Marriage in trouble because of CD

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Saint
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 9/29/2007 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone,
I've been married for 2 1/2 years to a beautiful, full of life, canadian girl. We've been through alot of struggles but have had alot of great times as well. She had an established life in Quebec and she gave it all up for me to move down to the States and marry me. about three years ago I went in for a routine colonoscopy and was diagnosed with CD. My relationship with my doctor was not very good. He was never receptive to what was happening to me and grew upset whenever me or my wife would ask questions. While I was under his care he had me on Asacol which made my syptoms more frequent than ever but insisted on the same dosage and drug. He put me threw another colonoscopy while I was having a flare up (which didn't make sense because I told him I wasn't fully clean even after drinking all the go-lytly) but proceeded anyways. Hence he was unable to complete the test. So three days later he had me do another one. This was a miserable experience. I was fully aware during the procedure and ended up in the ER (there was fear of a prefferation, but was negative). My faith in the doctor continued to sour. So after two years of feeling worse with him I released him. I tried to give it a go by myself with natural remedies and it seemed to go very well for about 6 months. Now I'm having an intense flare-up that hasn't let go of me for 2 months. I held out figuring I could pull out of it. Now I have an appointment Nov 12th to see a new GI that I waited to get in with because I heard great things about her. All this has put an increasing amount of strain on my marriage. My wife has been supportive and understanding but it's becoming less and less as she's gotten more frustrated. We've had arguments in the past and they all seem to relate to the CD in one way or another. As much as I try, I fight to keep up with her even on horrible days and when I reach a point when I'm uncertain about carrying on in normal activities...I see the look of dissapointment on her face and it hurts me more than anything Crohn's or life has done to me. She's an incredible, strong and wonderful woman. I've always viewed her as my soulmate. But I feel like sometimes I'm just trying to make it through the day and hope tomorrows better. Meanwhile the people close to me suffer for the days that I barely exist. I fight with all my heart to stay above this disease but my wife views it sometimes as I didn't try enough. Sometimes I feel like I brought her into a life that at one time looked wonderful and full of promise but now is an existance that is unfair to ask someone else to be a part of. I've thought of trying to "release" her from this situation but know I couldn't bear to see my soulmate leave. Now her unhappiness has escalated to the point where she posed an ultimatum to me...get better or I can't stay in this any longer. I have so many emotions about this...it's alot of pressure to be the "weak one" when you were known for your strength and to feel like the balance of everything I hold dear in my life may be slip away...To add more pressure we've been saving for a house hopefully in the spring. This is a huge crossroads I could be facing very shortly in my life. I know I'll land on my feet where ever I fall but I just don't know if the rest of my body can take it! I appreciate any feedback...
 
"I know I was born and I know I will die, but the in between is mine." 
 
Possible CD sufferer for 10 years, diagnosed 3 years ago
Lung collapsed 2 1/2 years ago while I was on the toilet! LOL Don't push so hard! yeah
2 years ago flipped my Ford Ranger going 65 mph 5X sideways. Came out with not a scratch on me...go figure! 

lovepink
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 182
   Posted 9/29/2007 9:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey~
I read your story! Wow, it is hard huh? We are not yet married but we have been together 5 years. I have been very ill with Crohn's for about 6 years (now almost 27 years old). He is amazing and by my side every minute of every day. Why we wonder sometimes huh? Keep your head up and stay strong. Remind her how much you love her everyday. Things will get better for you. We live with a serious, hard and painful disease that yet so many people do not understand. I do not even think we understand. It is hard for our love ones. They hurt so much seeing us hurt and sometimes they do not know how to react b-cause of the pain we are in etc. I think you need to make some time for you and her to go out and spend a special night together. It is prob. hard if you are sick and hurting huh? I understand. Are you always hurting. Don't give up on her and don't give up on your life. I am not sure if this message helped you BUT at least you can have comfort that many people on this FORUM DO understand what you are going through. So does your wife (I am sure) but she is suffering too. It is hard to see a loved one hurting.
What meds are you on right now? What do you do to help yourself with your Crohn's? You know your body more than the Dr's so always remember that too.
I to had both lungs collapse about 4 years ago. That is painful huh? Mine was not from pushing too hard however. Is that really how yours happened?

pb4
Elite Member


Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20576
   Posted 9/29/2007 10:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through...I wish I had an answer to help make it all better for you, but I can tell you this, the stress of your marriage worries will NOT help your CD any, which I'm sure you know.

Do you take probiotics? They can be very beneficial, also, my GI insisted that I take a fibre supplement daily for the rest of my life, this has also been a huge help with my CD, it has given me completely formed stools, no more mucus, I go less times a day with larger deposits rather than many times a day with smaller ones.

I also take these things along with the above mentioned, bee propolis (don't take if you're allergic to bees), this is a natural anti-inflammatory and it stopped all my bleeding and pain and also cut back on daily BM's, and omegas 3-6-9, also an anti-inflammatory...this combination of the probiotics (primadophilus reuteri made by natures way), bee propolis, omegas 3-6-9, and fibre supplement (found easily in Canada but only in a few US states apparently called Prodiem, it's similar to metamucil).

I also eat healthy, no processed foods/beverages, fast-foods, caffeine, refined sugar (which adds to the bacterial over-growth us IBDers tend to have, which is why a good probiotic is a must). Idrink alot of water and at least one cup of chamomile tea a day, I'm allergic to oral RX so I don't take any of those which is why I had to rely on the natural route, it's done me wonders, I was going a good 30 times/day with lots of lower back pain, bleeding and mucus, now, no more blood, mucus, pain, and daily BM's are cut down to 5 or less a day because of the COMBINATION of things mentioned above that I take...what works for one doesn't work for all and often it is a combination that works best.

It can be a viscious circle, trying to get better and juggle the daily stresses, but honestly the right person for you (which I know you feel is your wife at the moment) will be able to get through this without making it harder on you...

My husband and I have been together since I was 15, we got married when I was 21, have 2 kids, I got sick a yr and a half after I had my first baby at the age of 23....I'm now 40, so we've been married for 17.5 yrs and have been together for a total of 25 yrs...it has not been easy, I deal with things about him that I don't care for, drinking, although he's not a falling-down drunk, we both know he has issues with alcohol and jealousy over our many yrs together (he has some insecurity issues because of the way he grew up in his household), but here we are still together, our first born will be 18 in January, and raising teenagers has definitely had it's impact on us as well....so there is hope.  I've had crohns for 16 yrs now straight with no full remission but at least it's under better control now then it has been for most of my yrs with it.

Feel better soon :)


My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it!  LOL  :)


huckleberry
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 317
   Posted 9/30/2007 3:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear "Saint"

I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you and for your relationship. Getting the CD under control with a doctor you trust is important, but I think also keeping the open communication with your wife is important too. Living with an 'ultimatum" like "get better or I'm leaving" is just about impossible. She's obviously in so much pain, concern, confusion too. My heart goes out to both of you.

Does she come to your doctor's appointments with you? I'd suggest that she go with you, and that you both write down your questions ahead of time. Ask things about your currrent treatment and meds, but also about what to expect in the future -- like "how well can I expect to feel?" or "My goal is to have more energy [insert whatever]...how do you think I can most aggressively get to achieving that?" Make sure to let the doctor know something like: "This illness is really affecting our marriage and relationship."

Seeing you take control, have a plan and develop a positive, proactive approach might help your wife feel better -- she might be feeling as if she's always got to be the "pulled together" and that's a really hard, lonely place for her to be. On the days when you're feeling well, you might make sure to handle certain things -- chores, financial issues ... whatever, so that she sees you are really there for her when you can be, and not just always consumed with being sick.

This is really hard to do by the way. I'm a single mom and I make a conscious effort to handle household projects, play a game with my kids, do a baking project...whatever.... at times when I am even remotely feeling well enough. Sometimes, I'd rather just read a book or veg out, but I think of it as making a deposit in an "emotional bank account." I know that there will be more days when I disappoint them, so I feel I must always be vigilant about creating good times and showing them I'm here for them. Hopefully, these "account deposits" will get them through times when I am less well.

In my own life, I was separated (now in process of messy divorce) two years ago after a happy 17 year marriage. My husband has some mental health issues and our separation has been traumatic and painful in every way even though it was my decision to leave. I have had symptoms of CD for awhile, but was only diagnosed this last month. Dealing with an acute illness and long hospitalization WITHOUT a partner has been difficult and lonely for me. Although I didn't specifically "miss" the person my husband was, I did miss having someone to talk things over with, share the worry with, make decisions with, help with the children and just be there for me. Calling in friends and other relatives is just not the same.

So for your sake and her sake, hang in there and most of all, be well.
44 years old, newly diagnosed after an 8-day hospitalization in September 2007 but symptoms for several years before that.
Taking Pentasa, Prednisone, Prilosec and a multi-vitamin -- also Levoxyl for hypothyroid (Dx 2004)
Gall bladder surgery in 1997.
Single working mom to three wonderful kids, ages 9 to 15.

So appreciative to have this forum -- it's all new to me!


gachrons
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 9/30/2007 5:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi It is a long time between now and Nov.12 are you taking anthing now for your CD in the way of pers. drugs? There are many drugs that will help get you threw a flare and maintance meds. I hope your new GI will be better .IN the mean time you should get something to help you .What about putting a call threw to the new GI and telling him or her that you are flaring maybe they will get you in earlier. If that don't work try your GP or go to emerg. and tell them about your flare .You are concerned about your wife but you need to take care of yourself now and I cain't even imagine having to push myself to do things too much for someone else I don't push myself much now for anyone because it causes stress.Hopefully your wife will be more understanding perhaps she needs to look up info on CD and that might help her understand.All the best to you and worry about your health first this is coming from a Canadian Woman. lol gail

crohnie42
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 371
   Posted 9/30/2007 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
when you get married, you take that good , the bad and the ugly

THat said...My husband has stuck by me for 15 years with Crohns and now has been my rock through rectal cancer, chemo and radiation.

You need to talk about this with your wife and expalin what is going on with you every day. It is not easy, but life is not easy

Good Luck
Michele
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Female Dx'ed with Crohns Disease in 1992
Been on every med for crohns that exists
Several Fistula surgeries
Dx'ed with Colon Rectal Cancer March 2007
Dx'ed with Stage 2 Vulvar VIN
On Chemo and Radiation for 6 weeks


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 9/30/2007 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Evidently your wife needs to be educated about Crohns. What part of incurable does she not understand? No matter how hard you try to be well, Crohns has a mind of its own. Sometimes it takes years to figure out the best treatment for you. To say get better or I am gone, is an impossible request. I don't want to be sick and a constant downer for my husband, but he KNOWS I have no control. I watch my diet, I take the meds the doctors prescribe, I do the tests they want, I try the natural meds where possible. But sometimes no matter what, I still get sick. Maybe you could go on the CCFA website with your wife to help educate her more about Crohns. I think if she can be educated about the disease, she will be more understanding of what you are going thru and really don't have a choice here. God Bless you and I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


Roni
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 2480
   Posted 9/30/2007 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I'm truly sorry for you marriage troubles. There are obviously certain conditions to end a marriage (abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, adultery, etc.), but sickness isn't one of them. Your wife promised in sickness and in health, for better or for worse? I am a strong believer in fulfilling marriage promises. To have a successful marriage, we have to be selfless and think of our spouse's interests always. Your wife doesn't seem to take her marriage vows seriously. I hope she has a change of heart about the very serious obligation she entered into when she married you. If not, then that's her perogative, but what a terrible shame on her.
 
I think she may need some outside support, a counselor perhaps. I know it's hard on our loved ones, but we are the ones who are sick and they need to learn compassion and empathy.

In regards to your health, try probiotics as suggested by pb4. I use Garden of Life probiotics, they help alot.

You can also try the maker's diet. It is very very effective.

I wish you the absolute best,

Roni

Post Edited (Roni) : 9/30/2007 1:56:29 PM (GMT-6)


Mar1anneC
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 79
   Posted 9/30/2007 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe your wife is frustrated because you have been sick and not going to the doctor. I know I get very "nagging" to my hubby when he does not take care of himself the way I think he should. (he is diabetic and I worry about him while he worries about me)

I guess I don't really have any advice for you except to hang in there and try to keep the communication going between you. Sometimes when times are hard it helps to just talk about it and even if you can't "fix" everything just talking about it can make you feel like a team together instead of arguing.

Its pretty rough to have an incurable illness like this, especially for me when I get SO tired and achey. I want to do more around the house and with the kids and hubby but sometimes I just need to take a darn nap.

Matthew
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 3932
   Posted 9/30/2007 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Here is one positive thing you need to think of:
Most of the time, when a marriage sours around here because of our disease, the other spouse simply splits. They either tell their partner its over or just sneak out. At least your wife is still trying to cope with you & your illness. So many DON'T. Ask any long time member. You are very lucky to have this person.
As for GI's I see the Arse doctor being an Arse, is not strictly limited to the USA!

Matthew

flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 10/1/2007 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Saint,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, especially while you're sick. sad If I were you, I would not wait until Nov. 12 to see a doctor. I'd start calling every GI in the phone book, and get in to see one sooner. They can get you started on Remicade or Humira, which, for many, has brought them into remission. I had a wonderful 3-year remission while on Remicade.

There is also the option of surgery, which I had a year ago. It was the best thing I ever did. I am not sick anymore, I don't have to take any medicine, and I got my life back. Please tell your wife that you're looking into every option to overcome this disease, and that you need her by your side to get through this. Maybe that will give you both hope that it won't always be this bad.

Keeping you both in prayer,
Cecilia
Dx'd w/ Crohn's in '99 at age 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Pain-free, med-free, and very thankful to be healthy again :)

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