The Quality of Frienships (or lack thereof)

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bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 6/4/2008 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
So, I think a part of my depression problem in the past has been relationships with other people. High school was the worst time of my life and I think I want to just break away from my high school "friends." I just feel like they haven't been good friends. I mean, I have a chronic illness that's a huge part of my life and I can't bring myself to tell them about it. When I was hospitalized last year, all I got was 2 text messages saying "feel better" from my supposed best friends. The rest didn't even bother to send me a measly message. While in our first year of college, I was the one to leave messages on facebook or to call; otherwise, I'd almost never hear from them. 
 
Am I asking for too much if I want someone just to take some time and listen to me? I thought that was one of the purposes of friendships. Are my requirements too high or something?  confused

Post Edited (ComedyDork) : 12/4/2008 5:57:59 PM (GMT-7)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/5/2008 3:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there

You know,when my family found out I had depression they were all pretty freaked out. My friends became long distance friends,getting a phone call here and there ect ect.

I really think that people do not know how to deal with someone who has depression if they have not experienced it themselves.
That is not their fault really, I guess we have to understand that..although I know that it is hard.

You need to try to seek some type of therapy outside of your friends. Is there a family member that you trust? What about your school counselor?
Shy


Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

Please remember,I am not a professional..I am just a person who is also fighting depression.


I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.


bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 6/5/2008 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been doing a lot better with my depression since about last summer and I supposedly did a good job hiding it even when I was in high school (one of my friends thought I enjoyed high school, which I definitely did not!). So it's not like I'm in a huge rut right now (I can occasionally do have a break downs, but that's due more to my chronic illness)--it was just one day I was feeling down and I needed someone to talk to, and my friend basically ignored me and it kinda was the final straw. It's not like I seek therapy from a friend--I know that would be a complete waste of time. I just feel like I'm held back by my high school "friends" and experiences, and I just want a clean break. And I guess I'm just trying to justify it.
 
I don't really have an option of therapy. My only family members are my parents and my brother, none of whom believe depression is a real disease, and again, blame me for my problems w/o listening it seems. Right now we're really tight on money so seeing a psychologist out of question. If my dad is constantly complaining about we don't have money b/c we've used so much on my medical bills and meds and that is stuff I NEED, he's definitely not going to scrape up money for me to go see a psychologist, especially since he thinks that's a waste of time. I am a college student so if I want to see a counselor, I'll still need to pay for it (and wait until September). If I had a psychologist, I probably wouldn't be posting on this site!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/5/2008 8:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello,

Shy is right on, people do not understand depression and when I told my friends I had to take early retirement due to depression...........they laughed.  I had hidden it for 24 years from them.  I should get an oscar for my performance.

I just got overwhelmed with hiding it and had a serious meltdown.  My friends moved on and as Shy siad they don't understand and the word depression scares them.  I advocate to educate the public on depression and try to help people to understand we are just human beings like them but instead of a heart condition or Lupus, we have depression.

You do deserve to have friends who understand you and will listen to you. Don't give up and do get to the counselor as soon as it is available to you.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


hedges_against_the_night
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/5/2008 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Comedy,
It's quite possible that depending on your college, there is adepartmnet within the on campus clinic for people in just your position. You may want to check on that.
"'do you have any hobbies?'
'I used to draw, but that was a while ago. Why?'
'You need hedges.'
'Hedges?'
'Yes, hedges against the night" - paraphrased from Duma Key, Stephen King
Pitchfork Pact (n)- an agreement between me and my closest friends for either to call at any time if something is badly wrong.
Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?- E. A. Poe
It maybe an insane and meandering road back, but it's my road.

-Depression, allergies, minimal depth perception


Confusedli
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 363
   Posted 6/6/2008 1:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey there, I have been depressed on & off for maybe 9 years now, since I was about 16, and probably a little bit since I was a child, for years and years I kept it to myself, I have never told my family or my friends how I feel - in a way this stopped it from being real! I've been friends with the same group of girls since high school, so 15 years now! and I'd always kept it hidden from them, about a year ago I met a fabulous guy and I really opened up to him and since then I've been able to at last talk to my best friend, not in dept, but just a little explanation for some of my behaviour and moods, we haven't been as close as we used to, however since I spoke to her, she's called me almost everyday, texted and generally made herself available for me! She's special! However at the same time, she;s had problems of her own throughout her life and is there fore maybe more equipped to listen to and help others, so don't give your friends to much of a hard time, people are not always necessarily sympathetic to depression!  People don't always know what to say!

sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/6/2008 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Confusedi is right, people dont always know what to say, recently a very close friend of my suddenly doesnt want to be my friend anymore, and i am not quite sure why, she hasnt told me, she just wont take my calls, or call me back. She has problems of her own, but we would always listen to each others
problems toghether, as some of them were very similiar.
Having friends is a two way thing, i thought I was listening to her as well, maybe I wasnt. i may never know.
I do have one other close friend now, and we support each other, as I thought I was doing with theother friend.  i am having a very difficult time overcoming that loss of freindship, I guess it will just take time, time does have a way of healling. Not forgetting, but at least some healling, hasnt been long enough for me to heal yet. still waiting on time to kick in.  Its hard when you lose a close friend, especially when you dont know why.
I do listen to my other friend, and she me. So I think its reasonable for freinds to listen to each other, not onesided, freindship should be reciprocated. In my opionion, so I dont think your asking too much from friends, even if they dont what to say, the support should be there....
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 6/19/2008 5:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey ComedyDork,

I was going back a few pages and found this and I swear, you could be my twin. UC and everything!! Haha.

High school was probably THE worst time of my entire life. I was depressed and at times almost suicidal and spent most of the time drinking or doing drugs. I don't know if it was to fit in or to just forget about everything. I think my UC played a large part in it because I was diagnosed in 9th grade and it was pretty traumatic thinking I was the only one with this disease, constantly running to the bathroom in school (which is really difficult to do because teachers always made a big deal about it and were like "too bad, you should've gone on break" I wanted to scream "I DID go on break, twice, and now I have to go again!").

All I'd ever really wanted is that cliche girl friendship that you see in movies, you know, where you have a best friend or even a few best friends that you do everything with, go shopping, to the movies, talk about boys, whatever. It seemed like all of my 'friends' had this bond with someone, but never me. I was always the last resort friend, the one who took their picture but never was in it, the one who they called when their other friends weren't around. So, I definitely stopped hanging out with all of them, and I do talk to one or two occaisionally on myspace but for the most part, I think getting away from them all was a good thing. And after a few years, most of them aren't even friends with their old friends and they've grown up some and it's easier to talk to them now. I still don't have a best friend, other than my boyfriend I guess, but at least I don't have fake friends who make me feel crappy anymore.

And man do I know what you mean about people saying it's all your fault. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "Well maybe if you TRIED to hang out with them, or if you tried to be more outgoing people would want to be your friend" Well ***, why is it that I have to be someone I'm not and make this huge effort when it seems like everyone else just makes instant best friends wherever they go?

It's not our fault that we're introverted or socially anxious or just too cool to relate to the majority of people our age ;)

I did eventually stop hanging out with all my high school "friends" and there are a few I talk to from time to time on myspace but we never hang out.. It's weird, when I meet new people, I get all these thoughts like "What will we do if we hang out? What if they think I'm boring? What could we have in common?" and I think I maybe do sabotage things a little bit in my mind but I do know one thing for sure- most people never talk to their high school friends afterwards, and for the most part I think we're better off without them. Once you're able to work and get back into "life" I'm sure you (and I) will meet some great girls who we can finally vent to without them ignoring us and just waiting for their turn to talk! Heck, we've found it on here anyway, at least that's something. I know it's not the same when you can't get together and hang out in your PJ's and eat giant bowls of ice cream and talk about everything and anything (hey, that's the ideal situation I always imagine, hahaha) but at least it's something :)


Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in hip & lumbar region of the spine from long term prednisone use.

Current Meds:
10mg Lexapro (for depression/social anxiety)
Digestive Advantage: Crohn's and Colitis formula (2 pills per day, started 5/14/08)
125mg Azathioprine
4800mg Asacol (Four 400mg tablets, three times a day)
 
 
 


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/19/2008 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Im almost 40, and i still have the same problems with friends, i thought i had a close friend ater 5 yrs of sharing everyhting with each other, now she has boyfreid, and he own personal problems, which she already had before i met her, she has chrons, I have IBS and IC(interstial Cytitis)= may bladder hurt(sores on the bladder) I have to go to the bathroom every 5 mintues.
Intamacy is a hard thing to deal with too withmy husband, becasue i hurt, and go so often.
My friend emailed me asking me asking to forgive her for being such a ******* friend. But she still dont wan to have anything to do with me, she probably wont even come to my daughters b-day party, which has me and my dauighter real sad, she has a child with autism too, and my daughter misses her. We always went to each others kids parties. I guess time is not healling fast enough....
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/19/2008 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Wonderful Friends,

I am way past 40 and I still have problems with friends but I am now at a stage that I need only good friends and not toxic friends so I may shed a tear over losing a friend who is causing me more harm then good and wonder how it all came down to the end but then I have to move on.

If you have access to counseling, that would be wonderful.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/19/2008 7:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah it would nice to have access to counseling, as someone said, if I access to it I probably wouldnt be one here discussing it. we make too much to be condsidered for lower price or free couseling. Yet we dont have enough money for it.
So i kinda stck, of having to deal with it my self, and hope all works out for the best..
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/19/2008 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Funny thing, my friends had the same reaction when I said I was depressed (Aww, too bad, but you know what I've been through?) and I loved them for that. I guess I am the opposite of you, I just didn't want them to behave different after I told them.

That said, a lot of good things are already mentioned, so I won't be repeating that. I just want to say that people are the way they are, and don't try to have expectations of how they should behave, because that will only hurt you in the end. Just react to whatever comes your way, and if there not the type of person you like, don't feel bad, but try to meet new people. In the end, you will never feel bad because you accept who and how they are. They (your friends) will most likely reflect that positivity back to you.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 6/20/2008 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I always tell myself I'm glad I don't have a million friends because that's less people to stress over buying presents for at Christmas time! Hehe
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in hip & lumbar region of the spine from long term prednisone use.

Current Meds:
10mg Lexapro (for depression/social anxiety)
Digestive Advantage: Crohn's and Colitis formula (2 pills per day, started 5/14/08)
125mg Azathioprine
4800mg Asacol (Four 400mg tablets, three times a day)
 
 
 


bookworm21
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 1766
   Posted 6/20/2008 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello, ediekristen! It looks like we're crossing among boards! I wrote a thread about my troubles w/ UC on this board earlier, too.
 
Sleeping was my drug in high school. It's all I would do if I wasn't sludging my way through homework or stressing about college admissions. 
 
I never told my "friends" that I was depressed--it didn't even hit full-swing until senior year. And everyone thought I was happy but a little stressed. So it wasn't that they were turned off by my depressed moods. One of my "friends" was really depressed (and showed it) and they put up with it. So, I just don't know what I did wrong.
 
Ugh, I hate it when people tell me to be different, especially my parents. I  And I like being shy--it's just who I am and I don't want to be outgoing b/c I'm not! And I am outgoing once people get to know me. Why can't we just have some sort of introvert convention? cool
 
I've just cut off from my high school friends.
Although my parents and I don't see eye-to-eye, at least I know that they'll be there at the end of the day (which I can't say for anyone else I know).

Post Edited (ComedyDork) : 12/4/2008 6:00:07 PM (GMT-7)


ediekristen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 1366
   Posted 6/20/2008 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Ack, I know!! I am just NOT an outgoing person with strangers or new people and it's not something you can just turn a switch on for, in my opinion. I mean, even if I try to act outgoing around people I don't know, it comes out forced and I probably just look weird which just turns them away anyway. But with people I'm friends with, I'm a completely different person. It's funny because people used to say "You know, before I got to know you I actually thought you were really stuck up" which REALLY shocked me because that couldn't be farther from the truth. But when you're shy and quiet people just automatically assume you've got a stick up your butt, I guess :( It's like a lose lose situation- act outgoing and they think you're fake, be shy like you are and they think you're a snob.
Female, 22, Ulcerative colitis (pancolitis) since 1999; GERD; gastritis; osteopenia in hip & lumbar region of the spine from long term prednisone use.

Current Meds:
10mg Lexapro (for depression/social anxiety)
Digestive Advantage: Crohn's and Colitis formula (2 pills per day, started 5/14/08)
125mg Azathioprine
4800mg Asacol (Four 400mg tablets, three times a day)
 
 
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40578
   Posted 6/20/2008 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Well you sure don't seem stuck up or shy here. That is what I love about this place. We can be ourselves and don't have to worry about what others think. It is hard being around other people for me too. Especially if I don't know them. But for some reason, it is getting easier. I think that I am getting to the age that I don't really care what other people think. I am just realizing this at this very moment. I think with age and the fibromyalgia, you get to that point of " who gives a darn". I am me and if people can't accept that so be it. I am happy at that moment and that is all that matters. As long as it isn't at anybodies expense.

Everybody is different and that is what makes the world go around.

Hugs to all
Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/20/2008 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
I was that way in school too, but as I have gotten older it haas gotten easier. i still feel uncomfortsble around crowds of people i dont know, and sometime to have to fake being outgoing. But you get use to it...
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


dylan1dylan1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 6/20/2008 1:55 PM (GMT -7)   
hi,my son is feeling very isolated and low because he has no contact with his old friends they have all moved on.He cannot get out much because he has had ME for the lst 5yrs and his depression has got worse. Any ideas for e buddies or suchlike, or any groups sad

enWayen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 585
   Posted 6/21/2008 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dylan,

There are lots of nice online communities out there, such as this one. Also, if you live in a decent sized town, I believe there will be groups of people that he can join as well.

I don't know how old your son is, but as an 18-year-old I would love to have a chat with him. If he also feels like that, my email can be found in my profile.

All the best!
Erik
Acceptance is the key

Existential depression and Insecurity

Try to keep smiling! :)


dejavu
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/21/2008 3:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Comedy dork ,

Just a little addition to say th
the sun is always there, yet we cannot always see it ...


dejavu
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 6/21/2008 3:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Comedy dork , sorry I messed up the first attempt to post !

Just a little addition to say that there are times in our lives when our peer groups change , this is maybe what you are experiencing at the moment , the paths you shared with your friends before are no longer crossing , I hope that as you enter into adult life you will meet new people with whom you have empathy
and affinity .

best wishes dejavu
the sun is always there, yet we cannot always see it ...


sheryl=jk
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 4083
   Posted 6/21/2008 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I thik dejavu put that very nicely.As you get older the quality of friends change, as for me i have had only a few freinds that i can call good friends. You'll know it when find one thats really a true friend....
 
God Bless,and have a Great Day!!.......Love.....Sheryl
xcema,hypermobile,Chronic Bronchitus,Fatigue,Positive ANAFibro-05--Had surgery on left & right knees 06, Interstial Cystitis-06  implanted Interstim-06 hysterectomy & IBS-06 Arthiritus-04 Depression-04GERDS/ Hiatial hernia -07   Anxiety-07 Gastroparesis-08--Occasional Migraines Reglan,Protonix,Prozac,Wellbutrin,Erthomyicin,klonipin,occasional phernergan Im marrried 2 children, one with mild autism, Bipolar(8), she takes Abilify, Buspar, Celexa Son(13) is bipolarw/migraines, Topamax, ZantacGod plz grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." Plz help HW to help others by donating: http://www.healingwell.com/donate/


dylan1dylan1
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 6/21/2008 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
hi erik thanks for your offer, i will pass your details to my son, he is 20 so similar age to yourself.
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