New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
41 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/21/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I'm an 18-year-old, and I am depressed. I have been sad for a long time, but the last few months the sadness got worse, and I realised I fitted the description of depression. I wrote my thoughts down a few days ago:

-------------------------------------
Am I depressed? The symptoms suggest so, I'm not sure. I do feel sad, more
than sad, hopeless. The absence of purpose combined with an abyss of
insecurity drowns me with it. I want to be on my own, to take away the
responsibility, to take away the eyes that are always gazing, to take away the
insecurity.
Due to the overflow of failure I collapsed, and every sign of hope is
immediately changed to despair, pain, hatred, sadness, hopelessness. Due to
the overflow of failure I can not succeed anymore. I know this, I know the
cure, I can't....

What goes up has got to fall....

The higher I climb, the deeper the fall. I know this, I am scared of this. I know
that hope will stack up, will break, will fall. Falling hurts, deep inside I am
falling all the time. Little steps I take, only to fall back. Hope will make me
climb higher, try to escape this pit. Hope will give me the strength to do so.
Hope will make my fall worse, worse, worse. I know this. My body, my mind,
my spirit know this. The adapt, to absorb the blow. Failed yet again. The only
cure is not to climb anymore, but to stay at the bottom of the pit. My body,
my mind, my spirit now warns me when hope approaches, makes me feel
sick. Sick of hope, sick of failure, sick of the endless torture. No more hope
means no more falling, no more pain. No more people means no more staring
down the pit, no more eyes, no more responsibility, no more failure.

Is this the cure?

It might be, it might not. Time will tell. Time thought me to think. To think of
the life I have, all the good things that I have, and the few things that I lack. I
believe I have enough good things to live a happy and unconcerned life, yet
the lack of the few things I miss is what keeps me down, drowns me. All I
want is to have a purpose. I haven't. The lack of motivation caused by my
insecurity is my weakness. I don't want to decide what my purpose will be, yet
I want to be able to choose my own destiny. I don't want to love nor to hate,
yet I do both. I want people to look up to me while staying in the shade of
others. I don't want to be around others that judge me, yet I feel lonely when
I aren't.

How can you cure someone who already knows the cure, yet is unable to
heal?
-------------------------------------

I felt pretty depressed when I wrote that, but yesterday was even worse. I couldn't stand the doubt any more, so I told this girl I loved her. Yet again the same answer. Somehow I can get along with everyone, I have some really nice friends, but I never had a girl who loved me. I'm only 18, so it isn't a disaster or anything, but it does make me feel sad. This combined with the lack of purpose in my life makes me really insecure and hopeless. I can't figure out what I do wrong, maybe that I want to share my love too much. I never talked about my feeling with anyone, and in return nobody ever shared his or her 'deeper' feelings with me. It makes me feel alone. And the doubt created by this takes away my mental energy. The things I used to enjoy, stuff like parties and meetings, now makes me feel sad. I have to really motivate myself to go to a meeting, and once I'm there it only get worse. In fact, everyone makes me feel insecure(except my brother).

The most depressing part of this is, I have no reason for being depressed. I have the best parents I can imagine, I am really good at sports, I getting through school with A's (I'm Dutch, so I might be wrong with the A's), etc. Realising this only makes stuff worse.

In the end I feel like there are two things I really want, yet I can't seem to achieve those goals. As said before, I want someone who I can share my love (not sex, as you might expect from an 18-year-old, just talk) and emotions with, and I want to write a song I am proud of (I compose film music). My insecurity causes me to achieve neither.

As said before, last night was the worst night I had so far, with reasons. But the most frightening part was I deliberately hurt myself. First, I hit the wall with all the force I had. I didn't hurt enough. After that, I bit in my wrist. Not a normal bite, but I was really trying to bite something of. It felt weird, but satisfying. After that I got calmer than I have ever been in the last year.

This morning I realised that I can't do this on my own anymore. I don't want to physically injure myself again. I discovered that writing down and sharing my thoughts did help, no matter how uncomfortable I feel telling. This morning I told my parents that I think I am depressed, yet I won't tell my friends soon. I am thinking of getting (professional) help, but I'm not sure if it will help me. What are youre thoughts on this?

I could type for hours, but I guess it is long enough for now. A few last things. After a search on google I found that the best fitting description of my depression is existential depression. Does anyone has experience and tips for this kind of depression? Also, I don't feel depressed all the time. Not when I exercise, not when I don't have to see people. Today I feel ok, because I skipped school (for the first time). Vacation is coming up, and I hope that will help.

Thanks for letting me share my story!

Ith
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/21/2008 11:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there.
 
I'm new here as well, but for the moment I find it more comfortable to hear about other people's problems than share my own. I'm far from a professional, I've just got my own thoughts from experiences with friends and family.
 
(I was busy writing away thoughts and suggestions, but it was turning into a novel and seemed to rotate around my own problems more than yours :)
 
It's good that you have taken some initiative on your own, accepting that you may have depression and talking to your family about it. Those are positive steps.
 
It's the beginning steps that are the hardest to take, and from the sounds of it you know it yourself, so your open-ness is a good sign.
 
Like I said, I'm new and I'm not sure how I can help really, but I'm an eager to hear and help if you'd like to share.

starbrite
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 154
   Posted 4/21/2008 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi glad you found this web site it is a great place,
You are depressed and it sounds to me that you need help, and need it right away professional help.  Does your school have anyone you can talk too?  Therapy helps a lot and keep on writing because it's the best way to understand yourself.  Plese get profesional help now.   I have felt the way you feel many times so I do know that therapy helps.  I am here for you if you need to talk.
 
Starbrite

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/21/2008 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your kind reactions!

Today I felt really good, but that mood is somewhat ruined now. I just got the worst mail I could imagine from the girl I love. She told me that she did think about us being together, yet decided no. Girls always seem to do that. And it is always no. I know that they all mean it well, but they can better say no, than I thought about it. That makes me feel like I screwed up somewere.

darn, people around here have the worst problems, and I am worrying about something simple as being rejected. I hope some sleep will make me feel better, sleep does seem to do that.

Thanks again

Ith
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/21/2008 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't stress about measuring your problems to other people's, we each have our burdens and we can each help share them great or small.
 
Rejection is tough, first or fiftieth time, but there's always a yes out there waiting to be discovered. It's a downer, but try not to let it get you down too far, hope is a ceaseless beast if you hold on to it :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/21/2008 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wayen and Ith,

I am so glad that you found eachother. I would like to welcome both of you to Healing Well. As you can see, there are a lot of wonderful people here on the forum and I am glad that you both have joined us.

Feel free to post or vent or whatever at any time. We are here to help you the best way that we can.

Wayen,

I think that you would benefit from counseling. You sound like you are very bright and you have a grip on your issues. Just don't give up and keep posting.

Ith,

When you are ready to share with us, we will be here, in the meantime, your advice is appreciated. Keep posting, as you will find this is a wonderful place to come when you need. We like positive input too. So share with us anything.

Hi Starbrite,

You are right, journaling really helps. I find that even just posting here helps me a lot. Thanks for your input.

Have a wonderful day all of you!!!

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/21/2008 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I know, I remember loads of happy times. But the thing I fear is that love hurts, because of the downfall afterwards. I fear that eventually I can not love anymore, because when I start feeling that way, I immidiately think of the pain that will follow, and this will throw me into a vicious circle. It already has.

I think I need something that will make me proud of myself. I believe that achieving your goals will make you feel in peace with yourself. The problem is, I don't have that many goals, and the ones I do have are unachievable due to my lack of self-esteem. I will quit before I reach it.

However, one positive thing did happen. I managed to finish my 20:00 minutes of rowing. It was the first time I rowed in a long while, and I was broken afterwards, but I made it. I think things like this can help me finish things better, but does any one of you has an alternative to rowing? I mean, rowing (ergometer) has to be the most boring sport ever.

It does feel good to talk about me, and no-one else. I always try to be the guy people go to when they have problems, so it's a weird thing to talk about me only.

Edit: Thanks Karen (and Ith!). I will try to get some professional help, I do, and I promise I'll keep up the posting. It does help a lot.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/21/2008 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wayen,

You already have set two goals for yourself. First off, the rowing, you say it is boring, well, make that your challenge or goal. Do it even though it is boring to you. That will be a small acheivement.

Secondly, working on your self esteem. That is a bigger goal, but can be another challenge to work on. By seeing a therapist you can work together. It looks like all you need is a little structure. And like you say, the rest (the love part) will fall into place when the time is right. I believe that once you get yourself into counseling that you will realize that you have a lot going right now. You just have to set priorities and find a little structure in what your other goals will be. Don't be negative about love. We all go through breakups and rejection and being hurt. It is a part of growing. There is a verse called Desiderata. In this verse it says "be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass." What is being said is that it will always come back to you. It may not be the same person or situation, but it will always come back.

Good luck with therapy, I trust you are serious about going, you sound like you are.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/21/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wayen and Welcome to Healingwell,

Im really glad that you have found us and that you have had the courage to tell us how you are feeling. We are like a family here and we all care for and support each other which gives HW its uniqueness.

It does sound like you have depression from what you have written but that is not something that you should be scared of. You have been givensome excellent advice already and it looks like you have bonded with Ith. I too would suggest that you seek proper medical advice with this so that you can be started on a course of medication and therapy to help you get to grips with this. The sooner you start, the easier it is.

Please keep talking to us

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/22/2008 3:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your support!

I had loads of mailing contact with the girl in question the last 24-hours, and it helped a lot. I realised talking to friends, no matter how hard it is, or how uncomfortable, does help. Although she has been a real support, I still had problems of what to say today when I saw her.

By the way, Ith, in your first post you said that you wrote a novellike reply. I would love to read that, although you'd probably deleted it already.

I hope that this spring will bring some joy back.

Ith
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/22/2008 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, the reply I made is now lost, but I might be able to summarise it.

Of the friends and family I know who have suffered depression, it wasn't until they sought professional help did they learn that depression is an illness. I suppose I consider that an important fact, because as with any illness it can be treated and prevented. Keeping a healthy diet is important, as is solid sleep patterns. Exercise and an active social life are all elements that will keep you on an easier road to recovery, and by the sounds of it you are fit and you haven't shut yourself off to friends and family, even coming here is a positive step.

Of course sometimes it just hits us no matter how healthy or well-off we may be, 'the straw that broke the donkey's back' as the saying would go. Everyone has to deal with small things everyday, and without a release that allows for some sense of accomplishment, these can build up. Reading what you have written, I guess there's confusion as well, and if anyone's confused it's someone who is close to leaving school. Even with a plan no one at that stage knows the future. I'm there now and I sure don't, I apply to a university, but in the end the decision that decides my life isn't up to me, it's someone else.

What I'm getting to is your mention of the existential depression, questioning your place in life and life's place in you.

Heh, just trying to say you're not alone :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/22/2008 4:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that we all question our place in life at one time or another. But as long as we take it one day at a time, it falls into place. I spent many years just wondering why I am even here. It took years to figure out, it is just because I am. So try not to dwell on things like that. Set small goals until you find what the bigger ones are. Just keep living and make the best out of each day. And in time, you will know where everything is headed.

I hope that this helps.

Here is a part of a verse of a lovely writing called Desiderata..."Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real posession in the changing fortunes of time." So no matter what you are doing at the time, make the most out of it. There will always be challanges in the future. But go into it one day at a time, the rest will fall into place for you.

Hugs to all, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/22/2008 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks yet again.

It is true what you say Ith, for a long time I felt anger, rage and despair build up, but I never really thought of how to let it go.
I'm almost leaving my folks to go to university, but that doesn't confuse me at all. In fact, it is one of the few things I am actually looking forward to (although in the state I am now, it is better to stay to at home).

Karen, you talk about setting small goals and complete them. I think that will work. The only problem is what are the goals? I have stuff to do, but most of it feels useless, and thus it is almost impossible to motivate myself, or feel good afterwards. Do you know some simple to achieve goals that might help? I know this is a difficult question to answer, since you know so little about me.

Today I did go to school, but it is even harder now to start a conversation. I just couldn't find any words. The weird thing is, sometimes I can talk for hours, but most of the time I just don't know what to say. I feel bad about this.

Thanks again for all your wonderful support!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/22/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Wayen,

How about picking one person a day and have a conversation, Just even to say hello how are you today.  I do the same thing you do.  In fact I can write on here much better than I can talk to people in person or over the phone.  I can talk to people that I don't know better than the ones that I do.  I try, but like you, I just don't know what the heck to say.  So maybe I am not such a good adviser on that.  But I think that it might work for your communication skills. 

Even just the everything stuff that you do everyday.  Your studies, things that interest you.  Just do a little, set small goals.  Like I said in an earlier post, your rowing, you say it is boring, I know I use to have a ski machine, if I was moving it would be more interesting.  But set an amount of time, not a lot and make yourself do it for that long.  You will feel so much better afterwards.  And you said you have problems with self esteem.  Like I say, pick one person that you don't know and say for instance "hello, nice weather we are having isn't it?".  Or something to that effect.  If you end with a question generally people will reply back.  If they don't, please don't let it get you down, chances are they are having a rotten day or something.  But try smiling, people are attracted to that.  They like to talk to people that look happy.  Just the little things make a big difference.  I do that, and it helps me.  But like I said, I talk easier to strangers that to the people that I know.  I guess because it is quick and you most likely wont even see them again.  Just saying hello makes people happy.  Maybe try starting with one person a day, then two, then three, and so on.  It sounds dumb I know, but it does work. 

Are you going to see a counselor?  They would probably have more advice than I can give.  Better anyway, there are probably exercises that you can do that will help you.  Do you like to walk?  I find that walking everyday helps me to feel better, it is good cardio and gives you time to reflect on things.  Positive thinking is another one, practice that.  Find five things that are positive about yourself, repeat them often or write them down and put them where you will see them everyday.  People can become depressed with negative thinking, well positive thinking can become that way too.  Only you don't get depressed, you become happy.  But if you say it or read it enough, it becomes a part of you.

I really hope that this helps.  Another goal you should set is to see a counselor.  I think that it would help you to talk to somebody professional.  It does wonders.  I see a psycologist and a psychiatrist and they have both really helped me.  Maybe that should be your first goal.  And from there, they will help you by talking to you and help you set other goals.

In the meantime keep posting. 

Hugs Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/22/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I'll stick to your last advice :).

I do want to see a counselor. Next week I go on vacation with family, and I think it is better to wait after that. Maybe everything will go better by then. I do believe that I could feel better in two weeks, since I threw everything out just a few days ago. If I still feel bad, I will make sure I start seeing someone.

What you say about talking to others is exactly how I experience it. I will try to speak to an unknown person every day, although I know most of the people here. I think there are enough possible times every day to do so, because I don't feel bad all day. I just got these gigantic mood-swings.

I do like to walk, but only in mountains, due to the wideness. In Holland walking is boring. However, I am exercising a lot. I will make use of this situation to tell you one of the things I am slightly proud of, being a Dutch athletic champion twice (400m, youth). But I have to admit I never really trained for it, it just happened. I do train 4-5 times a week, but it is more to stay in shape than to achieve something, since I don't like competitions.

I will try to think positive. I can do that, and maybe I can 'train' to extend the length of it, so that in the end I will think positive for most of the time. It's going to be hard, but at least it is a goal.

One final question. Thinking about specific subject makes me feel sad. Should I try to ban those thoughts, or should I try to turn them into something more positive, so I can accept them when the time is there?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/22/2008 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   

I am not sure what you mean about a specific subject, but for example.  Say somebody tells you " I am a failure at everything".  Well that is impossible.  That person got up successfully in the morning, they got dressed and didn't fail.  So you can turn a negative into a positive.  There are different situations, some of the negative thoughts you might want to put out of your head and some of them you might want to turn around. 

I have times where everything is going just fine and the worse thought will come into my head.  I don't know where it comes from but I think it is an underlying thing of not letting my self completely let go for fear that something bad will happen.  As it did in my childhood.  If the phone rings I would use to imagine it was bad news for me and be afraid to answer it.  So these were things that I had to over come.  I learned to put the bad things out of my head.  And with the phone, I tell myself that answer it, it could be a good call.  And if it is bad, just deal with it.  So there are little tricks that we can learn in how to cope with negative thoughts.  I would say either way would be good depending on the situation.

I hope that this helps.

hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/22/2008 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I have something similair with phones. I am not afraid of possible bad news, but I always hope for really good news. I'm a bit a of a dreamer, and I always got loads of possible scenario's in my head. I always hope for the best, but it never is. I can't be, since most of my 'best' scenario's are virtually impossible. I know this, and I know it will never be the phone call I hope it is, yet I do feel disappointed when it isn't.

I have this same problem with lots of things. For instance, I know that composing music is difficult to learn and even more difficult to master. Enough devotion and practise will eventually make you better. I just have to compare pieces I made recently with those I composed earlier to hear this is true. Yet I feel miserable when I fail to create a masterpiece.

If someone can do it, I can do it. At least, if I can't find a valid reason why I shouldn't be able to do it. In one way, this way of thinking does help me. I have done things others found impossible, just because I couldn't find a valid reason why I shouldn't be able to do so. On the other hand I feel miserable when I fail to do something almost impossible. My perception of possibility's isn't always realistic, and thus I try stuff that can't be done by someone with my experiences and skills. Yet I feel I could do it. This works depressing.

I need reason in my life. Everything I say has to be for a reason. Everything I do has to be for a reason. The best movies I have seen are those with an apparent lack of reason, or hidden reason, so that I could make up my own and makes me think. Sometimes I do find a valid reason, but it could be a depressing one. Because at the moment I realise something can't be done, I feel bad not being able to do so. Appreciating my goods and accepting my bads is what I need to do. I do appreciate the good things that I have, but I just can't accept my lacks. At least, not all of them.

Talking online is so much easier than actually speaking to a person.

yana
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 220
   Posted 4/22/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I love this thread!enwayen where are you from ,walking is good and you are a good writer .You have a fan from today,autograph pls...lol

Hugs
yana
Never work just for money or for power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night.
~Marian Wright Edelman~


I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.
~Blaise Pascal~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/22/2008 12:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Wayen,

It sounds as though your expectations of yourself are too high.  And you are disregarding logic.  But you are an artist, and we tend to think in that manner.  I paint.  And I do things that are actually not possible.  Like mixing warm and cold colors and not getting mud.  My art teacher said I was the exception to the rules.  You are working with music.  I am sure that you are remarkably talented.  But I really do think you are setting those expectations way too high.  In your eyes by doing that you will never succeed.  Though what others think isn't always necessarily the same.  They probably love what you do.  You are your own worst critic and so am I.  So give yourself a break and go easier on yourself. 

You are you.  You are an individual.  that is who you are.  And what you do with your life is of your choosing.  Life is full of changes and challenges.  We do the best that we can and that has to be enough for ourselves, or else we will never be happy.

Youv'e got it, you just don't know it yet.  It takes time, and we all have that, so go with the flow and you will be happy.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/22/2008 11:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Heej Yana, thanks for your support! I'm from the Netherlands, and I have tot tell you that comments like yours really help me. I would love to give you my autograph, but I can't see how :).

Karen, I know my expectations are way too high. I should go easier on myself, but I am afraid this different way of thinking will decrease my ability's. I tryed before to go with the flow of life, but I am not that kind of person. I'd like to wander of and explore, instead of letting the stream take me. Wandering of made me who I am, and I am happy with who I am, at the moment I am just lost. Too far away from the stream. I need to find it back and maybe go with it for a while, before I start exploring again.

At least, I think. I might be wrong.

Last night I wondered. When I talk to people, I don't know what to say. Does my insecurity take the words out of my mouth, or am I insecure because I don't know what to say? I have loads of these, what was first things, and I feel like finding out what the problem is, is the key to become in peace with myself again.

Karen, thank you so much for all your time and effort, I wish I could do something in return....

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/23/2008 2:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Wayen,

I agree with Karen about you having too higher expectations. Is probably something I recognise in other people because I am the same myself. Being a constant perfectionist, nothing ever being good enough etc... What you need to learn is that being reasonable doesnt decrease any abiltiy you have. Its something I learned to do but I need to do it more often! Please dont be so hard on yourself... you only drive yourself further down.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/23/2008 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Wayen,

Just seeing the improvements in the way you are thinking is enough for me.  I know you probably don't see it but I do.  You are doing far better than you were when you first posted.  You seem much happier, even if you don't see it yet.  That makes my day.

I think in time that you will find what pace is right for you, you sound like a go getter and that is okay.  You do have high expectations of yourself, but if that is the way that you are, then so be it.  You will learn to accept things for what they are and I think your high expectations may keep you at your best.  But you have to learn not to beat yourself up when you don't achieve the impossible.  And you will.

Keep on keeping on.  You sound like you are doing good.

Keep posting, you write interesting posts as yana said.

Have a wonderful day

hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 4/23/2008 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I have only one thought at the moment...

----------!

Today I talked to the girl in question for nearly 3 hours. It became clear that she was in love with me, but not any more. Although she says it's her fault, it isn't. I screwed up. Three times in my life I have been in love. Truly in love. Desperate love. Three ---------- times the girl liked me. Three ---------- I screwed up. This is so darn hard. Why do I shut down when I start getting somewhere. The girl said she thought I found her stupid and irritating. If I only knew. darn, I start crying...

I know there are way more important things than a girlfriend. But my mind doesn't agree. My mind thinks that a girlfriend will solve all, because that is the ultimate proof that someout in the whole wide world care's about you, want to look after you in a way no other can. Acceptance...

I am sick of screwing up all the time. I am sick of my insecurity's. I am ---------- sick of everything at the moment. The only cure I can imagine is to keep on writing, writing before I hurt myself. I tried to let go of the frustration. I trained. I jumped. After that, I rowed. I rowed until I fell down. I got back up and did it again. My body is empty, my mind is empty, only frustration remains.

I am feeling like I am in a deeper hole than I have ever been before. I can alter my expectations on anything but this. Why do I screw up? Always. Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why......

Goddarn it. How to let go of this frustration?

Yesterday the sun shined bright. Today, it did. Now the rain has started, the thunder, like nature is copying my emotions.

----------
 
Reason for edit:
 
I know that it is easy to get frustrated sometimes but we cannot allow posts that are full of expletives. We have minors who use the site so we have to be careful. Many thanks Darren

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 4/23/2008 12:43:52 PM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/23/2008 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wayen,
 
I hope the sun comes out for you tomorrow. It sounds like you are really wound up over this and for that reason I would try and put it to the back of your mind and do something else rather than trying to solve this today. Things always look different in the morning. Have you spoken to this girl about how you really feel? It might be that although you feel you are making mistakes, she doesnt feel the same way. I can tell you now that having a girlfriend will not solve your insecurities though. Even when you have one, the insecurity moves from "Nobody loves me" to "Does she REALLY love me? / Why is she staying with me?" Personal insecurities can only be solved by the person who has them im afraid.

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 4/23/2008 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Why do you think that it was you who screwed up?  One thing that I have learned is that you can't control what others think and feel.  She sounds like she might be a little insecure with herself.  You can't help that.  You can say that you are sorry for the way that she felt.  And if you really think that you made her feel stupid, see if there were any of your actions that you can change.  If you talked for three hours, there still sounds like there is hope.  But please don't take on other peoples emotional problems and blame yourself.  You are not responsible for the other persons moods, or the way that they feel inside, they are.  That is unless you go around trying to hurt people which I don't think that you do.

Like I said before, Love is perennial as the grass.  It keeps coming back to you.  And it will.  Just give it time.

Can you two still be friends?  Love grows you know.  Try to be more sensitive to her feelings.  See where that takes you.  Start asking her to go out to lunch or dinner or something fun.  She had feelings before, they may come back.  Please don't expect the perfection out of her as you do yourself.  No body is perfect.  We are all far from it.  People make mistakes, they mess up sometimes.  That is a part of life.  Don't beat yourself up over this, it isn't as hopeless as you think it is.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
41 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 10:30 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,392 posts in 301,299 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151402 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Len.
336 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
robotguy, Teamchris, Paxton, Faustmann, pmm73, maria2016, exqualls, quincy


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer