Tennis - that's exactly how I feel. I don't have a lot of people that I am close to and I don't want to put everything on them. And like you I don't want to be pitied. But it is nice to know that people care. Outside of my family I no longer have anyone who knows about my depression/anxiety, so when I'm at school it gets pretty lonely, and I find I do have to put on an "I'm okay" face to get through the day.
I do think it's better to talk. I had two friends I used to be able to lean on, but one also suffers from depression and he isn't always the best help. The other friend knows us both, which made it complicated, and I feel like she's chosen to be there for him rather than me. (I DON'T think this is my imagination - she stopped returning calls and emails about two months ago, and then came into town to visit him and didn't tell me she was there) Time to find new friends maybe? I need to see if there is a support group for depression at my University.
It's okay to say what you need to. I've been having a hard couple of days as well!
My understands the Fibro, but she doesnt understand the things that come with it. I know two people personally who have it. One of which told me about it 2 years ago, she is the reason I found out about it! I have talked to her once about the depression and stuff. The other one my mom and I talked to when she found out I was taking Lyrica and had possibly been dx. I think she scared by mom to death when she was explaining the IBS she experienced and that I would probably too. She asked questions about it...I am not good talking like that, I told her I was normal, and my mom was standing there. I felt the anxiety go into overdrive. I do experience symptoms of IBS, I just havent told anyone.
But, my mom doesnt understand that Fibro doesnt just mean I am in pain, it comes with depression and all sorts of things. She knows because my dad showed her one of the Fibro sites, but I guess she just doesnt think that it is me. She wont accept that I am depressed and all the other stuff. Some things I cant say on here, but I will honestly tell you that it has gotten really bad before. Luckily, I talked to my friend, who had experienced similar things before. I was afraid at first until I learned how similar we are. So, I tell her everything and she understands. But, I have no one else to talk to about certain things, just her. Thats why I feel guilty.
I am not allowed to say everything on here so I talk to her. She understands what is going on with me and the things in my head. Luckily, I have gained control of the bad things, now I am just depressed. I wish my mom could understand that.
Maybe when I go back, my doc will explain everything to my mom, and I will have the courage to answer questions honestly. All docs seems to enjoy referring me to someone else, so maybe he will refer me to someone who specializes in Fibro, who knows. Although, I am pretty sure there isnt a doc here that does....
Anyways, maybe as I get older I can explain it more to her. Right now I am just trying to deal with it, even though I am alone in it, I have to stay strong until one day I can get it out. I know you guys are always here for me, but you can only do so much.
I dont like people to hug me, I have never really been hugged alot...but I almost wish I could tell one special person everything, we could both cry, and they would hold me, and comfort me and tell me that it will be ok. I imagine that special moment. I am just not sure who I will tell. I just wanted to be comforted. I have never had that really.
I guess that is kind of sad. I dont remember my parents ever hugging me. I know they love me, but they never say it. We are not really close. I remember one time when I was younger, I asked my mom if she really loved me. She said yes of course I love you. She didnt hug and comfort me and let me know she really meant it. I know she really does. All parents have unconditional love, but she never shows it, or says it.
Maybe that is part of my problem, I dont know. Sorry this is so long. I guess I am getting some of the really emotional stuff out....Thanks for listening to my venting.
Sorry I missed the part about the holidays. Christmas was good, but I felt really bad, I was not into it at all. I got everything I asked for...but I still wasnt happy. The past few days have ben horrible.
Christmas night was bad, I had to get my friend to talk to me. I always text her when it gets bad, then she tells me happy things. Its my strategy I came up with! Then, last night, I just started crying. I was angry all day and went out and walked for a long time. I have some teen things I am struggling with so my head is all messed up. I have so much going on inside of it. I also yelled at my mom yesterday, we were arguing and thats when I left and went outside. Then, I cried last night for hours because I am struggling with so much. I didnt text my friend because I hate to put so much on her. So, I was alone with it. I tell her everything, but I have one thing I havent told anyone, thats what I am struggling with. I dont know.
I have been doing so great from the Lyrica! I get dizzy and off balanced so I think I was walking along and stumbled into a huge black hole. So, now its a very low point. But, I know it will get better. I go to the doc soon so I am anxious.
Sorry this is way long. My head is all messed up....
Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 12/27/2007 1:02:43 PM (GMT-7)
I didn't realize that you were struggling so. I went through the same thing. I wasn't hugged or told that I was loved. I remember asking the same question only to hear "of course I love you" but not in a loving way, more harsh and of course no hug. My mother didn't even know the meaning of love. She was very selfish. But she had emotional problems to and alcoholism. Drug addiction.
But hon, that does come in time. You end up meeting different people, eventually there will be a boy in your life. I almost hate to see you growing up, I have gotten to know you and realize these days are coming. You have a lot of living to do. Just let it come as it will. Don't rush it. You are already seeming older than you are now. Just because you are so intelligent. Your parents do love you. They just aren't good at expressing it. But you will learn to in time. I went through the same thing. I didn't want anybody to get to know me at one time. I missed out on a lot by keeping to myself too much. I still don't have many close friends but the ones that I do have are good friends. That is what is so nice about the forum. You can be open because nobody really knows you.
Keep us posted, I hope that you feel better soon. Please don't worry, everything will be just fine for you. And when you are ready to talk about everything, we will be here.
(((sorry so long)))
Ok, I had to go do something, but I wanted to reply to your post Karen.
I think I have been struggling this whole time emotionally. I think that is why I dont feel I can talk to my parents. I have never had to 'talk' to them. I dont remember them ever hugging me. I used to kiss my dad on the cheek every night before I went to bed, but that was when I was little.
I do feel really alone. My parents have never held me and I feel like I have missed out. I know they really love me, but they have never shown it. Its really hard....I think it has alot to do with some of my problems. Because everything I am going through, I go through with no support from them. They known about the Fibro, but they have no idea about the mental stuff, and that is the hardest of all.
You said on a previous post that when I was ready to talk you guys would be here, I know you guys are here for me, but some things I am not sure I am allowed to post on here. I really wish I could though...I want you guys to know everything. If you all knew some things I think it would be better for me. I hate hiding things. I want someone to know so bad, but I have no one to tell. I told my friend everything, but even though she is there for me, I dont feel it. I always text her, and we never talk about it in person. Sometimes she asks if something is wrong, sometimes I am able to tell her what I am feeling, but most of the time not. I am just so scared of everything. I am scared of telling the truth. If people knew what was really going on in my head...I dont know....it scares me so much.
But, I want so bad to be able to tell someone what I am holding inside of me. I imagine me telling someone, I say it out loud to myself, I always start crying when I do it, but it is what I want to say, I imagine them starting to cry, then the person takes me in there arms and tells me everything will be ok, that they are there and are going to help me. They tell me I am safe and that I will be all better. In there arms I will feel safe, comforted, loved, and cared for. I will feel relieved that someone knows and someone wants to help me.
I cant wait for that to happen. I know a couple of people who could be the on, but I am not sure who to tell yet. I am waiting because I will know when the time is right, hopefully.
But, anyways, I guess I am just brainstorming. I am having a very hard time because I just want everything out, I want someone to know. I want someone to care. I want some to show me they care and help me. All of you provide that virtually, but I need it in person also....
I just hate that I have to hold everything in. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like I am all wrong on the inside. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for my great qualities! But, I dont know/think it is worth it.
I really appreciate all of you and I know you guys care so much for me. It means so much to me that you all are here and I can tell you things that I cant say out loud. I just wish I could tell you guys everything. I am not sure if it is against the rules or not so, I am not going to say anything right now....but if it is allowed, I would really like to tell you all a few things I have gone through.....
Anyways, I have alot to think about now. I need my quiet time so I can think, and most likely cry....but maybe I can make some sense out of some of it. And maybe figure out a way to tell someone. I am weighing the options of who I should tell. And I really need to think. I have so much in my head right now....talk to you all later....