Difficult days and Empty nights

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faithfully4you
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   Posted 2/27/2008 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi  Everyone~
i imagine that everyone is getting tired of my boohooing about what I m going through lately.  I sit here tonight kinda sad.  I am patching some old jeans, they are my favorite jeans so I hope the patches hold, I do kinda have a big butt, LOL
 
I am not sure if any of you watch American Idol but this was something that my baby and I enjoyed together for many years.  It seems like no fun without him.  I wasnt watching it for awhile because it was too hard but I am trying to watch it, I keep waiting for him to call and say , "hey, can I come over tonight and watch AI?"  That would make my day if only for a short few hours just to see him laugh and do all the crazy stuff that he does, just one time would make me so happy.
 
My depression is pretty much raging lately.  I did get out and do some errands.  In fact tomorrow is the grand opening of my favorite store and I am going to go tomorrow afternoon and check it out.  This is something else he and I shared.  I know I am love sick but isnt it great to see that there is still undying love in this world, just the thought of him thinking of me makes me feel better.
 
My depression seems to be a little harder to handle in the late winter going into spring instead of late fall into winter.  I am having a hard time lately and hope that I have some new info about the surgery I spoke of.
 
Well just thought I would get on here for a little bit.
Teresa 


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 2/27/2008 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Just thought I would pop in and say hello Teresa.  I know what you mean, this is such a hard time of year for me also.  It is so cold tonight.  I wish spring would come.  I would feel so much better.  I am sure that you would too.  Maybe we can all help each other make it till spring.

Hugs Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
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   Posted 2/28/2008 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

I hope you are feeling better today... I know you are going to get through this.

I also seem to get worse during this time of year,I am getting to the point to where I can't even stand to look at my b/f... tired of being cooped up in this house all of the time.

UGH

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


bionca
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 2/28/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,
 
I think we all have a touch of the winter "blahs". It's so hard to do anything with the bitter cold and the nasty weather.  Keep your chin up girl, better days are coming for all of us.
 
Bionca
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/28/2008 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
Just got back from my trip to the store, it was so insanely busy that I felt a little clostraphobic.  I see couples laughing together and showing each other the things they find.  I guess today I realized that maybe I shouldnt be holding on like I am.  During my times of memories it reminds me that he has gotten on with his life and laughs and enjoys times like this without me, no I dont expect his life to stop but I guess I dont understand why he doesnt miss me.  I know there has been a lot of hurt between us and maybe it is easier because he was the one that was hurt the most.
 
I am extremely heartsick this afternoon because I guess I should stop looking for him to come see me, afterall I am realizing that he doesnt love me anymore.  I just dont see how he can go day to day without seeing me, I know for a fact that if I didnt think he would be mad, I would surely call him or stop and see him but I respect his decision to go on without me.
 
I am really sad, really sad and dont know what to do with myself
 
How do I let go of him like he has me?
 
I saw a friend of mine today and she said that I look really thin.  I told her that I havent been feeling good.  I just know that my depression would not be as bad if I could wake up tomorrow over 4 years ago, but I wont.
 
REally depressed guys.
Teresa 


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 2/28/2008 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Teresa,

I know that it is hard for you, especially now, but just remember we are here for you. I can't say or do anything that will bring him back to you, all I can do is offer you advice. I wish it were different for you. I hope that you can think of this as the beginning of something instead of the end.

I wish for you the most wonderful evening.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/28/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

I don't know what else to say to you than you deserve to be happy.

If there is anyone on the site that I wish I could wave a magic wand at, it is you.

I don't know your pain. I have not loved someone that much besides my kids.
I have not let myself get that far,and doubt I ever will.

But I do believe that you will be able to breathe normally one day.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 2/29/2008 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks you guys,
I always feel validated when I see what you say to me because I know that comes from the heart.
 
Something weird happened last night, while I was sleeping I thought someone walked into my room.  I thought for a moment it was him.  I must have fallen asleep quickly while waiting for him to let me know he was here.  I leave my door unlocked at night just in case.  When I woke up this morning, everything was in place so I am not sure what I heard.
 
I feel ok today, I went out and shoveled my drove a couple times and cleaned out my car I am going to try to get another car this weekend.
 
I forgot to tell you that some good friends whom I havent seen for almost a year came over last Thursday.  It was so good to see them and find out how everyone was.  They still arent married and Sr. says why spoil a good thing. We talked about my attempt and what had happened before, during and after, it made Sr. cry one more reason to not attempt again.
 
It is good to know that I have a friend that is close if I need anything, although I dont make it a habit to ask anyone to help me.
 
It is the weekend and you know how depressed I get, It just seems like they are just like the rest of the week  just more difficult to get through.
 
 


Teresa 


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/1/2008 5:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

Isn't it great to see friends that you haven't seen in a long time.

You know,, I have been having a really hard time these days..and the weekends are worse. I am so angry,and I hate feeling that way. It seems that everyone I come in contact with just annoys me and I am not usually like that at all.

I hope you are ok this weekend.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/1/2008 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy~
 
I have been up for about 2 hours and I am feeling kinda bad.  For the past several weeks I have been getting up in the middle of the night and drinking 2-3 cans of soda.  I go right back to sleep but I am pretty tired all day.  I am going to see my doc because I am sure that it is the beginning of diabetes.  I get and have the shakes several times a day and I have noticed it is centered around sugar metabolism.  Just another illness to battle.
 
Yes it is good to see friends after a long period of time, I have another friend that I havent talked to in about 2 months, I miss her as well.  There was never any closure to that but she wanted it that way.  I guess once again someone I love feels it best to be without me, you would think that I would get used to this. Maybe I am and just dont know it.
 
I am going to try to look at vehicles today and make a decision on a car, I just wish I didnt have to do it myself.  I know that I have to do this fast, I dont want to put anymore money into the one I have.  The cars I find are up around Bedford, I dont know why the dealers around here do not have what I want.
 
I hope you feel better as well, its too bad we live so far apart we could car shop together and I could share my stress with you......what you wanted, huh?
 
Try to have a good day, I know how hard it is but we must go on, right?
Teresa 


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
I hope that the doctor says it is not diabetes!! But,if so you can manage it I know.

My best friend moved to Ny about 3 years ago and got married...since I am dating her nephew (funny huh?) I have tried emailing her and talking to her about problems but she does not respond..so I am sure (even though we swore it would not happen) that it is too close to home for her and makes her uncomfortable..I really miss her,and have no one in my life that I feel comfortable to talk to anymore.

Buying a car is so nerve wracking! But it is kind of exciting too...

Good Luck and let us know what you decide.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 3/2/2008 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   

There are a lot of older friends that I don't hear from anymore, but I still can feel that we are still friends and care about eachother.  I think that people all just get on with their own lives, and may not converse, but still care deeply for eachother.  That is when you know that they are a good friend.

I wish you all a wonderful day, the sun is trying to come out, Yeah!

I also hope you don't have diabetes.  But if you do, it is manageable.  You might have to go to diet pop, yuck.  But you can get use to it.  I did.

hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/2/2008 2:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,
Again today I have not felt well and my son actually doesnt feel well either.  I am going to try to contact my doc here in my city tomorrow.
 
I have been in tears most of the day.  I bought two little aquatic frogs about 3 years ago.  I know this may sound silly to some but one smallest frog, alby died in my hands this morning.  I have two of them alby and crazy legs and now crazy legs just sits at the bottom of the fishbowl I have them in until I can figure out why alby died.  My shark also died but I was not close to him.
 
I know I may seem a little immature but my pets are the only thing I have besides my kids that love and depend on me.When it comes to losing something it is devasting. 
 
I did find a job in the paper that I am going to apply for, it has me written all over it, that made me happy.  I have discovered that I must go to work, well or not because I will not make it even here at this rent, financially.
 
I am torn between emotions and I dont think that is helping anything.  I am also sad about babytiger, I will miss her caring words.
 
Just seems like I am in a nightmare and I cant get out, I just wish that I could talk to someone who understands my sadness, not my therapist but someone close enough to me that they can feel the pain I am feeling.
 
Tomorrow is a whole new day, right?
Teresa 


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/2/2008 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   

Teresa,

I love your name as you spell it the same as my MIL and I love her dearly. 

I am married but I have a hubby that is not into the social life that much.  Since I quit work over 2 years ago I have lost contact with so many friends.  They moved on and I am stuck here in my place. 

I too am trying to work my way out of this loss of companionship.  Each night I watch TV with y hubby but during the day he is very busy with his projects.  He is a good man and I love him but I do get lonely and I do cry too.

Tommorow is a new day.  I am praying for you.  Stay in the moment and you will make it.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40599
   Posted 3/2/2008 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

I have pets too, two dogs.  They are both getting up there in age and I know when they leave me I will be devastated also.  They become so close to you and love unconditionally.  I hope you can get another frog.  That would be good for crazy legs. 

I hope that you have a wonderful night.  I hope that you get that job.  That would be so awesome.

Hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/3/2008 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

Did you get my email?
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/3/2008 9:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Shy~
No email from you.  My email is so messed up since I left aol, I am ready to scream!!!  I am not a computer person at all and I feel s stupid when I am on here.
 
I woke up this morning and found one of my angel fish was dead this was my son's and of course he was heartbroken.  I just wish I knew why all of a sudden my pets are dying.  Crazy Legs just lays at the bottom of the bowl, it is like he is just waiting to die, I dont know what to do, I feel helpless and like it is my fault that I did something wrong.
 
I havent been outside today but it looks like it is nice, it doesnt really matter to me though, I dont know why.
 
Well just wanted to check in with you and say hello.
Teresa 


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
I was just making sure you were ok.

From having fish before,I know that they can get an illness and it affects all of them.
I doubt it was anything that you did.

Before you get any more,I would scour out the tank really good.

So sorry about the computer problems that is so frustrating!!!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/4/2008 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Shy~
My other frog died during the night so all my aquatic animals are dead.  I did sterilize the tank and all the contents.  I am really depressed today, one because of my frogs but it is really ugly outside.  I feel exceptionally lonely today, more than most days.  I did get my laundry done this morning so that was done, I had just enough money todo it, my money situation is scaring me right now, I have had to cancel doc appts because 1. I dont trust my car that far 2. They wont see me unless I pay on my account with them.
 
So yes I am struggling lately, just want to smile.
Teresa 


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/4/2008 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Theresa this is so weird, but reading your posts are like what i am living!! First my husband has left me and getting on with his life without me with a (man), i just feel like he has died, it's so like a bereavement, but the only thing is he's alive, living life and doing things and it's not with me. Then our wee fish of 2 yrs died this morning, how weird is that??

I hope you are feel better soon, take care,

Gillian x 


Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/4/2008 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Gill~
I know what you are saying.  This is going to be wrong to say and I would never wish it upon anyone but it would be easier to get over him if he had passed away.  In saying that, I think about him being with her, laughing, going through serious things you know getting enjoyment out of life, and you wonder how you are going to feel like that without him.
 
I know that I amgoing to have to give up on him because he has on me and that kills me.  What I wouldnt give just to see him once more, to smell him and to look at him like I use to  do  when it was bedtime, I would give anything!!!!!
 
I guess I have to understand with each passing day that he will never come to see me again.  I was lying when I said I dont watch for him to come over, I am here every evening, just hoping tonight would be the night.
 
I guess I have to let him go, I just wish I could see him.
 
It is hard being so in love isnt it?


Teresa 


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/4/2008 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Very hard, i too miss his smell to and wish just wish for once more.
It's slightly different for me as the other person is a man.
Plus my boys are only 5 & 3 so they have regular contact with their daddy and sometimes his friend comes too, its so unreal when they come into my house and then leave together and i am coping better with it.

take care Teresa,

Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Gill~
No matter what sex your soulmate is with is just as hard as another couple.  I have sat here tonight praying for a visit or call to see how I am and of course I am still sitting here wishing for just ONE more night, I know at this time that there cant be "us" for now but I would welcome his touch even though I know that is all I can have right now. 
 
I want to have an night like it is the last night of our lives.  Have you heard that song by Alicia Keys?  It makes me cry because of what is going on.  If I knew the last time I touched him would be the last, I would cherish it like I do everytime we have been together just in a different way.
 
I am hoping that this is the week he may show up at my door, there is noone in this world that I want more to touch me more than him, every night I wait for just one more time.
 
Believe me, I know what it is like to love beyond limits.  I cant say to hang on because for the first time in my life I truly dont think he will show up.  In fact I am convinced that within the next couple weeks, he is truly over me, then I guess it will only be a wish that never came true.
 
Do what you can do but remember you deserve to be happy too.
Teresa 


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/5/2008 3:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Teresa,
I have been thinking about you all night, I don't like thinking you are sitting there waiting for something that won't happen. I did it for nearly a year, my husband left last March and it's only now i am beginning to realise I have to let go and move on.

Everyone kept saying "how can you not hate him for what he has done" but they have not been through it and don't know how much I loved him and still do, I must admit if it were to have happened to a friend I probably would be saying the very same thing. You just don't know until you are going through it yourself.

How long have you been separated? You may have already said but forgive me, I can't remember. Have you just the one chld?

Thanks for sharing with me and remember YOU are the most important person in your world and never forget it! I know how hard it is but be strong and please talk to me anytime, I know what it's like.

Gillian ((((((( HUGS)))))))
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/5/2008 3:10 AM (GMT -7)   
P.S. I must try and listen to that song, I don't know if I heard i or not.

Gill x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.

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