Does the Sadness Ever Stop?

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faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/21/2008 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
You know when all that you hoped and dreamed for in the midst of this ugly world becomes something that you will never have?  My faith is hanging on by  thread lately.  I have believed that things that have happened in my life were for a reason and that reason was to show me that I need to be a stronger person and be certain that I have learned from all the terrible things that I have done to the ones I love.
 
I guess what I am trying to say is this, when does your faith and positive thinking become only a pathetic type of reasoning for the way things are now and that with faith and strength along with struggle the the things you pray for and work hard to obtain never materialize.  When does your faith become "wishful thinking"?
 
I know down deep in my soul that the man I love does not love me anymore.  We have always had this sixth sense when we could read the other's mind.  Lately as I said before, I leave the light on and watch out the window and I wondered every day why he could love me like he does and not think of me and want to see me.  Yea, yea it's for the better he said but I cant stop my heart from telling me to hold on to him, give it a chance and I would go to the ends of the earth to prove to him that we are meant to be and that I am done being a complete fool.  Something tells me that I no longer occupy a place in his daily thoughts as I do for him.  He just walked away.  My body still craves him, my heart still aches, how do I go on.  He was such a big part of me getting well, my best friend, now what?
 
I try to convince myself that I  am wrong and that my faith and prayers  will come full circle but deep in my heart I know that his love is gone and given t0 someone else.
 
I am sorry to ramble to I am so very sad and starting to think that I need to move on with my life because that is what he wants
 
I wake up every morning and convince myself that today is the day my world is complete.
 
I dont know the last time I was this depressed and hopeless, its bad, really bad.
Teresa
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown
 
 
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results 
 
 " Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it."
English proverb
 
 If I could have one wish, it would just be this, I could take you to my soul and show you all the love there is."
Chely Wright
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/21/2008 4:45 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Faithful,

Just don't lose faith in yourself and your life.  You may not be able to be with the one that you love, but you do have the memories.  And sometimes when you get on with your life they respect you more.  Let him see your strength by starting a new life, I know that it is hard for you to let go, but I think if there is a chance of him coming back to you, it will be when he sees you as a strong person who doesn't NEED him so much.  Can you see what I am trying to say?  It wont mean that you don't love him, it will mean that you love yourself.  You are such a wonderful strong person.  Faith in you is what you need.  Don't let his absence bring you down anymore.  Be strong, get out  and live your life, you deserve that.  I don't know what all you did to make you feel that you have to torment yourself in this way.  You act like you don't deserve to be happy and you DO deserve to be happy.  And like I said, going on with life doesn't have to erase his memory.  It doesn't mean that you don't care for him, it just means that you love yourself too.  So please, love yourself.  Do something nice for yourself and quit punishing yourself.  You don't deserve that.  You are a good person and you are blessed by a fond memory of a life that so many of us never experience.  Take this to heart and give yourself a chance to live your life.  You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/21/2008 5:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Teresa

There is a time to start over for you not because he thinks you should but because it is the best thing for you my friend.  Sometimes we have to put the past behind us and start fresh.  The memories will always be there but it may be time for you to start making plans for a future that does not include this man.

All of the negative feelings and emotions are perfectly normal. Do not feel guilty about having these feeling and experiencing these emotions.

Do not second-guess your self. Don't feel that if you had done things differently that you would still be together.  It is not something you can go back and do differently.

Do not let the break up  affect your self-esteem. Don't think thoughts such as:
"I am not pretty enough"
"I am not good enough for my spouse"
"I should have done _______"
"I shouldn't have done _________"

Just remember this is not your fault as every relationship takes two people.

I am so sorry you are going through this...coming here and talking about this as well as sharing it with others is the best thing to do. We are here for you so keep on talking........... we care.
Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


crohnie1985
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 2/21/2008 8:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

New here,

but I read a few posts and I would like to tell you I have been there and I never in my wildest dreams thought my life would go to the place where I am today. I lost my health, my wife (of 22 years) and my job all at the same time. And yes for awhile I was doing foolish things to ease the pain (drinking,gambling, etc.) but I am now on disability,remarried, and somewhat stable reguarding my health. So don't fear, hold your head up high and even by chance things can get better, I know it's true as it happened to me.

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/21/2008 9:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Chronie,

Welcome to the depression forum. What you said to Teresa was very nice, if you have a story to tell we are here for you. You have come to a wonderful place with many wonderful people who are more than happy to listen. And I see you give good advice.

Keep posting,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/22/2008 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks you guys for your posts.  Today is a day where I just want to lay in bed and cry all day.  I am sure that the person I love is not living near me any more, I just know that his life has started new with this person.  I always knew he would never come back to me, i know that was why I was so insecure, when we together I was fine but once she arrived I knew he would never want me again.  She has money, goals everything that a man would want in someone, I always thought the love he had for me would endure all the bs that took place.  I am really depressed today and thought about going to the hospital but I cant, I have to pick up my daughter monday from the airport in cleveland, and besides that I have her car that she loves so I couldnt go anywhere because I have to be here so she can get her car.
 
Im done praying for a miracle, I have almost given up hope and my faith is hanging by a thread.  I am not eating again and have dropped several pounds, almost 12 pounds.
I am so sad and so hopeless, but I dont let anyone as I get up every day get dressed and wait for the dreams and all the things that I am praying for, every day.
 
It is sad because everywhere I would go I would see signs of faith, if and when I see one now, I pass it by and saddly ignore it.
 
Sorry to be so depressing but it the weekend once again and here I sit wondering what it brings.  I will put my face on so noone knows the pain and heartache I am really going through, after all who wants to be around someone that is depressed, poverty-ridden and nothing to offer right now or maybe forever.
 
Thanks for listening.
Teresa
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown
 
 
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results 
 
 " Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it."
English proverb
 
 If I could have one wish, it would just be this, I could take you to my soul and show you all the love there is."
Chely Wright
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/22/2008 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

You do have something to offer and that is you.  I wish that you  wouldn't sell yourself short like you do.  You are kind, caring, compassionate, smart and a very special beautiful person.  You are letting a man define who you are.  There are millions of people in this world and there could be another person in your life that you feel special around just like you did with him.  I really wish you would think about it.  Don't give up on yourself. 

Though we can tell you this every day I know it is up to you whether you are going to believe it or not.  I can't make you think anything other than you want to.  But I can try.  I could go on and on about how wonderful you are and how special you are to all of us, but it is up to you to believe it.  And as long as you don't, you are going to be sad.  I wish you could believe what I am telling you.  You keep punishing yourself over and over.  But that is your choice. 

Sometimes I want to say something to make you defend yourself and fight back, but I don't think that would do any good.  Challenge you to love yourself like we love you.  But I don't want to keep pushing you, because this is up to you.  Teresa, please love you for who you are, we do.

I hope that you have brighter days to come.

luv and hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/22/2008 11:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Teresa

Does the sadness ever stop?  I don't know anymore, I wish I knew.  I do  know how  you feel thow.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


crohnie1985
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 2/23/2008 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

I myself wake up and have to force myself to look for something that I enjoy, even that I am in severe physical pain daily. Even if it's something as small as enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee, I just indulge in that one thing for that moment, I know it can be worse as that too can be taken away. Do you have any friend's? if so spend some time with them, even if it's just on the phone. I feel you have lots of saddness inside, let it out somehow, who cares what others think, do it for yourself. If your really bored, try going online check out www.youtube.com there is some funny videos there, I laughed so much at some of them. I will continue to pray for you.

 

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/23/2008 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Thats an interesting question: Does the sadness ever stop? Unfortunately its not one I have the answer to, but I know that you are an amazing person and you have kept your faith through tough times and I have no doubt that you will make it though this as well. I wish you all the best.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/23/2008 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, I wrote a reply and for some reason it did not post, things like this really make me mad.  There were several things I said that were extremely heartfelt but I guess they are cyberspace somewhere.  Anyway the short of it was that I am doing better but what most people dont understand is that he IS my soulmate and even though there have been people in my life  and in his, he has always been the one true hero that gave me the strength to be happy and content for the first and only time in my relationships.
 
I love him so and for reasons that I dont understand, I still get butterflies with the mere thought of  his touch.  Never did I have this before him and I know for certain I will go on without contiment and peace I found in this man.
 
I guess for the first time in "our" lives I really believe he is gone and I will forever have a hole in my heart  until I  experience his touch again.  I know it sounds cornie to most people but I will tell you that we had a love that is a rarity in this life!!!!!!!!!  I do love myself, I really do, it's just the stupid, STUPID acts that I hate about myself.  That is why it is so important for me to get my s--t together so if and when he ever trusts me again, when we are old and gray, he will  look at me with those big blue eyes and say how happy our lives are and that he was glad we gave it just one more try and that I was true to myself and all those that I love. No matter how much crap life throws at you, you have to decide if you want to sweep it under the rug or be a bigger person and deal with it and be held responsible for your actions.   I am comitted to this because I deserve the best things in life and trusting myself and the people in my life, will be like winning the lottery.
 
I am depressed, very much so but I guess going through the pain that I am on so many levels will be exactly what I have to go through to keep my life from being like has been.
 
I will give it my very best and I will be successful.


Teresa 

Post Edited (faithfully4you) : 2/23/2008 3:56:12 PM (GMT-7)


crohnie1985
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 2/23/2008 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
 
Cyberspace is a cold way of communicating at times, but sometimes in todays world it's a lifeline. I can only speak for myself, but I think most who are using this website are here to support you and each other. That's why it exists and is so popular. I hope and pray things will get better for you and your family.

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/24/2008 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
The weekend is almost over and for the first time since I have lived here I dont really care about it being the beginning of the week, all my days are the same anymore.
 
I have to pick up my daughter from the cleveland airport tomorrow she is coming back from Florida she was visiting.  I have had her car and I have loved driving it, alot of fun.  When I dropped her off Thursday I looked at every carlot I could find in hopes of looking for a vehicle.  I did find a couple but as usual I cant make a decision.
 
I feel ok today I actually looked at my manuscript yesterday, it seems like it has been years since I worked on it.
 
Well just wanted to touch base and let you know how much it means to be able to have something to look forward to every day, having the positive and caring feedback you guys give is comforting.  THANKS!!!!!
Teresa 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/24/2008 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

You sound like you may be feeling better, I am so happy.  Keep posting we love to hear from you too.

I am tired today.  Yesterday too.  The weather is better but too tired to go out.  Yesterday did a ton of laundrry at the mat.  There were a lot of people doing the same.  Usually nobody goes on Saturday.  Usually it is empty, not yesterday.  Got it done anyhow.  Feel much better now.

I hope that you have a wonderful evening.

hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/26/2008 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Goodmorning,
Once again another snow storm and cabin fever is setting in.  I have  counselor  appt on Thursday but I am going to have to cancel because it is about an hour away and the weather is not supposed to get any better and my vehicle wont make it so I guess I cant go.  I am ok, a little depressed today, got my bath and decided to stay in bed today.
 
I have to be honest and tell you that I am not feeling as well as I seem, I am not hospital material though like I thought I was a few days ago.  The doctor changed some of my meds because even he is starting to realize that my am taking so much and I should be feeling different, he says that he would like records from my upcoming appt. with my neuro doc so that he can make a decision on how to manage my depression, he even talked about the intracranial surgery to implant the electrode.  That would be major brain surgery and I am considering it.  Who knows, this time when I go under the knife I can pay for the reasons that I am alone now.  I know very negative but my last surgery I prayed that my life would be better and because of everything I have done it didnt turn out that way.
 
I dont know, I am seriously considering it.  The risks are so much higher than a normal surgery.  It makes me miss my sister and I feel somewhat of a connection to her.  I havent told my family anything about this because they dont need this extra burden.
 
My daughter Brittani and I spent a few hours together yesterday and I loved it.  She is going through some things in her life and I can finally be the mom she can come to.
 
Maybe that is why I am so depressed today, to many thoughts.
Teresa 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 2/26/2008 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

I know what you mean about this weather, it has been a hard winter.  We are getting snow today too.  But not a storm.  I have a psychiatrist appt about 50 miles away, would be an hour drive for me.  Hopefully I will make it.  I have had to cancel three times this year due to weather.  We have a lot of ice since it has been thawing some.  I just can't wait until spring.  I go mushroom hunting and I am so looking forward to that.

Have a great day today, I hope you feel better, there is nothing wrong with spending the day in bed.  I try not to because I have fibromyalgia and spent the first two years in bed.  Listening to life go on without me and aging in the meantime.  I don't want to go back there.  I took a nap a couple of days in a row and said - no more of this, it is too easy for me to end up back there again.

Take care, get some rest.

Luv and hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/26/2008 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen,
I know this winter has been miserable with the weather and then dump this depression on it.  I layed down for a little but I had to get up, it seems when I try to take a nap I cant stop the "grieving" episodes and then I am more depressed.  I did manage to get out and shovel my drive, it makes me feel better out in the cold air.  I am going up to my pharmacy up the street to pick up my perscriptions since they have changed..  I have to go  and do this because I need my meds.
 
I am trying to enjoy my life with my new home but it is really hard.  I do love my house and I love decorating it, it does bring me joy while I have found so many unique "angel" items.  I collect angel everything, I found a new flea market near here and it is filled with neat stuff.  Even then I think of him as I walk alone and remember how much fun we had doing stuff like this together, I would love to go to this with him, I have been there a couple times and every time I went my thoughts were with him.  Just one more thing to remind me of the best time in my life.
 
I have actually been looking for work but havent had any successful.  I am consideringlooking in Florida as well so I can be close to my family, not sure.
Teresa 

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