I’m sorry to post again so soon. I just feel like there isn’t anywhere else I can go at the moment.
Since my sister left things have spiralled out of control. I thought surely they’d get better, since she is one of my family who have enjoyed “Jordan bashing” as it as been labelled (substituting my real name) in the past – but having her not here has just resulted in things getting worse. My family life is now spiralling insanely out of control. The friend that I would normally turn to for a distraction or a place to go is gone to Europe for a month. My other friends are all busy working. I’m working as well, but they are taking forever to train me and so I don’t have many shifts.
I’ve been trying to stay out of the house even just for walks but my mother has been calling me obsessively demanding to know where I am and with who and telling me I have to come home.
I’m supporting two friends who have depression and neither of them realise that I have been diagnosed with it, GAD and panic attacks. My GAD has been getting worse and I’m really starting to struggle to hold it together for the first time since I found out one of my best friends had passed away earlier this year.
I’ve been to a psychologist before, but only because it was free since I cannot afford it professionally and it didn’t work at all. I know she was probably just ‘not the right one for me’ but now I’m not in a position to get free counselling. Really, what I need is to get out of home. The problem is I can’t do that. I have barely any income, my bank account is almost empty, and I can’t afford not to have financial support for University which is an opportunity that I have worked for and don’t want to lose.
I don’t qualify for any scholarships and I can’t bring things out into the ‘open’ because my brother, the only decent family member I have, has no idea about what goes on at home, and I don’t want to lose him. I love him so much, and I know it seems strange that someone I care about so much would not give me his support if he realised what goes on, but he has a very strong sense of family loyalty and I am only one quarter of his family.
I don’t know what I expect from this. I’m just mental and physically exhausted. I just can’t handle it all anymore and I feel like I just need to get away from everything. I feel trapped, essentially.
Thank you for letting me rant, I think it helped a little.