Depressed wife? Feeling no love

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BigDaddy87
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Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/12/2008 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
My wife and I will be married for 5 years next month and we have two girls, 3yrs and 1 yr.  Her parents divorced 2 years ago and she has struggled with it ever since.  She grew up thinking her parents' relationship was perfect but now that it is gone, she questions the whole idea of marriage.  "If her parents' marriage fell apart, why should she try so hard to make her marriage work?"
 
She has now told me that she has been feeling like this for some time and over time she has fallen out of love with me (but she still loves me, just not 'in-love').  I feel that she is trying to protect herself from not being hurt, like she has built a wall around herself. 
 
She has agreed to goto counselling and I actually have an appointment today. 
 
When i ask her what she wants she says she doesn't know.  She says that it would be perfect for her to get her feelings back for me and live happily ever after, but she doesn't know if she can get the feelings back.  She told me it has nothing to do with me or anything that I have done, it's just that she has been closed up for so long, it's hard for her to go back and establish those feelings.
 
Any advice?  Will counselling/medication bring her back to me/us/the family?
 
 

BigDaddy87
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Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/12/2008 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Additionally, we work different shifts to save on childcare costs but it has grown to her wanting to be at work more so she wont have to be at home and deal with the problem.  And since then a guy at her work has shown interest in her and they have had a couple of nights texting back and forth and she actually called him the other night while she was drunk out at the bar with her friends. 
 
She said she started talking back to this guy because she liked the attention.  She told me it was over before she got drunk, but then she confessed to me that she called him that night.  She has now told me it is over and she will end anything that was with him.  I'm scared because since she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, that this little dude will just keep screwing things up. 
 
How do I trust her?  How do I take her word that she will stop talking to this dude?  She told me it was over, and she told me that she hadn't talked to him, but then yesterday is when she finally told me that she talked to him again. 
 
Do you guys think this is related to her depression?  Or am I out of luck with this whole thing?  I don't know what do to.  I want to be strong, I want to be patient, I want to be there....but how much should I take?
 

ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/12/2008 6:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bigdaddy

First of all welcome to the forum. We are very glad that you found us.

Marriage is so hard. And it makes it harder when someone steps out,and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Depression is not a reason to cheat. That is my opinion anyway. There might be alot more going on with your wife that you are totally unaware of.

Counseling is the first step,you need to find out what is going on,and how you both can fix it..keep that last line in your mind at all times "how WE both can fix it" not just you.

I am sorry that this has happened..all you can do is take it one day at a time and try to figure out what went wrong.

Let us know how your appt went. I am leaving you with some helpful sites that I found.

www.rd.com/content/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/
www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5014_qa.html
www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artid=526
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/12/2008 2:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome BD~
As everyone on this forum knows is that I have loved the same man for four years.  Although I have tried to move on, I cant.  He has moved on and there is not a day that goes by that I dont shed tears for my loss.  I keep waiting for him to call or come over to tell me that once again, pride aside, lets do this.
 
I also have given my soulmate reason to never trust me and believe me, if I had it too do over again, I would NEVER repeat the stupidity that has caused me to live this hell without him.  I understand his position even though he may think I do not. I have repeatedly said that I wont lie and that he can trust me but I have continuely let him down again and again.  I have to disagree with Shy on something only because I have started to understand why this behavior was something that I as the person I am now wont to fight as it is truly a personality disorder, narcissitic image is the mental health name for it and is a branch of mental illness. Although it is not categorized as depression, it is just as awful and actually silent unless you are open and honest with yourself and want to get help.  My counselor stated to me that if I can kick this chemical depression I can also kick this disorder.  My counselor said to me that she has never seen anyone so determined to understand this and that she has "faith" that I can be that person that can be trusted.
 
As far as wife is concerned, maybe this something you want to study a little on your own and see if there are any similarities to what you are learning.  If so the only thing I can say is this, your relationship may be doomed if she doesnt come to terms with this possible diagnosis.
 
There are alot of books out about personality disorders.
 
Good luck.


Teresa
 
 
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results 
 
 " Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it."
English proverb
 
 If I could have one wish, it would just be this, I could take you to my soul and show you all the love there is."
Chely Wright
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 2/12/2008 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   

There is a saying that comes to my mind right now, and I don't know if I will even say this right.  If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it is yours.  If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.  This is a really tough situation, as you know.  I think like Faithfully said, that you need to really study this, get counseling, get the cards out on the table so you can figure out what is going on in her head.  Another saying comes to mind, you hurt the ones that you love.  She could be so angry with this illness that she is taking it out on you without even meaning to.  Her parents divorce probably made her really angry and betrayed.  In her mind they should have stayed together for ever.  She is hurt and taking it out on you, the one she loves.

All I can say is get the both of you into counseling.  See if there is something that can help her, she could turn back into the person that she once was. 

I commend you for your patience.  It must be very difficult for you right now.

hugs,

Karen


fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, clinically depressed and allergies


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/13/2008 5:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I had my appointment yesterday and it went OK. The guy told me that the situation does not look good. But he did tell me to cool off a little and let her figure things out. She has her first appointment tomorrow. I feel that I have pressured her a lot by always wanting to talk about it and trying to dig deeper and deeper. I understand that I need to back off but it's hard because when I do talk about it constantly she keeps giving up more information. And when she says that she has told me everything, I don't really believe her just because I feel that she just wants me to shut up.

I've come to a conclusion that I cannot solve the problem anymore. I'm going to shut up about the whole thing and just be there for her if she needs me. It's hurts so bad. Last night she came home after work about 2 hours late and said that she was just driving around thinking to herself. And she said that she didn't want to come home because she felt that I would be awake and would want to talk about everything. I desprately want to believe her that she was just driving around but that is really hard for me to do. It broke my heart when she said she didn't want to come home because she thought I would want to talk about everything. So I'm not going to talk about it for a while. I'm going to give her time to deal with it with herself and her counselor.

I told her last night as we went to bed that "I love you so much" and she replied "I wish I knew what to say". My heart is in pieces.

If she is cheating I will let time tell me. Our girls will be the ones hurt the worst. And if she really wants to give up our family then there is nothing I can really do. I want to be strong for her and be patient with her so bad but I can't deal with cheating. Morally and religiously I wouldn't be able to continue if she is cheating.

I broke down infront of my 3 year old last night and she told me that "daddys don't cry...only babies do". I have reached my bottom and don't know where to go from here.

Please Lord, embrace my wife and comfort her in her time in need. Show her Your light and Your way. I submit to You and give You total control, there is nothing else for me to do but wait and be patient, please give me that strength. I lay humbled at Your feet and ask You to pick me up and show me how to carry on. I am at Your mercy...Amen

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/13/2008 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Big Daddy

I don't think that you should stop talking about this. It is not fair that she is asking you to do that.

You are going through your own depression,and if you are able to talk about it then keep doing it. That is the only way that you are going to be able to get through this. Shutting yourself down,just so you don't upset her is not the way to go.

Maybe if you just simply explain to her that you need to talk about it,that you need to understand..that if you don't talk about it you won't know how to help her.

Whatever you do,please continue with the therapy for yourself..even if you start going alone.
I would also consider going to the doctor and seeing what can be done to help you get through this depression.

You need to be healthy for your kids..

Keep talking,we will be here for you.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/13/2008 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel that I have talked about it to death with her and she doesn't have any answers to give me. I'm not going to completely shut down, I just want to give her space to find out what is going on in her heart and her emotions. I will still be there for her but I'll be trying to be as positive as I can.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/13/2008 4:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I understand,just watch out for you too..
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/14/2008 12:41 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife had her appointment today. She said she didn't get too much out of it but she came away with a lot of pamphlets and information. It was only about 35 minutes but I think they just kind of took all of her information and talked about the surface issues. She did schedule another appointment for next Friday so that's a good sign. She is going to talk to our family doctor next Tuesday about the possibility of taking any medications.

I'm doing better since I initially posted this thread. My stomach still flips upside-down two or three times a day though. I just keep telling myself that Jesus will get me through this. Either way I'll be closer to Him in the end. I definitely feel that He is doing this to bring myself and my kids closer to Him, and hopefully my wife will be embraced and take the walk with me (I'll be supporting her the whole way, of course).

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/14/2008 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
All you can do is take it one day at a time. By her making a next appt,that is showing that she wants help.
I really hope that she can get it...

I know it is hard,but try to stay strong and get yourself to the doctor.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 2/15/2008 5:19 AM (GMT -7)   
I went and saw a counselor last Tuesday. It helped but it was more of a "brutal truth" kind of thing. I'm going back to see him next week too.

I just don't know how to handle the roller-coaster of emotions. I could be find one hour thinking that I can be patient and then I start thinking of everything that has happened and how I've been lied to and I just want to break down.

Everybody says to "hang in there"...a lot easier said than done.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/15/2008 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I understand what you are going through.
I was in a similar situation with my now ex husband, at first your angry,then you are thinking revenge,then I started blaming myself (why am I not good enough) then I became angry with myself for not seeing the signs that were right in front of my face.

It is so hard to get through something like that,and you wonder if it is even worth it. That is not something we can tell you,only you know what your heart feels,and if you can take it anymore.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


Obtuse1
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 2/15/2008 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Big Daddy -- my heart goes out to you. I agree that you really need to take care of yourself during this. In doing so you indirectly will help the kids, no matter which way things go. They know somethings up, and maybe they too need to talk with someone. I know you don't want to hear it, but I encourage you to hang tough, if only for the mental health of the children. peace. OO
[2}Dx: Post Spinal Fusion chronic pain since 1984;Polyneuropathy;Meniere's Disease, Left ear deafness & severe tinnitus on both sides, Left; Intmt Anhedonic depression;
Hx,Meds: donthearishoutyou.com/blog/


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/16/2008 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi BigDaddy,

I know hanging in there is tough... I have had to do so much of it myself recently. Its good that you have seen a councillor and that the 'brutal truth' as you call it has come out. Once you level the playing field, it gives you a better base on which to build.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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leaveorstay
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 2/25/2008 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   

B.D.

Let me tell you that I was EXACTLY where you are a few short months ago. Your posts would have been exactly what I would have written back in August of 07. I honestly never paid much attention to my wife's depression, even after she told me of the diagnosis- guess I was in denial even though the signs were everywhere. 

I'd STRONGLY advise you to get a copy of the book- Depression Fallout. You are about to be on the longest emotional rollercoaster you could ever imagine and the greatest piece of advice that I could give you is to GET EDUCATED! Your wifes actions sound very similar to my wife's, and I can tell you that they are definitely relatio

 

For example- shortly after my wife's episode hit she picked up a second job waiting tables at night. She would literally come into the house at 10:30pm, stay 5 minutes then get up at leave for 3 hrs and would have the most b.s. excuses for where she was. I obviously would flip out and accuse her of all sorts of things. I found out she was texting a guy she worked with all of the time and that made it ten times worse. I filed for divorce and things just continued to get worse until her brother picked up the phone and called me to talk about his sisters condition.

Once that happened I would spend my entire work day reading about Depression. Came to find out that EVERYTHING she did was consistent with Depressive behaivor. It helped me to seperate the Depression from her personality, which didn't make OUR situation better, but helped to keep me in the right frame on mind. Not that it was easy at all. One night in October, I woke up at 5am crying like a baby, she hugged me and asked what was wrong and I just said "I want my wife back", and she could only give me a blank stare. No compassion- nothing. The next day she sends me an email that she hates to see me hurting and that she hasn't gone anywhere. I think that hurt the mosts- that seeing my, someone she claims to love so hurt- and not doing a darn thing to make it better. But you know what I found out- SHE can't!! Then what happens, is the guilt of her not being able to turn it all around just makes the Depression worse.

It's just continued to snowball since then. She started to pull herself out in November, and was slowly returning to the affectionate, intelligent woman that I fell so hard for. Then the holiday season hit and it was over. She stopped taking her AD's cold turkey, became extremely bitter, mean, and verbally abusive. I now get blamed for my wife's childhood, her financial issues (I probably pay 70% of our joint household bills but she says I don't contriibute a dime), and she wants a divorce even though she can't name one reason why we should be divorced other than "we just don't work".

Again, it's TOUGH, but before I started to read and talk to people about it, I took it all very personally. There's another site called depressionfallout.com. Go to the forum and read the stories. It's amazing at how similar they all are. This is going to help you take care of the most important person- YOURSELF. You'll try to support your wife and keep things together, but you can't do that if your falling apart yourself. You mentioned that you have 2 young one's as well. When mommy is doing well- Daddy HAS to be the one to step it up. I'll be praying that your situation ends well.

I notice that you seem to be a Christian man. I can tell you that this ordeal has led me to the foot of the Lord. If you truly believe, that you know that he will not give you more than you can handle and that this is simply a part of his plan for you. Bask in his glory and he will be your shield through this trying time.


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:27 AM (GMT -7)   
It's been a while since I've posted but there hasn't been much improvement.  I'm over the whole "texting the dude at work" thing, I'm comfortable that it is over. 
 
But my wife is to the point where she just doesn't care and is only concentrated on her happiness.  And she feels that if there is a possibility to be happy living by herself or with a friend, then she wants to try that.  I've told her flat out that if she leaves now, without trying anything to fix this problem, that I'm changing the locks.  It sounds like she wants a trial separation but it is way too soon to just run away from this problem (in my book anyway). 
 
I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10 with staying with the family at 10 and living with a lady friend a 1, where was she?  She told me 3. 
 
I'm to the point now where I almost want to give up.  She is showing no signs of wanting to try and fix anything that I feel like my efforts and concerns are worthless.  My main concern with that is what is going to happen with my two girls (3 and 1).  With the legal system the way it is, I feel that I would get the short end of the stick but am willing to fight for everything I can get.  Nothing nasty or hatefull, I just want to keep my kids stable and not changing where they live every week.  I guess I just need to read up on all those details and stuff. 
 
Any advice out there of what to do with a spouse who keeps saying "I don't know" and is unwilling to try anything to improve the situation (medication, marriage counseling, swift kick in the butt..=)?

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
BigDaddy

Divorce is hard on everyone involved. And especially for the kids.

If she is unwilling to go to counseling and just wants out I am not sure what else you can do.
You can't force her to stay.

I suggest giving her some time. If she needs to move out for awhile,then maybe once she is not living in the home she will realize how much she misses it.

Time might be the answer here,and I would continue to suggest counseling..but make sure you go by yourself too.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I think you are right about her needing time.  But part of me will be reluctant to give her that time if she is unwilling to put anything into saving the marriage first.  I told her that I cannot make her stay and the door is open but it may not open back up if she leaves without showing an effort. 
 
I've seen a counselor a couple of times but have started to space the sessions out a bit.  Not to get all religious in here, but I feel like I've been told to sit back and let the big guy take over.  I'm willing to do that and that is what I am going to do.  He will not put me in a situation that I can't handle and I have to believe in that.  I guess I have mentally prepared myself to accept what is going to happen and am just concentrating on my kids. 
 
It's just hard to stay positive and loving and caring and patient and happy and all that other good stuff.  I guess that is why they call it "life"
 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/4/2008 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   
It is very hard,just watch out for yourself too.. make sure you are not closing up...that is easy to do.


I hope she sees the light,but if not then I hope that things work out either way.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


leaveorstay
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 20
   Posted 3/10/2008 2:18 PM (GMT -7)   
BD-
 
I feel you my friend. It's nuts. My wife has been screaming divorce for 2 months now. I've told her a million times that it's not what I want- there's REALLY no reason for it but she goes on and on. One minute it's because we're just not right for each other- the next it's because I'm the worse thing that's ever happened to her.
 
The thing is- I tell her- "then go file". I love you and want to be your husband- but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me". Guess what- she hasn't gone to file anything. I finally told her on Friday- listen- enough is enough. I'm not living under the constant threat of divorce- so either do it- or be quiet about it. She hasn't mentioned it sense. 
 
She had a flip out yesterday because I was taking my daughter to church without waking her up first. Started packing my clothes and I calmy just asked her that when she was done- if she could hang everything back up where I had it. Then she calls my mother to ask if she could stay with her. Obviously my mother said "h-ll no". But after church my mom came by and spoke to the both of us. My wife really respects my mom so she listened. My mom asked if she would promise to give it another try and she was bawling- and said ok.
 
then she doesn't speak to me much this morning or today at work (can you believe we actually work together), but sent me an email saying "in light of this weekend- what's our status". I asked her if we can just have a heart to heart and come up with solutions to our problems- not just talk about our problems tonight and she said "yes". Wish me luck. I REALLY love this woman and am praying everyday that we'll come out of this darkness together. But like you- I can only take care of my part and if she's not willing to work just as hard- than it just has to be done.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/11/2008 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Leave

I am so sorry that things have not turned around for you... was really hoping it would.

That is great that your mom came over,maybe hearing it from someone else will really make her think.


Hang in there!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


BigDaddy87
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/11/2008 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Leaveorstay,
 
Sounds like we are kind of in the same situation.  Fun isn't it?
 
This past week has been tough.  Almost everyother night she won't come home and will stay at a friends house because she just doesn't want to be at home.  I'm getting pretty fed up with it and told her how I felt.  My 3 year old asked me the other night "why doesn't my mommy want to play with me?".  That broke my heart.  I can give her all the patience she needs when I'm the only one affected (very hard), but as soon as my kids started feeling it, action needs taken.  She feels bad and actually admitted that she has to stop being selfish and aknowledged that she is affecting her family. 
 
She has an appointment today to talk with our doc about the possibility of medicine, so that's good.  Hopefully we'll get through this together.  Thank you all for your support!

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/11/2008 4:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh yeah big daddy.... once the kids realize things are happening then you are right things need to change.

I hope she keeps her appt and at least realizes what she is doing to her life and to her kids.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


crohnie1985
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/11/2008 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   

I have been in a situation like yours too, it's very painful and the kids are watching everything. My advice to you is keep records of everything, write down all of the activities your gal is doing, you will need this if you want to keep your kids, most judges favor the mother if your situation goes sour and you will have to fight for your kids. You have to be strong. I know you truly love your children. And if you even have the slightest idea that there is some cheating going on protect yourself from any STD. I know this seems harsh, but better to prepare yourself for anything at this point.

 "The grass looks greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed"

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