OT: My father-in-law passed last night

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 12/10/2007 10:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Some of you knew I've been helping take care of my father-in-law who had terminal cancer and decided he wanted to die at home.  Well, he died last night, and while I'm so glad this is over.  I know that helping him throught this ordeal will help us deal with the next parts, dealing with the loss, helping his wife of 61 years go on without him.
Thankfully he was never in a lot of pain, but physical frailty made 24 hour care necessary for the past few months.  The family took turns being there, even when there was a nurse or caregiver.  It was the most tiring and difficult, and wonderful thing I've ever done. 
You read about families dealing with this, with the decisions that have to be made, but you really don't understand unless you've been through it.  He taught me a lot about dying.   He showed us how to mend fences that had been broken for many years, how to keep your dignity in the face of full bedside care, and taught this family how to overcome their differences to work together for the love of someone. 
I'm glad his (and our) ordeal is (almost) over, but it made me realize we all need to face this one day, and that I (we) have a lot of decisions to make now, while I (we) still can, that could potentially make my (our) loved ones lives a little easier when the time comes. 
Make your wishes known to those who will make the decisions.  Try to make the process of your dying a little easier for those who love you.   
Crohn's Disease   

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 12/10/2007 10:53 AM (GMT -6)   
My sympathy to your family.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 3296
   Posted 12/10/2007 11:17 AM (GMT -6)   
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,
Jon,  Co-moderator for Crohn's Disease and Depression forums
"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret." -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821-81), Swiss philosopher, poet 
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Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 12/10/2007 11:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Excellent Excellent advice Judy. May you begin the next chapter of your life with peace.
26 Year old married female.  Diagnosed w/ CD 3 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD.  Currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day, hysociamine prn, nexium, and ortho evra.  Good times!!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 565
   Posted 12/10/2007 11:37 AM (GMT -6)   
my condolences to you and your family.

i have to go to a wake tonight for a 25 year old coworker who "died at home". we still don't know what happened yet.
.: stephanie :.
32 y/o female diagnosed 8/8/7 with crohn's of the terminal ileum w/ stricture/scarring
10mgs prednisone (getting there!), 50mgs 6mp, 4000mg pentasa, vicodin for pain & a boat load of other drugs for sleep and anxiety!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 598
   Posted 12/10/2007 11:54 AM (GMT -6)   

I am very sorry about your loss of your father in law. I know exactly what you mean. My mother died last week. Our relationship over the past few months (years?) was not great. She had a different approach to dealing with medical problems (she called me doctor crazy, so that may help you understand what I mean) She was only in the hospital one week and they were making plans for her to come home as she never wanted to go to a nursing home. I planned to take care of her, hire companions etc. It never came to that though. We had a very good last few hours together and she even said "don't worry about anything, I'm happy" That helped to ease my guilt after finding out she had serious medical problems (even though I know I did everything I could to get her to take her health more seriously) Those last hours are what I will remember. I have thought of what it would have been like if we didn't have that opportunity.
10 years, many tests, 3 gi doctors, Pentasa 1000mg 3x day
diovan, simvastatin and now trying good ol' zoloft

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 497
   Posted 12/10/2007 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
My heart goes out to you and your family with the loss of your father-in-law.  It sounds like he was a great man and taught many important things.  Thank you for sharing them with us!

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 12/10/2007 12:59 PM (GMT -6)   
dustspeck- coming from a law enforcement perspective vague obituaries like "died at home" typically mean either drug overdose or suicide when referring to young people. I only tell you this because a lot of people are naturally curious and start to ask for more information. When they find out they wish they had known the "code words" and didn't ask. I could be completely off in this case but wanted to give you a heads up.
26 Year old married female.  Diagnosed w/ CD 3 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD.  Currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day, hysociamine prn, nexium, and ortho evra.  Good times!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 217
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:04 PM (GMT -6)   
my condolence to you and your family
35 yr old,female,dx with depression 2002,crohn's july 13 07 in a new trial study for orencia( abatacept )

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Judy my condolences to your entire family. My brother in law passed away at 36 in 1998 and I was there for him everyday and while he passed. What you said was absolutely right on, he really taught me not to be afraid and to remember to say all those things I want to say before its too late.

I pray peace for your whole family as you go thru the next few difficult days and weeks to come.

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 3200
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Judy, I have nothing to add to the above posts. Just know that I'm thinking of you {{hugs}}

Too many years with CD
Two bowel resections, several obstructions.

Laughter is the brush that sweeps the cobwebs from our hearts

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 149
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry about your loss
Crohns for 11 years
1 surgery so far
2 times in hospital for blockages
B12 Injections

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4527
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Judy sorry for your loss and your right about his wife needing support it can be very hard on the remaining spouse I helped my sister threw her loss and it was a hard one for her. ... Hope your husband is doing good and able to accept this in his life. Wishing you all the Best . lol gail

Elite Member

Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 20551
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   
So sorry Judy....


Thoughts are with you and your family.

My bum is broken....there's a big crack down the middle of it!  LOL  :)

ski bum
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 451
   Posted 12/10/2007 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Judy, my sincere condolences.  Your words of wisdom are priceless.  When my mom had a stroke and was not able to communicate, or move, or take care of any of her needs, we were advised that she should have a feeding tube.  We consented.  Upon her admission to a nursing home, the medical director asked me if she had a living will.  That was the first anyone ever asked this question.  I called her attorney, and sure enough, she had a living will.  In it, she had clearly stated she did not want a feeding tube under these circumstances.  That only added to how devastated we already felt.  It's better to speak with people you love about end of life issues well in advance.  Your father in law was truly blessed to be treated with such dignity during the end of his life. 
50 y/o F. CD dx'd Aug 05. Initially on Pentasa, then Imuran 125 mg. Started Humira (very reluctantly) on 10/24/07. Currently on Humira, Imuran and Entorcort. Hope to dc Imuran and Entorcort within one month of starting Humira.

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 177
   Posted 12/10/2007 2:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow, thanks for sharing that powerful experience with us. Good thoughts to you and your family as you begin moving on with life.

gemini kiwi
Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 1136
   Posted 12/10/2007 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Condolences to you and your family.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 12/10/2007 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Tess, condolence--he is in a better place. I think it is great that you are thinking about the future--VERY IMPT. I also respect the fact that you guys took initiative and actually took the time to help your father in law. Too often I see the wife or husband resent their in laws and just keep them in a nursing home till they pass cause they know it's going to be a lot of work and they don't want to deal with it--my ex husband included.

My mama made me her medical power of attorney when she was dying from stage IV breast cancer. She told me that if she was incapacitated and there was no hope to pull the plug. Unfortunately I was 27 and didn't know what a living will was. 3 years later when her brain swelled up and she became comatose and started the process of dying at a hospice facility, I told them to pull the iv and let her die in peace instead of leaving her on IV prolonging things for an additional 1-3 weeks which is what the doctor and nurse told me would happen--she was comatose for 3 weeks and her body started smelling like death but I had never experienced that so I thought she just needed more sponge baths. she died in 2-3 days. To this day her 5 siblings think I killed her because they never knew what her wishes were and I had no proof. I have no regrets of what I did, but it makes family gatherings VERY awkward since my cousins agree with what I did but their parents don't.
Newbie - 35 yrs old Diagnosed: 08/03/07
Asacol 3x day
Imuran 50MG 3 x day
Lamictal 125 MG/day for bioloar II

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 4305
   Posted 12/10/2007 7:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry to hear of your father-in-laws passing.Please know that you and your family is in my thoughts and prayer.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 3763
   Posted 12/10/2007 8:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

CD 19 years offically, 29 unofficially. 3 resections '93, '95 '97
Symptoms constantly but all tests show only minor ulcerations. Currently having multiple episodes of gastritis with no known cause.

Prednisone, 6MP,Prevacid, B12 shots, Bentyl, Xifaxan.....

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 12/10/2007 11:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Judy, my condolences to you and your family. I do know what you mean about the times spent sharing and learning from someone dying. I have sat with my dad, mom, oldest son(he was 33) and mom in law. Each was different but each was a blessing that I wouldn't trade for anything. The griefing process began when you all started the whole process, I think mayby it helps the grieving some that way. It really is a relief when they pass and at the same time such a feeling of loss and sadness and "what do I do now?". Anyway, we are here for you, prayers are with you.

"remember, always take your rainbow with you" granna

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 289
   Posted 12/11/2007 7:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Sending hugs and sympathy to you and your famil

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 3042
   Posted 12/11/2007 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Judy I sorry for your lose. I am sending big hugs to you and your family.

Hi, I am teddybearweiser, I am a male.
I was diagnosed with crohns disease when i was admitted to the hospital
in 1992, in Jan of 1993 I was back in the hospital for surgery for my crohns. I had part of my right colon resectioned with ilecolonstomy.
 My GI doctor has me on Asacol, Dicyclomine,Imuran,Celebrex and Remicade. B-12 injection once a month.
My Internest doctor has me on Lisnopril-HTCZ and Folic Acid. Diagnosed
with Osteoarthritis July 2007

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 12/11/2007 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. May I have such kind and wise people to help me on my way when the time comes.
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2527
   Posted 12/11/2007 1:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Judy, I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

My husband and I moved in with my grandfather a couple months after my nana passed they were married 58 years and together for 60. It is hard watching him every day kissing every pic in the house, her mirror even had a pic of the 2 of them engraved in the headstone which he kisses 3 times each time he goes which is at least 3 times a day. It is hard but I think us being here makes it a little easier on him but it is so hard for us to watch what he goes through. We think he may have the beginings of alzheimer's too which is what my nana had, he does everything himself but gets a little scary like he forgot he had the flame on the stove with a pan on it with bacon grease in it...they never fried in anything but bacon grease...the house was full of smoke etc, it is scary.
Dx with Crohn's 1987, symptoms as early as 1984.
Temp iliostomy February 2007, reversed June 2007, Ovarian cysts, migraines, allergies (incl food allergies) , oral allergy syndrome (diff than true food allergies), Asthma, Gall Bladder removed 1999, Inguenal hernia 1987

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