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confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 12/27/2007 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello
  I went to the abortion clinic today. I saw the ultrasound. The baby was very tiny.. 7 weeks. (I thought I was earlier). I took the pill. I prayed that God would take my baby to heaven. I feel bad for what I did. I will always remember this day until I die. But I know at this time, it was the right decision. If anyone could give me support and understands I'd appreciate it. The father wasn't even my boyfriend, he was a random hookup. He doesn't want to take care of the baby. My parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I kept it. I know this was right. I just hope God forgives me and takes this baby to heaven so it can be happier there in a home where there's support. I know it would not have had a happy life here with my parents and father of the baby not supporting him/her. I know God will watch over him/her. I will miss my baby all my life. But I hope he/she is watching over me and knows that I did what was best for him/her. I am stronger from this experience and now I know how precious sex really is. It should not be something in my opinion used randomly for pleasure with someone you don't love. Thank you to all of you who have supported me through this.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 12/27/2007 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,
Thanks for posting. This is probably so hard for you right now, please try to relax. You may have some bleeding, did they tell you that. You will actually miscarry. But it isn't as bad. I hope that they went over everything with you. We are here for you, remember that. And you will be okay. I believe that your baby will go to heaven just like you do. God will take good care of him/her.

So please try to be relaxed and take care of yourself. Don't be hard on yourself because you did what was right for you at this time. That is all you can do. You are doing the very best you can. Now it is time to study hard in school. You know what you have to do so you can get that degree. You should focus hard on that now.

Keep us posted.

hugs,

getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 12/27/2007 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

I felt i needed to reply to you today although i havent done so earlier, i wanted you to come to your own decision and you did, no matter what anybody said to you. You have been so brave, i respect you for that. This is a depression forum and i think now is the time you will need it more than ever, please be strong and in time you will be at peace with youself, it was such a difficult thing you have just been through you will still be in turmoil and shock. Please know that EVERYONE on this forum is so caring and understanding, and in no way would stand in your way of any decision you make or try and spout of their beliefs! Please keep in touch, Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 12/27/2007 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much Gillcom and getting by. I know this is hard. I'm grieving the loss of my baby. His/her bday would have been 08-08-08! It would have been a great bday. I hope God looks over my baby. I hope one day I have the strength to not be sad about this, but I am sad. If there's anything you can give me for support I'm open to it. Take care!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 12/27/2007 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Confused - I've been thinking about you today. I was glad to see that you posted. I had revealed in your other thread that I, too, have had an abortion, and my oh my how things have changed! I wasn't given a pill, not even to relax me, before the procedure (suction dilation and curettage). I thought they were going to suck my insides out and was so scared!!!! You will bleed and will probably have some heavy cramping, probably twice as worse as your menstrual cramps. I'm sure they have gone over everything with you. I am 40 years old and still remember the day it was done 9/22. It will get easier, but it may also get harder when you have a child with the person you love (it did for me). Knowing the joy my children have brought me, it just made me think more and more about what I had done, even though, like you, it was the best thing at the time.

I'm here for you. If you are interested in emailing, you can post your email address in your control panel part, let me know it is there, and I will email you. I don't have mine there because it is my full name.

Just know, I'm here for you.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, and trazodone
 
Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me. (quote used with permission from "Tennis").


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 12/27/2007 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Please have no doubts in your mind, your baby will always be looked over by god. You will be sad i'm sure always but there will be a time in your life that it won't hurt so much, i lost a baby through miscarriage and i will always remember my husband saying don't dwell on it and i was so angry with him for saying that, i felt i was devasted but in truth it was really a strange feeling because i was greiving for something that i never knew or seen or held, i will never be able to describe that feeling but today i have 2 lovely healthy sons and i now feel what happened did happen for a reason. So please stay strong , Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 12/27/2007 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Confused,

just let yourself grieve now. It is normal, the more you get it out, the better. Just try to relax and cry if you need to, don't hold back. This is your grief period so go with it. You will be okay after you let it out. I promise.
Luv and hugs
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/27/2007 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi confused,

I didn't respond to your earlier posts even though I read them, because I didn't want to sway your decision at all. But now I want to come forward and help give you the support you will most certainly need during this time. I was in a situation much like yours several years ago. I am 23 now, but was 20 when I found out I was pregnant. I was in a relationship at the time, but it was a terrible one in which the father of the child was verbally abusive. He insisted that I have an abortion and said that if I didn't he would not be a part of the child's life in any way, other than monetarily, and that he would hate me for the rest of his life. I felt like I couldn't tell my parents about the pregnancy because they would be so disappointed in me and might disown me (my Father is a devout Catholic). In the end I know that it was my choice, but I didn't want to bring a baby into a world in which it wouldn't have every benefit it deserved. I was still in school and couldn't raise a baby myself unless I dropped out. I just didn't think it would be fair to the child. I also knew I would not be able to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. I took the same route you did and took the pill. I have to say that at the time the horrible physical feeling allowed be to block out the emotional consequences. Since you took the pill this morning you are probably past the worst of it now. I couldn't believe the pain! It was awful. Pamper yourself the next few days because you will be VERY crampy and bleed quite a bit. Make sure you stay hydrated and nourished because otherwise you will become weak.

I just want to say, I know what you are going through and I sympathize. This will be a very tough time, there's no way around it. I also thought about when my baby would have been born (May 15, 2005) and will think "My baby would be 2 years old right now." You will have thoughts like that, probably always will. I think about her (I always refer to my baby as her -- don't know why) in some way every single day. Don't ever let anyone, especially your parents, tell you that "It was your choice, get over it." You grieve for as long as you need to. Grieving proves that you are not just a heartless, thoughtless, careless person who does not value life. It is perfectly normal to feel sad, guilty, angry and every other emotion right now, so don't beat yourself up over it. In time, the emotions will be less intense and you will be able to forgive yourself and move forward with your life. Should this prove difficult, do not be ashamed to seek counseling. Most college campuses have counselors available. It may help you to just talk it through with an objective person (other than here on the internet). I sought counseling about 3 months after I had my abortion and just being able to voice my doubts, regrets, and fears really relieved some of the guilt. I had (and still have) a very big fear that God will punish me in some way by not blessing me with children in the future when I am ready for them. For this reason I also went to confession. Since you talk about God and wanting God to watch over your child, you might find confession beneficial as well. And of course God will watch over your child -- the baby was innocent and had a pure soul, and I think you know that.

I now know that if I was ever put in that same situation I could not do it again -- for that reason I am MUCH more careful about sex. I have only slept with one person since breaking up with the father of my child and that was only after I was close enough with him to share what had happened and discuss what would happen if we were in the same situation. I know you will be just as cautious, and some day you will find a man who will love you and whom you will be able to trust enough to share you experience with.

Have faith. You will get through this, and you must do whatever it takes to come out strong. If you ever need further support or have any questions, please let me know and I can give you my email address.

:-)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 12/27/2007 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi anxietyridden,
That was very kind of you. I am glad that you shared that with confused. She is probably going to need somebody like you right now. I have never had an abortion so I couldn't tell her just how it feels, I only could tell her what other people I know had been through. You are a wonderful person and I hope that she does email you. I really feel for her right now. Thank you from me for your compassionateness. Is that even a word? This really brings tears to my eyes, I know that she needs you now.
Luv and gentle hugs,
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/28/2007 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Confused, I know your decision was hard for you, but if you felt it was right, then I believe you did the right thing. You did what was best for your child. I believe your baby will go to Heaven and he/she will be watching over you. God will take good care of him/her. I do believe this has made you a stronger, better person. And you will get through it. I believe that one day you will be reunited with your baby. I know you are going through a very difficult time, but please make sure to take care of yourself. Dont be hard on yourself.
I am very proud of you that you made your own decision. You did what you thought was best. And you didnt let anyone influence your decision. I dont think there is anything I can say that would make you feel any better, but you did the right thing. You will always remember it, but remember that you did what was best. And also remember that even if you cant meet your baby now, you will some day. Giving he/she up now doesnt mean you are giving them up forever. He/she will always be watching over you.
I hope that it gets better. I hope you can return to school and get your grades up and get your degree. You will start to live your life. I hope someday that you meet the right person. And that you can have a family. You are a very strong person.
Best wishes
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


spaceytracey72
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 12/28/2007 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
You are in my prayers. You what you had to do and you did it. That took courage. Now it is okay to remember, but you can't dwell on it or look back. Never forget the baby or the lesson, but you did this so you can move forward with your life. Don't let this hold you back! It is good that you feel grief, it is healthy to want to remember, but the grieving must end eventually, but please do not forget the lesson in this. Everything happens for a reason, and you can usually find something good in a bad situation. The good is the lesson you learned and that you should not take anything for granted. I hope your parents grow to love and support you unconditionally, and I hope they are there for you through this tough time.
I am praying for you, and try to look ahead, not behind.
I had 2 miscarriages and I always wonder "what if?" and I always will. It did get easier with time, and I am sure it will for you as well.
HUGS!!!

Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 12/28/2007 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

How are you? I have been thinking about you the past couple off days, please drop a line to let us know how you are, Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


aoccc
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 455
   Posted 12/28/2007 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
hope you are feeling well! :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 12/28/2007 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

Just wanted you to know that we are all thinking about you at this time.
Hope that you are feeling well.

Love and hugs,
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/28/2007 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Confused,

I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Best wishes
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/28/2007 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi confused,

Have been thinking about you today, I hope you are doing OK and have made it through this without too many complications - physical or otherwise. I hope you have not posted because you are taking this time to pamper yourself. Please let us know how you are doing when you get a moment. I'm sending good thoughts your way!

confusedgirl22
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 228
   Posted 12/29/2007 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone. I just wanted to say thank you for your support and prayers. They really mean ALOT to me. Yesterday I went through the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. The cramps were horrible for 8 hours. The bleeding was also intense. This morning I felt nauseous but no cramps. I am feeling so much better today. My baby is in my thoughts and prayers. The father of the baby didn't even call or email me to ask how I was doing. That makes me sad. But I know the baby is hopefully in heaven now. I will definately see a counselor when I go back to school since I am emotionally hurt by this. Thank you all again for your support!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 12/29/2007 12:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

I am so happy that you feel better today. Just try to stay relaxed and pamper yourself so you can rest up for college.

I am glad that you will be able to see a counselor when you go back to school. That is very important.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Luv and hugs,

getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


spaceytracey72
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 12/29/2007 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad that the physical pain is a little better today. I hope that someone is there with you for support and help! It is good that you are seeing a counselor. HUGS!!!

Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 12/29/2007 2:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Confused,

I am glad you are feeling slightly better today, are your parents with you at this time? How have they been with you since you went to the clinic on thurs? I hope they are supporting you through this difficult time, take care, you are so brave, Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 12/29/2007 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Confused,

I am glad it is better today. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are strong!

Take Care of Yourself
Dx: Tendonitis(L knee 02'), Chondromalacia Patella(R knee 02'), Fibromyalgia (07'), Plantar Fascitis(L foot Nov.04' erased with surgery July 05')
Not Dx: Depression, Anxiety/Panic Attacks, Social Phobia, Mild OCD

Meds tried: all the OTC stuff, Mobic, and Lyrica.
"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"If I talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


anxietyridden
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 171
   Posted 12/29/2007 10:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi confused,

I am glad you're filling better physically today. Those cramps are just out of this world aren't they? Awful, awful, awful. Glad you're through that part. I hope you have some sort of emotional support in place right now, perhaps your grandmother and/or the friends you told who were supportive? I'm happy to know you will seek counseling once you get back to college. I think it will really be good for you. Remember to take the time you need to grieve, but don't let it consume you. My offer to email stands, just let me know. I'm still sending positive thoughts your way!
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