Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 3/10/2008 6:08:51 AM (GMT-6)
First of all, welcome to the healing well depression forum. We are here for you and you don't need to be afraid. Everybody here is very understanding and nobody will judge you. So I hope that you will feel comfortable enough to continue posting.
First and foremost you need to remember that none of this was your fault. Often people who suffer with past abuse will tend to blame themselves one way or another. So I want to make it clear that you aren't to blame for anything. I am sure your counselor has told you that also.
One thing to remember and feel safe about is that our mind is only going to disclose the amount of information that we can handle. Our mind protects us in this way so that we don't freak out so to speak. That would most likely be the reason that you cannot see the face of the abuser. That will come when you are able to handle it. I think that you should go to your next counseling session to explore this. Evidently you feel safe with your counselor or you wouldn't have come this far. You could be dealing with post traumatic stress disorder at this time and I feel the counseling is a very iimportant aspect here. And if the person becomes visable to you, what better place could you at during that time? You trust your counselor and they will guide you through it in a way that you can handle it. You would be amazed how you will feel when this is revealed to you. The person cannot hurt you anymore and you will arrive at the conclusion that you are in a safe place now.
I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but think of this as a healing process. I read a book a few (quite a few) years ago called "the healing journey" that dealt with what you are going through now and it helped me a lot. Also "healing the child within" is another good book. You can most likely get these at a reasonable price through the internet.
I hope that this has helped you some, you have come to a good place. There are many wonderful people here who would love to try to help you. But I do strongly suggest continuing your journy with the help of your counselor. In the meantime keep posting.
Post Edited By Moderator (ShynSassy) : 3/10/2008 6:10:32 AM (GMT-6)
I think that it is only natural for you to be slow to warm up to people. I don't think she is frustrated with you, I think she is concerned. I saw a therapist for years and one day she said to me "Why can't you break down and let it all out?" I couldn't in front of her. But I was able to by myself and she helped me through some pretty intense stuff. So I wouldn't worry about that or how long it takes you to get it out, I would just keep going. Because it is obviously helping you. I have the same trust issues with people, I feel if they get to know me, I will be volnerable (sp). I keep to myself a lot. But I am able to communicate on here and it is helping me to open up to people. But I think we always will keep our guard up so to speak.
All of the things that you are wondering will come to you when your mind is ready to accept them. It may take a while, or it may happen on your next visit. Whenever you are ready. So just keep working at it and trust yourself. You will know and you will be able to handle it. We are a lot stronger and smarter than we give ourselves credit for. For years I didn't know how I felt about things. That is all a part of growing. So don't feel like you are wierd or anything because you are not. We go through different stages of getting to know ourselves at different times. It is like our destiny or fate. It is the mystery of life. And we should accept it gracefully and open minded. You are going through this right now. And part of learning your past is a part of that. It will come to you in it's own time and it wont be tragic or dramatic. It will be what you make it. And you will be ready when the time is right, just let your counselor guide you through it.
Please don't feel guilty for pretending that you were asleep when the man came into your room. You were just a little kid and you were protecting yourself. You shouldn't have even had to make that decision because it should never have happened to you or your sibling. So don't punish yourself for something that you had or had not done. It is not your fault. I promise you that.
I went through life for a long time not showing emotions, not opening up to people. That was my choice. And I still have my limits. I trust my psycologist to talk. I have learned to trust my husband, but I share with very few people. I am more open here than with most of my friends. Though I know some of them I could be totally honest with, I would rather not. And I think that is your decision also and I don't blame you. In time you will be more open, but what you have inside of you is yours and nobody has to share that if they don't want to. So you are completely normal in that way. But I do share with my therapist, because it helps me. She is completely honest and objective. I think in time you will open up, when you are ready. And I think that your therapist knows that and is going to be willing to wait until you are ready. There is no need to rush that, if you do, you will find yourself looking for answers that are not there yet. So just work with you therapist as well as you can. I know this will show itself in time. Ptsd is kind of a mystery that way. But it is real and you will find the answers when you are completely ready to accept it.
I hope that this helps you, I am always popping in and out to be here to listen. So post whenever you feel the need. There are also other marvelous people on the forum who can relate to what you are going through.
Luv and hugs, Karen.......
I am new to moderating, I guess I should have edited your ppost myself, I am still learning.
I was in my 30's when I went through ptsd too. I really suggest you continue with the counseling though. Keep trying. She willl help you through this. And remember that you didn't do anything wrong.
I am here if you need to write more. I will listen and give you the best advice that I can.
Do what is comfortable for you at the time. But counseling can't hurt. But if you are uncomfortable with it I guess that you should follow your heart.
Luv and hugs, Karen