Help!! My husband blames me for having crohns and says im selfish

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Shay83
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Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/24/2017 8:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Please help me. Im at the end of my rope and I dont know which way to go. I was diagnosed with crohns and UC 6 years ago, my life has changed drastically since. Im married with two children my husband does not agree with the conventional medical practices (medicine) he feels because it does not resolve the issue and it only relieves the symptoms its not effective. His take is if I just cut out all sugar all fried foods all red meat all processed foods and bread I will be fine. Ive changed my life drastically I dont eat any of the foods I love to eat anymore, I no longer drink wine, I only eat chicken and fish (salmon) but every now and again I break and I may want a cookie. My husband berates me and makes a big scene when I try to get anything sweet. He bullies me on what I can and cant eat and if I dont stick to his menu than im being selfish. He yells and screams and says he cant take this anymore and he wants to live a normal life. He constantly says he is not old and still wants to be able to go to night clubs and drink like we used to. He calls me weak minded for wanting the sugar. And as soon as i get sick he doesnt give me any sympothy but he is angry with me for being sick and immediatly looks for something that I ate or did so he can blame me. Im trying my hardest and I constantly feel selfish or bad for ruining his life bc I cant eat or do the things I used to with him. This morning I came to him and said I wanted to try and take the medicines bc diet is not working for me. Im very sick im in and out of the hospital at least 6 times per year. Im tired of living life like this im tired of being sick and ruining my family. Im not strong enough to cut out everything i used to love sometimes I want a cookie or sometimes I want bread. Am I wrong? Why am I so selfish! My husband says he is being supportive of me but I dont feel supported often times I hide how im feeling bc I dont want to hear him start blaming me for everything he thinks im doing wrong. Im alone this disease has alienated me.

rolleyes rolleyes rolleyes smhair sad

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3262
   Posted 9/24/2017 8:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh geez, you are NOT wrong. Your husband is VERY VERY wrong. And more than just wrong, he sounds abusive. I promise you that no matter what you do with diet, it's not going to appease your husband. You NEED the medicines from the doctors. Even my acupuncturist says I need mine. Your husband is the selfish, immature one, not you. His behavior disgusts me.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
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   Posted 9/24/2017 10:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Just the title alone made me angry! And, after reading your post, your husband sounds like an unpleasant, ignorant control freak. Tell him to bore off. He doesn't have a clue about Crohn's. He doesn't have a clue about diet. He doesn't have a clue about anything.

The first step is to start taking medication. Then contact a domestic abuse helpline (in secret of course), because your husband is terrifying you away from necessary treatment and you sound actually scared of him. He is NOT supporting you; he is underming you at every step of the way. He only pretends he is supporting you to screw with your mind (and, perhaps, assauge his own conscience if he has one). I hope one day you leave him, to be honest. You are the one who needs to get your life back, not your husband.

Oh, and have a cookie from me. Trust me, it will make zero difference to the underlying disease (which is NOT caused by diet).
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Shay83
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Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/24/2017 10:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your fast reply. I no longer know whats right and whats wrong. How does one correct their faults if they dont even acknowledge they have any. I hate being the victem its so hard for me to reach out for help bc I feel like im being weak. Im glad I found this forum. Thank you for your reply and scripture it means the world to me🙂

Post Edited (Shay83) : 9/24/2017 10:29:47 AM (GMT-6)


NiceCupOfTea
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   Posted 9/24/2017 10:28 AM (GMT -6)   
You can't change somebody if they don't want to change or acknowledge that they are doing anything wrong. Don't waste time trying; if I were you I'd put your energies into making plans to leave your husband instead. (Hopefully you two don't have any children to think about.)

Sorry! I just re-read your post and somehow missed the "two children" part the first time. My mistake. That deffo makes separating more complicated, but not impossible. It can't be doing the children any good to see their father screaming at you all the time - children absorb these things and pick up on bad vibes far more than adults realise. I dunno whether separation is viable right now, but it's something you ought to seriously consider. Because this man is not going to change. He is an abuser and the number of abusers who genuinely change is vanishingly small - very few are willing to take full (or indeed any) responsibility for their actions.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 9/24/2017 10:37:21 AM (GMT-6)


Shay83
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Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/24/2017 11:26 AM (GMT -6)   
He is a good father and I think he means well to me (i think or im convinced he thinks he does) honestly I dont think he knows how to be supportive. He was raised by an abusive father. In his mind he really thinks he is right. He isn't physically abusive but when he is mad he goes for the jugular with his words. And he uses my disease he throws in my face how sometimes he had to carry me in the hospital and he would mimc how I could barely walk at the times I was admitted to the hospital. He wld tell me that im selfish bc I dont understand what he goes through but thats not the case I feel bad that this is happening to him and It hurts me bc I feel like I Dont have anyone. Im usually admitted every two months for no shorter than 6 days at a time. Ive had multiple procedures done. I wld hide it as long as I possibly could bc I didnt want to alert him to how sick I really am. But the stomach pains are unbearable I wrote this post bc He is good at hurting me and convincing me that its my fault. I guess I wanted to see how everyone else feels.

Labradorite
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1004
   Posted 9/24/2017 11:45 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with everyone else! I actually had a male nurse once while i was hospitalized that sounds an awful like your husband. His wife had left him and his daughter refused to talk to him. both of them had crohns and he was trying desperately to convince them it was all about being " cured naturally" and basically blamed his wife for the illness. He was even trying to convince me not to take half the meds and supplements they were giving me in the hospital! Boy did he get it when the head of GI walked in on this. Id probably be dead if i listened to him. You need to save yourself. your kids need their mom! you have a better chance of getting that with the proper medications and eliminating the abusive dictatorial environment. We're all here for you! Get to a good Pcp, GI and get a treatment plan.

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
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   Posted 9/24/2017 12:37 PM (GMT -6)   
If you left him, I think you would see what you are unable to see right now. He's not a good father if he's treating his children's mother like sh!t and he's certainly not a good husband. I don't give a sh!t about his past: it's his problem, not yours.

I hope one day you find the courage to leave him and live a life that's your own - not his.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 9/24/2017 12:40:40 PM (GMT-6)


Labradorite
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   Posted 9/24/2017 3:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Also, my opinion is coming from someone who grew up in an environment similar to what you discribe and I'm still suffering the consequences. My father blamed my mother for all her health problems (things she had no control over what so ever, she never drank or smoked and took good care of herself but still ended up with very bad severe health issues) and all his life problems. By the time she realized, her health was too bad to get out of the marriage. My brother took after him and started blaming my mother too and basically walked out. You and your kids are better off away from that, because they will learn from that and treat others that way too.

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3262
   Posted 9/24/2017 3:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I shared this with my husband; we've been married for 5 1/2 years and I've been admitted to the hospital 35+ times in there. We also have two children (currently 4 and 1). So in some ways, our situation is similar. HOWEVER my husband has NEVER ONCE belittled me. I showed him your post, and his eyes welled up and he said to tell you that you need to get away from your husband ASAP. My husband grew up with a father who treated his mother like your husband treats you, and she stayed in it until just a couple of years ago. My husband turned out amazing, but some of his younger siblings are really struggling and going the same way @lab's brother did.

My MIL didn't walk away, and it affected her kids. And in your case, it's even worse, because your husband's attitude will literally kill you. And I mean that. IT WILL KILL YOU to not go on meds, and then you'll be leaving your babies with the monster of a father with no one to protect them or show them the right way. And no, he's not a good father. One of my favorite quotes says that the best way a man can love his kids is to love their mother. And how he treats you is NOT love.

I know this sounds harsh and blunt, but it's all true.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

gumby44
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Date Joined Nov 2007
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   Posted 9/24/2017 4:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I think at a minimum you two should try marital therapy. Sometimes a therapist can help your husband understand how he is repeating his own past and being abusive. If he refuses to go with you, then go for yourself. You need the support. Crohn's is a very difficult and complex disease. Even the nicest of spouses get frustrated but it's the troubled spouses who think it's somehow ok to blame the victim. (you) Stay safe and get some help. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
58 yr. old female, diagnosed with Crohn's in terminal ileum Sept-Oct. 2007. Dx. with c.difficile 1/12, 10/14, 11/15, 1/16. Fecal transplant on 2/24/16, and so far, no more c.diff!

5/20/14: Ileo-colic resection surgery after stricturing and partial bowel obstruction.
Not currently on any Crohn's meds and in remission, but struggling with bad IBS.

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 15006
   Posted 9/24/2017 5:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Let's back up to when you were dx'd with crohns. I feel sure your dr explained crohns to both of you. And I would hope that you did your own research about crohns to know that you did not make yourself sick. It doesn't happen that way. Somewhere in the mix of things he has skewed your way of thinking that its your fault & he is absolutely wrong. Think about it, if diet & supplements alone made us symptom free, you would not find thousands of posts here discussing the medications we take to try to tame the beast.

I do urge you to get in to your gi dr & get on medication. There is not one medication that works for everyone, its all trial & error until they see which works the best for the individual. There is nothing wrong with sharing with your gi the situation you are dealing with from your husband about this either.

We understand that he is not physically abusive, however, mental abuse is just as bad. I don't see him as being a willing partner in getting some counseling, you can ask & that may lead to another blow up, after all, he seems to think he knows all the right answers when it comes to you.

Your children need you to be as healthy as possible not only physically but mentally. You sound pretty beaten down at this point & you need help. I will not say he is a good father at all, he setting a poor example for the children. Extremely immature & controlling. You need to take back control over your own life. Allowing him to control you as he is, is not a way of showing love to someone.

Take care.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Post Edited (straydog) : 9/24/2017 8:36:29 PM (GMT-6)


NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
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   Posted 9/24/2017 7:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry if I sounded angry earlier; I'm afraid I was rather. I hate it when people use abuse or depression for being an awful human being - I see a lot of it on the Depression forum (usually from spouses trying to understand their badly-behaved partner). We all have choices. Not very many choices sometimes, but one choice we always have at our disposal is whether to treat the people closest to us well or badly. Your husband has chosen to treat you badly (and blame you for it, because that way he gets the best of both worlds). It is possible to be depressed and still treat loved ones with respect and dignity and many depressed people do.

Just because he thinks he's right doesn't mean that in reality he is. I'm sure he's very sincere about it. But people who are abusers usually are convinced they are right: their ego can't brook being wrong. Nor can their ego brook anyone else but themselves being the centre of attention. I'm positive that the only reason your Crohn's attacts so much mockery and cruelty from your husband is not because you have ruined his life, but because he's jealous he's not the ill one and thus getting all the attention he feels he somehow deserves or is entitled to.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Ljm2014
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Date Joined May 2014
Total Posts : 2057
   Posted 9/24/2017 10:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Shay,

From a different forum , but straydog, gave some good advice there.

Very reasoned and well thought out..

Its hard when we are ill to figure it all out. Sometimes it takes baby steps..

Just take one positive step for yourself each day..

Sounds like you may need to try meds, and thats ok. Accepting help when we need it , is not weak, but rather , smart.

Getting the help you need will let you enjoy those kids more!

Take care

Shay83
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/25/2017 5:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your replies. Ive been in this relationship for 17 years. At one point I knew who I was now im just lost. All of my friends stopped calling. No one wants to deal with me being sick bc im either balling up in pain or throwing up or looking for a restroom. When I was diagnosed my Gi Doctor explained what crohns is but he doesnt listen he thinks the Doctors are a part of this big conspiracy in the medical industry. Dont get me wrong he wont try to physically stop me from taking the medicine its just the arguments that occur and the pressure I just cant take anymore of it. What I have told you all is honestly just the tip of the iceburg he has said much worse things to me and even though I feel hurt somehow he has manipulated me into feeling wrong about what he has said to me. I wrote this post as a last attempt to save me. I was convinced it was all me. He told me he is a victem he didnt choose this life. Im glad you all responded to me I needed to see if im crazy. We tried marital therapy I had to beg him to go. When we met with the woman therapist I cld tell she was overwhelmed by the situation. She made one statement and it gave him all of the power he needed. He told her my wife is selfish she still eats cookies when she knows it will make her sick (not true) than she turned and looked at me and said well do you eat cookies knowing it will make u sick? He is good at getting sympothy from others he knows exactly what to say and do usually me I just play the back burner bc im always to sick or to weak to stand up for myself anymore. Im not innocent sometimes im emotional and withdrawn but thats bc my whole life has drastically changed. Im no longer the intelligent strong outgoing beautiful woman I used to be im just a scared beaten down version. Im not who I used to be. Thank you everyone for confirming my thoughts I thought I was abused I know I feel depressed but I wasnt sure if it was me being over emotional. Im telling u all I no longer know whats real emotion and whats fake. Ive been convinced the way he treats me is great from what he tells me how other men would treat me and when i try to voice my concerns they never get heard. Do all men yell? Im 34 yrs old but ive been with him my whole life since high school. He cooks and cleans when im sick he gives massages but than he blames me for him having to do it.

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9930
   Posted 9/25/2017 6:39 AM (GMT -6)   
He shouldn't argue with you; it's your body! If he gets Crohn's, he can treat it however he likes. But he's not the one who has Crohn's. I've got no doubt at all that he dresses it up as fake concern, but it is utterly fake - all he wants to do is control you, that couldn't be clearer from your posts. Short of physical abuse (which perhaps he senses is the one thing which would tip you over the edge into leaving), he is also ringing every alarm bell going for an abuser that there is. For starters, trying to persuade you that you are the crazy one who is imagining things - of course he has to do that, if you could see clearly how badly he was treating you, you'd be out of there tomorrow. It's in his own interests to confuse you, guilt trip you, and basically do everything to deflect the responsibility from himself to you.

I almost said something about the joint marital therapy in my last post, but decided not to. I was going to say be very careful that he doesn't show the therapist his 'best' face and make you out to be the unreasonable one. Sadly, it seems like that's exactly what happened. If you get therapy again, get it for yourself and leave your husband out of it. And do change if you get one that doesn't seem to be very good. It may even take a few tries to find a therapist that you can 'click' with and who is both competent and empathetic, but that's okay.

No, not all men yell and no decent men yell. And if you had never got Crohn's, your husband would still be just as unpleasant - it's not your illness which has fundamentally changed him, that's actually who he really is. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was a part of him which enjoys you being sick: it makes you weak, downtrodden and easy to bully/boss around. And keeps you tied to him: I notice he's not leaving you. He clearly doesn't have a selfless bone in his body, so he's not staying with you out of the goodness of his heart but because he gets something out of your unequal relationship.

I do suggest phoning up a domestic abuse helpline or finding a domestic abuse forum to post on. You don't have to leave if you're not ready for it, but I do think you urgently need support that you're simply not getting from anyone at the moment - both practical and emotional.

As for the Crohn's, I haven't said anything about that, but if you need advice on treatment or anything else relating to Crohn's, feel free to make another thread. If you're being hospitalised a few times a year, it sounds severe to me. I don't want to scare you, but severe untreated Crohn's can indeed end badly; it's not IBS, it damages the intestines badly. And apart from all but the mildest cases of Crohn's, medication is required to keep it in check.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 15006
   Posted 9/25/2017 7:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Shay, I was not surprised that this has been an ongoing thing for quite some time. A person does not get where you are right now over night. You have years of this under your belt.

As far as friends go, often when a person has an illness we find out who our real friends are & who were mere acquaintances. A true friend sticks with a friend through thick & thin. Many of us have traveled this road too. I had plenty of acquaintances after all. Pretty shallow & transparent people in my opinion. With friends like that who needs enemies.

Of course none of us can tell you what you need to do about your husband. That decision is strictly up to you. However, let me assure you, this is much more common than you probably realize. I can only say if you were my daughter, I would encourage her to get out of the situation. I can assure you once removed from the environment you are in, you will feel better physically. The type of stress you are in living in does have an effect on your body. Stress will not induce a flare, however, it does have a role when flaring. I divorced at a young age with 2 kids. Was I scared, you bet, but finally having peace of mind was worth it. My health improved which was a bonus. Yes, my kids adapted but they also were out of the stressful environment. Believe me your children know things are not right. You may think you are hiding it well from them, but it doesn't happen that way.

Depression is also common with an illness such as crohns. Crohns can be a life altering thing. Acceptance is a bitter pill to swallow. I urge you to get help for yourself.

I don't agree with the counselor's attitude about the cookie. Of course that just added more fuel to fire because he wanted to imply that you did nothing to help yourself. Do we have some martyr syndrome going on with him, I think so.

No, you are not crazy. But you have become beaten down to the point of doubting your own self & that is never good.

Take care.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Labradorite
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1004
   Posted 9/25/2017 7:33 AM (GMT -6)   
I 100% agree with NCOT.
You also need a therapist for yourself that understands chronic illness, best if they understand crohns. You can ask your GI or PCP for one. They can help you get past blaming yourself. My mother and I had the same problem with my father, isolating her from friends and convincing everyone he was the victim, it was/is a terrible situation to live in. And no, cookies are definitely not your problem. In my view he is physically abusing you. he doesn't have to touch you to do it because you have a disease that will do it for him and by doing what he does he's forcing you to continue to suffer. And by not physically hitting you, he can still get by with his "I'm the victim" routine. you need to get treatment fast. You can survive with out him. It might be hard at first but you'd be surprised. you will find new friends, a support group, they will be there for you, you can rebuild your life.

Post Edited (Labradorite) : 9/25/2017 7:36:27 AM (GMT-6)


Shay83
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Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/25/2017 9:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for the support!!!

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
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   Posted 9/25/2017 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Your husband sounds exactly like my father-in-law, down to a tee. My MIL spent years thinking she was the crazy, selfish one. Trust me when I say that no, you're NOT.

My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. In that time, I've been admitted to the hospital 35+ times and have two kids. I can tell you with 100% certainty than in the entire time I've known my husband, NOT ONCE has he raised his voice to me. Ever. Sure, we've had disagreements, but even when I was struggling with postpartum depression and grumpy, he has NEVER responded in kind. He has never personally attacked me, blamed me, or called me names. So NO, not all men yell. My father is the same way - I can't remember a single time that he lost his temper with my mother (and she has a temper, lol). You can have disagreements, even important severe ones, without it turning into yelling, personal attacks, or name-calling.

My husband was amazed the first time he saw my mom snap at my mom and my dad respond in a grumpy tone of voice.....and then that was it. He was expecting what he saw with his parents, with it devolving into a big fight. But instead, 30 seconds later my parents were laughing with each other and holding hands. That's what a normal, healthy relationship should be ALL the time. Not that no one ever gets grumpy, but that when it happens, they're quick to apologize and it never turns into belittling or degrading.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9930
   Posted 9/25/2017 11:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Whereas I grew up in a household where there was always yelling and I absolutely hated it. In fact I still hate it: if I go over to my parents house there are certain topics that are strictly off the table because it will just set my dad off and I can't stand his yelling and his verbal aggression - something he denies but is quick enough to spot in other people ("why are you attacking me??") He can get angry at us, but heaven forbid anyone gets angry at him.

I secretly dislike my dad. I make a show of getting on with him, so I can carry on going over to my parents' house and seeing my mum. But I don't actually like him very much. He wasn't a good dad. I don't like how he speaks to my mum, I don't like how he's always finding faults with other people, but never himself. He's reduced my mum to tears so many times in the past, and then afterwards gone on and on at her until finally she gave in and started talking to him again. He's utterly self-absorbed and obsessed with his own comfort. He's also developed some extreme political views as he's got older and goes on bizarre, lengthy tangents of logic to justify them (or would if anyone was willing to listen to them - I'm not).

I've got 3 older brothers and all of us were affected adversely by my dad as we were growing up. Nobody has a close relationship with him. If it wasn't for observing other people in relationships, I might have thought my dad's behaviour was normal. But it isn't. Shouting/yelling all the time is anything but normal. Nobody apart from somebody who craves the adrenaline wants to live in that kind of amosphere: it's just horrible. My mum was at least fortunate enough to never physically fall ill, so she was able to have some sort of life outside of his orbit.

I've never married or even had a relationship, but if by some miracle I do, it has to be with somebody who's calm and doesn't shout. That's non-negotiable for me.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Ljm2014
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Date Joined May 2014
Total Posts : 2057
   Posted 9/25/2017 11:56 AM (GMT -6)   
He obviously has issues, those patterns often repeat over generations..

But you still have to do whats best for yourself and your health..and the kids..

raising voices is not the issue, but what he says..sounds manipulative rather than supportive..it sounds like emotional abuse..which is just as hurtful as physical..

Please do whats right for yourself, take meds if you need them

Shay83
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/25/2017 12:21 PM (GMT -6)   
@NiceCupOfTea that sounds exactly like him. Thats what ive been dealing with and im starting to see that its not only me but my kids as well. When things get heated we always try to dstance ourself so the kids dont hear it. Its always so important for him to look perfect in their eyes or anyones for that matter. But as you said his personality shows he cant hide it he gets into heated debates with everyone around him I have noticed.
He has some serious political and conspiracy theories and does most of his research on YouTube. He goes hard for what he belives in. Once he gets a theory in his head its no convincing him otherwise. His favorite question is why are you attacking me?? He says so many mean things to me and gets me all emotionally activated and than as soon as i start crying he says see look at you your crazy!! look how you act you cant control your emotions!! And i start thinking maybe I am crazy. He drives me mad when he does that to me because It just seems insane to attack someone to the point of where they lock themself in a bathroom and u follow them to the door just to say more insults.
He says a lot of hurtful mean things to me and when I react he says im crazy and blames me for that.
I scheduled an appointment with my GI doctor today Im going to start taking meds. I told him and all day today and yesterday its been a roller coaster of emotions from him blowing up at me than him blaming me than him trying to convince me not to take the meds than back to being angry but I dont care im going to get help im tired of being sick. He said the medicine is going to give me cancer and im going to die and bc of that if i take the meds im being selfish bc im choosing to take the wasy route now and sacrafice my body in the future.

P.s He smokes cigarettes and I tell him to look at his situation how he wants to stop smoking and cant and how I never belittle him or try to control his decission to smoke. He quickly dismisses that view and says it doesnt count bc he isnt sick now.. im starting to realize what type of situation im truly in. Im going to start with getting my health better than once im strong enough Make other decisions bc like you all said he isnt going to change.

NiceCupOfTea
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 9930
   Posted 9/25/2017 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, that sounds just like my dad! He can't bear looking foolish or wrong in anybody else's eyes. If somebody has a different opinion to him, particularly about something he feels strongly about, he takes it so personally: like it's an assault on him rather than his opinion. And he spends hours a day watching YouTube videos. He never used to be politically minded; now he falls for everything the alt-right says. He's completely paranoid about government - he sees the malign hand of the government in everything. He's lost his temper at more dinner parties than I can count. He obviously desperately wants to be seen as normal, but he's too peculiar and intense to successfully pass as a normal, reasonable bloke with normal, reasonable views. The wider family have, I think, indulged him a bit too much, but it's what most people do I suppose: look the other way and pretend the crazy rant isn't happening.

Unfortunately, personality-wise, I'm more my dad's daughter than my mum's. And I've spent my entire life battling it and trying not to be the same way. Three years ago I was diagnosed with autism, which did explain quite a lot about my early life. Not sure if this is relevant, but the psychiatrist who diagnosed me thought my dad had it and even offered to assess him. My mum was with me and basically said, ooh no, I don't think so. Not because she thought he didn't have it, but she didn't even want to bring up the possibility with him. I suppose because she knew he wouldn't accept it, as he has always denied having anything wrong with him, e.g. depression.

That said, autism wouldn't excuse any of your husband's behaviour, even if he had it. He would still need to take full responsibility for his behaviour and make some serious, permanent changes. And from everything you've said, I can't see it happening. I know of one autistic married man who has managed to make some changes for the better, but he was never as far gone as my dad or your husband to begin with.

As for your husband's tantrums about taking meds, this is ridiculous. He needs to stop! No discussion, no compromise, he just needs to stop. Please don't give in to this; as you assert more autonomy he will get worse unfortunately - that's inevitable. But if you give in, he will also get worse too (I've seen it with my dad). Ultimately there is absolutely no placating people like your husband. The more you give in for a quiet life, the more they think they can get away with - it's just endless. These people have no sense of personal boundaries: they are suffocating.

But I'm very glad you seem to be slowly realising that it's not your fault and that you are starting to think about yourself for a change. One step at a time, definitely. And starting with your Crohn's is the best place to start: good health makes us much stronger.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

Shay83
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2017
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/25/2017 2:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with your Mum my husband prob does have autisim I wld say he has bipolar tendencies too but id rather not bring that up to him that would be the worst argument ever. This post has helped me a lot to understsnd whats normal and whats not. Just the chance to speak with others about my situation. I feel like I may have hope im not going to hide my situation im going to tell my Gi doctor bc I know they are wondering whats wrong with me for not taling the meds.They have stressed multiple times how important meds are in my case. My inflammation markers are at 25 I have ulcers in the lining of my stomach and the opening of my colon. I dont think I ever believed his conspiracy theory about Doctors and population control I think I just got tired of arguing and gave in. But that will no longer happen im tired and fed up and I feel stronger knowing its not all me or my fault. Thank you all for your support you have no ideal what this means to me.
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