New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Floppington
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 12/27/2007 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Just to give some backstory - I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Depression when I was 15, and have been coping using various methods since then. I'm female, 26 now, and in University, and have been off medication for about 4 years. I feel low or get nervous from time to time, and have the odd anxiety attack - usually at night. (I have very violent dreams and wake up with my body on high alert and this sometimes leads to a panic attack.) But overall I have been doing well without medication, learning to cope with anxiety and depression on my own.
Several months ago I started to feel a little sad. I've been through low periods before and thought that it was probably just a bump in the road and that I'd come out of it. But I haven't, and have been feeling progressively worse. I am going to see a psychiatrist again once school starts after the holidays. In the meantime I do have my family, who have always supported me, but my problem is that I don't feel right about leaning too heavily on them. Knowing that my trouble makes them worry makes me feel incredibly guilty about saying that I feel bad and need to talk. I worry that they are going to get tired or impatient with me, even though they never have. I don't want to put extra stress on them. I worry about turning to friends because I don't have enough faith that my current friendships can withstand the strain that depression can sometimes put on things. I know that I need to talk more openly about how I feel, and I was wondering if anyone else feels this way. Does anyone else worry or feel guilty about taking up people's time and energy by talking about yourself and how you feel? I don't want to isolate myself, but I find that since I feel so guilty about talking about how I feel (because it seems so selfish) that I avoid it altogether, which leads to feeling very alone and disconnected. Any advice?
 
-Flop

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/27/2007 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Please don't feel guilty about talking to your family. It sounds like they are very understanding. Guilt is like this tiny little culprit which underlies our depression. I spent most of my life feeling guilty about things and all it did was make me crazy. It takes up a lot of energy that we could use somewhere else. Besides your family probably doesn't mind you venting. It probably is easy for them to listen when you think you are burdening them, you aren't. open up to them. I am sure that you will feel better. Then start therapy when you can. It is always good to have an abjective ear. And in the meantime we are here for you so if you want to vent here, feel free. We welcome you. I love giving my opinion, sometimes too much,LOL

hugs,

getting by :)
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/27/2007 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
"You are not alone."
 
I have been feeling the same way. I dont talk to my parents though because they dont know what I am going through. I have tried talking to them and they dont seem to think its a big deal so they dont know about everything. I dont want to tell them really. A few things can happen if I tell them. My mom might say it is 'just a phase' and it will go away. She could say I am crazy and she is sending me away.(Which is what she said once before when I tried telling her). She could accept it and let me get help.(doubt it). Or she could start to worry about me.
 
I think it is ok for people to worry about me occasionally, but I hate pity parties. One of my teachers who stands in a group of two other ones, they know that I am on medication for Fibro (I take Lyrica); anyways, I see them several times a day and she always asks how I am doing and everything. Which I like, and I am also not used to that. No one has ever asked me how I felt, or how I was doing because they really wanted to know. She worries about me alot. She cares about me. I really appreciate that. But, if I am not smiling, which I used to always be doing, she thinks something is wrong, which there is always something wrong. One time my cheeks turned red and she fraked out! She said she had never seen them that red and thought somehting was really wrong! It was kind of funny to me, but I could tell she was really scared and worried. She always asks if it is my medication!
 
Sorry, getting off subject! I am afraid to tell people because I dont like people to worry about me. I dont like things being about me. I never think of myself first either.
 
But, I have only one person I can talk to, my best friend. But, I need to talk to her so much I feel guilty for putting her in that position. It seems like she gets tired of hearing it. I feel really guilty that I have made her my only person and if I am having a problem I have to go to her or no one. Going to no one usually has bad consequences so, I usually text her.
 
I know exactly how you feel. I always feel so disconnected from the world. Like I am so different and I have to watch from the outside. Which is actually sometimes good...but I would rather be in it. I almost always feel alone because I am the only one who knows what is going on in my head. I was born smiling....I have always smiled no matter what until when I was about 13, then all the pain set in. Thats when my fake "I am ok on the outside but dying on the inside" smile came out. I still have a fake smile too. I dont smile as much anymore either. I guess I am in my own world. Hopefully one day I can join in to the real world and be apart of things without feeling guilty.
 
Sorry this is so long. I have had a hard couple of days, and I couldnt figure out what to post about, but this post is part of the hardship I have been suffering from the past few days. I cried for hours last night and I decided I would not text my friend because I have put her through so much. So I know what it is like to feel guilty.
 
"You are not alone."
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Floppington
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 12/27/2007 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
They ARE understanding - depression and anxiety run in my family. But I always feel like I'm a burden because of it. I don't want to be a drain on anyone or bring other people down. But I hadn't really stopped to think that maybe the guilt is a part of the depression. I find it hard to correctly judge things because a lot of the time everything gets filtered through a whole mess of pre-existing bad feelings. It makes it difficult to know what's "real" and what's just in my head. You're right - the guilt and second guessing everything takes up a whole lot of energy. It's hard to change my thinking patterns. Talking right now is associated with guilt, so I have to try to break that. Maybe write it on my hand. "Talking is OK! Don't feel guilty!" Heheh. People might wonder about that though.

Floppington
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 12/27/2007 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Tennis - that's exactly how I feel. I don't have a lot of people that I am close to and I don't want to put everything on them. And like you I don't want to be pitied. But it is nice to know that people care. Outside of my family I no longer have anyone who knows about my depression/anxiety, so when I'm at school it gets pretty lonely, and I find I do have to put on an "I'm okay" face to get through the day.

I do think it's better to talk. I had two friends I used to be able to lean on, but one also suffers from depression and he isn't always the best help. The other friend knows us both, which made it complicated, and I feel like she's chosen to be there for him rather than me. (I DON'T think this is my imagination - she stopped returning calls and emails about two months ago, and then came into town to visit him and didn't tell me she was there) Time to find new friends maybe? I need to see if there is a support group for depression at my University.

It's okay to say what you need to. I've been having a hard couple of days as well!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/27/2007 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Just keep remembering you all have us here to listen to you. I really do think that guilt is a part of depression. And feeling alone. I spent most of my life feeling guilty. Once I was working a job and something had gone wrong on my day off. I still tried to find a way to figure it was my fault. So you can imagine how guilty I felt with my family. But they were the type to lay guilt trips on me. I always feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Do you guys feel that way? Then I realized my life is the 'anywhere' and I fit in there just perfect. I never was the type of person to want to hang out with others.

Tennis, what is up with this? I thought that your mom started understanding when she found out your diagnosis. Is she now being like she was before? I am so sorry to hear that. Well you know you have us. I am sorry that you got depressed during the holidays. How did it go?

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

hugs,

getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/27/2007 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   

My understands the Fibro, but she doesnt understand the things that come with it. I know two people personally who have it. One of which told me about it 2 years ago, she is the reason I found out about it! I have talked to her once about the depression and stuff. The other one my mom and I talked to when she found out I was taking Lyrica and had possibly been dx. I think she scared by mom to death when she was explaining the IBS she experienced and that I would probably too. She asked questions about it...I am not good talking like that, I told her I was normal, and my mom was standing there. I felt the anxiety go into overdrive. I do experience symptoms of IBS, I just havent told anyone.

But, my mom doesnt understand that Fibro doesnt just mean I am in pain, it comes with depression and all sorts of things. She knows because my dad showed her one of the Fibro sites, but I guess she just doesnt think that it is me. She wont accept that I am depressed and all the other stuff. Some things I cant say on here, but I will honestly tell you that it has gotten really bad before. Luckily, I talked to my friend, who had experienced similar things before. I was afraid at first until I learned how similar we are. So, I tell her everything and she understands. But, I have no one else to talk to about certain things, just her. Thats why I feel guilty.

I am not allowed to say everything on here so I talk to her. She understands what is going on with me and the things in my head. Luckily, I have gained control of the bad things, now I am just depressed. I wish my mom could understand that.

Maybe when I go back, my doc will explain everything to my mom, and I will have the courage to answer questions honestly. All docs seems to enjoy referring me to someone else, so maybe he will refer me to someone who specializes in Fibro, who knows. Although, I am pretty sure there isnt a doc here that does....

Anyways, maybe as I get older I can explain it more to her. Right now I am just trying to deal with it, even though I am alone in it, I have to stay strong until one day I can get it out. I know you guys are always here for me, but you can only do so much.

I dont like people to hug me, I have never really been hugged alot...but I almost wish I could tell one special person everything, we could both cry, and they would hold me, and comfort me and tell me that it will be ok. I imagine that special moment. I am just not sure who I will tell. I just wanted to be comforted. I have never had that really.

I guess that is kind of sad. I dont remember my parents ever hugging me. I know they love me, but they never say it. We are not really close. I remember one time when I was younger, I asked my mom if she really loved me. She said yes of course I love you. She didnt hug and comfort me and let me know she really meant it. I know she really does. All parents have unconditional love, but she never shows it, or says it.

Maybe that is part of my problem, I dont know. Sorry this is so long. I guess I am getting some of the really emotional stuff out....Thanks for listening to my venting.

Sorry I missed the part about the holidays. Christmas was good, but I felt really bad, I was not into it at all. I got everything I asked for...but I still wasnt happy. The past few days have ben horrible.

Christmas night was bad, I had to get my friend to talk to me. I always text her when it gets bad, then she tells me happy things. Its my strategy I came up with! Then, last night, I just started crying. I was angry all day and went out and walked for a long time. I have some teen things I am struggling with so my head is all messed up. I have so much going on inside of it. I also yelled at my mom yesterday, we were arguing and thats when I left and went outside. Then, I cried last night for hours because I am struggling with so much. I didnt text my friend because I hate to put so much on her. So, I was alone with it. I tell her everything, but I have one thing I havent told anyone, thats what I am struggling with. I dont know.

I have been doing so great from the Lyrica! I get dizzy and off balanced so I think I was walking along and stumbled into a huge black hole. So, now its a very low point. But, I know it will get better. I go to the doc soon so I am anxious.

Sorry this is way long. My head is all messed up....


"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."

Post Edited (TeNNiSd0C09) : 12/27/2007 1:02:43 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/27/2007 1:19 PM (GMT -7)   

Tennis,

I didn't realize that you were struggling so.  I went through the same thing.  I wasn't hugged or told that I was loved.  I remember asking the same question only to hear "of course I love you" but not in a loving way, more harsh and of course no hug.  My mother didn't even know the meaning of love.  She was very selfish.  But she had emotional problems to and alcoholism.  Drug addiction. 

But hon, that does come in time.  You end up meeting different people, eventually there will be a boy in your life.  I almost hate to see you growing up, I have gotten to know you and realize these days are coming.  You have a lot of living to do.  Just let it come as it will.  Don't rush it.  You are already seeming older than you are now.  Just because you are so intelligent.  Your parents do love you.  They just aren't good at expressing it.  But you will learn to in time.  I went through the same thing.  I didn't want anybody to get to know me at one time.  I missed out on a lot by keeping to myself too much.  I still don't have many close friends but the ones that I do have are good friends.  That is what is so nice about the forum.  You can be open because nobody really knows you.

Keep us posted, I hope that you feel better soon.  Please don't worry, everything will be just fine for you.  And when you are ready to talk about everything, we will be here.

hugs,

getting by


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/27/2007 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Aww you said you almost hate to see me grow up! You sound like my mom should! I might cry! Are you going to cry when I move out and go to college!! :D I will drop in later to explain the rest. I have to go for now!
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/27/2007 2:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Only if you stop posting Tennis. I will just have to learn to let the chick fly the coop. I will adjust. LOL.
hugs to you
Karen
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


Floppington
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 12/27/2007 4:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis - Sorry you are having a difficult time. I've never really liked being touched either. I'm not a "hugger". You know those people you see who always greet their friends with a hug and "Ohhhh! It's SO good to see you!!!" Yeah, that's not me at all. My Mum always tells me she loves me, and does try to hug me, and even now (I'm 26) I try to wriggle away. I appreciate her love though.
But sometimes I think it would be nice to let myself be hugged. My ex was always good at holding onto me when I was upset. He would hug me even if I didn't think I wanted to be touched, and eventually I would let go of whatever was bothering me and just let myself feel loved. I miss that now. (I miss him, actually) I think you will find that person, or several people, that you can confide in and who can comfort you - it will happen. I'm sort of looking for that, too. It can be tough because you want people to accept you for who you are, but when you're depressed it can be hard to get to know people, and even harder to let them see you when you are vulnerable and sad. I've been trying to let go of the thought that people are going to judge me or dislike me if I need help dealing with this, but I end up going back around to feeling guilty for needing support. Hard cycle to break.
 
-Flop

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/27/2007 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   

(((sorry so long)))

Ok, I had to go do something, but I wanted to reply to your post Karen.

I think I have been struggling this whole time emotionally. I think that is why I dont feel I can talk to my parents. I have never had to 'talk' to them. I dont remember them ever hugging me. I used to kiss my dad on the cheek every night before I went to bed, but that was when I was little.

I do feel really alone. My parents have never held me and I feel like I have missed out. I know they really love me, but they have never shown it. Its really hard....I think it has alot to do with some of my problems. Because everything I am going through, I go through with no support from them. They known about the Fibro, but they have no idea about the mental stuff, and that is the hardest of all.

You said on a previous post that when I was ready to talk you guys would be here, I know you guys are here for me, but some things I am not sure I am allowed to post on here. I really wish I could though...I want you guys to know everything. If you all knew some things I think it would be better for me. I hate hiding things. I want someone to know so bad, but I have no one to tell. I told my friend everything, but even though she is there for me, I dont feel it. I always text her, and we never talk about it in person. Sometimes she asks if something is wrong, sometimes I am able to tell her what I am feeling, but most of the time not. I am just so scared of everything. I am scared of telling the truth. If people knew what was really going on in my head...I dont know....it scares me so much. sad

But, I want so bad to be able to tell someone what I am holding inside of me. I imagine me telling someone, I say it out loud to myself, I always start crying when I do it, but it is what I want to say, I imagine them starting to cry, then the person takes me in there arms and tells me everything will be ok, that they are there and are going to help me. They tell me I am safe and that I will be all better. In there arms I will feel safe, comforted, loved, and cared for. I will feel relieved that someone knows and someone wants to help me.

I cant wait for that to happen. I know a couple of people who could be the on, but I am not sure who to tell yet. I am waiting because I will know when the time is right, hopefully.

But, anyways, I guess I am just brainstorming. I am having a very hard time because I just want everything out, I want someone to know. I want someone to care. I want some to show me they care and help me. All of you provide that virtually, but I need it in person also....

I just hate that I have to hold everything in. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like I am all wrong on the inside. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for my great qualities! But, I dont know/think it is worth it.

I really appreciate all of you and I know you guys care so much for me. It means so much to me that you all are here and I can tell you things that I cant say out loud. I just wish I could tell you guys everything. I am not sure if it is against the rules or not so, I am not going to say anything right now....but if it is allowed, I would really like to tell you all a few things I have gone through..... sad eyes

Anyways, I have alot to think about now. I need my quiet time so I can think, and most likely cry....but maybe I can make some sense out of some of it. And maybe figure out a way to tell someone. I am weighing the options of who I should tell. And I really need to think. I have so much in my head right now....talk to you all later....


"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 12/27/2007 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Crying is healthy hon, so let it all out if you feel you are in a safe place. Like in your room. It is cleansing.
love and hugs.
post again when you can, I care about you.
Karen
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


More
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/28/2007 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Flop
Hi im more . you said you dont know whats real or whats just in your head.What panic disorder were you diagnosed with when you were 15?would it be social anxiety or identity disorder?guessing.Im the same but all the time.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 4:42 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,236 posts in 301,285 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151390 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Clauddfin.
265 Guest(s), 7 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
George_, SpecialLady, Loutucky, getting by, Dan Embrey, Southern Comfort, Traveler


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer