Depression After Loss of Spouse

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LostinEmotion
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Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/25/2008 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  Hi everyone, my name is Valerie.  My husband passed away Oct. 20 - we would have been married 30 years next month.  First four months I had lots of anger because of certain circumstances and of course tremendous sadness.  Have now been taking Lexapril for couple of weeks but it hasn't kicked in yet.  We had just bought a house on Eastern Shore of Maryland and I am in the process of moving back to Richmond VA at end of April to get an apartment and be near my son and his wife.  Last two weeks have been the worst ever - I don't seem able to function and have a full time job as a Legal Assistant. I seem to  have reverted to child hood, not being able to make any decisions, scared about the future, in a complete fog, etc.etc.  I have been taking Ambien CR for some time but now only getting about 4 hours sleep.  Also have take Xanax during day at work to get through the day.  Unfortunately my husband was the cook and I am not one and right now I have no desire to shop, cook, or eat.  I have gone from a size 10 to size 4 and am so scared.  If anyone has a suggestion as to how I can get out of this slump I would so appreciate your help.  Thanks for reading this.  Valerie

Mochiah
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Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 2/25/2008 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for your loss.  30 years is a long time and will take a long time for you to get used to being on your own. Maybe a cooking class? A painting class may also interest you....or just check out the community college nearby and see what they have that interests you. You will definitely learn and may meet some interesting people. Right now you should be taking time for you, trying to get used to your new role in life and getting closer to your friends who can support you through this. The move sounds like a good idea to be closer to your family, but I am sure it will be hard for you to close the house up and go.


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Red09
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Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 425
   Posted 2/25/2008 7:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you.

Have you thought about grief counseling? Ask friends to help you shop, or see if there's a grocery store that delivers, buy fresh fruit, salads and even order in sometimes too.

I'm sure once you're home and near your son, it won't be as scary and difficult for you - Being away from family during this rough time isn't easy.

Please consider the counseling, it will help you cope.


LostinEmotion
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/25/2008 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for your quick responses. Unfortunately I live in the country and there are no groceries close by or restaurants that deliver. Once I am in Richmond it will be easier in that respect and I do anticipate taking a cooking class and making an effort to meet people. I am seeing a grief counselor and will probably continue and maybe find a support group in Richmond. I'll keep you posted and - thanks again.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35930
   Posted 2/25/2008 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lost,

I am so happy that you came here. There are many wonderful people here as you can see. We are one big happy family and we are glad that you are joining us.

I was also a widow but recently married after seven years. So I can tell you that things do get better. But I remember how hard that it was in the beginning. What I can say is when grief strikes, just go with it and grieve however you feel comfortable. You will find it gets easier with time. But in the meantime, we are here for you. Embrace the process. It can be cleansing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Pink Grandma
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 2/25/2008 9:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello LostinEmotion and welcome to HealingWell, this is a great forum.
I too lost my spouse last April so I can really relate to all of your feelings. And they are all normal. I actually thought that I was losing it until I able to force myself to go to grief counseling. I found out all the emotions that I was experiencing were normal and I wasn't crazy. I lost about 30 pounds but fortunately it was weight I needed to lose. But it sure wasn't the way I had planned on losing it.
I am a lot further along in the grief process. And that's just what it is.... a process to get through. You will not get over it....you just muddle through it as best that you can. During this time do not be afraid to say no or change your mind.
Do what you feel that you are able to do. If you told someone that you would do something 2 weeks ago but now you really don't want to do it......give them your apologies and back out. If they are really your friend they will understand. I still have to back out of commitments once in awhile.

Hang in LostinEmotion .....eventually it will get easier. I am living proof.
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


lakewinds
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 2/26/2008 5:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I too lost my first husband when our son was 6 months old. It was very hard to get used to being alone and the sadness was horrible.

I remember going Hawaiian islands for christmas so I didn't have to face my family and friends during this hoilday. Then I moved closer to my parents and in-laws and my problems were over i know when you move you will feel much better good luck

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/26/2008 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Valerie

First of all welcome to the forum,as you can see there are alot of caring people on this site.
I am so sorry for your loss, it sounds like you had a wonderful marriage and therefore have some wonderful memories.
I can't imagine your grief,but I do know that it will get better someday,all you can do is take it one day at a time.

Continue with your counseling,and yes a cooking class would be great...also you could step it up after you figure out the basics and take gourmet cooking..that is alot of fun,it will get you out of the house and around new people.

In the meantime please use this site whenever you need us,we will be here for you.

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/26/2008 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Valerie,

I too want to welcome you to the forum! 30 years is a long time... I can only imagine how hard it must be. It has only been about 4 months since your husband died and it will probably take longer than that to fully grieve. Moving to VA (Virginia?) might be nice for you, so you can make a new start with your son and his wife. I would also give your AD's another few weeks to kick in. I really hope that you continue to chat with us.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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SoninEmotion
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/26/2008 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
This is Patrick, Valerie's son.  I just wanted to thank everyone for their support on this forum.  I know how helpful these can be and that is why I asked her to post here.  I would be so grateful if people can advise on how to deal with the worry part of this grieving process.  My Mom will admit that she is worried about everything.  She cannot visualize how she is going to get through the next few months but I keep telling her that as long as she takes it one step at a time she will get through it.  Does anyone else have any tips or tricks to get over this hurdle?

djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 2/26/2008 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Patrick,

Its nice to see that you obviously care about your mum. Hopefully, with each others support, you can both get over this hurdle. Grief is a very personal experience and hence what works for one person, may not work for others. However, if I was going to advise anything it would be to return to normality one step at a time. My grandma lost her husband (I cant remember how many years they were married but it was a long time) 3 years ago and still struggles sometimes. Take small steps towards normality such as shopping by yourself etc... I think a 30 year marriage will take a long time to come to terms with. I hope that makes sense to both you and Valerie

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Pink Grandma
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 2445
   Posted 2/26/2008 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Patrick and Valerie, 1st I want to say what a wonderful son you have Valerie. You must be so proud of him.
Along with the grief counseling that I went through I started keeping busy. I started doing little things for other family members and friends. Like stopping to get my friend at work coffee. Or taking my son or daughter some little things that I bought for them or my grandkids. I forced my self to get out and about everyday besides going to work.
But the one biggest help for me has been volunteering on HealingWell as a moderator. Now.... I focus on others and somehow and don't ask me how but it has brought me back to living again.
Take baby steps as you can. I called it the 2 step. I felt like I was taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back or 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Now sometimes I run. It will probably take longer for you. You were married a lot longer than me. Have patience with yourself and now it is time for you. Be good to yourself.

Thoughts and prayers.
Pink Grandma
Forum moderator-Hepatitis

When the going gets tough....the tough get going! Don't always know where I going but I get there anyways.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/27/2008 8:33 AM (GMT -7)   
HI there
Back in 1979 I lost my first hubby to a car accident I was left with a 2 yr old and 4 yr old son(s) I was totally lost
Rick was my rock he did all the accounting paying bills ect ..I kept house and looked after the boys
I remember for the first 3 months after he passed I was still going to the graveyard and his plot to talk to him ask him for advise ....JUST to be close to him .........I still remember the day and time March 17th at 5:15 he was killed instantly
My dad and him celebrated St Paddy's day together every yr he was my childhood sweetheart and I thought my life was over ........
I kept going for the boys and for me although the anger was eating me apart at times I have to say I was angry at everyone and everything .........

I did make it thru this horrid time in my life by keeping myself busy and went to become a Registered Nurse......going to Church and to my friends and being around my boys as much as I could .......I never forgot him and I learned to celebrate his life not dwell in the death..BUT it took some time believe me
My sons are now 34 and 32 and I have grandbabes now as well
I met another wonderful man ( so I thought) and he gave me a daughter ...we did not stay together for very long as he was an alcoholic and an insulin dep diabetic very controlling and abusive....sadly he lost his life in 2003 becuase of the booze and diabetes complications..........
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss and I do know how you feel to a point but we all grieve differently IMHO.........
I think moving to be closer to your son will do you alot of good and going to a grief cousillor will as well I know it did help me but that took some time and many many tears as well ..........
Your son sounds like a wonderful man and I am sure he will help you out with all you are going to face and believe it or not YOU will become stronger and be able carry on one day
My thoughts heart and prayers go out to you and your family for your loss ..........
Take care and if you need to talk my email is at the side under my name .........LYN
I also have found like Pink Grama that being here on HW with all the caring and supportive ppl have helped me thru so many hurdles in my life
Worrying will not get you anywhere my friend you will BE OKAY........
Things have a way of falling into place sometimes we just dont notice it right away ........
30 yrs is a long time and you will certainly miss him ......
Darren is so right it will take baby steps but you will get there
Stay with us and plz know you are no longer alone we do understand
 
Again I AM so sorry for your pain and your loss ..........LYN 


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 2/27/2008 7:42:58 AM (GMT-7)


LostinEmotion
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/27/2008 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your responses and kind words. Yes, my son Patrick is a wonderful young man and I know being near him will be the best for me at this time. I know they say you shouldn't make any rash decisions in the first year but this was a "no brainer" for me. I just got confirmation of a job at my old law firm in Richmond which is one hurdle over. I just have to get myself motivated with everything else, but as you all say, one day at a time. I am going to change my meds tomorrow to Remeron I think as my doc says it may help with my sleeping problem. Maybe someone has used that drug before with good results. I know really that I have to go forward in my own mind and not rely on the drugs. Anyway, thanks again everyone. Valerie

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35930
   Posted 2/27/2008 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   
The remeron will help you sleep and is an antidepressant also. I think that it kind of relaxes you. It made me too sleepy, but I also take xanax.

I hope that you feel better, this is hard I know, we are here for you, don't forget that.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/28/2008 4:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Just wondering how you are doing
.was thinking about you today
Lyn
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
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SoninEmotion
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello all,

Unfortunately it hasn't gotten much better for my Mom.  She seems to be sleeping a little better lately; however, she still is having "melt-downs" while at work and at home.  Her and I talk every night on the phone and I am running out of ideas of how to help her.  I am 3.5 hours away from her with a full time job, wife, and a mortgage to worry about so I am unable to be with her except for the weekends.  I feel like we are having the same conversations every night and its not helping.  I assure her that everything will work out but she cannot "see" it happening.  We both know that time is the only thing that will heal her, but I dont' know how much more she can handle.  Since my fathers passing (October 20th) she has had a total of 2 days that she felt "a little better", every other day has been progressively getting worse.  I really hope that the new anti-depressant meds will kick in soon and help (it has been about a week).  We are just really at a stand still right now, I am running out of things to say to her to help this along and it scares the hell out of me.  I feel helpless, all I can do is sit here and hear/watch her just go deeper and deeper.

As always thanks for all of the support.  I am not sure if my Mom will be posting again, but I will try to keep everyone posted if any changes occur, and if anyone has any suggestions I am willing to listen.  Keep in mind though that she lives literally in the middle of nowhere.  She doesn't have anyone that is close enough to come and see her during the week, and I am only able to visit on the weekends until she moves back to Richmond.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35930
   Posted 3/6/2008 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Soninemotion,

I know you probably feel like you are sounding repetative, but just keep telling her over and over.  Because I have a feeling this is what is keeping her going.  Though in our heads we feel like we are repeating things and it isn't helping, it really is.  I have faith that your mom will be doing better soon.  Though the process seems so slow.  It is so obvious how much you care about your mom.  She is very fortunate to have your support.  And it sounds like you are a huge blessing to her.

Good luck, you and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Dee75
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have lost 2 husbands to cancer. I think your going to a grief class us very good. I fInd that I need to keep busy. Do things that make you happy. I went out after my last husband passed away and planted a rose garden. I now have 70 plants and it's beautiful in the summer. I also volunteered at the library. That's a wonderful place to volunteer. There a so many places that need help. I crochet afghans for the cancer center at the hospital.
I have gone to mental health groups to help me learn how to deal with my fears. There you realize that your not alone and they have ideas that help. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace. Hugs, Dee

depression, anxiety, panic attacks
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Ides
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 6859
   Posted 3/6/2008 11:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I lost my husband unexpectedly 19 months ago. He died the day before our 30 wedding anniversary from unknown causes while we were on vacation. I understand the "inertia" you are experiencing. The inability to make decisions, no matter how small, is one of the ways we cope with our reality. If we don't face what needs to be done, then this really awful, tragic event didn't happen in our lives.

Valerie, the very best thing I did was join a bereavement group. All the members were about my age and had lost their spouses. We would discuss our feelings, some would cry; we shared the memories of our dearly departed spouses and would all cry together; we talked about the day to day struggles we each faced and commiserated and vented and eventually could laugh.

In our community, the group I joined was run by a counselor through the funeral home I used. There are several other offerings in my community also...none charge a fee. Some groups meet in the day but the majority were evening meetings to accomodate those still having to work.

Valerie, please feel free to email me if you feel the need to "talk." I so recall being where you are - it just sucks.
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Sabrina-FR
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/10/2008 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband passed away on 26th March 2006, just 4 days after he was diagnosed with leaukemia. Everyday I count the days since his passing and it is day 351 today. I cry myself to sleep every night and put up a smiley face in the morning for my 4 yr old.. I try not to cry in front of him but yet I still do at times. I cry every morning driving to work and cry on the way home. I keep myself busy at work and at home.. I talk to him every night and go to the graveyard every weekend just to be close to him and to let reality kick in.. Am i just crazy coz I cant accept what has happaened and I just dont want to accept the fact that he's gone? i've tried so much to face the truth, to take a step at a time, but it hurts.

SoninEmotion
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/10/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Sabrina, like I told my Mom you have to keep reminding yourself that everything will be OK. It has obviously been a long time since your husband passed away and I pray that you find your way very soon. I am sure he is looking down on you wishing you would get better not only for yourself but also your 4 year old.

I think a lot can be said about actually speaking positive words to yourself. I asked my Mom to tell herself outloud "I can do this" because all she has been saying to herself is "I can't, I can't, I CAN'T", but this is one of the worst things to do in my opinion. Hearing yourself speak the words can do wonders. Good luck Sabrina and I hope you find what you need to move on. Remember that moving on is not an insult to your late husband, it is a way to set him free from worry that you arent' OK.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 35930
   Posted 3/10/2008 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sabrina,

It can be very hard when you lose your soulmate.  You are comiing to the anniversary date and it can really be saddening.  So just go with it.  Everybody grieves differently.  And it can take a long time.  Just let it out, that is healthy and cleansing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.  You will be okay, this is normal.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 3/11/2008 6:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sabrina,

As people have already said... people grieve in different ways and there is no shame in sheding(sp) a tear or two. Perhaps you can mark the occasion and remember the good times that you have shared together. When my grandad died, I planted a rose bush with white roses. Because I am at uni a lot of the time (away from home) my mum (it was her dad) makes sure he always gets the first rose that comes (It ties in with his anniversary). And we know if he's been good because the roses keep coming until his birthday (Which is usually the last). Neither me or my mum know about losing a spouse, but I imagine it is similar to losing a close family member. I hope you manage to get through this. Im sure your husband would want you to.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Sabrina-FR
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/11/2008 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I thank you for the kind words and thoughts. I do try to make things as normal as it should be for my 4 yr old. I send him to school, go out every weekend, go to the movies, eat out and do what most families do. I can pretend to be happy and act as though nothing has changed, but the thing is, after my 4 yr old goes to bed, I'm back being sad and weepy.. Worse part is I keep pretending that he is away at work or he cant be reached, just so that I could get through the day and night.. They say it takes time.. but as time goes by, it hurts more than ever..
He was on a foreign assignment and took us along with him and we had the best 4 mths together before his passing. It was like God's way of giving us the chance to be together as a family. (we always have MIL and the nannny with us since we got married). It's almost a year now and I have yet to unpack the things we shipped back home as I do not have the courage to go through the shipment. I only unpacked the toys for my boy.. as for the rest of the things, mine included - they're all still in the unopened boxes.
i must sound crazy or out of my mind, but I dont know how else I can help myself.. I know he would not want me to be this way and I dont want him to see me this way, but it is just so hard to be without him and having to live without him.
thank you for listening..
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