New Here-Need advise badly

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lostandlonely3
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 12/31/2007 6:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,
I have been very depressed about something that I have done and keep doing. I have been having an affair with a man on and off for 11 years. I am married. When we first started he wasn't, but now he is. We have been friends since we were 18. I have always loved him. I would leave my husband for him, but he won't leave his wife. When we start up, it never lasts for long, because the guilt gets to me. Then when something goes wrong with my marriage, I turn to him again. He says that he loves me but I know deep down that if he did, he would be with me. My husband used to be very mean, but in the last couple of years, he hasn't been. I know that he doesn't deserve to be cheated on and I do love him, just not the way that I love the other guy.I cannot confess to my husband, because it would kill him and I don't know what he would do to me or to the other guy. I can't talk to anyone about this. I have given the other guy ultimatums, where I tell him that he will never see me again, but it hasn't worked. I think that he does care for me, just not as much as I care for him. I am so hurt. Please help me. I need some advise.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 12/31/2007 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there L&L,

I can relate to what you are saying.  I had an affair for many years and my late husband never found out.  He was mean to me too.  Kept me under his thumb like a tack.  I loved the guy too and I know that he loved me but he had kids all over the place and finally remarried his first wife, it was a strategic move for a financial break from child support.  But I know he loved his kids.  If he would have been with me he would have had to pay child support out of the you know what.  Basically the point I am trying to get accross is people can love more than one person.  But the other woman, aka you, are always going to be last.  I am sorry to say that but it is true, especially if there are children involved. 

After my husband died of cancer, we never did hook up again.  I met somebody else eventually and kind of forgot about the guy.  So life does go on and people change.  Just be glad that you didn't get caught, this might be something that was meant to be for a while so that you would feel good about yourself.  Who knows.  I know one thing, don't let yourself feel guilty for haveing someone be good to you and show you love, you probably needed that.  But please be careful, you don't know what your husband would do and now that he is being nice to you,(and I hope he sincerely is) maybe you will fall back in love with him. 

These temporary affairs are what they are, temporary.  You know that the man loves his wife and that is that.  I am sure he loves you to but isn't going to leave his wife.  So please don't think badly of yourself, just store it away with other good memories.

I wish you the best,

hugs,

getting by


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 12/31/2007 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   
L&L,
I forgot to welcome you to the Healing well forum. I hope that you can find the answers that you need here. You will probably get a lot of responses. Post any time, we are here for you.
hugs
getting by
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/31/2007 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello and welcome to Healing Well.  I am Kitt.
 
I do understand your problem and I have lived it myself, however I fianlly figured out that the person getting hurt the worst was myself. 
 
You may feel you love this person but if that was how you both felt you would have left your husband and somehow  chosen each other before your lover married.  I am not judging you as I did a lot worse, but there is a time when you stop and realize your in love with the idea of love.
 
Sometimes we stay with someone because they are safe, your husband has been your safety net as you were able to go to the other man for excitement and sympathy when you were upset with your husband but you did not divorce him as your lover was not offering you security..........am I close on that one?  I may be way off base. eyes
 
I am very concerned that you are so sad and it may be time to end the relationship for good with the boyfriend and start learning to make your marriage better. :)
 
Now I am going to say what I would do and if others feel different, so be it, this is not a debate but just me. I would not tell your husband as all it can do is hurt him................if you end the relationship, it is over and you keep to yourself your mistake.  You are the only one that can forgive yourself for poor judgement and hurting someone else at this point would not ease your guilt.
 
IMHO I would see a counselor for yourself to, just to help you learn how to deal with your feelings.

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of Healing Well  and still being able to be anonymous. I hope you keep posting and I wish you peace as we move into the New Year.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 
 

 
 
Co-Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Co-Moderator Crohn's Disease Forum
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 1/1/2008 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there,

I think you need to do what is best for yourself as you are obviously getting distressed by the situation. My advice would be to make a choice who you want to be with and let the truth set you free. Secrets fester away at the back of your mind and cause all sorts of problems and can cause a deterioration in your physical and mental health.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 1/1/2008 2:58 PM (GMT -7)   
lostandlonely,
 
I agree with a lot of the advice Kitt has given you.  I definitely think it is time to end the affair.  If this man had wanted to be with you, he would have done so by now.  It sounds like now may be the time to try to salvage your marriage.  Even if your marriage doesn't work out, you don't need this other person in your life.  I definitely think you need to see a therapist to help you work through all of this.
 
By the way, welcome to HealingWell!
 
Carla

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/1/2008 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey lostandlonely3

How are you today? Darren is right, you need to do what is best for you and we are here to support you.

Just dropping by to check on you.

Kitt


 
Co-Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Co-Moderator Crohn's Disease Forum
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression, GERD, Osteoarthritis
*Wife of a Crohnie*
******www.healingwell.com/donate***
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


lostandlonely3
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/2/2008 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Kitt,

I will be seeing him tomorrow and ending it for good. It is going to be hard,(on me) but I know that I have to do it. I knew what I had to do, I just needed someone else to tell me also. It is hard to love someone and not be loved back the way you want to be. I did leave my husband twice and give the other guy a chance to be with me if that's what he wanted, but he never wanted me I guess. Anyway, I am ok. Will let you know how it goes.

 

Thanks,

Lost and Lonely


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 1/2/2008 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Lost and Lonely,

I hope it's an easy break today.  Please know that we are here for you whenever you need us.  You deserve more than what this person has been willing to give you.

Big Hugs!

Carla

 


Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 1/2/2008 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
You are doing the right thing. We are here for you whenever you need us.

Karen
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


lostandlonely3
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/3/2008 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi everybody,

I did end it today. He said that he loved me but didn't want his wife to take everything away from him (in a divorce). I said that he didn't love me enough then. So that was that. I am sad but I will be all right. It is for the best, I know. Thanks to everyone for your help.

 

Lost and Lonely


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 1/3/2008 12:22 PM (GMT -7)   

I am glad that a decision has been made. I can only imagine how much it must hurt at the moment, but as you say it will pass and you will be able to carry on with your life. We are here if you need to talk.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 1/3/2008 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
You were very strong to do what you did.  Please know that we will continue to be here for you.  I know it has to be painful.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus

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