I'm exhausted with life

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Crutches
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/29/2008 11:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm a college student living with cerebral palsy and depression. I lost my mom when I was eleven years old and my dad remarried within two years to a woman that I initlially didn't get along with. Ever since then I've been in and out of couselling in various forms, tried several different medications and felt myself slide in and out of depression and suicidal thoughts several times. For reasons which remain somewhat mysterious to me, I have almost no real friends to speak of. I know dozens of people by acquaintance, but I can't seem to connect with anyone and build a friendship. Consequently I am forced to hold some things inside until they sicken me further.
 
I'm utterly exhausted with this and sometimes I just want to run away from my life and build a new one somehwere else...and sometimes I just feel like I'd be better off dead. I really want to live a happier life and have friends and lovers and children someday, but I don't know how to get myself on the right track. Can anyone relate to this, or does anyone have any advice on what I should do?
 
Thanks, I apologize if I have upset anyone further or violated any posting rules. This is my first post about my depression.  

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/30/2008 4:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Crutches

First of all welcome to the forum,we are very glad that you are here.

I am so sorry for you loss,it sounds like you have been through so much.

Sometimes the ones that have depression seem to close ourselves off from a real friendship. Most of it I think is that we start to feel that we don't deserve it,which of course is not true.

One thing to remember is that you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you..so you will be able to get through this.

When was the last time you were at the doctor? Have you been on your current meds for a long time?
It might be that you need a med change,and I really think you need to continue with the counseling..in order to heal from depression,we have to deal with what caused it.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 3/30/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Crutches,

I am so happy that you posted here.

I want to welcome you to the HW depression forum.  You are among friends here, and it is an easy place to talk or vent if you need to. 

Like Shy says, don't give up.  Especially on the counseling.  I hope that you have medications to help you.  It is a hard road, but you can get through this.

Keep posting, we will help you the best we can.  It is easy to open up on here because nobody really knows you and we can try to give you objective advice.  Many of us have been through the same as you so we understand.

I hope that you have a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 3/30/2008 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   

HI Crutches and Welcome to HealingWell!

Have you considered looking for a support group for cerebral palsy as a source of friendship? As has been previously mentioned, depression can close you off to friendships but they are possible so please dont give up. You can always talk to us although we are limited as to what we can discuss here on the public forums. I really hope that you will carry on talking with us.

Darren

 


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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Crutches
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/30/2008 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi all, thanks for the responses...it's really nice to know that there are people who care.

At the present time I am not on any medication. I have been on Zoloft for extended periods, and also been forced to try several other brands of meds because of the physical side effects I experienced with Zoloft (these too produced similar side effects). In addition, I find that the meds I have taken produce the effect of numbing me emotionally, so that I become lackadaisical and apathetic in general, not depressed, but also unable to feel anything else (like happiness). I have begun to see a counsellor through my university, but this is only short-term and if need be I will have to find counselling elsewhere (but switching between counsellors has never bothered me, for some reason).

As to my cerebral palsy, I must say with shame that I feel awkward around those who are severely disabled. I grew up an only child and through legal ramifications about accessibility in public schools, ended up attending very small private schools where I was the sole disabled student. It is only here, at university, that there are other students with physical disabilities. My CP is somewhat mild. I can walk short distances with crutches and have no cognitive malfunction, so I tend not to think of myself as disabled (although I do feel strongly that it affects the way other people see me).

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40580
   Posted 3/30/2008 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Crutches,

I wouldn't want an antidepressant that had that numbing effect.  I think that we want to feel happy as well as we don't want to feel sad.  So I can understand you there.  But there are many different antidepressants and I, like you, went through a lot of them.  But I finally found something that worked for me.  It took quite a few years of trying this and that along the way, but I finally got there.  For now anyway.

I had a lot of side physical side effects with zoloft also and it was very discouraging because I could not tolerate it at all.  I started with buspar then zoloft, paxil, prozac, effexor, serzone, wellbutrin and then back to effexor.  The reason that I stopped the effexor the first time was because I was feeling good and didn't think that I needed it anymore.  But the reason that I was feeling good was because of the medication.  I guess that I thought I was cured.  I don't like taking pills and now I take a bunch.  Not all anti depressants though, I have other health issues.

As for your cerebral palsy, you shouldn't feel ashamed when you are around others worse off than you, you have limitations but it sounds like you handle that really well.  There will always be others worse and better than ourselves.  I have fibromyalgia and I know that it along with depression is a disability.  But I too get that feeling when I see other people who are more disabled than myself.  But I think we all try our hardest no matter what.  I think that we should feel fortunate when we are in that situation, not ashamed of what we can do as opposed to what others can't.  I sure hope that I am making sense, I know what I want to say but I don't know if it is coming out right.  So please forgive me if it sounds wierd.  I do think that you know what I mean. 

I hope that you find the right medications for you.  And I hope that things become easier for you too.  Keep posting, we are all in the same boat mentally and emotionally.  This is a good place to vent and nobody judges you.  So keep posting.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/31/2008 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Crutches

It is very normal to have to try different meds until you find the one that works for you.
It took my doctor 4-5 tries before we found the right ones.
Also, they might need to put you on a couple of meds to be able to treat all of your symptons.

Please contact your doctor and let them know what is going on with you.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


Crutches
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/1/2008 11:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for the advice...I have triedd cycles of different meds before, but perhaps I need to simply wait it out untill I find one that works for me.
 
And 'getting by', I do understand what you mean...glad to know I'm not alone in that. 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/2/2008 4:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Crutches

Meds can be very frustrating at first because we want the "magic pill".

Please go back into the doctor,and remember it does take 4-6 weeks for some to take full effect.

We will be here for you whenever you need us.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.

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