Have you ever felt so crap that nothing anyone says can ever make you feel any better? You’re walked all over like a doormat because you’re physically weak, and because you can’t express yourself like you would like to. You’re too nice to people, but only because you have to be. Sometimes when you can’t take anymore you snap and retaliate with something hurtful to someone close to you – because you don’t have the courage or the wits to do it to those who aren’t.
You don’t know what your place in the world is, what you would like it to be or whether you would even want one. It’s so crap, that you know, from experience, that the only way you’ll get back to reality is by taking drugs to alter the way you think – but you know its only a matter of time before your body adapts and takes you back to the beginning. Your only choices are to either increase the dose and delay the inevitable, and possibly causing your body grievous harm; or off them, and repeat the whole cycle over again. You can’t tell anybody, because you don’t want anybody to know.
You already know what it was like to try it, and you thought the first time knocked enough sense into you to ensure it would be the last. But you also knew that feeling was temporary before you would feel like crap again.
This is exactly how I feel, more and more frequently as the days wear on, on or off meds. I do not have anything overtly different about
me that would exclude me from society that would make me feel this way. I am not mutated, disfigured or mentally unstable. I do not have a medical condition or terminal illness that would contribute to hardship in my life. I am young, and have been raised by a loving, understanding, and financially stable family. I have some very supportive friends, and I am in a very loving relationship. I perform well academically, if I am motivated. I could have secured a career in medicine. I know I take all this for granted, and that most people are in worse situations than I am.
However I still feel like dirt.
I know nobody is perfect – and I understand nobody has or should be. We all have expectations for ourselves that we probably will not be able to reach. I know this is not the source of my problem because I understand this. But I still feel overwhelmingly insufficient. I know this is depression, because the doctors, internet and media tell me so.
It’s been 6 years since I have started to feel this way, and no matter how I tackle it, it always comes back around. I did not understand it for the first 3. It was not until the changes in my behaviour
reflected my social success disabling. The most selfish act anyone could commit, stopped only by even greater
After 6 years, you’d think I would’ve made enough changes in my life to shake off this hindrance. But changes don’t do jack squat. What do you do when you know that what you’re trying to run away from is only going to come back to you, over and over again, no matter what you do? depression for the next 50 years?
It’s a loss both ways.
But I need help. I know I am not the only one
I am sorry,but I had to edit your thread due to rule#1 of our site. We have alot of minors that come here so therefore we have to be careful. I hope you understand.
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 2/4/2008 5:32:28 AM (GMT-7)