Where Does It End?

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StartAnew
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/24/2008 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been divorced a year this coming May 31st. I was separated from my ex for almost 2 years previous to that. He had an affair in '97 that I took him back for..did the counseling bit, took the blame..stayed with him due to us having a daughter together. He did it again in '05 and I was done.

I see now how much denial I was actually in. I almost shut myself off when I found out and became Ms. Tough cookie. My daughter was 6 the first time and 15 the next time. I feel she got lost in the mix of all this. When I found out my ex was cheating in '05, he left and instantly became the victim. In a 10 day period I found out that he was cheating, the other woman was pregnant yet they both told me they aborted the child so I wouldn't be reminded of the affair, he had spent $30,000 in retirement from his job's retirement, blew our entire bank account, I was only working 10 hours a week, our house's roof got damaged, the septic system went haywire, my blazer's transmission blew up........in other words, I went in deep debt trying to keep ends met and bills paid. I had to file bankruptcy due to all of it.

He has not picked our daughter up since he left..not even for a hamburger. He doesn't call to see how she is...never once has he called to say the simple words "How is she?" The other woman left him in a matter of days and he instantly became the 'woest me' victim saying no one wanted him now and has yet to take any responsibility for his actions.

I love my daughter to death but she's had to live like a college roommate to me...I went to work full time, went back to college..and couldn't even finish due to being exhausted......and she was alone about 75% of the time. I think she just lost herself just as much as me. She hardly has any respect for me and her schoolwork suffered. I have not dated since he left and I am so lonely I could scream. But my guilt is eating me alive. I feel like such a failure to her...I'm not rich, I couldn't finish college, I'm worn out, I had to file bankruptcy..I failed her so much. I couldn't give her things that other parents have. Her dad wants nothing to do with her and I'm so weak. What she must have went thru is killing me. And I just didn't see it because I was so self absorbed in my own pain, anger, and my need to push ahead and not let anyone see me not in control. I have a hard time asking for help and don't know how.

She is now in her senior year and can't graduate with her class due to not being able to pass the History part of Ohio's Graduation Tests. She has all her credits, yet is 4 points away from getting the score she needs. And she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't seem to care about much. She's become a hermit and treats me like I"m a leper or something. Her dad is required to pay support until she turns 18 and then I have no idea how I'm going to support us both. If she has no diploma I have no idea how she's going to work. I almost feel like her anger towards him has been so compounded on me that she blames me full tilt.

On top of all this, I've had my mother telling her in private that I should have been here more..I shouldn't have had to work nor go to college...I can't seem to win for losing. I feel I have no one in my corner at all. I began a new job at a large hospital here in January - I hear the girls talk of their husbands/boyfriends..their young kids..their happy lives..and I feel so inferior to them all. Like if they all only knew how lonely and depressed I really was they'd be in shock. I put on a false front of how I've made my life better since my divorce but it's been such a struggle that I just don't know how to function much anymore. I stutter and stammer around the doctors and feel I'm beneath them...I'm shy and very to myself. I know I've become paranoid and they wouldn't have hired me unless they feel I can do the job............but I feel so out of their league. They live in huge houses, have things I'll never dream of having..........young fresh lives with small babies.......and my daughter won't even hardly talk to me. I come home to silence and when she does talk it's mostly sarcasm. I don't feel like coming home hardly anymore.

I just feel so out of control.........but what's scaring me is that I can't admit it to anyone. I just keep hiding it inside and cover it up. I worry about money...I'm so lonely.......but most of all, I love my daughter to death and feel like I failed her. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for listening.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 5/24/2008 8:21 PM (GMT -7)   
HI Startanew,

Well, wow, that is a lot...What is up with this? I see a strong woman, who has taken over and picked up the pieces that her husband strew all over the place. Tied up the lose ends and is taking care of herself and her daughter sucessfully. I know it isn't easy, but you have come a long way and achieved a lot. You should be proud of yourself.

You can't let what you think somebody is thinking about you stand in your way. Hold your head up, you do your job and obviously do it well. Please be proud of who you are.

It sounds like your daughter needs to take responsibility for her school work. Sure she is angry, but that is no excuse at her age to blow off school. Maybe you should have a talk with her and explain that she will be 18, if she doesn't finish school, she will not get a good job. Which are hard to come by these days. I know that she has been through a lot, but sarcasm, no, not in this house....You need to try to get her to understand your situation.

How can you blame yourself for your husband's selfish actions anyway? That is silly. He committed adultry twice, then blew a ton of money. That was your money too. You are his wife. He is the one neglecting the family right now. Not you.

I hope that this helped some, my opinion is all. I hope that you can realize what a wonderful person that you are and that you should be proud of yourself.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Lindaloo
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 5/24/2008 8:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Start Anew and welcome to Healing Well. You will find many supportive and knowledgeable people on this site. I'm glad you came and posted.

It it obvious you have a lot on your plate and I wouldn't be so naive to offer you simple solutions to some very complex issues. I only offer you my sympathy and my prayers for you and encourage you to not give up.

Listen, it sounds like your daughter may be suffering from depression. My daughter went through a serious depression during her senior year. I had her sign out of all her advanced classes and go into regular classes to take some of the pressure off. One thing I did that I encourage you to do, is to get her to a doctor to be evaluated. She may need some medication if her depression is serious. Please follow up on this

Good luck and God bless you and your daughter.

Hugs,
Linda
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to your fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee. 
 
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.
 
Linda C.


pezpez
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/24/2008 10:38 PM (GMT -7)   
hi,
First of all I think you are a really strong woman. I feel badly that you are in such a difficult situation and I can understand that it musn't be nearly easy. I have a very similar situation with my mother and I don't know if it will help or not but it might give you insight to how your daughter is feeling i guess.. I don't know. I am just a year younger than your daughter but I have been going through some of the same experiences.. my parents got divorced when I was seven and I barely see my dad anymore and I'm not remotely close with him, we go out for lunch maybe once a year, for this I do blame my mother although I know I shouldn't. Since my mother got remarried she has made a lot of choices that have really made my life unbearable and for this I push her away.. I don't want to get close with her because I'm worried that she'll do something else to me but at the same I know she's my mother and part of me longs to feel connected to her. I don't know but I guess your daughter could be feeling the same way. Likewise, my grandmother (when I talk alone with her) always puts down my mother and the choices shes made.. I also know that I shouldn't listen to them but I like hearing her say things because it can justify my anger I feel towards her. I feel guilty for all of this and I can imagine that your daughter does as well. I want to blame my mother for everything bad that has happened to me and maybe your daughter does as well.. what I really want is my mother to show some kind of guilt for what she has done so that it can justify my anger because she never understands.

I don't know if this is helpful or not.. but everytime my mother can be honest about her feelings when I talk to her it means so much to me (and it might to your daughter). I know that it will probably take a lot of courage to open up to her but everytime my mother does it makes me feel so much closer to her and it helps me in return tell her some of the things that are going on in my head. I also know that I want some closure or something to tell my father how I feel.. even if he wouldn't care, I've thought about writing a letter maybe that might help your daughter because I'm sure she would have a lot of unexpressed feelings about that, especially feelings she might blame you for. The other thing that my experience might help you with is that I often feel my mother doesn't love me because she doesn't express it often but when she does it means a lot, even if I brush it away or if I don't say I love her back it still makes me feel like she's there for me. One thing I've noticed is when my mother seems to critisize my feelings.. I think that if you are going to have a serious conversation you should try to understand her and accept how she is feeling (even if you don't agree)

I don't know if any of this helps or not. I know you need your daughter, and I think she needs you as well but she is just afraid to show it. Having a conversation (even if it doesn't solve the problem) can really help by just getting your feelings into the open. I also want to thank you because this post really made me realize that my mother might well be feeling some of the same things but just won't show it. I really wish you luck and I hope you sort it out soon!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 5/25/2008 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Pezpez,

I wanted to welcome you to Healing Well. You have come to a good place where you will find the people here are wonderful. They are caring and very kind. There is no judging here.

I hope that you post more, we are all here to help eachother.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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