Playing Russian Roulette

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Getting there
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 1/19/2008 7:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I know I have been playing russian roulette with my lfe but I cannot help it. I take all these meds yet I have turned to alcohol to deal with the pain. I can hardly keep my eyes open to type this. \children services came already cause in june last year i drank a whole bottle plus meds and ended in the hosp. i again tke up to 8 percocts plus other meds and again in the hospital my heart rate was in the 40's, i convinced them i was not trying to kill myself and altho they wanted me to stay in hosp i did not cause i did not want child services to come again.
 
today i officially gave up. i cannot pretend anymore, i cannot try anymore. it bothers me that i have such great potential but it has amounted to nothing. i have been trying to get backnto be independent but i have been fooloing myself...so today i have officially given uo. i am tired of this because it has been all of my life. i first took valium when i was ten yrs old, suffering from depression and anxiety from all that abuse and abandonment. i want to get away from all this pain but i wont wilfully kill myself. there is the sneaky fear tho that i might end up doing myself in accidentally.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/19/2008 8:08 PM (GMT -7)   

Getting there,

Please stop what you are doing and think about your daughter.  I just met you and I don't want to lose you.  Remember how it was such a coincidence about the book and the things that we both like.  I am going to get a moderator to write some numbers down for you to call.  You need to get help.  You are a good person in a hard situation but you are trying the best that you can.  I care about you.  I WANT YOU TO BE OKAY.

Luv and hugs

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


Getting there
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 1/19/2008 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
karen, thnks. i wont drink anymore for tonight. i need more than meds but cannot pay for it. my psych told me he can do nothing more for me than prescribe meds. the govt pays them so we are just regarded as minutes. myy daughters father and his relatives are in toronto so i am thinking its best i move closer to them for her benefit. what do you think? her dad cares about her but not to crazy about me. we were at odds but i put pride on the shelf and called him this week and told him i needed him to help raise her. he said i should move back. i moved here 7 yrs ago from there but we are alone here. altho i didnot grow ith my dad i know he was an alocoholic till he died at 52 so for many many years i did not touch alcohol.

thanks karen i need to stick it out for my girl but i also need to face reality that things have changed and i wont be able to work as i used to. that is what bothers me the most...not accepting. i need to accept it in a healthy way.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/19/2008 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Getting There,

I am so glad that you wrote back, you had me scared there for a while.  I never knew my dad either.  He didn't care, he had kids all over the place.  I have half brothers and sisters that I haven't even met. 

I didn't drink for years either.  I have a beer now and then, but take too much medication for anything more.  My mother was an alcoholic too.  That was one of the reasons that I didn't drink.  I also didn't have kids because of her.  Well it was my decision but, I was afraid I would turn out like her.  She really neglected her kids bad when she drank.  She would put them in a closet and tell them to stay there while she went to the bars.   I didn't even know her when I was little because they put her into the mental hospital and took the kids away.  Then she got out had me and my sister, then before my sister was born she got put back in the hospital and my sister and I met for the first time back in 1993.  We were in our thirties by then. 

I don't want them to take your little girl away from you.  You would be devastated Dor.  So keep trying to hang in there.  Do you want to move back by your ex?  Would it make it easier for you being you have fibro?  Does he help you out financially?  I sure hope so.

Do you see a therapist?  I see a psychiatrist and psycologist.  The psychiatrist prescribes the meds, but the psycologist talks to me for an hour.  She has helped me so much in this past year.  It might help if you have somebody to talk to.  They can be so encouraging, if they are good.

I hope you feel better.  Remember I am here for you. 

Luv and hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


Getting there
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 1/19/2008 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
hi karen thaks for responding. there is so nmuch pain in this world..re your mother and what she did and what others have done. i should not have had children but i did so its my responsiblity to make a better life for them. i dont have any one to talk to...just the psychiatrist. a psychologist charges 130$/hr so of course i cannot afford it, even the hosp told me they do not have the resources to treat me....aint that something. im gonna sleep this off and hopefully feel better tomorrow. thanks for bearing with me.
D

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/19/2008 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey,
anytime.
Luv and hugs,
I really care about you, I hope you feel better.
Karen
fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/20/2008 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Getting There

5 years ago,I was right where you are.
I was on several different types of meds,and was overtaking them because I was feeling that I could not cope.
Then I started drinking myself to sleep basically. I didn't eat,I cried all of the time. I quit my job because I just could not handle it.

You are in a major depression rut,and the only way that you are going to get out of it is getting help.
It is hard,and I know that you feel that no one can help you. But they can!

I wish I would have found this forum back then,then at least I would have known I was not alone with my thoughts and actions.

You have a life that you are responsible for,and all decisions that you make from here on out are going to affect her life and your own.

I am a firm believer that in order to get better we have to change our environment. Meaning,if your every day life is not helping you to get better,then you are going to have to think about ways to change that.. I am not sure what because I do not know your situation....only you do.

Please use this site to vent,we will try to be here for you as much as we can.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/20/2008 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi getting there,

I want to say good morning but I slept until the afternoon, so good afternoon.

I hope that you are feeling better today.  I know this is a difficult time for you right now.  But as Shy said, come here to talk anytime.  I am on and off a lot, so I should be able to respond if you want. 

Also as Shy said, you are just finding a way to cope, that is natural.  I feel that I have done the same thing, just trying to feel better, but I am tired of being in a stupor from drugs and alcohol.  I use to drink daily and take pain meds to try to feel better, I never took too many anti-depressants because I was afraid of running out.  I know I would be in a mess if that happened.  But I don't have a child like you do, she needs her mom.  You are responsible for her wellbeing, and she depends on you for that.  I know she loves her mom and wants her to be here for her.  You are so special, I really like you a lot.  And I want to be able to continue this friendship.  We just have so much in common.  It is kind of like we were meant to meet on here. 

So keep posting and so will I.  There are so many people here who understand.  I know Shy does and she is such a wonderful person.  She wants to be here for you too.  So don't give up on us, we want to help you.

Have a great day hon, I hope you and your daughter can be together today and have some fun.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


Getting there
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 1/22/2008 12:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy
 
Thanks for understanding. I got up next day and felt so numb. I just stayed curled up in bed. Its good to know that I am not at a place where no has been before. This gives me courage. I know I need to change some things but I am so afraid as it seems as if I have alwas made the wrong choices. I believe in prayer so I am praying but at the same time.....I remember praying since I was a child and am I better off for it. I am losing my faith too and thats the only thing that used to give me hope. I see my psych on Wednesday so I hope I can talk to him.
GT
ShynSassy said...
Getting There

5 years ago,I was right where you are.
I was on several different types of meds,and was overtaking them because I was feeling that I could not cope.
Then I started drinking myself to sleep basically. I didn't eat,I cried all of the time. I quit my job because I just could not handle it.

You are in a major depression rut,and the only way that you are going to get out of it is getting help.
It is hard,and I know that you feel that no one can help you. But they can!

I wish I would have found this forum back then,then at least I would have known I was not alone with my thoughts and actions.

You have a life that you are responsible for,and all decisions that you make from here on out are going to affect her life and your own.

I am a firm believer that in order to get better we have to change our environment. Meaning,if your every day life is not helping you to get better,then you are going to have to think about ways to change that.. I am not sure what because I do not know your situation....only you do.

Please use this site to vent,we will try to be here for you as much as we can.


Getting there
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 105
   Posted 1/22/2008 12:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Karen

Thanks for thinking of me and bearing with me that night. Thanks for your words of encouragement and letting me know I am at a place where others have tread before so there is hope for me too. I really like you too and want continue to get to know you. I should have gone to CPR/ First Aid training Monday morn with the hope of getting back to work but I could not sleep, took meds for sleep and could not go. This makes me feel so bad. I dont want them to think that I am not trying.

I am on welfare and they expect you to look for work. Wednesday I see my psych so I will ask him to sign the work exemption form for me. I have a nice worker who does not pressure me but I think I have been trying to prove to myself that I can get back out there and function normally like I used to. I need to accept the reality of my condition and live one day at a time and forget about the unfulfilled dreams.

GT

 
getting by said...

Hi getting there,

I want to say good morning but I slept until the afternoon, so good afternoon.

I hope that you are feeling better today.  I know this is a difficult time for you right now.  But as Shy said, come here to talk anytime.  I am on and off a lot, so I should be able to respond if you want. 

Also as Shy said, you are just finding a way to cope, that is natural.  I feel that I have done the same thing, just trying to feel better, but I am tired of being in a stupor from drugs and alcohol.  I use to drink daily and take pain meds to try to feel better, I never took too many anti-depressants because I was afraid of running out.  I know I would be in a mess if that happened.  But I don't have a child like you do, she needs her mom.  You are responsible for her wellbeing, and she depends on you for that.  I know she loves her mom and wants her to be here for her.  You are so special, I really like you a lot.  And I want to be able to continue this friendship.  We just have so much in common.  It is kind of like we were meant to meet on here. 

So keep posting and so will I.  There are so many people here who understand.  I know Shy does and she is such a wonderful person.  She wants to be here for you too.  So don't give up on us, we want to help you.

Have a great day hon, I hope you and your daughter can be together today and have some fun.

Luv and hugs,

Karen



ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/22/2008 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gt

It is amazing to finally feel somewhat "normal" isn't it?
I know when I first found this site I was scared to death to tell what was going on. But,once I did could not believe that no one judged me,and that they cared.

That is why we are here,and why we all continue to post.

One day at a time is all you can do,and don't forget your dreams!! You have to have goals in life in order to be able to pick yourself up and go after them.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/22/2008 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Getting There,

You are such a wonderful person, and I am so happy you are feeling better.  Remember, one day at a time.  It often takes time to get better, though we would like to see it happen much faster.  But as each day comes, I pray that you see a little more light at the end of the tunnel. 

You and your daughter will be fine, I just know.  She loves her mom and depends on her and I know that you will be there.  Keep your chin up as you prod through the rough spots, eventually they will get easier.

Good luck with your cpr training.  I am sure that you will be able to pick that back up.  I wish you luck at finding a job.  Are you still thinking about moving?   You had said that you might go to Canada.  Which ever you decide, I am behind you 100% and am here for you whenever you need.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies

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