Fear of committments (not marriage, just stuff)

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 3129
   Posted 9/7/2007 1:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Anyone else find themselves with a "fear of committment" because of the disease?  I don't mean marriage, just a lack of ability to commit to something because you might be sick.  I tend not to plan anything in case I am too pooped literally or figuratively.  Hubby just joined the local Elks and I am avoiding becoming a member with him---what if I volunteer too much again, what if I agree to help with a dinner but then am too sick to follow through.  I don't ever plan an evening out because 'what if' so we tend to do nothing with other people.
I DONT LIKE THIS.  I used to be bouncy and the social butterfly of my last sports club.
So how do I break this awful habit???  Come on guys how do you get that little 'what if' gremlin out of the back of your head.
Dx'd '90 (emergency rupture), symptoms ignored long before that, '03 fistulas and bad flagyl reactions, B12 weekly, Pentasa [until I surrender to the bigger meds]
I'm riding on the escalator of life....

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 257
   Posted 9/7/2007 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Habs - I think you just have to think positive. I had the same dilema when I thought about going to see friends at there camp this past summer but we went and everything went well. Also about booking a cruise in February - what if I don't feel well and I wasted $5,000. But I booked it anyway. We could "what if" all day and never leave our homes, you just gotta go for it. I have found that sometimes it is mind over matter and you pull yourself together for events that you know you need to go to. Just my thoughts. And you seem like you are to fun to be home. Your community needs you. MB

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1010
   Posted 9/7/2007 3:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Ok here goes -- what is keeping you from being that bouncy, social butterfly. I bet your post is resonating with a lot of others on this forum but each of us has to answer this question for themselves. Sometimes it really is the disease and its symptoms We really are just too sick to be social. But alot of the time, and this is my experience, it is fear, not the disease that holds us back. For me it was fear of failure, fear of having to face my reality, fear of exposure, fear of being less than perfect, fear of being seen as unreliable.

I've been working really hard on these issues for the last three years. Lot of head shrinking and a lot of self analysis. I've reached the point where I've been able to let go of my fears. I'm not afraid to qualify any commitment I make. The amazing thing is that I've found as i have let people into this journey I'm on with this disease I've received nothing but understanding and compassion. Five years ago i would have squirmed at that word -- compassion. Ugh, imagine allowing myself to be seen as less than strong, less than capable less than reliable.

It wasn't until I started posing the worst case scenario questions for any given situation that I started to let go. What's the worst thing that might happen if you join the Elks with your husband? What's the worst possible thing that could happen. Ask yourself and then walk back from that endpoint and maybe you will find that you can gradually find that bouncy, social butterfly again.

Happy hunting.

30+ years living with Crohn's.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2006
Total Posts : 267
   Posted 9/7/2007 3:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I often won't commit to plans with friends because I never know from hour to hour if I will be up for it. I know it's frustrating for them to always hear "we'll see" or "I'll let you know later" but what are the options? I RARELY ever make dinner plans with anyone, what's the point?? I know that as soon as I eat I'll be miserable and need to leave. Why ruin everyone else's evening because of my illness.
Anyone who thinks that CD doesn't affect every single aspect of a person's quality of life is insane. It has affected my work performance and my personal relationships. I work very hard at hiding the pain and discomfort so my kids and friends have some sense of normacy, but they can see it.
Hang in there Habs! Take on only obligations which you are comfortable with, no more-no less.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 722
   Posted 9/7/2007 5:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes-pilates class for one and a gym membership for another....
Luckily, my husband built me a home gym for just that purpose! :-)
I also have lost my social butterfly qualities. Mostly because I am too tired but I tend to make plans spur of the moment now for when I am feeling up to it. I had been doing a lot of cancelling on people. Yup, I was the blow off girl!

36 year old female. Dx'd and undx'd a few times. Was just redx'd again 04/2007.
History of rectal abscesses and fistulas (28 surgeries including abscess I & D, exploratory surgeries, 2 C-ton drains and 1 fistula plug) Count does not include self bursting abscesses.
1st Remicade infusion 6/5/07.  Lots of joint pain, and a new fistula since the 2nd infusion 6/19.
Praying I'll get better soon so we can have a baby.
Ginger :)

Glad Bag
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 9/7/2007 7:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I always ask people when they are putting up resistance to something that could be good for them....

what's the worst thing that could happen? and then i answer....you may not have an awesome time....maybe it will only be an o.k. experience.... big whoop then, right?....go for it.....

i think it is easy to become complacent and actually, in a way, seek a form of shelter in our illness....it is easier to shrink into yourself then to put yourself out there, but the rewards are never as good just being around yourself as they are when you are around others....especially when you are doing things for people.....

I myself just became a Moose member, and there isn't even one in my town, but my good friend really wanted me to join, so now they got my $60 bucks and maybe i will help with a pancake breakfast some day or something....hey, at least the beer is cheaper there than at the regular bar, right?

think back on your life...what do you remember most? it is most likely the times that you spent with the people you love/like.

all the days spent alone melt together and end up being wasted, i don't know about you, but i am not getting any younger

I remember an apology i read once, it goes kind of like this.....i probably forgot some over time, but here is the meat of it:

A college professor was teaching his students about the importance of time management and prioritizing.

He stood in front of the class and filled a jar with some rocks and asked the students, is this jar full?

some quickly answered, "yes". But he quickly replied, "no sillies....it is not full, see!", and he put some gravel in there and it filled up the space in between the rocks....

ok...the students laughed..

then he asked again, "is it full?", and most of the students said no...they were quick learners..

So the professor asked, "what next?"

A student raised his hand and so the teacher call him up.

The kid came up and the teacher asked, "now what can i put in there" The kid looked around and filled the jar with some sand that was in a separate container near the professors desk.

The professor was pleased, this kid gets it.

he asked, "now, if i had put the sand in first, would the jar have been full?"

They all answered, "yes!"

He went on, "Well kids, you see, let's consider the jar is a symbol for your time, everything you do in your life has to fit in that jar. So if you put the important things in first....i.e. the big stuff, the rocks....like time with family, helping those you love, cooking good meals, exercising, all the stuff you know you need to do to live a happy life....you will find time for the rest of the stuff somewhere between the big stuff. However, if you allow yourself to become distracted, to focus on the less important stuff first....you fill your jar of life with sand, and there is not any time left for what really matters....the big stuff!"

I always though it was a great story....but had I been there, i would have blurted out, "well then teach....i better get my ass to the bar then...'cause school can obviously come later!"
"All we need is love....love is all we need"

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 9/7/2007 8:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Very well put Glad Bag Kinda what I needed about now Thanks
Diagnosed with Crohn's spring '06
taking-Asacol 4 tabs 3 times a day
Imuran 50mg 1 a day to start
Humira 40ml injection 1 every 2 weeks
Hydrocort @ night -fun stuff
 Prednisone 5mg per day

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