Have I failed him?

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missmem
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/2/2005 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi all,

I joined this site because I am in need of support of other CF people and supporters. My boyfriend/fiancee' of a year and a half recently broke up and I have been on Auto-pilot the last three months without really realizing it. I just came out of the fog and I have realized what I've lost to CF. A great love in my life. Steve has struggled in our relationship because I have always wanted to be married and have children. Because of the CF, Steve has not wanted these things. I know at one time in our relationship he tried to believe, he loved me that much, that we were engaged until he said to me about the feelings of marriage and children with him have not gone away and will never go away. I struggled with that and I finally prayed. I wanted him in my life and I love him so much that I went back to him and said that I have to marry you for you not because I want to be married and have children. With that our relationship continued pretty good, of course with the ups and downs that CF health brings and we were good until he moved out of his parents place. A 30 yr old who has lived in a very closely connected world and has not ventured out. Always fearing the worst I suppose and with all due respect I don't have a Chronic illness to say how he is to feel and how he is to live his life, but after a year and more I was shocked that he didn't give me a key to his place. and from there.... our relationship struggled even more. and he got sucked into this depression once again that as long as I am with him I will never have what I want and he can't let our relationship cont. and I along the same line felt some resentment building and I love him too much to and so we both said we can't do this anymore.... and now I'm realizing that I want to be that person that he needs and now it's too late.  How do you male CFers feel about the future, marriage, kids and etc...?????? tell me how I should react?

Ultimately it comes down to reality, did I fail him? It hurts to know that we broke up because we loved/love each other not because we stopped loving each other. He, because he didn't want to hold me back from living a life I've always wanted and I because I love him too much to ever resent him. I live with with regret either way; To stay with him I might regret it, to live without him I regret it. Which is worse?

Now that I'm dealing with my feelings I'm really confused. I'm angry with myself, I'm disappointed in myself, I'm angry at God in a perspective, I'm hurt, sad and yes lonely. I find myself losing my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I don't know where I'm going in life anymore and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life anymore. I know logically that I'll be fine and that life will move on, but how do I grieve a beautiful relationship that ended because the hope of living a life of happiness together died somehow. In someway it's ironic for me to move on in life because it somehow denies that that relationship ever happened. Does that make any sense?

Please I would like to hear from you all through this or through email. Email me at missmem@juno.com

Thanks missmem

 

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