You have been through something that no human being should have to endure and the simple fact that you have come through it is something to be proud of. Now that the hurt is over a repairing & healing process has to begin but it cannot begin until you are ready. Do you have any talking therapy for what happened? If not, this would be a good place to start. As for your feelings towards your mother... As Erik has said, hate is not the solution and neither is revenge or guilt. Unless you let them go, they are all feelings which consume you more and more. Im not saying you should forgive her but what I am saying is dont spend the rest of your life hating her.