All nighter -> scary episode

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hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/2/2008 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
My fiancee had to go to training out of town this morning, his flight was very early. We were up very late last night because of things that needed to be done before hand. I'm running on an hour of sleep within the past 30 hours. I can't fall asleep right now.
The main problem is that a severe lack of sleep like that tends to bring on a fairly strong temporary relapse. That's where I am now.
I'm tired, but can't sleep. Restless but don't want to do anything. Crying over nothing. Lack of interest even in my favorite author. Doing my darnedest to keep the hedges up, to keep the suicidal and harmful thoughts away, only partially successful. I just want to crawl into the bed and hide under the covers until it all gets better, but that's not how it works. My minds running in circles and nothing distracts me. Not only that, the nasty weak part of me keeps trying to say that it's only gonna get worse, b ecause it always does. It doesn't, but selective memory isn't wonderful in this case. I hurt. o gods, I hurt. I can't call my fiancee 'cause he's still in training, I'm scared to bring itup with my soon to be in laws with the 3 year old that runs around the house. said 3 year old is very much an empathic. I can't seem to just let the emotion out because the engineer in me keeps wanting to rationalize it away. I know if I'd've just gotten the sleep this wouldn't be happening, please don't berate me on that. Help. Please.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/2/2008 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Hedges,

Welcome to Healing Well. We do try not to scold or say "you shouldn't have". But I don't know the answer, other than to get some rest. Short term anyway. Can you meditate to relax? Try deep breathing, that always helps.

You didn't say if you were taking meds or seeing a counselor at this time.

I honestly don't know what else to say other than get some rest and you should feel better. I know it is hard, but that is what you have to try to do.

Try the meditation, or relaxation breathing.

Good luck, keep posting

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/2/2008 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm on meds (wellbutrin 100 mg 2ce day). They usually work except in extreme cases like this. For the most part, it helped immensely to get it out. Also, just finding a place where people know what I'm going through because they've been there or are there helps.

I do try to meditate, but when I'm worked up like I was, I just can't seem to get to the floaty place I usually get to, meditation usually just exacerbates the depression for some reason, probablybecause in order to meditate I have to take down my hedges.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/2/2008 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Let them down then and be you. Relax and try to get to that floaty place and show that darn depression that you can beat it. I know that it is hard to bring the walls down and completely let go. But we have to do that and be in the now in order to heal. I know that you want to feel better.

That is the short and long of it. You don't want to be irritated with the things going on around you so you need to learn to go with the flow of life and stop putting up barriers. I wish you peace.

hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/2/2008 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. A lot. Because of certain issues ( many of them ones that triggered one descent or another), it's difficult. But I guess if [ Gramma can beat cancer, Mom can beat her depression, I can get my engineering degree...] I can beat the maze and find my way out of this.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/2/2008 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep posting and we will try to help you.

I hope that you feel better soon and are able to get some rest. Do you like to listen to music? Sometimes that can be relaxing and help you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/2/2008 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
The anonymity on the boards actually gives me the courage to tell my whole story. I never have, not even to either therapist. I couldn't, because I was ashamed of certain things or afraid word might somehow get back to the people involved in a bad way.
I had always had really high grades and protected my two younger sisters (I was the eldest) from th fury of my father and my mother's pain.
Dad had always enjoyed alcohol, and cetain species would turn him into a mean drunk looking to vent. Rather than giving him reason to vent, I tried to be the perfect child: do all the chores I could, perfect grades, watch my sisters and help them as necessary, be quiet , calm, and stand down rather than make his ire worse.
My mother had depression and only within the past few years has it been diagnosed. Her way to take care of it was to run off for periods of time (usually 2-6 hours) and not tell anyone where she was going, so she could get away from everything. She had just become friends with her now best friend andbecause of her depression, my mom kept trying to renege on the friendship, saying that she deserve such a person as said friend. I was always the one who had to try and locate mom via phone. I caught her with the kitchen knife one time and ended up having to talk her out of suicide. Another time I had to help talk her off the bridge. My solution: make everything perfect and be perfect so mom can't get depressed.
In high school was when my mothers depression and my fathers alcoholism took a turn for the worse, I think those may have been linked.
I became my fathers favorite toy when he was drunk. Clean this, do this, you did this wrong *smack*... you get the idea. I distinctly remember dad coming home once and raging that the bedroom floor wasn't clean ( there was a solitary barbie in the floor and that was it) and he pulled out the belt. It was/ is a wide leather one with a Texas- size buckle. He was going to use the buckle end. Thankfully, Iwas able to herd my sisters over by the closet. He couldn't get in that area because the bunkbed post and dresser were too close together (He's a rather large man). He still did his darnedest to get at us. I was trying to protect my sisters with myself, because they were younger and would hurt more. I got a couple of bruises, but thankfully, that was all.
Between trying to be perfect, trying to find my way in religion, and not being able to talk to anyone, one day I snapped. I huddled in an area I'd cordoned off as mine and cried for hours on end. I then wrote The Letter to my mother, delineating everything wrong. My father intercepted it and gave it back to me, unopened, saying it'd be best not to give it to Mom as it's just make things worse. That was the cycle in high school: take it, be perfect, take it, be perfect... SNAP, crying, hysterics (away from my father, who was of the school "I'll give you something to cry about, and my mother, for fear of making her run away), repeat ad nauseum. There was one time I comtemplated doing something stupid, but I caught myself and called my (now) water brother. My happiest memories of that time involved academic competitions on Saturdays.
I then went to college. I was fine, even went into remission for a while. Then college got difficult and i started having problems in my first long term relationship. went to the quack shack and got diagnosed with depression for the first time. I took it as my mind waging war against me and refused medication, accepting only therapy. It evetually went dormant until my next boyfriend. This boy was the epitome of verbal and emotional abuse. Nothing was good enough, he had a temper to rival my father'f and a tendency to throw things when mad.The closest he ever came to kissing me in our 8 months together was gramma- like kisses on the cheek. I went to meet his parents and was given a list of clothing not to wear or bring with me. He took me to try and learn to drive in his vehicle and got pissed when I couldn't make a 3 point turn on a country road, even after I'd told him I'd never done a 3 point before. He berated me the entire time back. He berated me if when I was choppingveggies, some fell off the ridiculously small cutting board. Another water brother of mine kept trying to help me see the light. I didn't until he dumped me via text message, email, and facebook. I was devastated. That led to a major relapse. No desire to do anything stupid, but people had to fight to get me to do anything. It took the threat of the hospital to get me willing to help myself. Depression was still my mind waging war on me.
I went back to school that next semester and met my now fiancee. During a single weeks span I found out a) my gramma's cancer had come back and was more aggressive, B)my sister was engaged to a fleabag twice her age, and C) I wouldn't be able to take an absolutely crucial summer class, which would've pushed back my graduation date. I tried and tried to get it out of my system every way I knew how, but every time I dealt with one, two more were piled on. Finally, there was a day up at work ( I worked IT) when I had a stupid professor who thought he knew my job and royally screwed up what should've been a 5 minute process, turning it into essentiallya required boot and nuke. I flipped. I tried calling my fiancee, my friends, everyone I could. I got no one. I called the school quackshack, head shrinker division, and went in to vent. I came kissing cousin to having a breakdown. They said that, given my answers to the questionairre, I could voluntarily set up free shrink appointments with them and consider getting medicated, or they could have me referred to the local hospital psych ward. I got a decent therapist, and he finally got me to come around to chemical imbalance rather than personal weakness. I tried Citalopram. BIG mistake. It made it infinitely worse. i cried at the drop of a hat and could do nothing without being forced or forcing myself. I went off the drug and the shack reccomended Prozac. my mom's reaction to Prozac is what mine was to citalopram. I said hell no and went ahead and graduated. I came here with my fiancee and got a job with a bureaucratic organization I din't want to work for and a patronizing, my way or the highway boss. i relapsed and had to wait for my company insurance to kick in before I could see a doc. I saw one, got on welbutrin and life is livable again. Unless I'm under extreme stress or someone's a real biscuit eating son of man to me, I can handle it.

Thank you for letting me share my story. That was rather cathartic, actually.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/2/2008 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I am happy that you shared your story Hedges, you have been through a lot. I hope that being able to vent here helps you. That is what is intended. I am glad that the wellbutrin is helping you.

You seem to have your feelings justified. You are good at getting things down and understanding what it is that you are dealing with. I am sorry for the way that your father treated you and your siblings. It sounds like you were the protecter of all. That is a heavy weight. I am happy that you can realize that this is in the past, now you need to deal with present feelings. I think that you are on your way to helping yourself deal with all of the emotions that you are feeling. It takes time, and you are definately devoting a lot. I hope it doesn't consurme you. Just keep venting. It really helps.

Have you found a counselor yet? You sounded like you were looking. I really think that eventually you should vent to a counselor like you vented here, you have nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about. Sorting your feelings out is good therapy for all of us. Either way, keep posting and keep your chin up, you will get some rest and eventually feel better. I think that you just needed to do what you did and let out some of your feelings.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I wish you well.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/3/2008 3:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome Hedges and I TOTALLY agree with Karen she is very emapthetic and caring of others
Heplful and supportive
Has even helped me at times ........

Take care and as Karen did say stay with us find a cousellor and let it out
YOU are never judged on any forum in HW by anyone

Thanks for sharing that heartwrenching story

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/3/2008 3:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hedges

I too wanted to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you found us.

You have been given excellent advice,and I hope that you keep us updated.
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/3/2008 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Hedges

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum.  I am so glad you found us.  You are right, there is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of HealingWell and still being able to be anonymous.

I am so sorry for all you have been through and I agree with the others, Karen is very wise and her words of wisdonm are right on.
You obviously recognize your stressors and know when your spinning out of control.  Taking action to stop the downward spiral tells me you are a strong person that has depression.  Let us help you.  We cannot take the place of a good therapist but we will listen with an open mind and we do not judge.

I have had depression for 26 years and I have had a big meltdown but I refused to let depression rule my life so I know I will have down times but I can find that light at the end of the tunnel.  I think you can to and reach out, take our hand.............we are here to help.
Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/3/2008 11:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been to a therapist, he's the main reason I can actually feel when I tell my story. I used to force myself to become numb to tell it, so I didn'y feel the pain. I had to leave him when I graduated in december, unfortunately, but my journal, my fiancee, and my mother (we've come to the point where we can help each other out of spirals) make great sounding boards. I'm still hunting for one here that my insurance covers. Between insurance and trying to find a nonreligious one, it's been an interesting search. Thank you, all of you. I hope for no more relapses like that, but I know better. If I do when I'm alone again, I know where to turn.
By the by, Congratulations to Kitt. I can see why you became a mod.
Karen, your voice, although read after I got that much needed sleep, finally broke a chunk of armour that until now those close to me could only remove on rare occasions. I guess I needed to hear it from, for lack of a better phrase, someone who didn't have a vested interest in telling me those things.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/4/2008 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   

Hedges,

Thank you for the compliment. I am glad you are able to talk with your Mom and b/f.  It is so important to have a support system.

Your so right, Karen is awesome and I know she has helped so many others, I am glad what she said to you broke through.  You will never be judged here so please always feel comfortable posting.

We are on your side.

Gentle Hugs and keep on moving forward.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 6/4/2008 7:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Hedges,

I am happy that I could help you in some way. You are part of our family now and remember that. We all care about eachother. And everybodies issues are important to all of us. Keep posting, we can try to help you especially now while you are hunting for a therapist. Sometimes even in the religious ones, you can find an open minded person who will not bring religion into the therapy. Maybe that will help until you can find a program that is better suited for yourself. I wish you luck with this.

Many hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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