I feel really trapped

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bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 2/28/2008 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
This is my first time actually posting my own problem so I hope I don't say anything inappropriate. I have fought depression for a long time and have won many battles, but with the way my life is going right now, I'm afraid I may slip. My husband has a serious drug problem and won't get help. He's caused us a great deal of financial hardship. I've almost had our home forclosed on 3 times in the past year. Somehow, I always manage to save our home and keep the bill collectors at bay. I've been with him for over 20 years. My husband is very good at causing mental anguish. I know I need to leave here but that's very scary. I'm trying to save money (in secret) so that one day, I can just be gone.  I've tried to leave him before and he just goes nuts, so this time I just want to be gone.  I'm so afraid I'm going to fall back into severe depression. Not only that, but work has been slow so I've been on all 3 shifts in the last 2 months. My body doesn't know what's going on. Right now, I'm on 3rd shift just trying to survive another layoff at work.  I could just really use some support right now.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 2/28/2008 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Bionca,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  We are here to support you.  I am glad that you are putting money away for this situation.  It is sad that you have to do that but it is a good idea just in case.

Addiction is a disease and I know that it is hard to live with, especially when it could cause you to lose your home.  Is there anyway you could get him some help?  Would he talk to somebody if you ask him to?  Do you have children?

I hope that we can help you through this.  Just remember that we are here for you. Write and let us know what is going on at this time.

hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


behindtheseeyes00987
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 2/28/2008 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Bionca,

Really sorry to hear about this. It sounds really rough and I hope that things work out for you.

it's true...addiction is near impossible to deal with. I hope that if your husband refuses help/assistance from anyone, he comes to realize he needs to really be treated. it sounds like this is really taking a toll on you, and why wouldn't it? Perhaps maybe you could try and find a job in which you could work more hours...possibly earn more pay?(if thats what you really want). Keep saving your money to the best you can because you definetly dont deserve to be sucked into your husbands addiction problems if hes not willing to get better. I dont know quite how serious this is w/your husband...if it is very bad to starts to become that, maybe something to really think about is moving out and possibly getting a restraining order. I'm saying this because what's important here is your happiness and your safety.

always remember that we're all here to support you. I really do hope things work out for the best with yourself and your husband and your home.
Let us know.
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"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
 
 


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/3/2008 7:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your replies. Things here become increasingly worse. I just spent from Thursday - Sunday tucked away in my room. Not by anyone making me, but because it's my safe haven so to speak. The drug situation with my husband isn't any better and to make matters worse my brother in law also lives with us. Just him being here is taking a heavy toll on my heart because he fights constantly with my son. My son is to the point he that he doesn't even sleep here 90 percent of the time because he doesn't want to deal with his uncle. The fact that this man lays on my couch and hogs my television and does next to nothing overwhelms me. He's filled with more negativity than any one I have ever met. My situation makes me feel so hopeless and I know depression is starting to get the better of me again. My husband and I had quite the discussion over him which ended up with me hurting my husband and screaming I want a divorce. To make matters worse, this happend in front of our son and his friends. I really feel quite ashamed. The thoughts I'm having aren't good ones and I think I may be slipping back into depression rapidly.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/3/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Keep posting Bionca, we are here for you. I know that this is such a hard situation. I am sorry that you had to fight in front of your son and his friends, but sometimes it just happens that way. Maybe your husband had to hear that so he could realize what he is doing to you. I hope that he gets help soon, though I imagine he doesn't feel he needs help right now except to get more of his drugs. Drug addiction is a hard one and sometimes it takes bottoming out to realize it. I don't know what he is on, but I can just imagine. Please keep posting, we will try to come up with some answers for you.

Luv and hugs,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 3/3/2008 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Bionca - my dear, I think you are writing the story that I once lived! I used to hide out in the bedroom, too, or pull extra shifts at work...at one time even working 3 jobs so I didn't have to be there except when our kids were at home...and I didn't want him near them. Eventually, he failed another drug test while in the DUI class and was told he had to go to daily treatment classes or go into an "intensive inpatient rehab." I finally convinced him it was better to go to the inpatient treatment by himself rather than having the police come get him and take him there, or to jail. I don't know if that was his rock bottom or if it was me telling him while in rehab that I wanted him clean or I didn't want him at all. See, even during all that time he didn't work....couldn't get a job because he couldn't pass a drug test. I was the only financial support and all of these drugs were given to him by "friends" that would stop by...they just wanted someone to party with and a place to do it. I was enabling all of that by not being there to put my foot down, but I couldn't be there, I had a $1200 house payment to make, plus food, utilities, car payment....so I had to be at work, albeit not as much as I made myself work.

You have to take care of you and your child(ren). I became a very cold person because of all of that. He would think that maybe if he didn't drink for a day that everything was better and maybe he could get a little sumthin, sumthin. I was repulsed by him and what he was doing. I was deeply depressed and scared. I thank God for that program making him. This was almost 10 years ago, we've been together for 20 years....and we are still repairing the damage he did to us.



I am sorry but your post had to be edited

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted

Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 3/4/2008 5:56:07 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/3/2008 12:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I just want to say that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Just don't give up, keep pushing, I know that is easier said than done, but I think it is wonderful you can both support eachother, you have similar situations.

We are here for both of you, you will survive, it is a rocky road, but it can be traveled. Keep up the good work. You are strong women.

Luv and hugs,
Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/4/2008 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Karen. Big troubles in my home today. My son is devastated and I've had enough. I've been trying to sleep for the last 5 hours and I've been woke up by nonsense 4 times now. I've been trying to lay down the law so to speak. My brother in law is so nasty to our son and threatened to hit him again. I told my husband enough is enough. His brother has got to go. My husband threatened to leave today. I told him go ahead, just make sure he takes his brother with him. I told him I'm not losing my son over all this crap. My husband needs to "step up to the plate" and start being a man again. Maybe the fact that our son and I are both ready to say goodbye and good riddens will be enough of a wake up call. My son is the most important person in all the world to me and sometimes I think he is the only reason why depression doesn't completely take me over. I'll keep you posted what happens. Thank goodness for our chat rooms. I don't always talk about my issues as I am quite ashamed. It's just nice to have somewhere to go, have people ask "How are you?" and they actually mean it.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 3/4/2008 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
First off, I think I have to apologize to the mods because I think my original post may have been against rules since it discussed drug use, although it was past use, so I am not sure.....

Bionca-
Addiction is a very strong disease, please don't be surprised if he chooses the drug over you and your son. See, that is what made me so, so cold....was being hurt so many times that he chose the drug over me and our children. As a mother, we would die for our children, how can some nose candy change the "protector" man into a someone who didn't care about us. How could he possibly care about us, and why should I care about him. He was killing himself and I COULDN'T care....I hardened myself because I wasn't going to allow it to affect my children. We went camping, I took them to the park, we went just about anywhere so I could get them away from there when they weren't in school.

I have a feeling his threat of leaving (and hopefully taking his brother with him) is an empty one. He doesn't see that he is in the wrong, HE thinks YOU are the one being a bit@* and is going to try to turn it around on you, trying to making you believe it is YOUR fault. I thought sooooo many times that I had gotten thru to him when I would be crying, sobbing uncontrollably, while we discussed things....but the drug was winning. He went thru that inpatient rehab I posted about before, came home, and 3 months later started using again. I finally got to the point where I'd had enough, if he didn't care, then neither did I. I quit one job (I had 3) and could no longer pay the bills. I finally opened up to my parents who lived on the east coast (I was on the west)....I let the house go into foreclosure and sent all that money to my parents to put into an account here so all I had was a debit card....I told him the house was gone, it was all gone, I was done and so were the kids, and that we were moving to the east coast. If he wanted to come he had to be clean, if not then he was on his own with his drug....he could go see how well his drug supported him with a roof and food because I wasn't doing it anymore.

Moving was the best thing....I have the support of my family now whereas before I was alone. He hasn't gone back to using, in part because were in a brand new place and people weren't dropping by daily to feed his need. He was finally able to get a job because he could pass a drug test for once in his adult life....and now I only work ONE job!

I'm am not at all saying it is easy. Like I said before, we are still working on fixing what he did to us, to me. When he drinks a beer after work some days I still feel that familiar wrench in my gut and want to revert back to hiding like before.

I am here for you, and I have been there....kinda still am there because it isn't fixed....I do know what you are feeling and going through and I support you completely.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and baclofen
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/5/2008 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Bionca

Is there anyway that your son can stay with a relative until the brother in law moves out?

That is a great step in laying down the law,I hope it works out..and good for you for protecting your son.

What if the two of you just got a hotel room,and you had the police move him out?
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/5/2008 6:27 AM (GMT -7)   
My son is now currently staying at his friends house, who is also a neighbor. This hurts me know than you know, but it is necessary for now. If anything, it's renewed my backbone. This will end soon and I do mean soon. This is my son's home and I'm not allowing anyone to drive him out of it, but I do need to keep him safe and that is what I've done. My husband says he is going to tell his brother he has to move out. I've given them to Friday. I'm to the point as much as I love my husband, I will always be a mother first. That's just how it's got to be. As far as getting a hotel room, I'm not being driven out of my own home, especially by someone like my brother in law. He has no legal claim to our home. My blood, sweat, tears, and money have gone into this place, not his. I just hope I can stay as strong as I need to be to get thru all of this. Having you guys here at HW really helps me, and thank you so much for your support. As far as my husband's drug problem goes, I'm too the point that if drugs are more important than us, then so be it, but he can't stay here either. If he does clean up his act and he stays, there is alot of healing that needs to be done. Our relationship has been damaged badly by all this. It will take a long time for it to mend.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/5/2008 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bionca,
I think what you have done is the right thing and getting the bro-in-law out is your next priority, then you and your husband need to sit down and talk seriously about his problems, he needs to get help, for the sake of his son if not for himself.
You have come a long way together, you are being so strong, I hope things work out for you.
I don't know how you manage with so many shifts you must be exhausted. Please take care,

Gillian x
Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/5/2008 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Bionca and Mochiah,

My heart goes out to both of you. You are making the right decisions. You and the children come first. That is the way it should be. I am so proud of both of you. Keep supporting eachother, this brings healing and that is what this place is all about.

Again I am so proud of both of you, you are both doing such a good job.

Hugs, to both of you... Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/6/2008 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Stay strong and always remember that you deserve to be happy,and I know you will get through this.
I hope your husband makes the right choices, please keep us posted on how things are going.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/6/2008 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, just when you think things couldn't get any worse, they do. This morning when I hopped on the computer, I discovered my son was downloading about 30 xx rated movies. I found a whole computer screen full of titles of these movies he had on his limewire and media player. Besides this, girls have been sending him nude pictures on his phone. I let my son know just how disgusted I was by all this and now he's taken off again. Ya know, I'm convinced I just can't win. I'm so tired of trying to fight the good fight. Maybe I should just move out and say to blazes with everybody. I'm going back to bed and I don't care. One person should not have to deal with all the crap that I am dealing with.


Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Bionca,

I am so sorry that you had to find this out.  Boys your son's age are full of hormones at that time.  Actually they are on their way to becomming young adults.  It is kind of like buying a smutty magazine use to be.  I think you have to explain to him the risks of diseases with promiquity (sp) and to take saftey precautions.  I know that this is hard for you, and you worry about the type of people that he is around to cause this behavior.  But I think that talking to him is the best thing to do, and do it when you have cooled down from this.  I would be so much more worried if it were a girl, not that you shouldn't be worried.  That is only natural.  But I think that the most important issue at this point would be to talk to  him  about responsibility about his actions and stress the importance of safe sex.   And tell him not to download the pictures on your computer.   What he is doing can become and addiction issue, so find out if he is doing this out of curiousity or a feeling of need to see.

I hope that this helped you some, hopefully somebody will come along with some better answers.


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/7/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Karen. I know sometimes boys will be boys and I realize his curiosity is natural, and I wouldn't be quite so concerned if he just had one or two, but there were just soooo many. And I am concerned about him developing a problem with this. I'm to the point right now that part of me just wants to throw in the towel and tell everyone here that they win. Part of me just wants to be numb. Perhaps I should be the one to move out since I'm the one who is truly unhappy here. Thank goodness for my little dog for she is the only thing at this point that brings me any happiness. Perhaps, I need some constructive criticism from you guys here at HW. Am I over reacting to all the issues in my house? Am I making mountains out of mole hills? At this time, I'm really doubting myself and I don't know what to think.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 3/7/2008 6:39 AM (GMT -7)   

"Am I making mountains out of mole hills?"

The answer to this depends on the values and rules that exist in your house. From a personal point of view, I would not worry about it too much. Its much cleaner and safer than the real thing and it is a natural curiosity thing for boys that age. Keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesnt get out of hand and perhaps try talking to him if that is an option.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/7/2008 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   

I don't think you are making mountains out of molehills.  I know the that it is hard with your husbands addiction problems.  Your bil is making it tense with his actions towards your son.  I think that this is putting a lot of stress on you.  Then to find your son with the websites on your computer.  I think that it was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Your son is naturally curious, but yes, that is a lot of websites to be downloading on the computer.  Tell him to go out and get a magazine, it will last him longer,LOL>  Though this is not laughing matter.  But step back, take a deep breath and try to relax, it will help to make this much easier to handle.  In the meantime, we are here for you, so vent, vent, and vent some more.  I love the fact that you have the unconditional love of your dog.  I have two and there are times that I wouldn't know what to do without them.  They are so comforting.

I wish you luck with this situation.  Keep posting.

luv and hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/7/2008 10:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone. After reading your post Karen, I just sat back and let out a giant sigh. My brain is constantly racing at this point. Sometimes I feel so weak and weary, then other times, I feel like I get some kind of second wind, and I'm ready to tackle all of my dillema's again. I know I'm living in a very explosive household and it seems like the more I try to make it a normal one, the harder it gets. I try hard to be the good wife and the good mother but sometimes I think enough is enough. With all this stuff going on in my life, I'm so afraid severe depression may take over, so I'm also battling that as well. I don't want to end up in a hospital again. Being the only female in this house (besides my dog - lol) can be overwhelming too. It's like trying to survive in a giant bachelor pad. I'll keep posting and thank you so much for paying attention to me. I really need it right now.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/7/2008 12:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Bionca, 

I think that you are a good wife and mother, you can't be responsible for somebody elses actions.  You can only do so much so please don't think that you have failed, because you haven't.  You are just facing some hurdles right now do to other's behavioral issues. 

Take that deep breath and try to relax, you will be feeling stronger in no time.  I am afraid that if you don't relax you will end up more depressed.  And this is a situation that is no means your fault.  You are doing the best that you can, and that is all that you can do.  You can't change what other people are doing and trying to cope with all of this can be so taxing. 

Try to do something relaxing like a nice bath or reading a good book, whatever makes you feel comfortable.  You will in that way be able to recharge your battery so to speak.  Then it will be so much easier to handle the situation at hand.

Are you getting any counseling to help you deal with what is going on?  I think that would help you so much.  In the meantime, keep posting.  We are hear for you.  I was reading on the anxiety forum, there is a thread that has something to do with coping skills.  I can't remember right now what it is called.  I think the person who wrote it is called Mystruggle.  If you get a chance, take a few minutes and read the thread.  It has some very good information on coping skills and relaxation.  I think that it would benefit you.

Luv and hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/7/2008 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Bionca

Hormones are normal. There is nothing you can do that about that,and they will settle down in the future I promise.
This does not make you a bad mom, even though we hate the idea of Porn,it is something that all men and boys discover in their lives.

You need to chalk this up as a "growing up" portion of your son's life.

Now, as for a parents word... let him know that he needs to get his own computer if he is going to do those things simple as that.

Believe me, I have "Discovered" some things within my son's territory that totally freaked me out..and it took awhile for me to realize that this is quite frankly normal.. Even though we hate it!!!!!

On a joking note... this is something that you can hold over his head later in the years!!!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 3/8/2008 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Finally, a good day so far in my home. My husband has been strait for a whole week now. At least it's a start. My son has cooled his jets with the dirty movies, and my brother in law has gotten up off his butt and actually helped me clean the house. I told them all there was gonna be a few changes around here and that I am taking control back of my home. I also told them all that if they didn't like it, there's the door. I can only hope that I stay strong and that this lasts. All I can do is take one day at a time right now and keep my fingers crossed.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 3/8/2008 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Good deal Bionca,

I am so glad that you stood up to them and layed the rules down.  It is only fair that they respect the rules of the house.  I am so glad that your husband has stopped the drugs.  Though it might not be easy for a while.  Hopefully he wont go back to them.  There is usually a hard withdrawal period, depending on what it was.  That sometimes comes after a few days.  But like you said, ONE DAY AT A TIME.  You can do this, you are a lot stronger than you think you are.  I wish you much success.

Have a wonderful day.

Luv and hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 3/9/2008 4:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Im glad that you have had a good day in your house and that you have taken control of your home. It sounds like things are moving forward and that is what everyone deserves. I hope it continues for you and congrats to your husband!

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 

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