I Need Some Hugs...(warning, sad story)

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 5/19/2008 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
(WARNING:VERY SAD STORY[but I really need to vent])I just realized while typing a reply on something else that tomorrow is May 20th. Its a big day for me... 3 years ago May 20th is when my Grandma passed away. I was only 13 at the time and wasnt sure how to react, but I have never gotten over it... For those of you who know me you know that I am not close to people. She was the only person I have ever been close to. She meant the world to me, still does. I was her first grandchild our of 3 so there was a special bond between us.
 
For as long as I can remember she has been there for me. I called her everyday even when I had nothing ot talk about. She fell 2 weeks before the 20th which was on a Friday. I remember everything very vividly. I remember coming home to my dad pacing in the front yard. We went to her house and she was so stubborn, she wouldnt go to the hospital. She knew what was wrong, I believe. That Sunday was Mother's Day... I spent every minute with her. She went to the hospital the next day. I woke up, went to school, went to the hospital, went to sleep, and repeated everyday. A week and 1/2 later(Wedn.) I went ot see her as usual.
 
I remember every detail. I was watching American Idol that night. My dad was tearing up behind me, but I pretended not to notice. Everytime I looked back she was watching me, smiling. I knew she was remembering the good times we spent. I knew how much she loved me. When we finally said goodbye, as I walked out, I said "I love you" and she mumbled the say back to me, but her eyes caught my attention. While looking into them, I could tell she didnt want me to leave.
 
She knew it was the last time she would see me. I never saw her awake after that. Thursday night I had the choice of staying the night, and I didnt, I wish I had. Friday morning I went early and she hang on until I got there. about 10-15 minutes later, I left the room because I knew.
 
Anyways, tomorrow is the day. I know she is watching over me and wants me to be happy. Tomorrow is also Awards Day at school. I will recieve several awards...and I know she will be watching me. She would be so proud of me now. I have grown up so much and I wish she were physically here. I want to be able to hold her fragile body in my strong arms. I want to show her how much she means to me. I want to feel her warmth and recieve her kiss. I want to see the way she looked at me, proud, loving, like I was everything to her. If she were here now I would tell her how much I love her and hold her tight within my grip.
 
But, she's not. I have to let go and realize I cant change it. I old her picture tight across my heart as my tears drip down. I close my eyes and see her face looking back at me. I want to reach for her, but I cant touch her. She rises above me and keeps a close eye. She is always right beside me. She is so proud of me. And she loves me very much. I have never gotten over it, as she meant more to me than anything, but I am SO glad that she is in a better place. She is at the hands of God and He is taking good care of her. She feels no pain. She is at peace now.
 
I didnt mean for this to be so sad, to bring back your own memories, or to make anyone cry. I just needed to get it out. If anyone else wishes to let it out, thats ok. We are all here together. I am very grateful to have each of you in my life. You guys have done so much for me and I have gained so much. Thank you guys so much!
 
Dominus Vobiscum(the Lord be with you [in Latin] )  =]

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 5/19/2008 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   
You are so right Christi, Your Grandmother is Watching Over You and is so Proud of You...And she will always be there watching over you. And will always be so proud of you because you are always doing the very best that you can. So you let those tears flow for your grandmother, because that is what is so wonderful about the memories. It is healthy for you to cry for her. You were so close and loved eachother so much. And she will always be with you no matter what.

Love and hugs, to you Christi,
Karen....
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 5/19/2008 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi - she knows what you are doing, and she IS proud of you and knows how much you have grown. AND SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER, AND LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK.

After my grandma passed my grandpa said something to me that I have always remembered and often repeat to others when they have suffered a loss. He said something along the lines of, "your grandma loves you and wants you to remember the good times. She doesn't want you to remember her as sick and frail. She wants you to remember her smile, when you remember her smile, you will know she is with you." So, I always tell others (and I'm telling you).....remeber her smile and hold it in your heart, know that she is with you.

I am so sorry that 5/20 is a bad day for you. For me, it is the day my beautiful daughter was born, my only daughter. She looks so much like me it is scary....worse yet, she acts like her father. She will be 23.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Flexeril
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 5/20/2008 1:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you today.

bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 5/20/2008 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Ya know, when you hold someone so close to your heart, you don't ever have to let them go really. I think your Grandma would be incredibly proud of you, but I also think that she would want you to grow close to others as well. Your Grandma loved you so much because she saw something really wonderful in you. I just think she would want you to share it.

Very Very Big Hugs To You.


Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I'm dealing with my own issues, as well as a husband in a rehab, who also is being diagnosed with depression.


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/20/2008 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis

You were so lucky to have her,and she was very lucky to have you.
Just remember she loved you,and knew you loved her!!

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1249
   Posted 5/20/2008 5:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Christi,  I have never responded to you before but please accept my sympathies on the loss of your dear Grandma.  I know how painful it can be and anniversaries are hard.  I still miss my Grandmother very much and it has been 45 yrs!  I always visit her grave and talk to her and that gives me peace.  There is no time limit on grief. Just tell yourself that you are allowed to cry and grieve as long as you need.  I have lost all my grandparents, Father, Mother and Sisters.  If you have a grief support group in your area you might find some comfort there.  Please know that all of us on these boards care and we all need to support each other in good times and bad.  Take good care of yourself.
Aurora

bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 5/20/2008 6:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry, Christi. But at least you have good memories of your Grandma and just keep those in mind!
*hugs*
Female, Age 19, Dx w/ UC August 2007
Seasonal allergies
9 Asacol/day, 1000 mg Canasa (caused side effects), Proctofoam
Digestive Advantage (Crohn's & Colitis), 2 pills/day
Calcium chews
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 5/20/2008 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone. I thought of her today everytime I wrote the date on my paper at school. Also, it was Awards Day at school. I recieved A/B Honor Roll(goh "1" B in Eng..a 87 ughhh), Highest Average in AP Psychology, Highest Average in Anatomy, and Highest Average in Latin II! I thought of her when I got my awards. As a kid, I always imagined her at my graduation and stuff (which will be really hard next year when I do graduate)...So, I just imagined her there saying how proud of me she was.

My mom is finally letting me drive. She says to stay on backroads, but today I really wanted to go visit my Grandma's grave. It has been hardest on me, I know. I think of her often and always on special days, such as today. However, getting to the cemetary requires going down a highway(which isnt a big deal), but I didnt want to completely lie to my mother. I didnt want something to happen and then get in trouble. But, I did go half way there. I just really wanted to go see her. I dont go often. No one was as close to her as me, and I was the same to her so... But, no one mentioned her today...

On the bus this morning, it was around the same time years ago when I was standing at the foot of her bed. The whole thing played again in my head. I cant remember pretty much everything, vividly, so I seen it again. I had to hold it in the best I could. Everytime I think of her I cry. I know she wouldnt want me to cry. She always wanted me to be happy. But, Im sure she understands and she knows how much I care.

I will remember her again next month on her birthday, which happens to be 1 month before mine, but 1 day after(hers is June 29th mine July 28th)...thats how I always remembered. I will go on see her soon. (I am a really good driver so I trust getting myself there!)

Today hasnt been horrible. I got awards. I got to miss a few classes for that...I got to drive by myself for the first time! (loved it btw!) Thanks for all your kind words! Well, I have an English final tomorrow(ugghhh...I can alreay smell a bad grade! my worst subject..) and I have Anatomy stuff that I am NOT done with...(and wont be...)

Thanks so much, I love you guys! P.S. Happy B-day to your daughter Sue!

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/21/2008 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Tennis

you should be so proud of yourself!! That is awesome,and I am sure your family is very proud too.

Driving!! you are FREE!!
Gawd I remember how great that felt,soon you will be getting your own car.

Good luck on the English Final,let us know how it went.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

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