I need some Encouragment! Maybe some insight.

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Slick1209
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/28/2008 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am new to this forum that I just wandered on by accident; when I was looking for help with coping with my wife for separating from me. I read a few stories and saw that some of the things I hear, see, and feel other people do to.
Here is a quick back story. Married for 6 years have 2 young girls and up till resently; took my wife for granted. I did her wrong in so many ways. I'm making progress with myself as far as being the husband I need to be as well as just the person I need to be. There have been some rough times in our marriage to put it mildly.
We just started counseling once a week and although it is helping some; its not what I have hoped for. The counselor so far has heard our rough past and made some suggestions on how to do things different. He in our last visit questioned my wife about depression. He advised her to seek some anxiety/depression medication which we hope will help her with the way she feels and unfeels about me. Now that I've found this site I can see that there are a lot of the same stories with different words attached.
Here is what I'm reaching out for. I love my wife dearly and just like I've read on this site some days are great days with her where I can see the woman I married that Loves me back. I long for her to feel the same about me. Then there are those days when she starts to question who she is as a person. Why does life for her seem so insane. If I could just start over and get a redo it'll all be alright. Your not my soulmate! You don't get me.
I'm here by her side through whatever this all ends up to, but it drives her insane I guess because I'm here hoping and trying and changing myself for the better; for us. "Its not that easy for me" she says, but I'm here to say that its not that easy for me either. Its hard to admit your faults and try to change them. I feel all alone now. sad Any suggetions are very welcome.

Slick1209

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/28/2008 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Slick,
I just popped over to the depression thread on a whim - normally I post to the chronic pain section. But I've got a lot of professional background that might be of help here.

First, please stick with the counseling. It is not a "quick fix" process, but if you have a good therapist and work through things, it can help. Second, depression and anxiety have many causes, including genetic. There is often a biochemical component as well as psychological and social issues, so if the therapist is recommending your wife consider medication he/she likely sees the need for it. And sometiemes without the medication the depression will not improve. The best outcomes are with a combination of therapy and medication. I would encourage your wife to follow through with the suggestions, but you cannot control what she chooses to do. You can control and decide how you're going to learn and grow during this time.

I sense you have a commitment to the marriage, and that's wonderful and very much needed to get you through these trying times. I don't know what it is you may have done, but if, for example, there was a breach of trust that in and of itself can take months or even a couple of years to repair. That's without any depression or anxiety on your wife's part. If there's been an affair, or any physical or emotional abuse, these are breaches of trust. I'm not trying to judge you, just trying to offer some guidance. Many people want the pain to go away fast, and not have to work through the tough details, but there's no way around it. Yet, if you do, it can be very well worth it. Your therapist may be able to recommend some things for you to read to show you that it's possible to heal a marriage, but it may take time.

And it may be very difficult to do if your wife doesn't get the recommended help. It's not easy for either of you, but if you do your part, and stay focused on what you can control, your wife may begin to believe that you're really working at it, and may be more willing to seek help for herself.

I hope this helps some.

PaLady

Please understand that while I've got some professional background, I am not here offering advice in a professional capacity. I'm just a chronic pain patient who happened to check out this board. Interesting coincidence I stumbled over here just as you did!

Post Edited (PAlady) : 5/28/2008 3:40:11 PM (GMT-6)


Micmac
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 5/28/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Slick, I totally feel your pain and frustration.

I'm in roughly the same position. I've been with my fiance for 9 years and have 2 kids (1 together another from her previous teen years). I can't figure out what to do. I love this woman with all my heart and even though I don't have that "new in love" feeling I know I'm in love with her still. Sadly, she doesn't seem to feel the same or has an unrealistic idea of being in love. I just don't know.

I think I'm a pretty great guy with lots to offer someone and I know I'm a darned fine father to both kids. I just don't understand why or how she'd be willing to throw away all we've had and a guy like me simply because of a feeling that may be influenced by a chemical imbalance.

I'm dealing with it one day at a time and it's the single hardest thing I've EVER done. My parents deaths were easier to deal with (both in the same week) than what I'm going through trying to be supportive and understanding to her needs.

I really feel your pain and I wish I had some advice to offer to you, but I'm in sore need of some myself.

I wish you all the best of luck. If you ever want to swap war stories feel free to drop an email
Uh, thank god for mom and dad
For sticking two together
'Cause we don't know hooowww...
-OutKast, Hey Ya


pezpez
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/28/2008 9:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Slick and Micmac!
Well I don't really know much about relationship advice...but I'll try.. You could maybe apply it to either case.

I think from the sounds of it your wife is interested in resolving your issues but I would guess that maybe part of her is really confused so she tries to protect herself by distancing away from situations in which she feels she might get hurt. I have to admire how passionate you are about making this relationship work and I think its great that you are still putting in effort into parenting your children.. because it probably will affect them as well.

I think counselling is a really great idea.. and even though it might not solve all your issues it will at least help you both have a mutal understanding of how the other person feels. I think it would be helpful to also talk outside of a councellors office. I don't know.. but maybe your wife feels stressed sometimes in the environment she is in.. so maybe go for a walk or go to the beach and talk and get some of your feelings out in the open in a space where she is comfortable and able to express herself.. i think letting the other person in on whats going on may make you vulnerable but it can bring you closer togeather because of it.. i think maybe there could be less of a wall between you.

Maybe you wife feels that something that happened in the past could repeat itself and I think that maybe you could help reassure her that it won't so she'll feel less insecure... if you find that there are somethings you can't say to her maybe write a letter to get how you feel. I think that if you truly love her you should let her know and not be afraid of opening up to love.. cheesy? maybe. I don't really know.

Anyways I hope you both figure it out and I hope you post back to let us know how its all going.
I wish I could help more but I don't know much.

GOODLUCK
pez pez

Slick1209
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/29/2008 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
WOW I'm at a lost on how to express the thankfulness that there is someone out there to listen to me and give there opinion on something that they feel is some truth to. [I'm not crazy.] PAlady, I really appreciate the sense of commitment that you describe. I feel like I don't get any credit for that. My wife's view on commitment is miniscuel in that as comparison to mine; but I see that to be differntly because of her background, and I would say also dew to this disease of depression and not knowing where to turn or what to do.
To answer the question of was there a breach of trust; YES there was on both parts. It on my part hasn't been for years but for her it is an ongoing battle that she keeps doing it. [ I think part of her problem is the mindset that if I just get away it'll all be ok.] And there is that guilt she has for doing it over and over looking for her answers; and she is like "how could you love me?"" I'm not good for you not worthy.". My answer is I don't really know. I guess if I knew what was good for myself I would just let her go. She hurt me over and over but yet I still want to help her because I can see a good life for us and our family in the future.
Maybe I am insane! Definition of insanity to me is this: you keep beating your head on a rock hoping for a different outcome, that is insane! So am I insane? My friends just tell me "You are a better man than I could ever be". That really doesnt help me but ok. I guess the main problem in our marriage right now is that she can't see that it is possible for me to really forgive all those things and she doesn't know if she can deal with it herself. Is this hopeless?
Micmac as you do so do I feel that I am a pretty good guy or at least on the road to greatness :-)LOL I really do feel more accomplished as a person for trying to do this right; for not only her but me.
pezpez thank you for your thoughts and yes I do know that she feels like our past is gonna come back to get her. I have apologized sincerly as of lately. Letters and face to face. I usually communicate through letters better because it doesn't come out so abruply. I haven't known or wanted to know till recently how important it is to really truly communicate your feelings in a non threatening manner.
Anyways thanks for the thoughts. More are welcome. :-)

Slick1209
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/29/2008 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
I am feeling constantly low in these trying times. I went out with a friend last night just to try to get my mind of it. It didn't work. It was a bad idea because he is on the other side of what's going on in my relationship. He is divorcing but happy its all over. Not a good choice for me now. Anyways I was wondering with this constant low and ball in my stomach and chest would it be ok to seek some antidepressants maybe just for this time in my life? I guess it is possible that i have a depression problem but doesn't everyone sometime or another.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40567
   Posted 5/29/2008 12:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I do think that we all have a bout of depression at one time or another. I think that it just depends on whether it is situational or a chemical imbalance.

If it is the situation, then talk therapy can often help. Maybe a short sprut of antidepressants. I recommend the counseling either way.

If it is a chemical imbalance, we definately need medication to even things out in our brains. And like I said I recommend counseling either way. It really helps to have an objective ear.

I wish you the best of luck, keep posting.
hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/29/2008 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Slick,
Yes, I would definitely recommend counseling and possibly anti-depressants. You can even talk with your family doctor about the medication, but I think talking to a counselor can help give you some support through all of this. It won't be easy to hang in there with the marriage, but that's what commitment means in my book - the willingness not to leave when things get rough. That doesn't mean you have to stay and be a martyr if your wife refuses to get any help. But if she's at least struggling, it's worth hanging in there. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but rarely is once you get over the fence. None of us is perfect, and put two imperfect people in a relationship and there will always be bumps.

I'm saying this tentatively but I wonder if you wife was a victim of childhood abuse. Her behavior is a little indicative of that, but it certainly could be due to other things. If she is, then there's a lot of healing work for her to do, and it will never be an easy road for her or you, but it can get better if you both do your part. If you have your own counseling that would help you learn when to stay, how to stay sane through it (no, you're not crazy!), and if it comes to it, when it's time to leave.

Wish you all the best....

PaLady

Slick1209
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 5/31/2008 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
I just want you to know that today I feel at peace with what is happening. Last night I tryed to call and call her, to no avail. I had a tugging on my heart that said go find her. I did. She was with her "guyfriend" at a friends house snuggled up sleeping together. I called her outside and spoke to her what God laid upon me to tell her. I was really hurt at the time. I have been praying for peace about this for a week and today I feel it because God let me see what is going on. I feel that it is in God's hands now what happens; even though I still pray that she make the right choice here. I still love her and if she can come to the conclusion that what right is right and ask me and God for forgiveness; it will be granted. If not I feel that God will set me free after the divorce.

PAlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 6/1/2008 12:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Slick,
I'm sorry you're having to experience such pain. I would still encourage you to seek some counseling and possibly an anti-depressant, for yourself. You will need some support no matter how this goes, even if it's to grieve as you move through a divorce. Try not to make a hasty decision out of pain, but that doesn't mean you need to be a martyr. Perhaps a separation is in order, and that can give you a chance to clear you head, get someone to help you sort it out so you will never look back and have second thoughts.

Take Care,

PaLady
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