I’m sorry to post again so soon. I just feel like there isn’t anywhere else I can go at the moment.
Since my sister left things have spiralled out of control. I thought surely they’d get better, since she is one of my family who have enjoyed “Jordan bashing” as it as been labelled (substituting my real name) in the past – but having her not here has just resulted in things getting worse. My family life is now spiralling insanely out of control. The friend that I would normally turn to for a distraction or a place to go is gone to Europe for a month. My other friends are all busy working. I’m working as well, but they are taking forever to train me and so I don’t have many shifts.
I’ve been trying to stay out of the house even just for walks but my mother has been calling me obsessively demanding to know where I am and with who and telling me I have to come home.
I’m supporting two friends who have depression and neither of them realise that I have been diagnosed with it, GAD and panic attacks. My GAD has been getting worse and I’m really starting to struggle to hold it together for the first time since I found out one of my best friends had passed away earlier this year.
I’ve been to a psychologist before, but only because it was free since I cannot afford it professionally and it didn’t work at all. I know she was probably just ‘not the right one for me’ but now I’m not in a position to get free counselling. Really, what I need is to get out of home. The problem is I can’t do that. I have barely any income, my bank account is almost empty, and I can’t afford not to have financial support for University which is an opportunity that I have worked for and don’t want to lose.
I don’t qualify for any scholarships and I can’t bring things out into the ‘open’ because my brother, the only decent family member I have, has no idea about what goes on at home, and I don’t want to lose him. I love him so much, and I know it seems strange that someone I care about so much would not give me his support if he realised what goes on, but he has a very strong sense of family loyalty and I am only one quarter of his family.
I don’t know what I expect from this. I’m just mental and physically exhausted. I just can’t handle it all anymore and I feel like I just need to get away from everything. I feel trapped, essentially.
Thank you for letting me rant, I think it helped a little.
Just a quick thought for you. The others are right, you could call around and ask about sliding scale fees. However, you mentioned your University. Are you currently a student there? I believe that most colleges/universities have counselors there. And depending upon the school you are at they may or may not have someone on staff that could prescribe as well. Either way, you should at least look into the counseling part. And I'm sure that whoever is there could at least provide helpful information on where you could go to see a doctor for medication or lower cost medication.
Also, I know that you mentioned that you don't have many shifts yet at work. Until your hours build up, is there somewhere you could go (depdending upon your health) for a few extra hours a week to volunteer and keep you out of your stressful home environment? Or perhaps you could even spend more time at your local library either doing homework and picking out interesting book(s) to read. This way you could be more relaxed and take care of yourself physically as well.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Just checking in to see how your doing... I too picked up on the university thing. I am a student at university (in the UK) and there are loads of financial and mental health services offered free to students in order to help them through life. It might be worth talking to them and seeing what is available
Thanks so much for taking the time and effort to check in with us. We really appreciate it. We become like a little family here and when someone has a problem and then we dont here from them, its difficult for us not to worry! Im glad your ok though. Hope to hear from you soon!
Well I recently got accepted into a really good Uni. Great right? Hmm...well I did the usual 'it's fantastic, I'm stoked' thing but frankly I didn't feel anything. I went there on Monday for some intro lectures and still nothing. No excitement, no happiness. I feel detached from EVERYTHING. It's scaring the crap out of me and frankly I feel like I'm missing out on these awesome life experiences that everyone loves at the moment.
I feel very alone since one friend I accidentally told about my depression and anxiety while drunk has left to go around Aus with very little contact with me, and the other who I decided to tell went away for a month – and she’s due back any day – but now I’ve chickened out.
I’m really sick of this…REALLY sick of it. I’m sure all you guys are too.
Sorry to rant again,