Ok, I understand completely. To be honest, when I was trying to tell someone, I thought I NEVER would. I didnt like the idea of a letter or anything. I was afraid to just come out and say it myself. I couldnt even say the words. But, then something really bad happened to me, so I wrote down what what I thought. I just went in and gave it to my counselor. It sounds hard, but it wasnt as bad as I made it out to be. And I dont want anything bad to happen to you... I know its hard. It is in the beginning. And relaxing isnt easy, I know. I thought I was so ready to tell her everything and I WANTED to so bad! I didnt though... And I wish I had when I had the chance.
You are NOT stupid. I totally understand what you are going through. Whether you think that honestly or not. I do. I had the very same thoughts and feelings. I had a few times where I would start to talk and then get interrupted. It made me angry... but, I also felt it saved me some too.. even though I really wanted to speak up. I know how frustrating it is. I hated myself also. I hated that I couldnt just say it. I didnt understand why it was so hard.
But, at the time, it is hard. It seems like a simple task, but it really isnt. Its a huge thing. And you CAN do it. You will find your way. My letter was just a way to start things off so that I didnt have to start the conversation! The letter was the easiest way for me. I am actually really glad I did it. I was in shock actually. I handed it to her and practically ran out of her office as fast as possible... and then I felt stupid for even doing it. BUT... IT WORKED. I didnt say anything to her for a while when I would go to her office. Just yes or no.... I was still in shock and freaked out.
But, everything was ok and I wish now that I had seen that then. Sometimes its hard to see things while you are in them. But, I know it will get better for you once you get help. You will see. You will find a way to talk to someone. I learned to be patient the hard way, so trust me when I say be patient with yourself. Dont try to push it. You will tell someone when the time is right. I know you want to very badly and it seems the time is right but, you will see when the time is really right. I did. And I am very proud of myself for telling someone. And my counselor is proud of me for telling her! Everyone was proud when I told! lol But, you are not a failure because you havent told anyone YET.
You will find the way. Dont be so hard on yourself. I know how you feel. Your post is probably almost identical to many of my posts! But, it gets better in time.... take care.
"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another
word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."