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viper22
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/24/2008 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
i am 31 and in a longterm relationship for 5 years. i have two daughters and my oldest lives with her mom and my youngest lives with me and my g/f. my g/f suffers from major depression and daily migraines. i am here get help to understand her better.
i am also trying to deal with past emotions of hers and mine. She was abused in the past and since our baby was born we have had no intimacy and she has problems with being affectionate with me. 

Post Edited (viper22) : 2/24/2008 1:36:33 AM (GMT-7)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/24/2008 4:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Viper and Welcome to Healingwell!

If I understand this right, although you have 2 daughters only 1 lives with you and your g/f and she is a baby? I cannot honestly sit here and preach about intimacy problems and children since I have never had a g/f nor have I any children. However, I understand from others that being intimate with your partner with a new baby in the house is often difficult since your thoughts are often pre-occupied with the baby and there is the question of Post-Natal Depression. But if I understand the situation correct, your partner is not genetically linked to the baby however in moral terms, it is you and your g/f's baby. I know this sounds daft but I know it happens SO MANY times... is there a jealousy issue? Your g/f had you all to yourself and now she has to share your time with a baby. For some people, this can be a big adjustment... especially realising that the love you have for a child is different to the love you have for a partner.

Is she on any meds or does she see a councillor? It might be worth her having someone completely independent to talk to so that any issues such as her past abuse can be ironed out before the problems escalade. Catch problems while they are mole-hills... mountains are far harder to move.

All the best

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/24/2008 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you on your first visit to Healing Well! To help you get the most out of the Depression Forum please take the time to browse our threads.

You will find the members warm and caring and I hope that you will find the support you need right here in Healing Well.
Again a Warm Welcome to you Viper.
Kitt 


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 2/24/2008 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I too would like to welcome you to healing well depression forum. Your girlfriend is one of the sweetest people that I have ever met. Just the fact that you are here, means you really care and want to work this out. All I can say is be patient, she is working really hard and cares so much about you. I can see only good things coming from this.
Thanks for posting, I know that with your patience and caring you both will get through this.
hugs,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/24/2008 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Viper to HW.........

You will get the support and caring here you are seeking ........

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


viper22
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/25/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for the warm welcome.
I really dont know where to begin plus it took me an hour to find this thread again (lol)
love ya baby T always

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/25/2008 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the site viper
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


viper22
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/26/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
well this is'nt easy to say and nor a lightly way to say it but i told baby t something that i was really ashaimed of doing i cheated on her.
I couldn't hold it in any longer after all she has touch me so much.
She means the world to me and i couldn't have kept it in any longer anyway.
I hated to hurt her like that and she is doing so well.
I know i did something really bad and proably not a very good time eather to tell her but she had to know.
I do love her so so much and i'll do what ever it takes to prove it.
i really hope that all of you can help me i never wanted this to happon. :( :(

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 2/26/2008 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I know how much BabyT loves you and your daughter. I think that her opening up to you allowed you to let her in a little bit. Now, it is all out on the table and will be easier to sort things through. From past experience, she will run the gauntlet of emotions, but underneath it all, know that she still loves you. One day may be good and then the next 3 bad, or even minute to minute, but you need to allow her to sort through this AND be completely honest when she asks you a question seemingly out of nowhere. The trust is going to have to be repaired. I do highly recommend couple's counseling/marriage counseling (even if you aren't married you are still in this together). I don't know if your employer has an emergency assistance program available, but you would qualify if they do. Your employer won't know who uses it only the number of people who do so it can be paid for. They usually allow a certain number of visits, maybe 10-15, but at least it can get you started.

Give her space as she works through this and be there for her....like the song goes "Hold on loosely, but don't let go."
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and baclofen
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 2/26/2008 4:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Viper, you need to completely go no contact with the other woman and make it clear you want nothing to do with her. That is, if you are willing to do everything possible to make it right again with your gf. Go to couples counselling together and you need to do individual counselling as well. Understand why you felt the need to cheat, instead of talking it out with your gf. Understand her pain, all the love and trust, faith she had in you has been shaken and her world turned upside.

Good luck and I hope you two can work through it.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/26/2008 4:13 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Viper and Baby T.

I really feel the two of you need to go to counseling to repair this relationship as there is much going on here.  I am not sure I have the skills to be the person to be advising both of you on the same site.

Please consider professional therapy either together or separately.

I wish you the best and I hope you are able to repair your relationship.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/27/2008 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   

I agree with Kitt on this one. No matter how much people say they can advise people seperately, there is always going to be a bias to a greater or lesser degree since you know that both people will read it. If, for example, I feel that one person is being very childish about the whole situation, it is then very difficult for me to comment when the other party is reading it.

I am not saying that only one of you deserves to be on HW, I am saying that advice should be treated with caution since it is at risk of being biased... especially since I believe both of you have friends here on the forum. I think this is much better sorted by councilling (Either together or seperate) as Kitt has suggested.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/27/2008 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Kitt and Darren on this it is very hard to give you's both advice w/o inadvertantly taking sides or being misunderstood ..IMHO

I do believe that couple's couselling would be the best thing to do as well for you both and your child ......

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/27/2008 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Baby and Viper

We have run into this type of situation before,and it ends up making everyone uncomfortable..the ones reading the posts,and then not knowing how to reply,as Darren said because the other is reading it.

I don't want this situation to end up like that....

I do understand that it is easier sometimes to let your feelings out by typing them... so in order to diffuse any situation that might occur I suggest that you two email each other and use that as a way of getting your feelings out.

Thanks for doing that.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 2/27/2008 4:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree that trying to help a couple on the same forum would not work.  Someone is going to get upset.  I also do not think it is appropriate for the two of you to use this forum to share your feelings for each other.  I think that should be done privately.  That's just my opinion.
 
Carla

Moderator, Allergies/Asthma
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 
 
Epilepsy, asthma, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism, tinnitus


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 2/27/2008 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with everything having been said. They should try to seek counseling if they both want to make it work out, which I know it will! Something likes this take times and it is hard, but getting through it together will make both of you stronger.

The only thing I have to disagree with is that having both of them on the site, its hinting toward having both here and having them reading each others post will hurt one of them. Personally, I think we should all be honest. If we are being honest I dont think it should matter who reads it. If I were in there situation I would want everyone to treat us the same. I would want to here everyones opinions and hear the truth. Someone always gets hurt, but being honest is always the best way to go!

I do agree that it could be hard having them both here, but they deserve it as much as the next person! I love Baby being on here and I would never want her to leave! I think if they both choose to stay we shall treats them as individuals and stop thinking of them as a "them". Bias is going happen, but I think we should be open-minded about everything and just be honest!

I am glad to have them both on here. They came here for our support and I intend on giving them both that! Also, Baby T is taking a break from here... I think that is great and I respect her decision. I think she needs space and it will be good. Hopefully she will start feeling better again soon!

(((BIG HUGS TO BABY!))))

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 2/28/2008 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
There are low/no cost therapy places....
Forum Moderator 
We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants) 
Make sure your suffering has meaning...

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 2/28/2008 7:16:08 AM (GMT-7)


viper22
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/28/2008 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all for your advise this is not making me feel any better but its ok.
humm i think baby t is going to leave me not for shur if it is permenate or not.
i wouldn't blame her if she did but i will always love her and hope some day she would forgive me but wouldn't blame her if she didnt.
right now i am shaking pretty bad its sinking in pretty hard

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 2/28/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Viper,

I am sorry that Baby might be leaving you.  But I think that she is really hurt right now.    Maybe in time she will be doing better and you can get back to normal.

I wish you well, try to keep communications open for the childs sake. 

Good luck

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Red09
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 2/28/2008 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Check out marriage builders (google it) and surviving infidelity.


viper22
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/29/2008 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
thx for all the addvise everyone i hope that all of you are feeling ok today
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