Feeling frutrated

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

EmotionallyExhausted
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/14/2008 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello, I have mixed feelings about help forums but I need to talk and I have a hard time explaining what I have to say. I have been married for 10 years and my wife and I have 3 children. I am faced with confronting my wifes depression and I am admitting that I do not know how to handle it. I am blaming myself for not doing anything sooner to help her. I have always been the type of person to say suck it up, brush it off and go on with your business. I have learned the hard way that this does not work with depression. I was blind to my wife's symptoms. I seriously thought she was just being mean to me and the kids. I am starting to realize my selfish ways and to see that she cannot control these actions. I really want to help my wife but I guess I need help knowing where to start. She never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I try to tell her that we just need to get out of the house and do something but all I get is yelled at. She is always telling me how worthless I am and that she is going to leave. Up until now I truly believed she was just saying these things to hurt me. I know she needs help but she won't let me help her. I have sacrificed everything that I was for her because she couldn't stand me having friends. I stopped hanging out with my friends, stopped doing anything separate from our life together. It is to the point where all I do is go to work, come home and basically sit there. She accuses me of lying and cheating while I am at work. When there is a problem that we need to talk about, I feel like I can't say anything without her flying off the handle and yelling and screaming at me. This automatically puts me in the defensive and I start to yell back. I hate yelling and I don't want this to sound the wrong way but this has been going on for several years and my patience is starting to wear thin. She will not go to the doctor because she thinks we cannot afford it. I tell her different but it is not working. I really want to help her. Please, I am so exhausted from this. There are no breaks from it. I can't get away from it because she insists that I spend every minute of every day with her, so thats what I do. What should I do?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 1/14/2008 1:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I would say to try to be there for her, let her know that you love her and try to convince her to go to counseling.

Other than that, you can't force someone to get help if they don't want to, but being she thinks that money is the issue, tell her that it isn't and that you want her to get help.

I am sure that others will come along with some better advise for you.
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 1/14/2008 1:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I am no expert, but the first thing I would advise is to find someone to talk to for YOU. The way you describe your wife's behavior, it seems to me that you have lost some of yourself in trying to accomodate her. You shouldn't have to give up your friends and interests. It sounds like your wife is very insecure and that she has some deep seated pain - and the depression is just a symptom of that - and she really needs help. But you cannot save her and it's not your job to. You are there to love her, but you also need to take care of yourself so that you don't sink with her in the waters of her depression.


Your wife sounds unreasonably controling and no one should have to live like that. You might want to read a book by Townsend and McCloud on Boundaries. I don't remember the exact title, but it's a pretty well known book. Probably would come up if you google it. You say she insists you spend every moment with her so you have to. But Dr. Phil says we treat people how to treat us. Why do you feel she is able to control you like that? If you said "no" and walked away - would she get angry and follow you? Well, you have a choice: shut the door. Or go out with the kids. Or tell her "You need to respect my personal space. I need some time alone." If she doesn't agree, just keep repeating that to her. NOw that's just what I would do. However, I don't know your wife personally. But I do believe that you have a choice. YOu don't have to let her anger and negativity manipulate you anymore into doing whatever she wants. IF SHE IS UNHAPPY IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IF SHE IS UNHAPPY IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IF SHE IS UNHAPPY IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I've had depression too in various degrees, and my husband always felt responsible. And he would bend over backwards trying to make me happy. He just coudln't understand that it wasn't about him. But it really wasn't. I had to find my own way out of the personal pain I felt inside. Now he has learned to just love me but to take space when my issues are too much for him, and I have learned that it is not his responsibility to make me happy. I know he loves me and that is what counts.

Obviously, you love your wife very much, and I'm sure she doesn't want to behave the way she is, and yeah, some things maybe she can't help. So she does need help. But first I think you need to take care of you. Because if you allow her issues to drain you, then you've got nothing left to help her with, or yourself. Like your name, you'll just remain emotionally exhausted if you dont' take care of you.

I hope for you that you can get some things going on in your life that will make you happy again. If you have hobbies, picking them up again. |Calling some of your old friends. And if your wife doesn't like it, you can just reassure her it doesn't mean you love her less, but that these thigns were a part of the man she loved and married, and they still are, and they do not mean you love her any less. You need to build yourself up.

As for getting your wife help, there are resources out there that don't cost money. Sometimes I think I have used money as an excuse not to get help because I was just too scared to. Maybe your wife is scared. But what if you can find yourself some help - therapy can also be covered or maybe a local mental health worker to meet with would be covered? I don't know. ONe of the mods. may know where to locate resources. But I really think you need support, and then from there you, and whomever you are working with could likewise help you locate some help for your wife, but of course, she needs to be willing to admit she needs help. Her behavior towards you isn't right and she needs to stop controling you like that. And you need to also stop enabling her by doing what she wants you to do. You deserve better than that.

From experience, she won't like it if you start setting boundaries for yourself, and she will probably make a huge fuss, load on the guilt, get angry etc., but I have found over time, people come to accept and respect those boundaries/choices if truly they want to make the relationship work.

Hope you can find someone good to talk to soon. Having said all that, I think it's great that you have come to see your wife does need help. Just bucking up doesn't work - you're right. The compassion and understanding you have gained for her is wonderful, and if you can respond to her pain with empathy, and compassion, looking past her anger and hurt , she may also start to trust you more, feel safer and like she can be softer with you. So you can start working on keeping cool, and just telling her you love her and are so sorry she is hurting and other times when it's about you needing space, you can do that also, but at the same time, learn to be firm and stand up for yourself in a respectful way.

Eventually you may want to both get in counseling together to try to change your dynamics in relating. I'm sure she must be craving your understanding, and I encourage you to offer that, but not to the point that you allow her to control your choices.

Anyone's patience would be wearing thin by now. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It doesn't mean you have failed as a husband. It means you're human, and actually, I think it's a good sign that you have come to this point, because now you are truly ready to get help for yourself and your family.

You obviously love and care for your wife and children very much which is why you posted here. Reaching out is a huge step towards getting help and seeing positive change come.

all the best, mb

Post Edited (manyembers) : 1/14/2008 1:40:42 PM (GMT-7)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/14/2008 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
You have been given some excellent advice thus far.
I have some great info that I found on the net,hopefully that will help you.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

www.rd.com/content/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5014_qa.html
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 1/15/2008 2:55 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell,

Living with someone who suffers from depression can be very hard and trying at times. You are certainly not alone in this one as there are many people here on HW that have wives that suffer from depression. If she wont let you help her, then will she let a doctor? Perhaps starting a course of meds followed by talk therapy would be benificial to her?

Please keep talking to us and keep us up to date

Darren

P.S Manyembers, who is this magic Dr. Phil I keep hearing about? I am British so I am guessing it is someone on US TV.


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


EmotionallyExhausted
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/15/2008 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for the responses to my issues. You hit the nail on the head because I was feeling guilty to want time for myself. I knew within myself that I need personal space but she doesn't see things the way I do. I will somehow convince her to seek help outside of myself because we already established that she does not want my help. In the meantime I will be looking for someone who could counsel us through these difficult times. Again I want to thank you all for the advice and I will keep you updated with our progress.

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 1/15/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi E,

Good for you. Sometimes we just need others to validate what we are feeling. I'm glad you posted here and we could help you see you don't need to feel guilty for time for you. :-) Keep us posted on how things go.

lol Darren! Dr. Phil is a talk show host in the U.S. ...he has some good one liners for relationships. I used to watch him a lot, but havn't in about a year because his show has become so sensationalized now. Too bad, but I still remember some good tips and I always thought he was right about 'you teach people how to treat you.' The other thing he said was that in a marriage certain things are 'deal breakers' and he was saying that if a spouse has an addiction they won't get help from, then there are three people in the marriage - you, your spouse and the addiction. So I think that was a deal breaker in his books. If some of his older shows are available on the net, they can be worth watching. I really didn't think he would have gone so over the top - most of his shows now seem to just be feeding on people's carnal nature in my opinion - and I don't know if they are helping people so much now or just getting people addicted to the drama by having such extreme guests/topics on now. Anyway, that's my two cents on the Dr. Phil show.

all the best, manyembers

asyouknow
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/15/2008 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Emotionexausted,
I haven't got married but I had a girlfriend before I came with this devil. From a patient's perspective, I guess it must be a daunting thing to keep in touch with a depressant and this is supposed to be the reason she left me alone. However, what I want to
tell you is that it is love that makes the world go around, especially in the dealing with depression. You can use every way to show your love and willingness to support her. Jokes and stories are fine but what she most cares may be other than that. Hold her in your arms firmly and listen to her. Let her tell her inner fear in a slow pace. Another constructive advise is to bring your friends home. You can expain to your friends about your wife's situation in advance and let them show their understandings. Then a party in your home may be brilliant for both you and her. Remember she is permitted to stay alone if she feels tied. Try to build an easy environment for her. What's more, music heals our sipirits in a magic way. Doing something from the most entertaining things.
Hope you well!

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 1/15/2008 9:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi asyouknow,

It is nice to see you here on the forums. I wanted to say that I think you are so very right about music. Music is a very good and powerful help for depression and other things. My husband is a musician and has recorded some music cd's and many people who are depressed have told him how much the music helped them. He writes peaceful calming music. It helps me too. So that was a great thing to suggest and something I am sure many people on the forum would agree about. Music is so good for helping to change how we feel (lifting our spirits_ and to make the atmosphere feel lighter and happier too. I like how you said it "Music heals our spirits."

best wishes, manyembers

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 1/16/2008 11:14 AM (GMT -7)   

You guys are so right,

Music does heal.  I listen to music most of the time.  It always makes me feel better, unless it is a sad song.  Then sometimes I cry, but that is healing too.  I hope everybody gives music a try when they are feeling depressed.

hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 7:56 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,316 posts in 301,103 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151244 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Wedge.
386 Guest(s), 16 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Nana 2, George_, TOOTY, magoo2, Charmed3, ChickNorris, pressurehead, InTheShop, FLBeachgal, Poppie, bdavis, BostonMarigold, iamamess, poopme, julymorning, LanieG


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer