I really could use some help!

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TryingHard
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/31/2008 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been married for 8 years we have 2 great kids (6 & 4) last year Sept 2007 to be exact my wife told me she had been talking with this other guy not sleeping or meeting him but the fact that she talked to someone else hurt but we worked through it and things seemed good.  Approx 1 mnth ago she sits me down and tell me there is something wrong she feels sad and nothing makes her happy and has had suicidal thoughts.  After a few tough days including some poor reactions on my part I realized this is depression.  Now she has been actively seeking help and I have been supporting her, the problem is just 3 days ago she told me again there was someone else nothing sexual but the did meet for coffee's and she did talk to him alot.  I noticed on her cell phone bill almost every night they talked and for long periods of time this has been going on since April and she says just recently ended as per what she told me.  The thing is I can't really say anything due to her depression I want to support her in getting better she has seen our family doctor and is now taking cymbalta 30mg and has another appt with our family doctor to be referred to therapist.  But she has lied to my face saying she was going out with friends and meeting him and talking to him behind my back and denied ever having someone else.  I love her more than anything but it hurts that this has gone on and now wonder if I can trust her.  Is this part of depression?  Is this normal to happen when in depression?  How do I feel good while I am trying to be supportive?
 
Please any insight

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40566
   Posted 5/31/2008 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that all this depends on what you are willing to tolerate. Being depressed is one thing but lying is another. If you can't trust her as to who she has been with, can you trust her with other things? I don't mean to sound suspiscious but If nothing was going on, how come she hasn't introduced you to her new friend. Would she like it if you did the same thing?

You might need some counseling to get through her depression. I could be way off base, one day at a time I guess. I just don't like dishonesty.

I hope that this helps some.

Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


nervymeg
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 5/31/2008 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
You can have depression, but IMHO you are still a human who should respect the ones they love. You sound like an amazing person and you DO NOT deserve to come second best.  Yes, be supportive, but another guy? Well that is not respect.  Take care of you and then you can help her. You must look after you first.

Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
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youalreadyknow
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/31/2008 7:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds to me like she may be feeling blue, and as a result, she is trying to get out of her rut. She may feel stuck and feel unable to "fix" things, so she's looking outward (him) instead of inward (herself and your relationship). Surprise her, make her feel like she did when you two were dating... revisit a happy memory that led you two to be together. Tell her that you miss her and how you used to be. Tell her that you're still there and need her.

PAlady
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Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 5/31/2008 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I'd really suggest you consider some couples counseling along with her own individual therapy. Sometimes a therapist will see both of you - at least for a couple of sessions, but that is up to your wife if it's her therapist. But it sounds like your relationship needs some help right now, too, as I suspect she's using someone else to help lift her mood. Depression can take a long time to treat, yet it isn't ok to be unfaithful and affairs start by being emotional involvements. A couples counselor is a neutral party that could help give you both an objective view of the situation. At the very least, I'd suggest you also seek some counseling if couples counseling won't work right now. Then you'd get some support for yourself, and someone to help you decide how to handle the depression - which affects you both.

All the best to you...

PaLady

TryingHard
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/3/2008 1:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks for all the input it was helpful.  I decided that regardless of the situation I wanted some explanations on what really happened.  She explained to me that it started and remained a friend thing only.  PAlady said it right they would just talk about anything and it would sometimes make her feel better.  ALthough she says she has been feeling down for a while but didn't want to tell me for several reasons, it has been her upbringing that the a wife should not bother the husband with all her concerns (I know it is old school from her mom) she was afraid I would think she was weak and wouldn't understand.  I told her I want her to be my equal in this marriage and that she can tell me anything.  Slowly we have been talking about things we have never discussed before.  Prior to hear telling me about this guy and based on some of our previous conversations she started to realize if was wrong and felt guilty she cut things with him approx 2 weeks ago but not telling me for a while made her feel guilty and thus worse.  This weekend her spirits were much better.  I guess for now all I can do is support her and keep my eyes open to see if I notice anything out of the ordinary.  This situation is by far the most difficult I have ever had to face.

Thanks for all the input. 

Darryl

 

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