Not going so well

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snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/22/2008 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello there .It`s been a while since i visited everyone .I have not been in the talkative mood for a while and infact have lost contact with a lot of people over the past few months .
I know that for a while now things have been going down hill steadily with everything and i can notice that i have withdrawn from a lot of things .My marriage which we just past our 27yr it not how i want to feel at this time in my life there is just so much uncertainty in my life .I do not talk to my hubby i tend to keep things to myself and i know it`s not good but thats how it`s been for a long time now.
I use to talk to my oldest daughter quite a bit but she has her own life problems and doesn`t need mine .
My youngest daughter is stilll causing so many problems and hubby is at me because he wants her to do something but wont ask her expects me to lay the law down and i`m sick of talking the flack for him .The youngest who turns 17 in a few months is pushing me to the limit with his actions .
Hubby is talking about moving which is giving me more stress if i leave i leave behind the only two people i talk to (my psychologists ) and i know i will not have the chance of meeting two lovely people like them .
Today i went to see the new Dr here as i needed more medication iam so run down that it`s only adding to my problem but because she is new she is so busy so i left there in no better state of mind than when i went and infact forgot to get one of my medications .She said because she is new she didn`t have the time to talk anyfurthur and told me to come back in a few weeks .
My stress levels are through the roof i know i`m doing more things than i can handle and i just do not have the willpower to say no if asked to do something .
While all this is going on we are in the middle of repainting and renovating our home getting it ready to sell .
I know i can`t tell hubby i do not want to leave here because he is the one who works so hard to keep a roof over our heads and i know i should be happy because of that but i`m not infact i feel so bad about all of whats going on i do not want to even get up each day .
I can`t remember when i was happy it`s been so long .I know i can not go on feeling the way i do about so many things .
sorry to go on but once i started to type it was hard to stop .
restless.

djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/22/2008 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Restless,

Its nice to see you back with us. We have missed your input. Im sorry that things are not going so well with you at the moment and forgive me if im wrong here, but your husband seems to be at the centre of all the problems you have just mentioned. I know that you said you dont tlk to him very much, but I wondered if now would be a good time to start? Perhaps it would also do you good to try and talk to your eldest. I know you say that she has her own life problems, but perhaps listening to you would be a welcome break from her own stresses? It definately sounds like communication is a problem at the moment and I think this is something to work on in the next couple of weeks.

Again, its nice to see you back

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
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getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/22/2008 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Restless,

I can't help but wonder if maybe when you move you might find another good therapist and doctor.  Also a chance to make good friends.  I know change is hard, but try to be positive about it.

Darren is right about opening up to your husband, if you don't talk, he doesn't know how you feel.  It sounds like you have negative feelings about the move, and you never know, it might be better than where you are now.

It sounds like you need to get your two younger children in check.  I know it sucks to be the bad guy all of the time, so maybe you could tell your husband you need him to do this with you.  It really isn't fair to put it all on you.  You need backing and you aren't getting it from him.  He is making you be the one to lay down the law so to speak.

I understand that this is a very difficult time right now for you.  Is your husband wanting to move due to work?  It is a hard time to sell a house right now.  Does he have a potential buyer?  Be careful in buying a new home, try to get a fixed interest rate on your mortgage.  There is a lot of people losing homes to fluctuating interest rates right now.  The house payments have doubled and people can't afford that.  Though it is a buyers market at this time.  Just be careful.

I hope that you keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 1:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Darren it has been a long time .I try not to go on the computer much these days mainly because i just do not know what to say to anyone anymore .I thought if i spent more time with hubby things might change .So i have been helping with all the painting where i can and by just being there with him but my feelings are much the same .I spoke to the new Dr about how i`m feeling and she said that maybe it`s the depression that is causing me to feel this way .I thought that for a while but not so sure anymore .
My psychologist has told me to write down all the things that i accomplish each day and to reflect on the impact that i make in our home .It`s not making me feel any different as each day that passes i am finding it hard to do anything .I n a couple of days hubby and my daughter are going away for a couple of days .I`m so looking forward to being on my own but the sad thing is that when i`m on my own i feel even worse .
Getting by the move is not basically for work but for hubby to semi retire not sure that what he is planning is going to be anybetter than it is now infsct i think my workload will be so much harder as he will have to get another job to suppliment his income .
I know finding a new Dr up there is going to really hard as my mother inlaw lives in the same place and has voiced her concerns that she has been unable to find a family dr and they have been up there for a few years now.As for finding a new therapist i will see if my current ones can give me the name of a good one up there .Keeping in mind that our finances will be extreemly tight for many years .The ones i have been seeing are government funded .
Last night i had an extreemly unsettled night even with the help of medication so am hoping that tonight will be a bit better .
These past few weeks have been really hard i know i`m having to do a lot and am getting too stressed as to how i will cope with everything and not haing some one to talk to has made it even harder .
Restless.
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/23/2008 3:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Hiya,

Its possible that it is the depression causing you to feel this way but I would question how much of it is a habit of not talking. It might be nice to use the time when you are on your own to seriously look at what is going on and come up with an action plan for when your husband comes back.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Restless

It is so good to hear from you..I wish it would have been with happier times,but it is still good to know that you are ok.

I am so sorry that things have not calmed down yet.
But, what if you are able to "leave your past behind" persay,and think of this move as a starting fresh?

It is hard I know,remember I moved 2 hrs away from my kids about 3 years ago..

They say we have to take what is given to us and make it work for us.. so,maybe this is your chance.
Look at it as a fresh start (scary too,but exciting?) and see where that takes you???
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/23/2008 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Restless,

Hello and so glad to see you but I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It feels to me like you are on a merry-go-round and do not know how to get off.

I think your depression is hitting you hard as you are not expressing your feelings and keeping it all locked up inside. I agree with Darren that not communicating with your husband and giving him all  the credit because he takes care of you and provides the income does not mean you have no say in major decision making.

I also feel like you need to give your older daughter a chance to make her own choice if she can be there for you and talk to her, tell her how your feeling.  We cannot make choices for our adult children, they have the right to the facts and will deal with them in their way.

I think writing down the things you accomplish daily is a great idea, it is like journaling.......include how you feel at the time you are writing and then read what you wrote and decide if it is a good thing or just stinkin thinkin.

Try backing off on how much work you are piling on you.  Remember when talking to your husband to be assertive and not aggressive.  Say what you mean.  Ask for what you need to help you.  He may not be able to delliver but at least he will know how your feel.

Keep on taking steps forwards, don't lose site of your goal............the light at the end of the tunnel.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 

 


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Morning shy and stkitt i miss not talking to everyone here this place seems to help me so much .This morning i woke up feeling so tired it`s probable because of all the meds the dr has me on my youngest is of to stay with some friends for a few days just waiting for them to pick him up it will be a relief not to worry about him for a bit .I went to lunch with my oldest daughter a couple of days ago but i didn`t say much to her i just let her unload her problems .She is a great daughter and i`m so proud of her and her accomplishments ,the only thing i do not like is her relationship with this fellow she is living with i just have a bad feeling about him even thought he has done nothing wrong there is just something about him that gives me the shivers when ever he come up .
This morning i`m taking some time for me going to the hari dressers for a couple of hours and i`m not telling anyone as i want soem time to myself .Only problem is that while im out i know my youngest daughter will be going through my belongings my cupboards and my draws taking things that do not belong to her she does it every time i leave the house .This really gets to me i feel as though i have nothing for myself that i`m being invaded she does this all the time then denies doing it even though at times we catch her doing it .She will leave on saturday with hubby and she will be away for a week i`m suppose to drive up and collect her the following weekend but i`m not going to .I have decided she can spend another week up with her grandmother . she stays with her while she is doing her TAFE course i just feel as though things will be so much better for all of us with her not being here .I know she causes so much tension in the family by the end of each day i just feel so bad within myself as we do not get on infact we have never .she is 20 soon and does nothing around the house to help she will not even go out and find a job .all she does all day is laze around and make more of a mess .I know that while she is with her grandmother there will be lots of arguements between them ( there always is ) Hubby has told her she has to get a job as we are paying for her vet course she is doing as foreverything else she wants .A few months ago i told her that i`m not paying for anything else hopeing she will look for work but still she does nothing .
I know before some people have said to kick her out but as parents we can not do that .One of my psychologists tried to help her but gave up she told me she has to want to be helped before anyone can help her .Maybe one day she will wake up and see that the only way things will change is if she makes a start herself .
( sorry to rave on i just can`t stop when i get going )
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
It is so hard when your children take advantage of your generosity. I am sorry that she takes things from you like she does. I think that would be hard, when you can't leave without having her go through your stuff. Hopefully one day she will see what she is doing to you. You tolerate a lot, I don't know if I could. I commend you for that.

I hope that you have a wonderful day,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi restless, I am glad to see you back posting again.  I am so sorry about how your feeling now.  It does indeed sound as if you have a ton of stressors going on.

The only thing that I feel might be of some use to you may be to give yourself & your husband a bit of time in regards to your relationship and how you have been feeling.  I certainly wasn't in my marriage near as long as you have been however, I was in the total relationship for almost 12 years.  I had been feeling much like you described here for the last 2 yrs of my marriage and granted my depression was pretty bad.  I had been diagnosed with MS and I was working a lot plus trying to keep up at home.  I just ended up quitting...I walked out and left him.  Filed for divorce and refused to speak to him for many months afterward.  It really didn't even dawn on me until I had completely changed medications and my depression got to a manageable level that maybe I had made a mistake.  I don't know...that is something that will not ever be answered I guess. 

Over time people change, feelings change but when you factor in depression it really skews the whole spectrum.  Hang in there restless your a strong woman and will get through this.  Much love


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   
i just feel as though i don`t have any privacy at all much like when i was assulted when i was oung everything has been taken away .When i was in the clinic for my depression late last year my psychraitist suggested that i keep a diary but i have no where that i can put it so she doesn`t find it and my thoughts are not something i would like anyone here to find think it would cause so many problems .I somehow am hoping in the back of my mine that she will leave home one day only problem being is it going to be too late when she does
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
hello els i made a promise to my psycharitist that i would put my marriage thoughts on hold for a while and just see what happens .I know in myself i`m far from being happy and not sure how much more i can take i just feel as though i`m always giving and not recieving if that makes any sense .I know these two kids left at home do not respect me they are do grose when they speak to me and the language is not so good .I think the thing is i miss my other kids especially the middle one who died almost a year ago .i just feel that as a parent and a wife i have failed so badly .My psychologist tells me i have achieved so many great things in my life but all i can see is the things that mean the most to me have gone so badly wrong .Ihave doen everything the dr has asked of me but i still feel as though i`m sinking down furthur and furthur each passing day .I`m to frightened to speak up anymore to frightened to get involved because im so frightened to be put down even furthur .
there isn`t anything that i do that i feel as though i have accomplished with pride every thing is a great chore these days even to the stage of getting out of bed each day .
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Yes restless, I understand completely what your saying.  Reading your words brought back many memories and my own feelings much the same.

I dont recall any one thing that compelled me or inspired me during that time to get better.  I do remember that I was so physically ready to give up but there was a small something in my brain that just wouldnt let me quit.  People who have depression have to be the most toughest out there.

Maybe try just doing something small for yourself.  Dont worry about the guilt or money or stress on anything like that.  Even if it is taking a short walk alone...you do so much for everyone else it sounds like you are most neglected.  Your soul and well being...


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   
els there is just so much going on it `s like it would be so easy just to give in to it all .i`m worried about the cancer but often think if i don`t tell them about it it will just take over and i wont have to worry anymore .sometimes i just feel as though they would not give a darn if i wasn`t even here . i`m tired of fighting .
restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/23/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Restless,

What cancer are you talking about? I don't remember anything said about cancer. You should tell your family if you have it. They really should know. Though it is your choice and what ever you chose, we are all behind you.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/23/2008 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
the cancer is what i have been fighting for for the last twelve months i have had enough radiation and surgery each time i go back they want to cut out more .
restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/23/2008 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Restless,

I am so sorry to hear about this.  I actually don't know what to say. 

I am happy that you have come here, or I should say come back here.  You are among friends.  There is a wonderful bunch of people here and we would love to be here for you. 

All I can say right now is big hugs to you.  You sound like a very strong person and We want to help you though this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/24/2008 6:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Well last night i was so sick some tummy bug amd today i have just come back from our ANZAC day service down the street i feel so tired i could just crawl into bed .But think it`s still the after effects of last nights medications .
Today i have to wash and pack a bag for hubby he is taking the " daughter " up to his mums for a week or so .
I was really looking forward to being on my own but in actual fact i dread being on my own ( not sure if that even makes sense) these days nothing is ..
Getting by this is a safe place and i do appreciate everyones help .Everyone has been through some kind of the same problems .Notone here really understands how i`m feeling even though i have tried to explain it`s no good .Now they walk around not daring to upset me as they do not want me to go away again ( thats something i will never do ).
I wake each day in a sort of confusion not knowing where to start the simpliest things .Days will go by before i realise i have not even showered .I do not want to do many things .
today is my oldest daughters birthday and tomorrow it`s hubbys i just feel i have to cook them cakes it`s not something i even want to do anymore .
Each time i look in my mirror i see what has become of me how old and scarred my face has become because of the cancer surgery and it`s a face i don`t want to see anymore they just do not understand the feelings i have .it`s ok for them that she will have more surgery to cut out some more but i don`t want it anymore .
ok i have to go and try and make some sort of effort .
restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/24/2008 7:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Restless,

You must be such a strong woman.  I don't know how you do it.  I could see where it would get hard to do things, and I would say if you can't, then sometimes take the time and just go with the day.  I am not facing nearly as much as you and there are days that I can't do a thing.  All I want to do is sleep.  Either that or it is pain.  All I can do is sit.  So take those days and relax and try to do something good for yourself.  You deserve that.  You do so much.  I couldn't even imagine making two cakes.  But it is probably something that you once loved to do.  So I could see where you would want to try. 

I can see what you mean about not wanting to be alone, but still wanting to be alone.  It is as if you do want some time to yourself, but maybe not that much time.  That is so understandable and it does make sense.  I like spending time by myself, but I wouldn't want to be alone for that long of time.  Though a couple of days would be a treat.LOL...

I hope that you have a good night Restless.  I hope that it is restful.  Keep us posted on how things are going.  I hope that you feel much better tomorrow.  And me too.  I was tired all day long.

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 4/25/2008 2:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Restless,

I am so glad that you feel safe here and that you have somewhere to escape to when things get tough. You are an incredebly strong person and I admire you for that. Having a stomach bug is enough to knock the wind out of anyone, especially when you are being sick all the time. Is there no way your eldest or your husband can take some of the weight around the house? As for the other things, I think it is a case of making a concious effort to get into a routine and changing one thing at a time. For example, pick a time of day which is best suited for you having a shower (For me its first thing in the morning so I start the day feeling good) and then conciously do it. Apparently it takes ~28 days to form a routine.

Keep your chin up and keep talking to us.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/25/2008 5:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Well my family have all left .Today is just a day of racing thoughts there is just so much to do i have started the washing .One of the large birds i rescued a few days ago has gone back to his owner he lost him over six months ago .It was a good feeling to see them walk out the gate knowing the bird is a very much cared for part of a family .
Hubby didn`t get his birthday cake before he left i just couldn`t do it .Maybe when he gets back in a few days he can have one .I cooked him breakfast and as he drove off i fought the tears .I just wanted my daughter to go not him but hopefully this coming week it will settle down .It`s funny all week i have waited for today to come but as i sit here on my won it`s not what i want at all .
I have planned on doing so much in the next couple of days that i won`t have much time to think but i will drop in here just to download my thoughts and fears .So this morning it`s the animal cages to be cleaned and washing to be done ( there is always plenty of that ) My oldest daughter wants me to cook tea for her to take to work tonight she will pick it up sometime this afternoon .
At night my sleep is so disturbed even taking the medication i am waking up a lot with lots os things racing through my mind ..
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/25/2008 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Restless,

Do you take anything for your obsessive thinking. I started taking abilify and it helps me a lot. Before I was always thinking and couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. I worried all of the time and it made it so hard to cope with the everyday things. Now my mind is relieved from all of that. I would be doing one thing and thinking of something completely different. Now I can focus. Maybe you should ask the doctor about something for that. You have a lot on your mind, and this could help you to not think about it so much.

Hope this helped,
hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/25/2008 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
morning "getting by" i have not even thought of mentioning it to the dr before i have had so many bad drs over the years i really try to get out as soon as i can ,with this new one it may be different i have an appointment to see her in a few weeks so will give it a go .But as you mentioned i`m thinking of so many different things at the same time is is really hard to stay focused on any one task its sort of being in a state of utter confusion all the time .Maybe with everyone away i might be able to pull out my relaxation cds again and give that a go .I have tried to do them but with everyone continually interrupting it was a waste os time even trying.
Well most of the washing is done now only a few more loads to go ,a cake is cooking in the oven and i have prepared tea for my daughter . Think it`s time to run the vacuume over the floors .
this rate the house will be done before lunch time .
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/25/2008 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Restless,

Just curious as to where you are at. Because it is evening here. I am in Michigan, US. Actually it is later than evening, it is 9:30 at night.

I think the relaxing time sounds nice. Maybe kick back with a cup of tea or something. Just let things flow.

Take care, write back.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 4/25/2008 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I live in Australia and it`s only 11:48 am here and it`s Saturday i think i will wait until i have finished cleaning then i will sit and rest a while .LOL i have drunk so much tea this morning it`s almost running out my ears .
Restless
~  we can not judge anyone unless we have walked in their shoes and have live through what they live through ~

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