Too exhausted to try anymore.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

unplugged
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 5/9/2008 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Every day I wake up and am unsure whether I will be totally sedentary and unmotivated to do anything or talk to anyone, or whether I will be hyperactively running around doing things. I have been struggling with depression for years and years now, and just when I think I am starting to feel a little better, I am overpowered by such helplessness all over again. Literally from one moment to the next, I am friendly and enthused, then am sad and anxious and don't want to be in the presence of people. When this happens, I try to remind myself "this won't last long, you might be happy again tomorrow. you could have it so much worse. stop being sad." But it never ends up working, the guilt I feel for being so down just makes everything worse. Just because other people suffer from things worse than I do, doesn't mean my problems don't exist. I try to keep busy and do things that make me feel good, like making music and writing and painting. But if I am not constantly doing these things, nothing can make me happy. People annoy me. They are destructive and unappreciative of the world and all the potential and beauty that lies within it. It makes me ashamed to even be alive. Everyone I know thinks I am this sad sad person who hates the world, when really, I feel like I am the only one who really loves it sometimes. I live in a white trash town with a bunch of ignorant people who are only interested in hunting and watching football and getting drunk. It sickens me. I am so much better than this. I just moved here after failing my second semester of my freshman year of college. I had become severely depressed and overwhelmed. I slept all the time, never left my room, and quit going to classes. I have hypothyroidism and was virtually off my medication for about two weeks because my prescription was up and my doctor wouldn't refill the prescription for some odd reason. I went to a new endocronologist and they did some tests and discovered that my dose had been far too low in the first place. Now I am on what i hope is the right dosage of synthroid, and I have seen some subtle changes, but for the most part, I am as sluggish, moody, anxious, and depressed as I have always been. I get so tired of constantly persuading myself that I can make it through the day. I sometimes wish that something would just kill me quick and easy. I hate saying that, I feel so pathetic. But I can't *&%^ing take all of this disappointment.

bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 5/9/2008 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
My heart goes out to you. It sounds as though you feel you have the weight of the world upon your shoulders. This is just my opinion, but it sounds to me like you are someone who truly appreciates culture. It's a wonderful thing that you appreciate nature and it's presence. Perhaps, instead of resenting people who aren't as appreciative, you should just enjoy the fact that you do appreciate it. It sounds like you aren't very happy in your new surroundings. Please try to give people a chance, maybe not everyone is "white trash". I don't know much about your medication, but I do know it usually takes quite some time for a medication to do it's job. Please try to be patient. If your art is what makes you happy, then I don't see the harm in doing it as much as possible. You sound to me like you are a very gifted person. Perhaps some counseling might help you as well. A good counselor may be able to help you with some of your anger issues towards people in general. Let us know how you are doing. HW is a very supportive place.

Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I'm dealing with my own issues, as well as a husband in a rehab, who also is being diagnosed with depression.


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 5/10/2008 1:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Eej Unplugged,

I think I've experienced the same sort of depression you experience know. I feel bad when I am around people, I feel bad for the stupid things some do, and sleeping was the best thing I could come up with. Also you mentioned you like to write music and write in general, exactly the same here.

Have you ever wondered why you are on this planet? What your purpose is? I can tell you there is no purpose, you just are. It is the same with those people you hate. There are who they are, how stupid they might be. But I can tell you hating them won't solve a thing. Hate equals pain, and hating someone won't make you feel better. Accepting who they are will trigger no further hate, and thus no further pain. And yes, it is as simple as that. Accept who they are, and maybe try to make them better, but try not to have any negative emotions because of them, it will only hurt you, not them.

I never thought about suicide, but at some point I wouldn't care whether I would wake up or not. It seemed so peaceful, not to wake up anymore, no more pain. But every day I woke up, and that's it. I live, I am.

I agree with Bionca, you probably are a very gifted person. Just try not to feel bad because of what others do, what other think etc.
And try to keep posting, it sure helped me a lot.

All the best!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/10/2008 3:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Unplugged

Welcome to the forum,we are very glad that you are here.

I read a little bit about the med that you are on,and it does not sound like you are being treated for depression with it.

My opinion is that you need to go back to your doctor and let them know what is going on with you.
Then see if you can get something to help you through it.

Remember it is ok to ask for help, and sometimes we need something to help us get through the worst times of depression.'
Also, I am a firm believer that in order to beat depression you have to be in a healthy environment. I know it is a big change,but is there anyway you can move to a place that you fit in better?

And, you also need to deal with why you have depression in the first place. Usually that means talking about it, and maybe you need to consider some type of counseling if you can.

Please use this board,as you can see we all understand and will be there for you as much as we can.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 5/10/2008 4:10 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell,

Im really sorry that you are feeling like this at the moment but I am glad that you have found us. We are like a big family here and we all help and support each other.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life at the moment and I think that might be playing a part in your depression. Moving to a new area, failing a school year, trouble managing hypothyroidism etc... are all going to take their toll on your mental health and stability. I think Shy is right when she says that you need to go back and see your doctor.

Remember, that we are always here for you. There is usually someone around on Depression since it is one of the bigger forums. Please kep talking to us.

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 5/10/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Unplugged,

Welcome to Healing Well, you have come to a very good place.  The members here are wonderful.

I can understand how you feel, I live in a very disfunctional small town.  The people here have no respect for nature and all they do is drink and other things.  I can't say what they are on here.  But I, like you, get very frustrated with them so I stay away from them.  I too, love to paint and do other crafts.   That is what keeps my sanity, though I am very fortunate, I live at the north end of town and have enough property to be able to enjoy nature.   Behind me is all state land and I can go for walks in the woods and enjoy all of the beautiful natural things that the Lord has to offer me.

I too have isolated myself and spent days in bed.  That is a phase that we go through, but in the meantime we are missing out on a lot of living.  We have a right to be happy.  So don't stay in bed too long.  Your life keeps going on even though you are sleeping.  You deserve to live, just like everybody else.  So I hope that you seek the help that you need soon so you can get on with your life. 

Have you ever painted when you feel this way?  It is said that some of the best art work comes from being depressed, it is a way of expressing your feelings and you would be suprised what all you can do even when you are feeling down.  So get those paints out and see what happens.

Most of all, keep posting, I go through the same thing that you do with people, there was a point where I dispised them.    But I realized that it only caused me frustration and anger and I didn't deserve to feel that way.  So I stopped hating. 

I sure hope that you feel better soon.  And as was said above, talk to your doctor about it. 

I hope that this helped some, keep posting.

Luv and hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


unplugged
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 5/10/2008 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I can't believe how many of you have responded. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give your advice. I truly appreciate it. I've thought about everything you all have said, and I already have a doctors appointment scheduled this Tuesday. I'm hoping to explain everything to my doctor, and that he will try to provide some sort of explanation. I am making art as often as I can, but as I said, when I am not, I become bored, and my boredom leads to me focusing on all of the things that worry me or make me angry. Today I just found out that because I withdrew from my classes last semester, I am being charged a large sum of money, have to come up with it by the end of the month. I am incredibly stressed and angry about this seeing as I tried and tried to talk to the administrators at the school before I withdrew, and it took them forever to respond to my calls. Then when they finally did call me back, they assured me that it was not too late to withdraw and that I would not get any refunds, but would not be charged extra. It's always something. I had numerous financial problems with that school, but that's a whole other issue. Either way, I have to deal with this problem some how. The worst part is that the loan was in my mother's name, so now she is left to foot the bill and I know she cannot afford it. I definitely can't let her endure that on her own, it really isn't her problem. This is all my fault and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I feel like such a failure.
I know I'm complaining a lot, I should stop being lazy and try to fix it, but I don't even know where to begin. It seems like everything I do is wrong.

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 5/10/2008 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Eej there,

Writing down your thoughts isn't bad in any way, you're not complaining at all in my honest opinion. And let me get this straight, you are NOT a failure. I can't convince you, you have to convince yourself that you are just as worthy as the rest.

You already made an appointment with your doctor, which is a very good way to begin.

What I'm about to say now might sound really stupid, and it might make sense, but I think it is worth saying as it helped me a lot. You are talking about your problems. What if I say there is no such thing as problems? Problems are memories from the past or things to do for the future, but with a negative twist to them. At this very moment, do you have a problem? Not in 5 minutes, not in ten days, but now? Probably not. There are things that should be taking care of in the future, but accepting that there are things to do and be in peace with them will get rid of the negative side of a problem. It won't create any more stress, or pain, or hate, anger, sadness. At least, this is how it works for me.

I believe you are a wonderful individual.

All the best in the future, and keep posting!

P.S: It might be a very inappropiate question, but I would love to hear and see some of your art if possible :)
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/11/2008 4:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Unplugged

Is there anyway you can try to get some legal aid? I would think think that once your doctor puts in a report that you are suffering from depression and all of your other medical probs,that they would back off.

Just a thought,I hope that you are able to figure this out! What a mess!
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 5/11/2008 5:14 AM (GMT -7)   
HI unplugged,

As Wayen said, try to live in the moment. Worrying only makes you feel bad. This will work out. These things do. As Shy said, try to get some free legal aid. They told you that you wouldn't have to worry about it and then they said you do. Just keep trying to get to the bottom of it if you can. But don't worry about it when you can get a moment to not think about it. I hope that made sense. We try to program our minds to only worry when we are dealing at the problem at the time. But rest our minds when we are not.

I really hope that you can work this out. Make small payments if you have to. But my sister went through that and never paid, though with it being in your mother's name, I can see why you would be concerned. Maybe if she has to pay it, you can pay her back. Something will work out, I am sure of that. As long as you are trying, it will all work out.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going. At least coming here to vent, it will ease your mind some. Good luck with this.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


unplugged
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 5/13/2008 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you guys. My grandmother has been visiting, I've just been tied up with other things. But today I went to see my doctor. (endocrinologist) And I don't know how much any of you know about thyroid conditions, but I have severe hypothyroidism. Which many think only affects metabolism, but it can have a serious mental effects if severe enough and not treated properly. And actually, I have never known if I even had a thyroid, part of it was removed when I was born. But today I had an ultrasound and it turns out I don't even have one, and have been on an extremely inadequate dose of medication for it. They did some blood work, and the results will come back in a couple of days and hopefully my medicine will be adjusted and perhaps all of this horrible depression and anxiousness will begin to slowly diminish. Until then, I'm really trying to be good to myself, and to control my feelings and reactions. And again, I greatly appreciate your time and advice, it has helped more than I can say.

afterglo
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 5/13/2008 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm so happy that you may have discovered at least one of the reasons you're feeling depressed!!

Please, keep us posted as to your progress.

You need someone to act on your behalf (family member, trusted friend) in filling out the paperwork that is involved in disputing your school's charges. Once that burden is lifted you'll feel even better. yeah


unplugged
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 5/14/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I am most definitely going to keep everyone posted. I'm so glad I found these boards!

My mother and I are going to try and sort this financial issue out this week. Hopefully something positive comes out of it. I still feel really guilty though. I want to mention to my mother the fact that I was and am depressed, I'm not sure how to say it though. I know she is aware of it, but I do my very best not to show just how horrible I feel. She gets worried and then get's angry that she can't do anything about it..

Wayen, and anyone else who is interested, I do have a music myspace if you're interested in hearing some of my songs. Unfortunately I don't have any of my artwork up anywhere yet. The art is more of a new development that I'm still exploring.

www.myspace.com/chelseashay

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 5/14/2008 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Eej there!

First of all, thank you for sharing your music, it's absolutely wonderful!

One thing though. I might have missed it, but does anyone (family, friends etc) that is close to you knows that you feel depressed? I have experienced depression for several years, but telling my friends of how I felt was the best thing. I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and emotions, and I thought people would find me pathetic or stupid if I said that I were depressed.
My friends haven't changed the way they threat me, they behave as if I hadn't told them, which I think is awesome. But if they don't behave different, how could it help? Well, knowing that they know it helps, but what helped me most was just the telling. It was a really tough conversation for me, but telling about your feelings in real life is something different than any indirect way of communication.

The point I want to make here is that you should tell someone in real life about your thoughts and feelings if you haven't done that already, whether it would be your mom, your friends, a doctor. I never told me parents directly, although I told them something was wrong, I didn't felt comfortable telling them.

It just might help you out, and try to keep smiling :), you truly are gifted in many ways

Good luck with everything!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


unplugged
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 5/14/2008 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for listening to my music!

Two of my closest friends know that I am. And they don't treat me differently or anything, but they are open to talk if I'm having a particularly rough day. I try not to do that though, I know they have their own problems to deal with. I have never told my mom or dad or step dad or really any family members flat out, that I am depressed. I know they suspect it, but I don't know if they understand the severity of it sometimes. Everything started in middle school, sophomore year of high school was particularly bad. I think that was when my Mom first began to recognize that I had some emotional issues. Since then though, it seems she thinks that it all just went away. She is a highly stressed out person as it is, I don't want her to have even more on her plate. And, I have a feeling she would just tell me to 'suck it up'.

afterglo
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 5/14/2008 4:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi unplugged,

I'm so happy to hear that you have two supportive friends! These are the people that you count on.

I understand not wanting to burden your mom with your problems, but as a mom (and a survivor of depression) I'd want to know. Is it worth a try? If not, keep posting here and you'll get lots of support and help. yeah


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 5/15/2008 9:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I have something similar with my mom, I just wouldn't tell her because I believe she will react in a "wrong" way, or worry too much. Like afterglo said, friends can be very supportive, but if you find that talking to them helps you, do it. If they don't want you to, I bet they will tell you. Just ask them frequently if you aren't talking too much.
I had something similar, I was afraid of sharing all my thoughts and emotions, partly because I felt ashamed, partly because I didn't want to bother no-one with my problems. It ended up in hours long phone calls and chats with one of my close friends, and it helped a lot.

Friends can be there for you to pull you out of that pit of sadness. Maybe you should ask yourself the following question: "Do I actually want this depression to end?". It might seem a pretty stupid question, but there where times that my sadness gave me some sort of self-image, a projection of what I am. I didn't want to get rid of my depression at those times, because it was who I am. At least, I thought, because it is madness to live your life in constant pain and conflict with your surroundings. Your friends can help you out of that vicious circle, and you just shouldn't worry about the consequences, you will know them in time, and you should deal with them when they show up, not before they show up.

All the best!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 3:17 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,406 posts in 301,114 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151254 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Amir5600.
185 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
gitane44, Stetsonva


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer