Now, I'm Confused.

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Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 5/21/2008 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
is it okay... to give up?
Because I want to...
And I don't mean I want to die...
I'm just sick of it all...
I'm sick of pretending like I like my mother, because I don't. I'm sick of pushing people that I care about away, because in the end I'm hurting myself, more than them. I'm sick of pretending I'm happy when all I want to do is cry, everyday. I'm not happy and I don't wanna be happy. I'm so use to being sad I just wanna be sad, do I have to pretend?
I don't know how to keep my friends around... They mean the world to me... with out them I wouldn't be strong enough to pretend as much and as long as I can and do... but my friends have breaking points and most of them are sick of my random freak outs or tired of wondering when the next time I'm going to try and push them away is... or when I'm going to call them crying for hours.
I wish I was tweleve again, those were some of my happiest days... I mean sure I got beat almost everyday by my mom with a frying pan or a broom stick but I was happy than because I didn't know I was Bipolar I had never told anyone about my abuse with my mom just with my dad and I never had to see him... and my biggest problem back than was that I had fallen off my bike or lost my favorite Nsync CD...
back than my mom was a secret... the hurt was a secret and I didn't have to deal with it... I didn't know it really existed... I thought I was just being punished... and I was use to it... I was use to being beat...
honestly, I just want it all to end. I want to be happy but I don't want to try... so I'd rather be sad... and Now I'm confused.

bring me back home
bipolar I

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 5/21/2008 9:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Eej Bringmeback,

I am sorry to hear all this... Some things sound so familiar, like the wish to be really young again because there where no problems back then. Or that you want to be sad because it actually feels better than that fake sense of happiness.

If you feel sad, you are sad. Don't pretend that you are happy. The only one your fooling with that is yourself. Just experience the feelings sadness give you, try to observe it rather than let the pain take control. Or just accept that you are sad, that will at least bring some peace to your mind.

And with your mom, it seems that you have all the reason to dislike or even hate her. But from my personal experience I can tell you that hate doesn't solve problems, it only creates problems. Your mom has beaten you, but that is the past, it is behind you. Please try to forget it, because it will only hurt you. Disliking your mom because of what she did won't hurt her, only you.

With your friends, they know how you are, they are your friends because of that. If you don't want to push them away, just don't do it, although that can be impossible. They might feel insecure if you still want them to be your friends, so show them that you do. Invite your friends for a dinner, or a movie or something else, just to show them you still want them to be your friends.

All the best!
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 5/21/2008 9:54 AM (GMT -6)   
I've accepted that I'm depressed but I can't let it show because it affects the people around or others confront me and that upsets me....
I try to put what my mom has doen behind me I've done so with my father I now forgive him for the abuse and love him... I still  dislike him at times but I dont hate him anymore... its hard with her though... although she doesnt beat me anymore she emotionally tears me down everyday... and I think that until I can get out of the house I'll always hate her and I'll never be abel to move on... as long as I live with her...
And as for the friends... your right I guess... I'll try to do something to let them know I still want them to be my friends..
Thank you for responding
bring me back home
bipolar I

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40403
   Posted 5/21/2008 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bringmeback,

Erik is so wise and good at giving advice, isn't he? He has seemed to learn the key to thinking.

You do have a right to be angry with your mother. What she did wasn't right. But I can see how you would like to put that behind you. But the emotional abuse is what it is, abuse. Just try to ignore it, I guess. Are you old enough to move out of the home?

Let your friends know how you feel. They could be your lifeline at this point. I know that you feel bad when other people feel bad for you. But once you get it out, it is out and you can move on with your friendships.

I hope that this helps some.
hugs, Karen

You sound like a very caring person.
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 5/21/2008 3:15 PM (GMT -6)   

I'm not very good at giving advice and I'm not very articulate a lot of the time, but your post really struck a chord with me, I know exactly what you mean when you say that your so used to being sad, I feel like that too sometimes, happiness is so fragile at times, it scares me to death a lot of the time, everytime I feel happy I am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for it to end..... I guess thats how you feel too. I also know aht you mean, when you say that you didn't have to dead with it when it was a secret, its so easy to distance yourself from something when you have to pretend its not happening, its only now, later when its all over that you have to face the consequences, and it hurts like crazy!

Don't really know what I can say that will make you feel better, but I am here if you want to talk xx

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 5/21/2008 5:23 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi there,

You have been through something that no human being should have to endure and the simple fact that you have come through it is something to be proud of. Now that the hurt is over a repairing & healing process has to begin but it cannot begin until you are ready. Do you have any talking therapy for what happened? If not, this would be a good place to start. As for your feelings towards your mother... As Erik has said, hate is not the solution and neither is revenge or guilt. Unless you let them go, they are all feelings which consume you more and more. Im not saying you should forgive her but what I am saying is dont spend the rest of your life hating her.


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if your not enough without it, you will never be enough with it." - Irvine Blitzer (John Candy) in Cool Runnings
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