what you need from her right now. Best of luck to you.

grayeyedblonde
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 383
   Posted 7/26/2010 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Big Hugs for you! I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and abandoned right now. Maybe sitting down with your mom, turning off the phone, having a cup of tea, and having a heart to heart with your mom will help. Maybe it won't. I'm sure your mom doesn't mean to make you feel this way, but she feels she has raised you, you are an adult, and she has her own life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't make other people be what we need them to be. We can't ask more from them then they are willing to give. It makes both of you feel resentful. You resent her not being there enough to talk to you and understand what you are going thru and I'm sure she kinda feels that you are now an adult and not a child she has to entertain. She has developed a new life and doesn't seem willing to alter that. I'm not saying either of you are wrong or right, it is what it is. Hopefully, having a conversation with her will help you both to get your feeling out there and make some compromises so that you both will get your needs met.

Please don't take this as I am being cold or unfeeling. I'm really not trying to be. Could you make more of an effort to get to know other's in town? I know you say you live in a small village, but is there no one about who might be around your age that you can become friends with? Are there not others who are home during the day that you might stop in and visit? Developing a few friendships might help you to feel less isolated since your mom works long hours and you are home by yourself all day with no one to talk too. Also, getting out will help with your depression. Do something that YOU like to do!

I hope that everything works out for you. You know that we are here for you to talk to anytime you need us!
Dx'd w/ Crohn's in 1979 at age 13. Bad flare 2008 but no health insurance so I dealt with it. Colonoscopy in July 2009 caused a perforated colon, emergency bowel resection. 2 fistula's, perianal and perivaginal.

Humira, probiotic, a multivitamin, calcium, magnesium, zinc, and fish oil. I also take Tramadol 50 mg and Klonopin (for anxiety) as needed.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!


chocholic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 634
   Posted 7/26/2010 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks guys, me and mum havent so much talked about last night but she spent abit less time on her phone and made more of an effort to listen and i made more effort to keep the conversation going. How long this will last i dont know, but its got to be a start! I think me and my mum are very similar and thats not a good thing!! i'm as stubborn as a mule and so is she. we will both happily dig our heels in and refuse to budge. Add in my mums temper and mine and we have the cold war all over again. For now, there is peace.
Dx - Crohn's (2006), Depression (2010)
Currently - Humira fornightly, iron infusion weekly, B12 3 monthly, prenatal vits+minerals, 15mg prednisolone, calcium supplement, mirtazapine
Tried - aza, pentasa, questran, infliximab
No crohns' surgeries to date, Episcleritis for 3 weeks x 2, pains in hands, wrists, hips, lower back, knees and ankles

Allergic to Infliximab
Was at uni, but have paused the course to try to figure out my health!


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 7/26/2010 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Would it help if, next time you talk, you schedule in a day each week that is just for the two of you? A bloke & bf-free zone, in other words?

It might also help if you consciously start demonstrating that you have a life of your own and are not 100% dependent on your Mum for company. Fake it or exaggerate your current contacts and interests, if need be. I am wondering if part of her behaviour is because she's frightened that she's going to end up as a carer for a sick adult child, so is pushing you away emotionally and making you more responsible for housework etc than she might had you been in good health.

Please don't be offended. I know you already have a life and interests that you're maintaining there, but maybe she's too frightened and defensive to see & acknowledge that.

I can imagine this is going to be really hard, esp in a small village, but if you can make her feel less defensive, your communication might improve.

I'm glad you had a proper talk last night.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


Matthew
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 3932
   Posted 7/26/2010 4:34 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
       Don't feel bad, even after I got very sick, my family was more interested in the money I could make for them ( I'm talking parents here, BTW).
     Frankly, my family is lacking in the support area...
 
      Sincerely,
    Matthew
 

sr5599
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1202
   Posted 7/26/2010 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry you're going through this! My situation is completely different, yet has the same thread of frustration. I am full grown, and on my own with my own little girl. My mom's been married to my step-dad most of my life... They got together when I was 5. I love him and am happy that they are happy but... I cannot have a private phone conversation with my mom. No matter how personal stuff is, I am only "allowed" to talk to my mom when my step-dad is on speaker phone. It's so frustrating. So, I know a bit how you feel. I know I will never, ever do something like this to my own daughter. It really hurts to feel like your own mom is not supportive.

Not sure I have much in the way of advice, as I've just sat and accepted it after all these years. I guess I figured not much I could do.

Maybe if you have a good relationship with your mom, you could openly tell her how much you miss being one-on-one with her. How you miss the close "mom-daughter" times. Maybe, even in the midst of her new relationship excitement, she could see how important the relationship the two of you have.

Best of luck and hugs to you! Hang in there...
1 fistula with two tracts, crohn's colitis, limited to large intestine
Compounded budesonide 3mg/daily, Cimzia. Dx Osteoporosis 10/08 started Forteo 1/27/09
Failed every other drug and about to prepare for ostomy surgery... In the process of gathering info and meeting with ET nurses.


grumpygi
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 266
   Posted 7/26/2010 11:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't you ever feel that you can't win for loosing?  Its hard to be sick and responsible for much - but ya know - sometimes its just better to let people do what they are going to do.  Your mom seems caught up in an new life and focusing on her guy.  She loves you but is distracted, seems like that would be hard to compete with.  my story is really weird but i had to look at the fact that my mother would never be the person that I wanted or needed her to be.  Once I recognized that it seemed to be emotionally freeing and she couldn't push my buttons and upset me with stupid comments or hurtful behavior.  Hope this helps.  Be patient - you will find your way, sometimes it takes a bit more time than we want it to.  Barb
Meds: Celebrex, Omeprazole, Liadla, Entocort EC 9mg/day, Vit D, Mulitvit, Omega 3's, Ambian, Neurontin.
 
 
 

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