Let me help you try to understand a little about me so you can be more comfortable with me....
Whether my incest was an isolated experience or a constant childhood experience, or whether my sexual assault, molestation or rape has made me a victim....the betrayal, the emotional damage, the feelings, the memories, the flashbacks that upset me, and the thoughts that haunt me are similar to all of thos who have been victimized and who are now working hard to be survivors and "victims no more".
Deep inside I have felt different from others....no good...dirty...the lowest of lowest....with guilty feelings that will not quit...afraid to trust....a hole in the gut that is so deep it is bottomless....terrified of going crazy and being locked up or being thrown away...a feeling of total degredation..."another loss, never a winner",...alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, sex temptations to numb the pain...always the pain so close to the surface...what can I find to stop the hurt, to stop thinking and feeling for a little while...the depression....the inability to function, to use my brains and talents...like being under water...drowning...knowing that I should move my arms and feet to reach the surface, to breath again....but still motionless, unable to do what I need to do...I need help....I want help....make things stop spinning.
Wanting love, acceptance, affection, attention, approval, and that was all I wanted back then...feeling abandoned...no one to run to...no place is safe...no place to hide...always that little child inside this adult body...a child crying, terrified, calling for help,...many do not believe me. The waiting in terror in the night....night after night...day after day fearing I will be pursued again...trying to numb myself....trying to forget and pretend it never happened....I can't take anymore...I forget for a while...I push it all down, down, down, BURIED...but I am so small, so defenseless, so trapped. What if someone else puts pressure on me? Will I become little and helpless again and just let it happen like before? I must have been bad for this to happen to me..I promised I would never tell...I'll try harder to be good...why do they say I lie? Why do they lie??
Feeling guilty because I like and crave the attention, the touching,......my body not knowing who it comes from, just feeling. My mind is full of fear and terror. I do not understand...I am confused. I'm in my teens, and it goes on. I tell someone and it gets worse...they treat me funny....why doesn't someone stop it? Why do I have to suffer when he goes on without the chaos he created for me and maybe for others? Why do victims suffer longer and more than the initiators? It isn't fair.....it just isn't fair...now I have no home...no family...no one to take care of me and love me as I grow up...now I am totally alone...the law doesn't even care enough to help me....I can not go on alone...I am still the helpless little girl that got used...yes I am older now, but I have not grown up....that was taken from me along with my innocence...people just don't know what innocence is and how important it is to little kids and how screwed up little kids can be for life when this innocence and trust is taken and they are used by minds that entrap them with cunning and affection and pretend so they can be used by these sick, sick, people. Will I ever be grown up and strong and happy and safe and loved without being set up and used again and again by those who prey on my weakness and need?
Does it matter to anyone if I heal? Is it more important that the security of my mother/stepmother/father/stepfather/sisters and brothers is not threatened by my breaking the silence? They do not want to face the truth because it will hurt them...he may go to jail or prison for what he did to me and all they can think about is how it will affect them, what will they lose, what will they do for money and housing while I bleed from emotional wounds of what was done to me...and they do not care that I am wounded...they care only for themselves and they turn their backs on me and try not to feel guilty,,,,then they get angry AT me for what is happening...is that fair? Is anything fair for the victim? Where do I go from here with my life? What lies ahead for me besides the confusion and the pain? Will anyone help me? I NEED HELP!!!!!
My fears, bitterness, terror, rage....it is so deep...the resentments go over years and years....oh, God, I want to be free!! I want to be well! I want a happy life for me! Now I need to find others like me....only they will understand...is there a sisterhood of victims? Where are they? I need them!! Maybe together we can heal. I need to open my inner doors, to let the light back in, to push all of the hysteria and poison out of my body, mind and soul and to let love in so that I can heal and be well.
I need to place all of the responsibility on the initiator and clearly see how I have been victimized even if I participated in the activity...because I was innocent and ignorant about sex and was taken advantage of by someone who knew it was wrong and yet chose to use me with cunning or force.
I want to become a survivor...no longer a victim...to heal the invisible wounds...so that my whole life will not be affected by what has happened in my past. I want to regain faith in the superior force and use the strength of my faith to help me heal.
I want your love and encouragement to go through this very difficult period of my life. Help me believe in myself and that it will get better for me, and that I can do this....that I can survive! Just be with me with caring and love and warmth....I must do the rest myself.
I hope that this may help you understand me, and where I am right now. Thanks for listening.
Author Unknown (A survivor)
Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 3/21/2008 5:42:40 AM (GMT-6)
"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing. "Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are""Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve""Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."
Post Edited (ShynSassy) : 3/26/2008 7:01:12 PM (GMT-6)