Trying To Keep From Crying!!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/3/2008 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
It is Monday evening and I am so sad.  My son left a couple hours ago and here I am facing a couple weeks alone.  I guess I choose this because of what I expect from others.  Especially when dating becomes a reality for me, I have decided to abstain from intimacy until I know that I can love someone like W.  Knowing how much passion and love there was between us, it will take a long time to find someone.  I have nights where I wish W would just come over and hold me for awhile since I have only found comfort in his arms. 
 
I pray everyday for just a night together like before, no strings just the chance to experience what I need.  My mind and body ache for this man, he is amazing.
 
The rest of my fish in my aquarium died today too.  The only one living is crazy leggs.  He looks so alone and you wonder if he misses the other fish.  This has been a sad experience for me as I have had my pets for over 2 years.  Then they all die within 2 days.  Everything that I love just seems to be dying or leaving.
 
I am going to laundry tomorrow morning so that will be done.  I go to a little laundy place up the street, it is ok.
 
On a good note today, I managed to hang a swing on the front porch.  Now I have my swing that makes me happy.
 
Really sleepy and depressed, I miss laughing.
Teresa 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/3/2008 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Teresa,

Swings are so nice and relaxing. Here it is too cold, but it wont be long and I will be out there. Enjoy!

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 3/3/2008 6:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to join you on that swing! They are just so peaceful and relaxing, watching the birds, butterflies, and fireflies..... ahhh, I wish for spring to come.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and baclofen
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/4/2008 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry about your pets,that is hard.

Also, I want to add something.. you said that you are going to stay away from intimacy until you know you can love someone like W.... I don't think you will ever love someone like you have him...but,you can love someone for who they are.

It will be a different love,and that is something you should not shy away from.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/4/2008 11:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Shy~
Once again you have just the right words for me.  You are right, I will never love anyone like W, I know that for a fact, I just feel that starting a new relationship without intimacy will be the decision that I will not change.  The relationship that I had was the most wonderful thing in the world for me and I screwed it up, if I had him back he would see that I was a fool and that being without him is pure torture.
 
Lately I have been seeing signs all over the most recent today in fact it made my heart skip a beat.  I sat and cried becuse I am trying to convince my self that they dont mean anything anymore, they are just so wonderful though it is hard!
 
My other frog died during the night so I started my day out crying and wishing I had a friend to lean on, yea I have friends but none close enough that I want to share something like this with.
 
If I continue to feel this depressed I am thinking about hospitalization, I really dont want togo I just want to feel better.  My doc and talked about the intercranial implant as a possibility, I would let them do anything to me risks or not.  I just want the pain to go away.  I miss laughing and smiling so muich.
Teresa 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/5/2008 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

If you feel that you need to do that,then do it please.

I am very worried about you,you have been through so much and I want you to get better.

I know how it feels to not be able to laugh and cry,we learn to fake it and we are miserable inside.

Please think about the hospital
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/5/2008 6:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy~
 
Last night was rough again for me.  I am really starting to think that either my house has a presence about it, I hate to say that it may a ghost because I believe in angels.  I dont know but there have been a couple times when I thought someone was in the house.
 
I have not slept a full night for over a month.  I go to bed around 10 and I am awake by 2am.  I have no problem going back to sleep I cant understand why I cant sleep.  I have even increased my sleeping pills to no avail.
 
Last evening was especially hard for me as once again a sign.  I was watching AI and one of the contestants sang a song from Celine Dion "Its All Coming Back".  The most ironic part of this song is one that W and I listened to one day.  I played that particular song for him because of what "we" were going through.  This contestant is my favorite and I just though marveled at the choice of song, that song was never played on the radio and if you knew it, it is only because you had listened to her CD.  To me this is the kind of sign that I have been seeing.  During the middle of the song I broke down and called his cell. After a couple rings of course I chickened out.  He never called me back, there was one other time that I called him to as him about our tax guy but even then to he didnt call back.  Like I said, between the signs and faith, I want so much for the purpose of these signs to come to fuition.
 
Shy, dont worry about me, I PROMISE!!!!  I am going to keep my promises to everyone including myself.  I am ok, a little depressed but I am getting through.  Thanks for being such a good friend to.
Teresa 


sun3837
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 3/5/2008 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Teresa ,
I really feel for you.
Are you on meds at the moment? I was just thinking about the "presence" in your house.
Some of the meds have halluzination as side effect. I am not saying there are no ghost or angels but thats a other possibility.If you thinking about hospitalization then do it! I wish I could go back to the hospital in germany I was in. At the end it was the happiest time in my life ( I know its strange) but all the people actually understood me.
I hope you get well soon.
love
hugs,
sun
Cymbalta 60 mg .... Is there hope....
Epilepsy, MDD, PCOS, insulin resistancy and had disc surgery in Jan.
P.S. I really do appologize for any spelling mistakes! (non native English speaker)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/5/2008 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Teresa,

I will try not to write a novel but after my son died I was always noticing signs.  If I was out doing something or driving the car his song would come on, "Unchained Melody"  The tears would pour down my face and I would want to just drive into the corn field and sit there waiting for someone to come and take care of me, to make me better.

I walked around for months thinking people were looking at me as "The lady whose son died in that terrible car crash"

I would sit at the cemetery and always a squirrel would appear and chatter at me.  One day I saw a small deer.  I would walk through the cemetery looking for other stones of young adults and teens who had died tragically as I was looking for other parents that might feel as I did.

That was 17 years ago that the accident happened.  I went to the cemetery on Tuesday and sat in my car and cried my heart out. I called my daughter and told her where I was...........she said " I know your feeling sad Mom"  Hey she validated my feelings and she understood.

I know all about those signs that come out of no where and hit you right in the heart.

If you feel you need to go to the hospital I would support you on your decision.  I do not want you to live your life sad.

I still have bad moments but I have many more good times now.  I will never forget but I will never understand either.  So I pray for strength and I throw myself into helping others and I so want to help you.  Please let me.
Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/5/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Teresa,

I feel your pain. So much so. I wish that there was some way I could take it away for you. Some way that I could make your hopes and dreams come true.

I wonder if you really think that you should go to the hospital, well maybe you should. Or at least talk to somebody about it. Can you talk to your doctor about it? Maybe you could use the rest.

Either way I am here for you. Email me if you need to, my address is in my profile. I am very concerned with your wellbeing. I want so much to see you happy.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/5/2008 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys for your responses. I want you to know that if it werent for you, I would be so lost, healing and you guys are my comfort.  Kitt, I didnt know that you had lost a son to an accident, I am so sorry, I cannot imagine how I would handle that, it makes my problems seem so silly!!!!!
 
As far as the meds I am taking, tons and tons.  That is why we are looking at another invasive brain surgery.  I am taking........
600mg lithium
120mg ritalin-some times I take 80 more
60mg prozac
300mg seroquel
300mg lamictal
100mg Visteral
and dont forget I have the vns as well
I should be doing so much better, even my doc is a little concerned.
My blood pressure has started to climb again
What else?
 
Another night waiting for someone to watch AI with me...........I think maybe he lives too far now.
That makes me more depressed, I want so much to feel like he does, I want it to be easy like it is for him.  Does he think about me?  I think about him night and day, I just want to see him even though it wouldnt change things, this I know.
 
Got my resume done this afternoon, it looks good, I want this job.
Teresa 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/5/2008 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Teresa,

May you get your dream job, A job is a blessing from above and I think it is time for you to rake in some blessings. I wish you all the best and please know I am here, do not hesitate to contact me.

Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/5/2008 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
We all believe in you Teresa!

Good Luck on that job,I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/5/2008 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   

Yes Teresa,

We all do believe in you.  We are so excited about your new job as you are. 

I thought that I took a lot of meds, I can see it is nothing compared to what you take.  How do you remember them all?  I have a hard time filling my pill box at the beginning of the week.  It becomes stressful though if I don't.

I wish for you a wonderful evening.

hUgs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/6/2008 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,
believe me taking that amount of meds is hard to remember.  When I first starting taking them when I got out of the hospital, I used little "tinkerbell" stickers to differentiate the times I took a certain med. That was a good idea and I think that is the way I learned to take them.  Actually that list is nothing compared to all the meds I have taken over the years. I have a grand total of right around 60 different meds.
That is why I feel so hopeless most of the time because with the advanced degree of my depression, "treatment resistant", which is the granddaddy of the chronic severe clinical depression, sometimes I feel like I will never be able to live a happy life.  The reason I say this is I can count on m two hands the times that are truly unforgettable times in my life, how said is that?
 
It just makes the future look so bleak and worthless.  I was sitting here yesterday and thought to myself, I get up everyday, dress, makeup, hair all the things that I coudnt do before, only to sit in my house every day unless I make errands.  Usually when I get ready to go to bed, I realize that during the day if I had any company it is the mailman, FedEx,neighbor, gas meter lady and the occasional visit from the maintence crew fixing something in the house.  Exciting huh????
 
Anyway about my job I am sending out my resume today so keep your fingers crossed for me.  It will be a great experience to use the skills I have obtained from working with the school.
I said that I would not work in the social work field but I am throwing caution to the wind an proving to myself that I can do this.
 
I am ok today, would love to go look at vehicles, I hatedoing so because you just cant go look without a salesman "strangling" you.
 
Well going to get all this fun stuff out of the way.
Teresa 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/6/2008 7:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Good luck on the job you so want Teresa..........YOU really do so desrve some happiness in your life

My first hubby died in 79 I never thought I would be happy again
I do love someone but as the wise ole SHY said it is a different kind of love I will never love anyone as I did Rick

God Bless..........LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

I know how it feels to have the car salesmen driving you crazy.  Do you know that you can nagotiate though.  You can make a lesser offfer on the car and sometimes they will go for it just to make a sale.  Of course that cuts on their commission, but with the economy as it is, they often go for it.  Even if they say the price is firm.  So often it is a buyers market.  I also learned that with furniture and jewelry.  They will come down on the prices, everything is so over priced.  So use some of you skills and try to get them down on the prices.  That way you feel kind of good for getting them back for being so darn pushy.

I truly hope that this works for you, the salesmen get bonuses for how many cars that they sell and will often give up their commission, just to sell another car.  I think that you can do this.  Dicker with them and see how it goes.  For instance, tell them, I really like this car, but I will only spend this much.  They do go for that often. 

Good luck with your resumes.  I know that you will get the job that you are wanting.  You are very smart Teresa, use that brain of yours.

hugs,  Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Gillcom
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 272
   Posted 3/6/2008 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

I'm glad you are feeling slightly better today.

I just want to wish you loads of luck with the job, I so hope you get what you want, you certainly deserve to and you are so smart.

Gillian x


Ileostomy - Feb 05, Hernia on site.
Fluoxetine - 20mg March 05 - july 06
Citalipram - 20mg July 06 - upped to 40mg now.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/6/2008 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

For some reason salesmen do not have a good sense for siizing up women............. I made more money then my hubby and I do not have to ask permission for what I do.

I went to car dealer to pick up my car as the radiator had quit.  They told me it would be $750.00 to fix.  So  I said let me think a minute. I walked around the show room looking at the cars..........NO ONe approached me so I said in my assertive sweety mousy voice  "Excuse Me, could I get some help"

Saleman finally came over and said can I answer a question...........I looked him in the eye and I said " I want to buy this brand new red Pontiac Grand Prix now" Test drove it and loved it.............the salesman said you want to talk to your husband..............

I looked at him and said Why?  It is my car.  Keep the broken one and lets make a deal.  I drove that car home with the sun roof open and the stereo blasting.

Go car shopping sweetie, have a blast.  Make them show you every car in the lot and line them up so you can compare colors.

I will be gone for 4 days so when I get back I will be looking to see how it went for you.  You go girl.
Love
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/6/2008 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the pep talk. I am going to get out in about an hour or so and look at few cars I have had my eye on.  I have found that most salesmen are intimidated by women that look and talk educated and it helps to try dazzle them with impressive knowledge about cars that you just learned an hour before, lol.
 
Just been sorta down today, of course when the sun is out I get depressed.  Not so much with it being cold but when spring comes and the warm weather comes back, I really have a hard time coping.  I am hoping maybe my life will be better then.
 
Still wishing for a visit but I am sure he no longer lives here.  I am too scared to prove myself right and check  it out myself.  My heart couldnt take and I am convinced that I am just better speculating than knowing for sure.  I dont know why it effects me strongly after all in my eyes,he doesnt want to see me, the days that I spent with him are replaced by another.  I guess just recently I have started to tell myself that he has moved on.  That hurts me so bad but he is happy, I guess.
 
He always said if he didnt have all the things a man could need such as heart, body and soul that he would rather be alone.  I guess he just loves her to much to hurt her and that is his decision, I just have never seen a man so strong in his convictions.
 
Well, I have to go and try to get myself in the mood for this. 
 
Oh and Kitt, I know exactly what you mean when you say that have never loved like that again, I can say that also, it just hurts just knowing that unless a miracle happens that will be what you grow old wondering why we never again were together.  I ask God every day for this one thing,PLEASE, well needless to say I have stopped asking.
Teresa 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Well it is about 410pm.  Today has actually been a very depressing day for many reasons but am too depressed to go into that.
 
I didnt go look at cars because I am too poor to even get and it would be my second choice.  I am really not feeling positive today guys, just feel really lost and alone.  I am not going to leave the house tonight because I have decided to sit down with a few glasses of wine or more (i know we are not supposed to drink with our meds) its the only thing I have left to ease the pain of this depression and I refuse to give it up.
 
The phone never rings anymore and trying to find a vehicle is consuming me, I look for reasons to get out of the house but I dont.  I used to go to the flea markets and stores that have little "honey holes" trinkets, It has gotten so bad that I get chest pain just thinking about buying the necessities.  I never in my life have I ever been this close to bankruptcy and I am sure that the loss of my frogs and the lonelines I truly feel will stay with me because he will never be here again, these sre all factors.
 
You guys dont have to worry, I am way over that suicide stuff!!!!
 
Just really could use something to cheer me up.
 
Yoou guys do but you know what I mean.
 
Well My pink catawba awaits.

Teresa 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

Please don't drink too much wine, you take so many different medications and very high doses.  You know we are going to worry about you.  Maybe just a small glass to relax, though in all honesty, I want to tell you not to drink at all. 

We really care about you here, we know how hard that you have been struggling.  Maybe a nice relaxing bath or a good television show would make you feel better.  Do you ever rent movies?  I like comedies of course because they make me laugh.  We could all use that from time to time.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.  And please be careful with the alcohol.  You have me a little worried, though I am a worrier anyway.  Can't help it , especially with people that I care so much about.

Take care, relax and try to be careful.

Luv and hugs,

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Teresa,

I am dreaming of a new car too and I do not have the money for one so I drive my old granny car and it makes me feel old.  Somewhere we have to find the faith to accept things as they are.  I am not a young chicky anymore and I have to let go of  wanting to go back in time.  I am in a new time zone now and there must be great things here for me.

So like Dorothy, I am off to see the wizard to see what new and fun thing I might enjoy.  I so love to help people.  If I was near you we could go drive the car dealers nutso. 

I ride a motorcycle, you want me to teach you?  I live in a cold state and I hate cold weather, next winter I have vowed to spend 3 weeks somewhere warm even if it is under the board walk in Miami. 

Please take care and  smile, even if it is through the tears, smile for me.

Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys~
Yes I am still up......I am fine, really.  I have gotten used to the silence and going to bed every night feeling a loss. 
 
Have you ever loved someone so much that you ache?  I mean really ache from your head to your toes.  Tonight has been one of those nights when I wonder if I can do without that touch. Just that touch.
 
I am trying to keep the faith and it is crazy the amount of signs that I see every day.  I wonder if he sees them too.  I don't think he does because he is staying away from me.  I would love to see his face and smell his skin.  And the touch that I talk about would be mine just for a short while, I would give anything.
 
My depression is staying the same and I am getting tired.  The sad part is that I will go to bed in a little bit and I will be up wishing I had that chest to go back to sleep.  I used to love the time when we would get into bed, it was the most wonderful things in the world, in the world!
 
I only had a couple glasses of wine and I am working on a new resume.  But I am ok.
goodnight.
Teresa 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 3/6/2008 10:25 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

I hope that you are feeling well.  Though I do worry when you say that you are drinking wine.  Not that you would get drunk or anything like that, but daily consumption will make you more depressed.  I like to drink a couple of beers everyday, but I haven't been and I noticed that my depression has lifted some.  So I know that the beers were making me depressed and I didn't get a buzz even.  I just want you to know that I worry because I care about you and your well being.  So enough of that. 

I hope that you are having a wonderful evening.  Take care.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Thursday, December 08, 2016 3:16 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,734,933 posts in 301,260 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151367 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, vtu15.
377 Guest(s), 13 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Thankuall, blueberrymuffin, abb, PromisedaRainbow, chrisp1, Rikky1, dismissed, mpost, smlafleur, wpack3, DennisinNY, vtu15, multifacetedme


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer