Dont know what to do anymore..(Sorry so long)

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xxfallingxx
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/27/2008 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm not really sure where to start here..I am new to the idea of posting my personal problems on a forum for people to read (Though not very uncomfortable about it)..

I guess the depression part would be the most obvious deal, seeing as how this is a depression forum. I will start by saying that I have a severe history of depression, that each time came in one form or another. It is hard for me to explain without going into the past..but thats something that is very hard to put into words...so i guess..here goes.


Here is the history I talk about, sparing you all the horrible details.

There is a history of bad things happening in my family. When My sister left, she went to the police, both my parents were put into jail (My dad for the crime, my mom for not protecting her children) and my 3 brothers & I were yanked from home and placed at my aunt & uncles house. After about 4 months, my mom was freed, and after 8 months my dad was freed. The court case dragged over the next 2 or 3 years and finally my dad got his sentence years later...1 1/2 years in jail. At this point nobody knew about my grandpa. He would always say that if I told anyone he would hurt my younger brother josh, who i was very protective of. Well one night, my grandpa made me go to walmart with him. He bought my 3 brothers some cookies, but also made me purchase some thongs and then we went home. Well he made the mistake of leaving the receipt in the bag. My mom saw the receipt and askede me and i denied everything because i was so scared. but a little later that night i told her i needed to talk to her and told her a LITTLE about what had been happening to me for years. She was very hurt (It was her dad) and called her brother. In the end she reported it to the police and my 3 brothers and I were called in for questioning. My three brothers knew nothing of it so they didnt help the investigation much. When I was questioned of what happened all ic ould say was that my grandpa talked about bad things with me. I was so scared and upset and hurt that i couldnt find the power within myself to tell these strangers what he had done to me over the years. I suffered from depression for years now because of this, analyzing everything, thinking about it everyday, asking my self what if what if what if.

Now...my current bout of depression..

3 years back my mom divorced my dad because of everything that had gone on mentioned above. Before she divorced him she had acquired a boyfriend & had been dating him for about 1 year before the divorce. I knew the whole time, just never said anything. Now, currently she lives with him, and up until about three months ago, so did I,along with my younger brother josh (The other two brothers are moved out at this point)
Now, first things first, I am going to say, that I want my mom to be happy, and I am very glad she has found someone that can make her happy. Anyways..her boyfriend, overall, not a bad guy, and I would never judge their relationship because it is not my right. Mike (The boyfriend) is known for his temper tantrums (Throwing dangerous objects when he gets mad), telling my brother and I to shutup even if we walk into the room and are just engaged in casual conversation and all he is doing is watching cartoons or movie (and generally our voices are low), arguing with my mom (Giving my brother and i stress of whether they will break up and us have find a place to live), making horrible comments to guests we invite over, lecturing us on how we live our life (Ex. he doesn't like how some of my friends smoke, (I do too) and he thinks my smoking makes me a horrible person and i dont deserve the life i live basically) etc. My list could go on for decaddddeeess. Anyways, all this hurt and depression started again when my mom and i got into a fight about her boyfriend telling me to shut up when i walked in the front door and said hello. i told my mom i didnt like it and asked if she could talk to him, because everytime i did it went one ear and out the other. Basically my mom blew up (Even though i made sure i was very respectful). The next day she asked me to write out a letter, explaining my feelings. I wrote the letter and took two days to write it, taking my time making things as respectful and unhurtful as i could, and gave it to her. I was watching tv in my room with my bro when im guessing she read it because she came storming in and started screaming at the top of her lungs saying i had no right to feel the way i did, and then told me to get the hell out. I ended up throwing things in my bag and walking about 6 miles to my boyfriends house at night. I left at about 6 pm, and ended up at his house at about 1 or 2 in the morning or something like that. I haven't talked to my mom since, but not for the lack of trying. I have sent her a few messages, and she has wrote nasty letters back, saying how she wish she never had kids, and how i ruin her life, and she wished she could go back in time and live her life for herself and not for her kids. I just feel so fíng lost and confused and hurt. I live with my bf now, in case i wasnt clear, and we have been dating for 3 1/2 years so i am comfortable, but this is not home...i feel like everything was just yanked out from under me. I miss my animals the most (Yes, I am a major animal person) and even the thought of them brings me so down and makes me so homesick. I am "Never allowed to go back" and I dont know what to do with my life. I spend my days reading, on the computer, or spending money I dont have. I want to do things and I have plans, but I cant even begin to get motivated in any way..so many things way me down, and i feel like no one can understand me or ever will. I feel like i dont want to exist..i just cant understand how life can be like this...and i know i dont have it that bad compared to some people..but it feels like i do..I have few real friends: My brother, My boyfriend, and Frankie (50 yrs old). Every friendship I have has failed..Im not the type of girl who hang with other girls (They just create sooo much drama..and i cant stand it, which is the only reason frankie and i get on, is because she is older and mature). and i usually have guy friends, but the relationship always dies because they fall in love with me Sad i want their friendship very much but i always get the ultimadum..i just dont know what to do anymore...
sorry this is so long, if anyone reads this.
 
Reason for edit:
 
I have had to take some sections of your post out as we cannot allow discussion of illegal activities. Also, I have taken a couple of swear words out. Please see http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997 for a full list of forum rules Darren

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 3/28/2008 5:20:25 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/28/2008 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Falling

First of all welcome to the forum,we are so glad that you found us.

WOW,you have been through so much in your life.
I think that you need to take care of yourself for now. If your mom is choosing her b/f over you,then you really don't need to be around that.
Are you safe at your b/f's house? That is the first thing..

It does sound like history has proved that your mom loves you and will try to protect you. She is just not thinking very clearly right now.

Is there anyway that you can go to a doctor and let them know what you are going through? I am very concerned with your well being both emotionally and physically... make sure that you are safe where you are living and then to get help with the depression....
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 3/28/2008 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell,

Like Shy, my main concern is that you are safe where you are. You have obvously been through a lot and it takes a lot of courage to speak out, even if you only say a little bit so please dont put yourself down for not doing enough. Do you see a therapist who you could talk to? I think you would really benifit from talking to someone who is completely impartial and unbiased. Please keep talking to us. We are always here.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/28/2008 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry you are going through so much.
As the others had mentioned, if there is any possibility to you talking to a counselor or doctor, I really think you should. Most communities offer free counseling if money would be an issue. If you are still in school, it would be a good idea to talk to the school guidance counselor.

I had been abused growing up too. I know how hard it is to have you mom turn on you, especially after all you have been through. They are the ones we want to trust most to be there for us and when they can't its devistating.
I just started seeing a counselor for the first time in my life about my childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you its not easy at all to get it out. I often journal it and read it to my counselor, just to get the words out, that helps a whole lot. You really need to talk to someone about these feelings or lack of feelings at times.

Know we are here to listen
Pressing
Depression, PTSD
 
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 3/28/2008 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Falling,

These guys have pretty much covered everything, and they have given you some excellant advice. Just don't let your mom make you feel less of a person. You are a wonderful, caring person. I am sad for what you have been through. It is a rough road. But you have come so far. And oh yes, I am an animal lover too. That is a good part of you, they give such unconditional love.

Keep posting, we are here for you. I do agree you should seek counseling by somebody objective who can help you through this.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


xxfallingxx
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/28/2008 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I have tried counseling several times. I really have not had much trouble talking, i have just had bad experiences. when i was 11-13 i went for counseling for the sexual abuse and the lady i went to tended to turn my words around. I would say something like..for example Ï feel hurt & angry"or something like that and she would turn around and say that i did not, when she didnt know my feelings. Then about two years ago i went to counseling and everything went well for about six months, the counselor seemed like a generally good guy, but one day he made advances on me..out of nowhere!! That counseling had helped me so much and when that happened it just made it worse. i have also tried online counseling, but it feels like there is a lack of...something. Talking to someone through an im window about my feelings didnt feel right. i have been checking into help though around here.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 3/28/2008 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Falling,

I can understand about the bad counselors.  I have had my share too, but I finally found some good counselors.  I would suggest you keep looking, there are some very good ones.

In the meantime we are all here for you.  So continue posting and we will help you in any way that we can. 

I am sorry about the counselor making advances towards you.  Did you report him?  I had something similar happen to me and i talked to my doctor about it.  Come to find out this counselor had been repremanded for doing that before.  He didn't actually do anything to me but it was some things that he said.  It was hard for me because here I had been trusting him and then to find out that I wasn't able to anymore.  It really made me angry, and of course it put stress on me and it made my depression worse like you said.

I hope that you can find this site comfortable and stick around.  There are many wonderful people here that are more than happy to listen and hoperully help you.

Have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/28/2008 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Falling
I am so sorry that you have had such a bad experience with counseling.. I am just so mad about that!!

Please do not give up...you are so strong,think about it,you have been through that much so why can't you get thru this?

We are here for you
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.

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