Please don't feel like a failure, you are not. You just might have to change what it is you want to do. And remember you have that chance of going back next year.
All or nothing thinking stops us from realizing the options in the grey areas. The in between areas I guess I should say. Look at the positive things that you have accomplished. You have come a long way. It is not the end of the world. You have other options, try to see it that way. You wont feel so helpless in that way.
Try to put the bf out of your mind, that could be what is interupting your studies. He will be there for you eventually, but you have to be there for yourself now and negative thinking will not help that. Think of the positives and your head will clear. I promise. If your boyfriend can't handle you venting, then either quit venting with him or find someone else who will listen. Like a therapist.
But seriously, you have to put all you have into college right now, that is what you are paying for, to learn. If you keep letting your bf distract you, you are wasting your time in school. Please understand, you have your whole life ahead of you. Your bf doesn't make who you are, you do.
Good luck, keep us posted as to how you are doing. Keep studying, your social life can be put on hold until you accomplish what it is you are trying to do.
Luv and hugs,
Firstly I wanted to congratulate you on passing your re-exam. It must have been very nerve-racking being sat in there knowing this was effectively your last stab at the dream.
Secondly, You have described this as 'the dream' a number of times which suggests to me that this is probably quite important to you. Now that you have done all the hard work to stay in, it seems daft to say I dont want to go back. Sometimes these things are hard and you get knocked off your horse. But you have to dust yourself down and get back in the saddle... otherwise you could be sat on your backside a long time waiting for the next horse. If you didnt go back, have you an idea as to what you would do instead?
You cannot blame your hubby for making you depressed. It just sounds to me like you don't understand bipolar issues. Have you ever thought of therapy to learn how to understand it better? Bipolar has a combination of highs (manic behavior) and lows, sever depression. It sounds like your husband is going through the highs right now. I really would suggest reading about it or talking to somebody who can help you to understand it. I wish I was more help. Do an internet search and see what you can come up with. Have you visited the bipolar forum? That would be an excellent place to ask questions.
I know that it is hard to live with, my mother was bipolar and her moods just snapped. It can get frightening for the other person also. I wish you luck with this. Is he getting any help? Does he talk to somebody or take medications for it?
Keep posting I am sure that somebody will come along with some answers for you.